"Toni!"

"Krista, now!"

Sitting in her noiseless flat with lights extinguished and windows closed, Toni aimlessly tapped the end of her cigarette into an ashtray, the sides of which already overflowed with ash. She didn't notice. She didn't care. She was single-minded. There were no more excuses to be made, no more hesitation as she faced the inevitable. She no longer belonged among the living, having died so many years before. She knew that now.

A brief flashback of dinner crept into her mind, and she pushed it away, not allowing it to enter into the equation of the night. The answer was cold between her legs, the bottle of death propped there an hour before, and as she took the last swig of her warm beer, she dropped the amber bottle to the floor and unscrewed the cap of the clear. Bringing it to her lips, she hesitated as her doubt surfaced again. The continuous mental masturbation that had brought her to this point again and again, but simply existing was meaningless now. No amount of students or books could take away her loneliness, but the vodka could take away her pain...couldn't it?

She placed it on the table, returning to the kitchen to get two more bottles of beer. There was no need for limits now. No need to save for tomorrow when tomorrow wouldn't be. She wondered if the hoppy liquid would give her the strength to take the next step, and as she sat back down, she dropped another empty bottle to the floor. The sound of a woman's laughter echoed in her head, a deep throaty chuckle filled with possibilities, and she grinned. She couldn't help it. It was only a small shard of time spent amongst the living, satisfying a thirst she didn't know she had, but the bar of life was set too high. Toni brought the clear bottle to her lips again, minutes ticking by as she sat frozen in her thoughts, and then a different terror entered her mind...and she began to cry.

Toni tugged jeans over her wet legs, donned a T-shirt and stormed out of the bedroom. Coming to a stop when she saw Kris in the kitchen, she screamed, "Who the fuck do you think you are barging in on me like that? Jesus Christ, Krista! I almost had a fucking heart attack!" Momentarily blinded by her anger, when Toni realized what Kris was doing, she shouted, "And why the fuck are you washing the bloody floor?"

The intensity of the morning caught up with Kris. Sitting back on her haunches, she began to weep uncontrollably, her shoulders rising and falling as her emotions overflowed.

"What the fuck?" Toni mumbled, kneeling by the woman. "Krista, what the hell is going on? First, you scare the crap out of me, then you decide to give my floor a wash, and now...now you're crying!"

Managing to get herself somewhat under control, Krista glared back and then slapped Toni's arm once, and then twice, and then again. "You scared the shit out of me!"

"Me? What the fuck did I do?" Toni said, rubbing her bicep.

Kris raised herself to her knees and pointed at the counter. "That."

When Toni saw the empty bottle, her entire body slumped. "Oh, Christ."

"I...I thought you...I thought you did it," Kris said, trying to hold back the tears. "I thought you were..." Overwhelmed by emotion, Kris started to cry again, and for the first time in forever, Toni reached out to her.

Pulling Kris into her arms, Toni held on tight. "Sshhh," she whispered. "Sshhh, Krista. I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be here, but you don't have to worry. I poured it out. It's gone."

"You...you did?"

Toni leaned back and looked into eyes she'd forgotten were so blue. "I know I should be in a room with rubber walls, and my life is shit, but ending it isn't the answer." Waiting while Kris sniffled back a few more tears, Toni noticed that several of the floor tiles were now much brighter than the rest. "Hey, you made a clean spot."

Looking at the floor, Krista frowned. "I brought us some coffee, but I dropped it when I saw the bottle."

"Well, why don't I make us some, and you can go get cleaned up?"

"I'm fine," Kris said, wiping away her tears. With her mascara and eyeliner already drooping, Kris not only dried her tears, she also decorated her face with two large sweeps of black, one on each cheek.

"How am I supposed to have a serious conversation when you look like a bloody terrorist? Go get washed up," Toni said, getting to her feet and helping Krista to hers.

"A serious conversation?"

"Yeah. I think it's time. Don't you?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why Toni?" Abby asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it seems to me that there are probably lots of women at Calloway who could use this kind of attention. What makes Toni so special?"

