But she is not the mother of your child! I shouted in my head. I shouted in my head.

Nuharoo played her role well. She showed her happiness with real tears. I thought, Could I be wrong about her? Could I be wrong about her? Maybe it was time for me to change my view. Maybe Nuharoo had turned herself into a true Buddhist. Maybe it was time for me to change my view. Maybe Nuharoo had turned herself into a true Buddhist.

When I was five months pregnant, Nuharoo suggested to Emperor Hsien Feng that I be moved back to the Palace of Concentrated Beauty.

"Lady Yehonala needs absolute peace," Nuharoo said to him. "She needs to stay away from stress of any kind, including the bad news about the country from you."

I let myself believe that Nuharoo was thinking of my welfare, and agreed to be moved. But the moment I was out of His Majesty's bedroom, I sensed that I had made a mistake. Soon enough the truth revealed itself, and I never made it back to that bedroom.

As if to add more chaos to my life, Chief Eunuch Shim told me that I would not be allowed to raise my own child. I was considered "one of the prince's mothers," but not the only one. "It is the Imperial tradition," Shim said coldly. Nuharoo would also be responsible for the daily care and education of my child, and she would have the right to take my child away from me if I refused to cooperate with her. The Manchu clan and Emperor Hsien Feng both believed that Nuharoo's Imperial blood qualified her to be the chief mother of the future prince. No one had ever accused me of being a concubine from a lower cla.s.s, but my background as a village girl and my father's status as a low-ranking governor were an embarra.s.sment that the court and the Emperor never forgot.

Fourteen.

A MONTH AFTER I was out of his sight, Emperor Hsien Feng took in four new concubines. They were of Han Chinese origin. Since the Imperial rules didn't permit non-Manchu women in the palace, Nuharoo made arrangements to smuggle them in.

It was hard for me to speak about the pain this caused me. It was like a slow drowning: the air was being shut out of my lungs and death had yet to arrive.

"Their teeny lotus-shaped feet have enthralled His Majesty," An-te-hai reported. "The ladies were a gift from the governor of Soochow."

I supposed that it was not difficult for Nuharoo to hint to the governors that the moment had come to please their ruler. An-te-hai discovered that Nuharoo had housed the new concubines in the Emperor's miniature town of Soochow, within the largest Imperial garden at the Summer Palace, located several miles from Yuan Ming Yuan. The Summer Palace, with its little Soochow, had been built around a lake and was made up of more than three thousand structures on almost seven hundred acres.

Would I be any different if I were in her shoes? What was I crying about? Hadn't I shamelessly gone to a wh.o.r.ehouse in order to learn man-pleasing tricks?

Emperor Hsien Feng had not visited me since I had left. My longing for him drove me to thoughts of white silk ropes. The little kicks inside my belly brought me back and steeled my will to survive. I reflected on my life, struggling to maintain my composure. Hsien Feng had never been mine to begin with. It was simply the way things were. The irony was that the Emperor was supposed to stay sober and refrain from lovemaking for three months after his mother's death. He honored only the traditions that suited him. I could not imagine my son being raised the way his father had been. I needed to convince Nuharoo that I would be no threat to her so that I would always be close to my child.

The rumors of His Majesty's obsession with his Chinese ladies reached every corner of the Forbidden City. I began to have horrible dreams. I dreamed that I was sleeping and someone was trying to pull me off the bed. I struggled but was unsuccessful and was dragged out of the room. In the meantime I clearly saw that my body was still on the bed, unmoving.

Also in my dreams I saw red berries prematurely dropping from trees. I could even hear them as they fell-pop, pop, pop. Superst.i.tion hinted that this was an omen for miscarriage. In a panic, I sent An-te-hai out to check if it was true that the berry trees behind my palace had started dropping their fruit. An-te-hai came back and reported that he had found no berries on the ground. Superst.i.tion hinted that this was an omen for miscarriage. In a panic, I sent An-te-hai out to check if it was true that the berry trees behind my palace had started dropping their fruit. An-te-hai came back and reported that he had found no berries on the ground.

Day after day I heard the popping sounds in my sleep. I suspected that the berries might have gotten caught between the roof tiles. To comfort me, An-te-hai climbed up a ladder to the roof. He and the other eunuchs checked between the tiles, and again there were no berries.

There continued to be no sign of His Majesty until Nuharoo arrived one morning with a broad smile on her face. I was surprised to see Emperor Hsien Feng behind her.

My lover looked a little awkward but soon composed himself. I couldn't tell whether he had missed me. I guessed not. He had been raised to have no comprehension of another's suffering. For him it would be wrong to spend time with only one woman anyway. I wondered if he had been enjoying his women. Had they been taking walks shoulder to shoulder, "carrying the light of the setting sun"? Had His Majesty been wanting to "kiss the flowers in their hands"?

