I was going back to my parents' place for Christmas. Our office was closing for three days, so I could completely relax and kick back. On the 24th, I drove Emily to catch a floatplane back to Victoria where she was spending a week with her family.

I pulled her bag from the trunk and set it on the pavement. When I turned around, Emily handed me a silver wrapped package. "Here, Phil. Don't open this until Christmas."

"Got a little something for you too." I pulled out a slim box that the jeweller had wrapped for me. It was a sterling silver chain with charms on it, one of them was a tiny gavel so I thought Emily would like that.

"How sweet of you. Thanks, Phil." She went up on tiptoe and kissed me. She kept her arms around my neck. "I'm going to miss you-especially on New Year's Eve. What are you doing that night?"

"Going out with Ben and a few friends. I think they're renting a private karaoke room." I rolled my eyes, but I figured I'd enjoy it. I was a decent singer, but karaoke was mainly about drinking.

She laughed. "Saved. I can't carry a tune in a bucket."

Emily gave me a more passionate kiss this time and then kissed my ear. "Merry Christmas, babe," she whispered. "I love you."

She walked away without giving me a chance to answer. Her wheeled bag made a loud gravel noise that slowly faded away.

The L-word. That usually meant decision time in a relationship. A week ago, I felt pretty good about everything with Emily. But right now, I was confused.

At home, Christmas Eve was a little different. My parents usually hosted an open house, but my mother had decreed that she wasn't up to doing one this year. Instead we followed the German traditions of a big dinner, then going to church, and later opening all our gifts. Lying back in my old bed, I looked up at the ceiling and tried to figure out if it was rich food or worrying that was keeping me awake. I ended up going downstairs to watch TV or game a little.

Ray was already there, playing GTA IV.

"Want to play, little bro?" He threw me a controller and switched games. He switched to NHL '08, unfortunately. I didn't mind playing it, but I was always conscious of the fact that one of the options was to play as James Frechette. This felt like he was intruding into my life more then he had already.

"You still play hockey?" Ray wondered.

"Yeah, I'm on a team with Hoff. It's pretty casual."

"Is Kelly on the team too?" Ray was clueless about my life since he lived in Kelowna now. He and Helena had driven down for the holidays. Even though they lived together, my mom had put her in the guest room.

"She moved away. I don't see her anymore."

"Oh." He didn't say anything else, but his curiosity hung almost visibly in the room. Finally, he tried again. "You guys were getting along great when we saw you at the anniversary shindig."

"That was months ago. Shit happens."

He smirked. "She broke up with you. That's a first."

"No, I broke up with her."

"Why are you so bugged about it then?"

"I'm not. I have a new girlfriend now, and everything's fine."

"I hate to be the one to break it to you, little bro, but you are not fine."

"What are you talking about?"

Ray paused the game. "You're irritable and quiet. Everyone in the family can tell something is bothering you. Mom even asked me about it."

"She never asked me." Our mother was nothing if not nosey.

"She said she did a couple of months ago, and you responded by not coming over any more."

I didn't even remember that. "I'm really busy at work. That probably makes me more stressed."

There was a long silence, and I thought about going back to bed. I still wasn't tired, but this conversation was hardly relaxing.

"I'm here if you need to talk about anything. You know I won't tell Mom and Dad." That was true. There were more than a few secrets we'd kept so we wouldn't get in trouble.

There was nobody in my life I could talk to about Kelly. Hoff wouldn't understand, and Ben would tell April right away. It still bothered me that we had split. I had tried not to think about her, and I thought I'd successfully moved on. Apparently my mother would not have agreed.

When I saw Kelly, my perspective had shifted. I thought from the beginning that she would get hurt, yet I could not believe all the changes in her. I was one of the few people who would be able to see through that glossy exterior. Once, I had seen a nature show about animal trapping, and she reminded me of this captured fox with bewildered, desperate eyes.

"It's Kelly," I confessed to Ray. "I saw her last week, and she looked so-" Well, I didn't know how to describe how she looked. Any guy who saw her would think she looked hot. But she didn't look like herself. I realized I'd have to tell Ray everything to explain my worries.

I briefly told him about the dating game and how it had played out. "So, I broke up with her. It's not that I felt she would have chosen me if I hadn't-but whatever. Anyway, now that I've seen her, I'm really worried. I feel like I sentenced her to this fake life, and it's eating away at her. It's stupid, I know. She made all the choices, and it's not like she's in prison. She could leave."

Ray didn't say anything for a while, and then what he said made no sense. "You're way more talented than I am at everything."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're a better swimmer, a better hockey player, a better musician."

"C'mon. You were an Olympic alternate, and I wasn't even the top guy at swim club."

"Because you didn't try to be. I envied you. You seemed to have everything figured out. You did what you wanted, but you never wanted too much. You could have played rep hockey, but you decided to do soccer instead, plus swimming. You drove Mom crazy, because you never focused on being really good at anything. But you did everything well, and never seemed to give a shit."

He paused, and his smile was more of a leer. "And when it came to girls, you had to fight them off. You never seemed to care too much about any girl, and that made them all want you more. There was only one time you had to work to get a girl."

"Kelly."

"Yup. I couldn't see it myself. She was a little butch for me. But you were really happy with her."

I sighed. "Yeah. Those times were the best. I never thought in a million years she'd pick him."

