I HEAR PROMISING BEATS." Doctor Sun Pao-tien's voice came through my curtain. "It tells me that you have a sheemai. sheemai."

"What's a sheemai sheemai?" I asked nervously. The curtain separated the doctor and me. Lying on my bed, I couldn't see the man's face, only his shadow projected by candlelight on the curtain. I stared at his hand, which was inside the curtain. It rested on my wrist, with its second and middle fingers pressing lightly. It was a delicate-looking hand with amazingly long fingers. The hand carried with it the faint smell of herbal medicines. Since no male but the Emperor was allowed to see the females in the Forbidden City, an Imperial doctor based his diagnosis on the pulse of his patient.

I wondered what he could examine while the curtain blocked his eyes, yet the pulse alone had guided Chinese doctors to detect the body's problems for thousands of years. Sun Pao-tien was the best physician in the nation. He was from a Chinese family with five generations of doctors. He was known for discovering a peach-pit-sized stone in the gut of the Grand Empress Lady Jin. In terrible pain, the Empress didn't believe the doctor but trusted him enough to drink the herbal medicine he'd prescribed. Three months later a maid found the stone in Her Majesty's stool.

Doctor Sun Pao-tien's voice was soft and gentle. "Shee means 'happiness,' and means 'happiness,' and mai mai means 'pulses.' means 'pulses.' Sheemai Sheemai-happy pulses. Lady Yehonala, you are pregnant."

Before my mind recognized what he said, Doctor Sun Pao-tien withdrew his hand.

"Excuse me!" I sat up and reached to pull at the curtain. Fortunately An-te-hai had clipped it closed. I was not sure whether I indeed had heard the word "pregnant." I had been suffering from morning sickness for weeks and didn't trust my hearing.

"An-te-hai!" I cried. "Get me the hand back!"

After a busy movement on the other side of the curtain, the doctor's shadow returned. Several eunuchs guided him to the chair and his hand was pushed in. It was obviously displeased. It rested on the edge of my bed with the fingers curled inward like a crawling spider. I could care less. I wanted to hear the word "pregnant" again. I picked up the hand and placed it on my wrist. "Make sure, Doctor," I pleaded.

"There is success in all fields of your body." Doctor Sun Pao-tien's voice was unhurried, each word spoken clearly. "Your veins and arteries are beaming. Beautiful elements blanket your hills and dales ..."

"Eh? What does that mean?" I shook the hand.

An-te-hai's shadow merged with the doctor's. He translated the doctor's words for me. The excitement in his voice was unmistakable. "My lady, the dragon seed has sprouted!"

I let go of Sun Pao-tien's hand. I couldn't wait for An-te-hai to remove the clips. I thanked Heaven for its blessing. For the rest of the day I ate almost continually. An-te-hai was so overjoyed that he forgot to feed his birds. He went to the Imperial fish farm and asked for a bucket of live fish.

"Let's celebrate, my lady," he said when he came back.

We went to the lake with the fish. One by one I freed the fish. The ritual, called fang sheng, fang sheng, was a gesture of mercy. With each fish that was given a chance to live, I added to my stock of goodwill. was a gesture of mercy. With each fish that was given a chance to live, I added to my stock of goodwill.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of music in the late-summer sky. It was from An-te-hai's pigeons, flying in circles above my roof. The sound of wind pipes took me back to Wuhu, where I had made similar pipes from water reeds, which I tied to my own birds and to kites too. Depending on their thickness, the reeds would produce different sounds. One old villager tied two dozen wind pipes to a large kite. He arranged the pipes in such a way that they produced the melody of a popular folk song.

I got up, went to the garden and was greeted by the peac.o.c.ks. An-te-hai was busy feeding the parrot, Confucius. The bird tried out a new phrase it had just learned: "Congratulations, my lady!" I was delighted. The orchids around the yard were still in bloom. The flower's long slender stems bent elegantly. The leaves stood like dancers holding up their sleeves. White and blue petals stretched outward as if kissing the sunlight. The orchids' black velvety hearts reminded me of Snow's eyes.