I didn't care where those women came from. I hated them. Picturing how my lover must have touched them, my tears welled up. "I am well, thank you," I said to Emperor Hsien Feng, trying to smile. I would never let him know how terrible my pain was.

I didn't want to tell him that I had refused to go home when I was granted a ten-day leave as a reward for being pregnant. Although I missed my family very much, I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings if I saw them. My mother's fragile health would not bear my frustration, and it would be bad for Rong, who had been counting on me to find her a suitor. Rong would be disappointed if I told her that I was no longer the favorite and my way of helping her was limited.

His Majesty was quiet for a while. When he opened his mouth he talked about mosquitoes, how they bedeviled him. He blamed the eunuchs and complained that Doctor Sun Pao-tien had failed to heal an itchy spot below his chin. He didn't ask after me, and he acted as if my big belly was not there.

"I have been playing a game with my astrologer called the Lost Palaces," His Majesty said as if to break the silence between us. "It has many traps that will lead you to misjudgment. The master's advice was that I stay where I am and not bother to find my way until the time is ripe and the key to solving the problem presents itself."

Would Hsien Feng believe it if I explained to him what Nuharoo had done? It would never work, I concluded. It was public knowledge that when Nuharoo walked in the garden she looked like a drunkard. Actually it was because she was afraid of stepping on ants. When she accidentally did step on them, she apologized. The eunuchs had witnessed this. She had been called "the most tender creature" by our late mother-in-law.

We sat sipping tea while the conversation between His Majesty and Nuharoo went on. In the name of caring for me, Nuharoo proposed that she send me four of her own maids.

"It is to express my appreciation of Lady Yehonala, of my mei-mei mei-mei's contribution to the dynasty." She now officially called me mei-mei, mei-mei, "younger sister." "younger sister."

"My Little Cloud is the best among the four," Nuharoo said. "I will have difficulty letting her go. But you are my priority. The dynasty's hope of revival and prosperity rests in your belly."

Emperor Hsien Feng was pleased. He praised Nuharoo for her kindness, and then he got up to leave. He avoided looking at me as he bid goodbye. "Good health," he murmured dryly.

I was unable to hide my sadness. My heart kept searching for an acknowledgment of the warmth we had shared. But it was not there. It was as if we had never known each other. I wished that my belly were not in front of my eyes, not protruding like this, not demanding attention and touch. I wished that I could wipe away the memories.

I watched Emperor Hsien Feng and Nuharoo walking away. I wanted to throw myself at my lover's feet. I wanted to kiss his feet, and I would beg for love.

An-te-hai came to my side and held me tightly. "The berries are ripening, my lady," he whispered. "They will be ready soon."

The branches of the cypresses spread downward like giant fans, blocking the light of the moon. That night a storm came. I heard the branches sweeping and sc.r.a.ping the ground. The next morning An-te-hai told me that red berries were everywhere. "They look like blood-stains," the eunuch said. "They have covered your garden floor, and some are stuck between the roof tiles."

I received Little Cloud, a small-eyed and fat-cheeked fifteen-year-old maid. Since I was expected to obey the first wife's wish, I gave Little Cloud a handsome bonus, which the girl returned with a sweet "Thank you." I told An-te-hai to keep an eye on her. A few days later she was found spying.

"I caught her!" An-te-hai dragged Little Cloud over to my presence. "This cheap slave was peeking into Your Majesty's letters!"

Little Cloud denied the accusation. When I threatened to beat her if she didn't confess, she revealed her temper. Her small eyes sank into her fat face as she yelled and called An-te-hai "You tailless animal!" She then went on to insult me. "My lady entered through the Gate of Celestial Purity when she arrived, and you came through a side door!"

I told An-te-hai to drag the maid out and starve her for three meals.

As if enjoying my rage, Little Cloud continued. "You'd better think about whose dog you are kicking! So what if I have been spying on you? You have been reading court doc.u.ments instead of embroidery patterns! Are you guilty? Are you afraid? Let me tell you, it is too late to think about bribing me, Lady Yehonala. I shall report everything I have seen to my master. I will be rewarded for my loyalty; you will end up limbless and live in a jar."

"Whip!" I called. "Punish this girl until she shuts up!"

I never meant to have An-te-hai take my words literally. Unfortunately that was what happened. He and the other eunuchs dragged Little Cloud to the Hall of Punishment. They beat Little Cloud and tried every way to silence her, but the girl was too stubborn.

An hour later An-te-hai came to report that Little Cloud was dead.

"You ..." I was shocked. "An-te-hai, I didn't give you the order to beat her to death!"

"But, my lady, she wouldn't shut up."

As the head of the Imperial household, Nuharoo summoned me to appear before her. I hoped I had enough strength to endure what lay ahead. I worried about the child inside me.