An excellent question, and one for which Laura didn't have an answer. How could she explain something she didn't understand herself? All she knew was that from the first minute she met Toni, she felt drawn to the brooding teacher with the sad brown eyes. Rubbing the back of her neck, Laura said, "I honestly don't know. Maybe because she wasn't what I expected."

"In what way?"

"I pictured her as someone older, someone plain and rough, but she's not like that. She's our age and definitely not unattractive," Laura said. "Christ, that makes me sound so shallow."

"You wouldn't work where you do if you were shallow," Abby said, getting up to refill her cup. "It's human nature to gravitate toward things we find appealing, thus the need for chocolate."

Smiling, Laura took a sip of her coffee. "I think part of it is because I know her history. No one in Calloway has her education or her background, and to see someone who had so much going for them end up like Toni...well, it's sad," Laura said with a sigh. "I guess I thought she could use a friend."

"Well, speaking from experience, she couldn't ask for a better one, but you really need to be careful with her, Laura. You and Kris need to understand you can't play doctor. If Toni wants you to be in her life, to be a friend, you're going to have to follow her lead and let her take the first step. You can't push her. You can't even nudge, because if you do, she might just break."

"So I guess calling her is out of the question?" Laura said, slumping back in her chair.

"Yes, it most certainly is."

"Feeling better?" Toni asked as Krista returned to the lounge.

"Yeah," Kris said. Sitting on the sofa, she took the cup of coffee Toni was offering her. "Thanks."

"Thank you."

"Thank me?" Kris said, eyeing Toni curiously. "What for? Shocking you in the shower or cleaning your kitchen floor with gourmet coffee?"

"How about for taking care of me for the past few years, even when I didn't want you to; even when I told you to sod off."

"You didn't mean it," Kris said. Seeing Toni's eyes crease at the corners, Kris said, "Okay, so maybe you did mean it, but since when did I ever listen to you?"

Running her finger over a faint scar on her wrist, Toni asked, "Why'd you let me keep the bottle?"

"You don't know how many times I asked myself the same question," Krista said, leaning back into the cushions. "I guess I was banking on the fact that I knew you better than you knew yourself, and I never knew you to give up on anything or take the easy way out."

"It's hardly easy," Toni whispered, staring at the floor. "I tried a half-dozen times last night to drink that shit, but I just couldn't do it. Every time I got close, I'd think about you, and I knew you'd be the one to find me. I couldn't do that, not after all we've been through. I wouldn't have just destroyed me. I would have destroyed you, too, and I love you too much for that to ever happen."

A moment of silence passed between them, and then Kris reached over and took Toni's hand. "Talk to me, Toni. What are you thinking?"

"I'm scared, Kris," Toni said in a breath. "I don't want to die, but I don't know...I don't know how to live anymore. I don't even know where to start."

"I think you just did."

"Huh?"

"Start," Krista said, squeezing her hand.

"By pouring that shit down the drain?"

"Yes, and by going out last night with Laura, but I'm thinking that something happened at dinner that brought all this on. Or am I wrong?"

Raking her fingers through her hair, Toni let out a sigh. Getting up, she walked to the window and peered through the pane. "It was such a strange feeling being...being out there. I was so scared, but Laura, she was great. She never tried to rush anything or force me to do something I wasn't ready to do. She even ordered my meal and arranged for us to have a table in the back away from all the other people, just so I'd be comfortable."

"And were you?"

Turning around, Toni said, "At first I was. I was so busy talking to her and noticing things...things that I had forgotten."

"Like what?"

"Lots of stuff. The taste of a good steak and Cabernet. The way linen tablecloths feel, and how the flame of a candle flickers at the slightest breeze. Even the bloody silverware felt heavy in my hand, and for a little while, I felt...normal."

"But?"

"But when we left the restaurant, there were people everywhere and I panicked...and everything went to shit."

"What happened?"

Walking over, Toni sank into the sofa. "I fucking froze. I couldn't walk. I couldn't talk. I couldn't even breathe. Christ, I must have looked like a bloody fool standing there like a statue. I don't even know how she managed to do it, but Laura got me into the car and brought me home, but by the time we got here, I guess my embarrassment turned into anger and I...I sort of directed it all at her."

"Sort of?"