An-te-hai told me that Doctor Sun Pao-tien had suggested that I keep the news of my pregnancy to myself until the third month. I took his advice. Whenever possible, I indulged myself in the garden. The sweet hours made me miss my family. I ached with the desire to share this news with my mother.

Despite my "secret," before long the Imperial wives and concubines in every palace learned about my pregnancy. I was showered with flowers, jade carvings and good-wish paper cutouts. Every concubine made an effort to visit me. The ones who were unwell sent their eunuchs with more gifts.

In my room the presents piled up to the ceiling. But behind the smiling faces lay envy and jealousy. Swollen eyes were evidence of crying and sleepless nights. I knew exactly how the rest of the concubines felt. I remembered my own reaction toward Lady Yun's pregnancy. I hadn't wished Lady Yun bad luck, but I hadn't wished her well either. I had been quietly relieved when Nuharoo told me that Lady Yun had given birth to a daughter instead of a son.

I was not looking forward to what was coming. I feared that numerous traps would be set for me. It was only natural that the concubines should hate me.

As my belly began to swell, my fear increased. I now ate little in order to narrow the risk of being poisoned. I dreamt of Snow's hairless body floating in the well. An-te-hai warned me to be careful every time I drank a bowl of soup or took a walk in the garden. He believed that my rivals had directed their eunuchs to lay loose rocks or dig holes in my path to make me stumble. When I pointed out that he was overreacting, An-te-hai told me a story about a jealous concubine who instructed her eunuch to break a tile on her rival's roof so that it would slip down and hit the rival on the head, and it did!

Before I got into my palanquin, An-te-hai always checked to see whether there was a needle hidden inside my cushion. He was convinced that my rivals would do anything to shock me into a miscarriage.

I understood the cause of such viciousness, but I wouldn't be able to forgive anyone who tried to destroy my child. If I delivered safely, my status would be elevated at the expense of the others. My name would go into the Imperial record books. If the child should be a male, I would rise to the rank of Empress, sharing the t.i.tle with Nuharoo.

The night was deep, and His Majesty and I lay side by side. He had been cheerful since learning of my pregnancy. We had been spending our nights at the Palace of Concentrated Beauty, north of the Hall of Spiritual Nurturing. I slept better in my palace because no one came to wake us with urgent business. His Majesty had been living in both palaces, depending on how late his work kept him. An-te-hai's warnings troubled me and I asked His Majesty to increase the night guards at my gate. "Just in case," I said. "I would feel safer."

His Majesty sighed. "Orchid, you are ruining a dream of mine."

I was startled by this and asked him to explain.

"My dreams of building a prosperous China have been repeatedly crushed. Increasingly, I cannot help but doubt my abilities as a ruler. But my power encounters no resistance in the Forbidden City. The concubines and eunuchs are my faithful citizens. There is no confusion here. I expect you to love me and to love one another. I especially desire serenity between you and Nuharoo. The Forbidden City is poetry in its purest form. It is my spiritual garden where I can lie among my flowers and rest."

But is it possible to love here? The atmosphere in this garden had long been poisoned. The atmosphere in this garden had long been poisoned.

"That wonderful evening when you and Nuharoo walked together in the garden," His Majesty said in a dreamy tone. "I remember the day clearly. You carried the light of the setting sun. You were both dressed in spring robes. You had been picking flowers. With armfuls of peonies you walked toward me, smiling and chatting as sweetly as sisters. It made me forget my troubles. All I wanted to do was to kiss the flowers in your hands ..."

I wished I could tell him that I was never part of it. His picture of beauty and harmony did not exist. He had woven Nuharoo and me into his fantasy. Nuharoo and I might have loved each other and been friends if our survival hadn't depended on his affection.

"Nowadays when I see something beautiful I want to freeze it." Rising from his pillow, His Majesty turned to me and asked, "You and Nuharoo cared for each other before-why not now? Why do you have to ruin it?"

