"Pause it, Bernie! You guys are gonna hear my joke, since the movie's not going to start anytime this year."

"Tell the doggone joke, Robin," Gloria says. "And it better be funny."

"Okay. You guys are gonna love this: Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.

"'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.

"'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

"The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him . . . Sum Ting Wong.' "

All three are laughing.

Robin is pleased. "See, I told you it was funny."

"Thanks for sharing, you silly bitch," Bernadine says.

"I think we should stop calling each other bitches. It just doesn't sound right anymore," Savannah says.

"I agree, bitch," Robin says to her.

"Okay, maybe if we say it like that, because that was touching, Robin."

"It was," Gloria says, "but I don't like that word or the N word or the F word either. I took them out of my vocabulary a long time ago. We can live without all of them."

"Then let's just agree not to refer to any woman-black or white or otherwise-this way. If we say it to each other with affection, we'll take it as such?" Bernadine asks.

"That'll work for me, bitch." Robin giggles.

"You guys will always be my bitches," Savannah says, keeling over. "What about ho ho?" Savannah asks.

"That one stays," Robin says.

"I don't know any," Bernadine says.

"I know one and her name is Nickida," Gloria says.

They've all gotten the lowdown and were equally shocked.

"I hope Tarik puts her out to pasture and leaves her there. Some things you just don't do," Bernadine says.

"I have never cheated on a boyfriend, let alone my husband," Savannah says. "Have any of you?"

They shake their heads no.

"Are they going to get divorced?" Robin asks. "That's probably a dumb question."

"He filed a few days ago."

"What about the kids?" Bernadine asks.

"The court'll decide if she's fit to share custody. I'm praying she only gets supervised visits."

"I wouldn't trust her with my dogs," Robin says.

"I'm sure it wasn't the first time she'd done the nasty with her ex, and Lord only knows who else," Bernadine says.

"Something like this could cost Tarik his job," Savannah says.

"Well, I might be going to rehab," Bernadine says.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Savannah reaches over and hugs her. Robin and Gloria charge down the steps and do the same.

"Is this the only way you know how to tell us important stuff, Bernie? Just dropping it out of nowhere like this?" Gloria asks.

"Sometimes I'm too scared."

"I hear you, girl. And I'm sorry for saying it like that. You don't have to explain a thing," Gloria says.

"You certainly don't," Robin says. "We've just been waiting for you to do something about this."

"Then why didn't anybody say anything?"

"We've tried," Robin says.

"You didn't hear us," Savannah says. "We figured when you got tired you'd hold up that white flag. We weren't about to let anything happen to you, that much we can say, right?"

Robin and Gloria nod their heads.

"So, how long and when and where do you think you might be going?" Savannah asks.

"I've been looking at some places online. There's a good one in Tucson but it's really expensive and they don't accept insurance. There are a lot of reputable ones in California that do."

"Have you talked to anybody yet?" Robin asks.

"I've called and hung up. I'm not sure what to say."

"Try telling them the truth, Bernie," Gloria says.

"I don't know what that is."

"Do you really think you're addicted?" Robin asks.

Bernadine nods. "I don't take a lot of them but I've been taking them too long."

"Have you ever tried just stopping?" Robin asks.

Before Bernadine can answer, Gloria says, "She could get really messed trying to quit cold turkey. It's better to do it under the care of a doctor or people who can help her get through the detoxing stage. That's the hardest part."

"How do you know so much about this?" Savannah asks her.

"Girl, I have heard and seen some of everything down at Oasis. Joline even told me how she kicked a sixty-pill-a-day Vicodin habit."

"Sixty?" Robin says. "How could you swallow that many pills in one day?"

"You'd be surprised," Gloria says. "They've done specials on every kind of drug you can think of. Haven't you guys ever seen them? Especially you, Savannah."

"I've seen some on alcohol, crystal meth and that Oxycontin stuff, but not tranquilizers."

"And an occasional sleeping pill," Bernadine throws in.

"Do whatever you have to do, Bernie. And whatever you need us to do, we'll do it. We're very proud of you, girl," Savannah says and sits straight up. "Since we're confessing. I'm going somewhere too. Paris."

"Where?" Bernadine asks. She turns to look at Savannah as if she doesn't know who she is.

"Did you just say Paris?" Robin asks.

"Yes, I said Paris."

"When? How? And when did you decide to do this? I know you're not going by yourself," Robin says.