"I lashed out at her. I told her I didn't want her around and for her to stay the fuck away from me," Toni said, hanging her head. "All I keep seeing is her face when she left. She looked so hurt. All she wanted to do was be my friend, but I don't know what that means anymore. It's so hard for me to trust anyone, to believe that they won't hurt me."

"Do you really think she would?"

"No, not intentionally, but it doesn't really matter, does it? I fucked it all up."

"You could apologize."

"What good would that do? It doesn't make what I did right, and I can't expect her to just accept it and still want to be...to try to be a friend. Friends don't treat friends that way."

"Sure they do," Krista said softly. "You've been a pain in my arse these past few years. Hardly talking to me, most of the time not even acknowledging I was here, but I'm still your friend, and I always will be. I know you're hurting, and I know you're confused. You don't know which way to go, but I think Laura understands that, and in a way, we both grade on a curve when it comes to you."

"Must be one hell of a curve!"

"Yes, it is, but you're worth it. So why don't you pick up the phone and call her. Apologize and see what she says. You've got nothing to lose."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I burned her number last night."

Chapter Ten.

For the third time in as many minutes, Toni glanced at the clock, and she still wasn't sure what time it was. She had spent the entire day finding it difficult, if not impossible, to keep her mind on her work, her thoughts always drifting back to an auburn-haired woman whose office was one floor below. Having every intention of apologizing when Laura arrived that morning, as usual the woman was late, which left Toni with only one option. As she looked up and saw five minutes remaining for the class, she took a deep breath and began gathering papers.

Laura couldn't remember a worse Monday. After begrudgingly heeding Abby's advice, although Laura didn't try to contact Toni over the weekend, not thinking about her was another matter entirely. Unable to sleep more than a few hours on Saturday night and even less on Sunday, Laura arrived at work later than her usual lateness and then proceeded to spill not one, but two cups of coffee before the little hand pointed north. She had left her lunch sitting on the kitchen counter. John had called to say his sick leave would be extended three more weeks, and the over-the-counter painkillers she had been popping the entire day, while marvelous for a headache, seemed to have little effect on cramps. Long story short...Laura wanted to scream.

Noticing the time, Laura's first thought was to visit Toni before she left for the day, but remembering Abby's edict, she gritted her teeth and looked at the stack of files on her desk. Deciding that working from home sounded much more appealing than staying at Calloway, she began cramming papers into her attache as she said under her breath, "Fuck it!"

"Bad day?"

Startled, Laura looked up to see Toni standing in the doorway. "Toni! Hi!"

"I'm...I'm not disturbing you, am I?"

"No!" Laura blurted. "I mean...um...no, of course not. Please...please come in."

As Toni walked inside, she kept her eyes on the floor and her hands stuffed deep in her pockets, but when she hesitantly looked up and saw Laura's smiling face, the weight of uncertainty was lifted. Where she had expected to see anger and resentment, there was only friendship and compassion, and all the words Toni had practiced for the past two days came rushing back. "I...I want to apologize for Friday night. I had no right to say what I did and take my...my frustrations out on you. I had a really great time at dinner, but when we left, it all turned to shit, and by the time we got back to my place I was...I was..."

"Angry?"

"Yeah, and embarrassed," Toni said quietly. "And I'm sure I embarrassed you as well."

"You did no such thing," Laura said, shaking her head. "You were right. John and Kris did talk to me about you, so I know that Friday night wasn't easy for you. But all things considered, I think you did great, and you didn't embarrass me. Not at all."

"That still didn't give me the right to say the things I did, and I'm truly sorry."

"Well, apology accepted," Laura said, reaching for the painkillers.

Seeing the bottle on the desk, Toni picked it up and looked at the label. "Headache?"

"Um...no," Laura said, her cheeks darkening slightly as she held out her hand.

"Oh, right," Toni said, handing Laura the bottle. "You know? Those aren't really good for that."

"Where were you yesterday afternoon when I was buying them?"

"In my flat, practicing my apology," Toni said with a twinkle in her eye. "I have something in my desk that works a lot better than these. I'll be right back."

Before Laura could say a word, Toni bolted from the room, returning less than two minutes later with a small plastic container in her hand. "Take two of these and you'll feel better. I promise."