Before I had finished changing, a group of eunuchs from the Hall of Punishment stormed into my palace. They wouldn't say who sent them. They arrested my floor eunuchs and maids and searched through my drawers and closets.

"You'd better send me to inform His Majesty immediately." An-te-hai helped me into my court robe. "They are going to torment you until the 'dragon seed' falls out."

I could feel my insides contracting. Frightened, I held my belly and told An-te-hai to waste no time. He picked up a washbasin and exited through the back chamber, pretending to fetch water.

I heard a voice outside, calling to hurry me to finish dressing. "Her Majesty the Empress is waiting!" I didn't know whether they were my eunuchs or the people who had come to wreck my palace.

I took as long as I could in order to gain time for An-te-hai. Two of my ladies in waiting came in. One checked my laces and b.u.t.tons and the other my hair. I stood in front of the mirror and took a last glance. I couldn't tell whether it was my emotion or my makeup that made me look ill. My robe was embroidered with black and gold orchids. I was thinking that if something should happen to me, I wanted to leave the earth wearing this dress.

I motioned toward the door, and my ladies raised the curtain. As I stepped out into the light, I saw Chief Eunuch Shim standing in the courtyard.

He was formally dressed in a purple robe and matching hat. He didn't respond to my greeting.

"What's going on, Chief Shim?" I asked.

"The rule forbids me to speak to you, Lady Yehonala." He tried to sound humble, but there was hidden elation in his tone. "Please, let me help you into your palanquin."

A tightness wrapped itself around my neck.

Looking down from her throne, Nuharoo was majestic. I got down on my knees and kowtowed to her. Only weeks had pa.s.sed since we had last seen each other, and it seemed that her beauty had grown even more striking. She was dressed in a golden robe embroidered with phoenixes. She wore heavy makeup. A drop of red was painted on her lower lip. Her large double-lidded eyes seemed brighter than usual. I couldn't tell whether it was from the moisture of her tears or an effect of her dark eyeliner.

"I don't appreciate the fact that you made me do this," she said. Without offering me permission to rise, she continued. "Anyone knows I am not made to bear a moment like this. Yet it is the irony of life. As the one who is responsible for the household, I am given no choice. My duty calls me to dispense justice. The rule has been made clear to everybody in the Forbidden City: no one has the right to mistreat a maid, not to mention take her life."

Suddenly she lowered her chin. She bit her lip and began to weep. Soon she was sobbing.

"Your Majesty," Chief Eunuch Shim said, "the whips have been soaked and the slaves are ready to perform their duty."

Nuharoo nodded. "Lady Yehonala, on your way, please!"

Taking a long, thick whip from his a.s.sistant, Shim made a deep bow to the Empress and then exited the room.

Guards came from four sides and locked their hands on me.

I resisted. "I am carrying Emperor Hsien Feng's child!"

Chief Eunuch Shim returned and twisted my arms behind me. My knees buckled and I fell. My belly swung to the floor.

On my knees I crawled to Nuharoo and begged. "I am truly sorry about what happened to Little Cloud, Your Majesty, but it was an accident. If you have to punish me, please do so after I give birth. I'll accept any term of imprisonment."

Nuharoo cracked a smile. Her expression frightened me. The smile told me that it was her wish that I should lose the baby, and that she could restore harmony between us only at that price. I was sure she knew that I wouldn't give in, knew that she had to force me, knew that she was backed by all the concubines. She wanted me to know that her will was strong and that she could not be denied.

We stared at each other. Between us was a naked understanding.

"I play fair, Lady Yehonala, and that's all," Nuharoo said almost gently. "I can a.s.sure you that there is nothing personal."

"On the frame!" Chief Eunuch Shim called.

The guards swept me up like a hen.

"Your Majesty Empress Nuharoo above," I cried, struggling to free myself. "As your slave I know my crime. Undeserving as I am, I beg you to pity me. I have begun telling this child in my belly that you are his true mother. You are his destiny. The reason this child will come through me is to reach you. Take pity on this child, Empress Nuharoo, for it will be your child."

I hit my forehead on the ground. The thought of losing my child felt worse than losing my own life. "Nuharoo, please, give him a chance to love you, my elder sister. I'll come back in the next life to be anything you desire. I'll be the skin of your drum, a paper for you to wipe your behind, a worm for your fish hook ..."

Chief Eunuch Shim whispered something in Nuharoo's ear. Her expression changed. Shim must have said that if she displeased the Imperial ancestors, she would be stripped of her t.i.tles and struck by lightning. Like An-te-hai to me, Shim was there to protect not only Nuharoo's future, but also his own.

"Carry on?" he asked.

Nuharoo nodded.

"Zah! " The eunuch took a step back as he finished his bow. He grabbed my collar and ordered his people, "In the manner of Woo Hua, the Flower-rope!" " The eunuch took a step back as he finished his bow. He grabbed my collar and ordered his people, "In the manner of Woo Hua, the Flower-rope!"