"I most certainly am."

"Can I go with you?"

"Robin, shut up," Bernadine says. "You could certainly use a vacation, Savannah."

"We all could. And Robin? No, you cannot go with me. Maybe next time."

"Why not? Don't you need somebody to keep you company?"

Savannah shakes her head. "I'm going for two weeks. For the same reason Bernie's going to rehab. To find my center. I need a break from everything. So I can accept the reality that I'm a fifty-one-year-old single woman. Which means I need to launch a whole new program to help me live like this is a new beginning instead of an ending."

"Well, when did you decide all this? Without telling anybody?" Robin is pissed.

Gloria shakes her head at Robin, then looks at Savannah and says, "You go on, girl, and go."

"I wasn't trying to keep it a secret, Robin. I just wanted to put it in motion before I talked myself out of it."

"Smart move," Bernadine says. "Very smart."

"Anyway, my boss has a gorgeous apartment over there and she's letting me stay in it for free."

"I think it's wonderful and exciting, and one day I'd like to do something like this," Gloria says.

"I know you'd let me come with you, huh, Glo?"

Gloria rolls her eyes at Robin, then smiles. "I pray you find a husband soon, so you can drive him crazy everywhere you go."

"Hey," Savannah says. "We can go anywhere we feel like going. All we have to do is whip out a credit card and buy the damn ticket and go."

"Won't you be scared, going by yourself?" Robin asks.

"Scared of what?"

"Strangers."

"You deal with strangers every single day online. Are you scared?"

"I closed all six of my accounts. I'm finished with all of that."

"Hallelujah!" Gloria says.

"You were on six different sites? You should've had four or five husbands by now," Savannah says.

"What happened to Hark Angel?" Bernadine asks.

"Dark Angel. Don't even mention him. He's history. If I do anything else, it'll be speed dating." Angel. Don't even mention him. He's history. If I do anything else, it'll be speed dating."

No one wants to respond to this.

"Anyway," Savannah says. "A change of scenery is good for the soul. As the saying goes, sometimes you have to step outside of yourself in order to see yourself. So I'm going to Paris to rejuvenate." She lets out a huge sigh. "And to shop."

Bernadine presses PLAY, then tosses the remote onto a patch of grass. They all curl up. And watch the movie. Finally.

I'd Rather Work at Walmart

When I walk into the office, something isn't right. My department head isn't in his glass cage like he's been for the past two hundred years. It's lit up, so that means nothing has happened to him. Thank God. His name is Horace Mann. For years I got his name confused with Thomas Mann, the guy who wrote Death in Venice Death in Venice. I paid attention in high school, of course, but I'm now an official member of the C.R.S.-Can't Remember Shit-club, along with every other woman pushing fifty. I wonder where he could be. He's like a voyeur. Watches everybody come and go. He also lives on his computer.

I don't see Lucille either, which is weird. She's usually the first one here and the last to leave. Lucille is a VP-same as me and Norman. She's rather bitchy, with a headmistress demeanor. For the past twelve years she's worn a number of stingy black wigs with tight curls, and black-rimmed glasses that push the hair out and away from her ears. It adds ten years to her fifty-three. Lucille also dresses like she's going to a funeral, which makes her unattractive. She's divorced, and it's no wonder. She's all work and no play. Word around the office is Lucille hasn't had sex in a decade. It certainly shows. She rarely smiles. But I still like her.

Her office, which is right before you get to mine, is always spotless. This morning it looks even more like an ad in the Office Depot catalog. I don't see Norman. This is about the time he goes downstairs to get the paper and his Earl Grey tea. Fernando is sitting in his little cubicle, pretending to be engrossed in his work. He is such a bullshitter. He's a smart one. If only he could step up to the plate more often, he'd have a bright future with this company.

"Robin," I hear Horace say before I reach my office.

"Good morning, Horace." I turn to face him. He's six-five and shaped like an egg. "Is there a meeting or something going on that I wasn't told about?"

"Well, yes and no. However, would you mind meeting me in the conference room?"

"Sure, just let me put my things in my office. Do I have time to run downstairs to get a latte?"

"No. This won't take long. In fact, it'd be best if you could join us now."

"Okay." I follow him. I'm wondering if this is about that merger. It probably is. I'm feeling suspicious, especially since Lucille isn't around to tell me what the hell is going on. "Has anybody heard from Lucille? It's not like her to be late. I hope she's not sick."