"You chickened out too. You should have gone balls out to win her when you had the chance."

"I did." I had done as much as I could. Unlike the asshole, I had to work, so I couldn't be courting her 24/7.

"Bullshit," Ray declared. "That's your problem."

I thought about that. Maybe it was true. If I hadn't tried my hardest, there always remained this possibility that in an alternative universe we would have been together.

"I guess I'm afraid of failing."

"We all are, little bro. But you can take it from me-failing is not the worst thing. Not trying and not knowing if you could have done it is way worse."

Exactly. And that was why I was so bothered by seeing Kelly at Ben's party, because I felt like I could have saved her from the trap. If I had tried my hardest, she would be with me where she belonged. And she'd be happy.

But who was I to judge? Maybe she was happy. I'd barely spoken to her and my impressions were only based on a few minutes together. Fuck, was I rationalizing again?

"I know it's ridiculous since we've both moved on, but I feel like I want to do something. Is it too late for Kelly and me?"

Ray shook his head. "I don't know. Why don't you see her? You guys could at least talk."

"She's gone already. She's spending Christmas with him."

"Oh. Well, I don't know then. You're the one who knows her best."

I thought long and hard about it. I guess what I really regretted was that we had broken up in a way that precluded us talking again. And I didn't feel like I could call her up and talk, even if I could get the number from April.

Finally, I decided that I should send her a little peace offering. If we opened up our channels of communication, at least I'd have the reassurance of knowing that she could call me if she wanted. Since I was at home with all my music stuff, I recorded a mix tape with five songs on it. I burned a CD and wrapped it in Christmas paper with a note. And then I had to figure out a way to deliver it. When I saw April and Ben at New Year's Eve, I cornered her for a private moment away from the karaoke screen.

"I have a Christmas present for Kelly. Could I get her address so I can mail it to her?"

April gave me a withering look. "I'm pretty sure it's illegal to mail explosives to the United States."

"C'mon. It's not a bomb."

"Well, anthrax is not allowed either."

"It's a mix tape. Now can I have her address?"

She still wasn't buying this. "When you saw her at Ben's party, I'm pretty sure you guys only spoke for five seconds. And hello, does the name Emily ring a bell? What is really going on here?"

"Weren't you worried about Kelly when you saw her? She looks so artificial-and unhappy."

Finally I seemed to have gotten through to April. She nodded. "That's what I thought too. But Karen thought she looked great. And Kelly said she was fine, even when I probed her on the subject. She's changed for sure, but is she unhappy?"

"Her parents have left the country, so now we're the ones who know her best. I'm worried that she's too isolated out there. So, all I want to do is let her know that she can still count on me-if she wants to talk, or anything."

April snorted. "Like swoop in and rescue her from her million-dollar condo?"

"I can only do that if you give me the address."

She thought this over. "Are you still going out with Emily? Who I like, by the way."

I nodded. "I'm not trying to get back with Kelly. I feel guilty about the way things ended and now I-" I realized I was lying to myself. If I really wanted to change, I'd have to open myself up to the truth, regardless of how vulnerable it made me look. "No, that's bullshit. I would take her back in a millisecond if she showed up. I am so fucked."

I cared a lot about Emily, and maybe if Kelly had shown up glowing with happiness, none of this would have happened. But she hadn't, and that set up a series of emotional dominos.

April gave me a look that was either sympathy or pity. "Bring me the present, I'll mail it to Kelly. She forgot a scarf at my place anyway, and I'll send her a Christmas gift too. I don't know if she would want you to have her address or not, but I agree-she needs friends who have nothing to do with James."

36.

Special Delivery

When I left for school, Jimmy was still fast asleep. I never woke him up, but I liked to look at him in bed. He had so much tension and worry these days, but when he slept, his face was relaxed. He reminded me of the guy I had first met at hockey camp-sweet and innocent.

However, innocent was the last word I'd use to describe him these days. Every time he got back from a road trip, he had some new ideas for us to try out. At first it was fun, but now I longed for the good old days when we had vanilla sex.

School was a nice distraction. We were putting together demo reels and beginning to talk about work placements after graduation in March. I was one of the top students-a first for me-so my prospects were very good. All I needed was a work visa, but the administration assured me that other foreign students had gotten them.

When I got home, Micha the concierge handed me a package.

"This came for you, Kelly," he said.

"For me?" Jimmy got care packages from his mom all the time, but I never got anything. My parents were busy on their trip, and all I got was postcards.

The parcel was from April, and seeing her handwriting gave me a lift.

I got into the elevator with an elderly lady I'd seen before. I knew her because she and her little dog looked alike-right down to their curly white hair and matching coats. The neighbours always seemed to know who I was. Not by name of course, but as the girlfriend of the captain of the Blackhawks. We were by far the youngest couple in the building since it was an expensive one.

Today, the elderly lady and her dog both wore plaid coats.

I bent down and patted him. He trembled but then licked my hand. "You're a cutie. Do you live here?" I wondered.

The woman nodded regally. "We bought before it was built. We were the second tenants to move in."

"Wow, that's great. I guess that's why you got to keep your dog."

She tilted her head at me. "I would never move into any building that wouldn't take Cho-Cho. We are inseparable."

"Oh, sorry. I thought there were no pets allowed here."

"No, of course not. There are size restrictions. But one small to medium-sized pet per suite is allowable."