I was dragged out. Suddenly I felt warm fluid dripping from between my legs. I held my belly and cried.

It was then that I heard a long wail from the far end of the hall.

"Still and silence!"

Emperor Hsien Feng lunged between Chief Eunuch Shim and me. He was in his light yellow silk robe. His nostrils flared. His eyes were filled with rage. The breathless An-te-hai stood behind him.

Chief Eunuch Shim went to greet His Majesty, but he received no response.

Nuharoo rose from her chair. "Your Majesty, thank you so much for coming to release me." She threw herself at the Emperor's feet. "I can't bear this anymore. I can't make myself order Lady Yehonala's punishment knowing that she is carrying your child."

Emperor Hsien Feng stood frozen for a moment. He then bent down, both of his arms reaching out. "My Empress," he called softly. "Rise, please."

Nuharoo wouldn't rise. "I am an unfit Empress, and I deserve punishment," she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please forgive me for failing to perform my duty."

"You are the most merciful person I have ever known," the Emperor responded. "Orchid is very fortunate to have you as a sister."

I lay on the ground. An-te-hai helped me to sit on my heels. The warm fluid between my legs seemed to have stopped. When Hsien Feng looked to see whether I was truly hurt, I could see him concluding that An-te-hai had exaggerated.

His Majesty told Nuharoo that she had done nothing wrong. He took out his handkerchief and pa.s.sed it to her. "I didn't mean to burden you with responsibilities. However, you must understand that the Im perial household needs a ruler, and it is you. Please, Nuharoo, you have my deepest trust and grat.i.tude."

Nuharoo rose and bowed to the Emperor. She pa.s.sed back his handkerchief and took a towel from Chief Eunuch Shim. She patted her cheeks with the towel and said, "I am concerned that the baby has been strained because of this. I will not be able to face our ancestors if there is any damage." Again she broke into tears. At this, Emperor Hsien Feng offered to accompany her to the Imperial park in the afternoon to help her regain her composure.

It was hard to watch the way His Majesty showed his affection for Nuharoo. And it was harder to spend the night alone knowing that Hsien Feng was with her. The possibilities of what might have happened, and what might happen in the future, scared me more than any nightmare.

I lived in a world of chaos where torture was a routine practice. I began to understand why so many concubines became obsessed with religion. It was either that or complete madness.

I was enduring the worst winter of my life. It was mid-February of 1856. My belly was now the size of a watermelon. Against An-te-hai's advice, I stepped out onto the frosted ground. I wanted to visit my garden and longed to breathe fresh air. The beauty of the snow-covered pavilions and paG.o.das brought me a delighted feeling of hope. In only a few months the baby would be born.

I attempted to dig into the soil, but the ground was still hard. An-te-hai brought a large sack of flower bulbs from the past year and said to me, "Plant a wish for the baby, my lady."

I could tell he had been sleeping soundly, for his cheeks were apple red.

"Of course," I said.

It took us the whole day to plant the bulbs. I thought about the farmers in the countryside and imagined the families working to break the frozen soil.

"If you are to be a son," I said, placing a hand on my belly, "and if you ever get to be the Emperor of China, I wish you to be good and deserving."

"A-ko! " The moment I heard An-te-hai's cry, my mind turned into a spring garden where flowers bloomed all at once. Although exhausted, I was in rapture. Before Hsien Feng arrived, Nuharoo and all His Maj-esty's other wives and concubines made their way to my palace. "Where is our newborn son?" " The moment I heard An-te-hai's cry, my mind turned into a spring garden where flowers bloomed all at once. Although exhausted, I was in rapture. Before Hsien Feng arrived, Nuharoo and all His Maj-esty's other wives and concubines made their way to my palace. "Where is our newborn son?"

Everybody congratulated Nuharoo. When she picked up the baby from my arms and proudly showed him to the others, my fear returned. I kept thinking: Now that they have lost the chance to kill my son in my belly, will they kill him in his cradle? Will they poison his mind by spoiling him? Now that they have lost the chance to kill my son in my belly, will they kill him in his cradle? Will they poison his mind by spoiling him? One thing I was sure of was that they would never let go of the idea of getting even with me. One thing I was sure of was that they would never let go of the idea of getting even with me.

I was granted a new t.i.tle by Emperor Hsien Feng, the Auspicious Mother. Gifts and cases of taels were sent to honor my family. Still, my mother and my sister were not permitted to visit me. My husband didn't come either. My "filthiness" was believed to be capable of bringing disease to His Majesty.

I was served ten meals a day, but I had no appet.i.te and most of the food was wasted. I was left alone to drift in and out of sleep. In my dreams I chased people who came in disguise to harm my son.