In the third month of my pregnancy the court astrologers were ordered to perform pa kua. pa kua. Wooden, metal and golden sticks were thrown on the marble floor. A bucket containing the blood of several animals was brought in. Water and colored sand were spread onto the walls to create paintings. In their long, star-patterned black robes, the astrologers squatted on their heels. With their noses almost touching the floor they studied the sticks and interpreted the ghostly images on the walls. Finally they p.r.o.nounced that the child I carried possessed the proper balance of gold, wood, water, fire and soil. Wooden, metal and golden sticks were thrown on the marble floor. A bucket containing the blood of several animals was brought in. Water and colored sand were spread onto the walls to create paintings. In their long, star-patterned black robes, the astrologers squatted on their heels. With their noses almost touching the floor they studied the sticks and interpreted the ghostly images on the walls. Finally they p.r.o.nounced that the child I carried possessed the proper balance of gold, wood, water, fire and soil.

The ritual continued. Unlike fortunetellers in the countryside, the Imperial astrologers avoided expressing their true views. I noticed that everything said was aimed at pleasing Emperor Hsien Feng, who would issue rewards. Trying to look busy, the astrologers danced around the stained walls all day long. In the evening they sat and rolled their eyeb.a.l.l.s in circles. I found excuses and left. To punish me, the astrologers pa.s.sed on a dire prediction to the Grand Empress: if I didn't lie absolutely still after sunset, with both of my legs raised, I would lose the child. I was tied to my bed, and stools were placed under my feet. I was upset but could do nothing. My mother-in-law was a strong believer in pa kua pa kua astrology. astrology.

"My lady," An-te-hai asked, noticing that I was in a sour mood, "since you have time, would you like to learn a bit about pa kua pa kua? You can find out whether your child is a mountain type or an ocean type."

As always, An-te-hai sensed just what it was I needed. He brought in an expert, "the most reputable in Peking," my eunuch said. "He got past the gates because I disguised him as a garbage man."

With the three of us shut up in my chamber, the man, who had one eye, read the sand paintings that he drew on a tray. What he said confused me and I tried hard to comprehend. "Pa kua will not work once it is explained," he said. "The philosophy is in the senses." An-te-hai was impatient and asked the man to "cut the fat." The expert was turned into a village fortuneteller. He told me that there was a very good chance that my child would be a boy. will not work once it is explained," he said. "The philosophy is in the senses." An-te-hai was impatient and asked the man to "cut the fat." The expert was turned into a village fortuneteller. He told me that there was a very good chance that my child would be a boy.

I lost interest in learning more about pa kua pa kua after that. The prediction set my heart racing. I managed to sit still and ordered the man to continue. after that. The prediction set my heart racing. I managed to sit still and ordered the man to continue.

"I see the child has everything perfect except too much metal, which means he will be stubborn." The man flipped the rocks and sticks he had spread out on the tray. "The boy's best quality is that he is likely to pursue his dreams." At this point the man paused. He raised his chin toward the ceiling and his eyebrows twitched. He squeezed his nose and blinked. Yellowish crust flaked from his empty eye socket. He stopped talking.

An-te-hai moved closer to him. "Here is a reward for your honesty," my eunuch said, putting a bag of taels into the man's large sleeve.

"The darkness," the man immediately resumed, "is that his coming into the world will place a curse on a close family member."

"Curse? What kind of curse?" An-te-hai asked before I could. "What will happen to this close family member?"

"She will die," the man replied.

I drew a breath and asked why it was a she. The man had no answer for that and could tell me only that he had read the signs.

I begged him for a clue. "Will the she be me? Will I die in childbirth?"

The man shook his head and said that the picture was unclear at this point. He was unable to tell me more.

After the one-eyed man was gone, I tried to forget about the prediction. I told myself that he couldn't prove what he had said. Unlike Nuharoo, who was a devoted Buddhist, I was not a religious person and never took superst.i.tion seriously. Everyone in the Forbidden City, it seemed, was obsessed with the idea of life after death, investing all their hopes in the next world. The eunuchs talked about coming back "in one piece," while the concubines looked forward to having a husband and children of their own. The afterlife was part of Nuharoo's Buddhist study. She was quite knowledgeable about what would happen to us after death. She said that after reaching the underworld, each person would be interrogated and judged. Those whose lives had been stained with sin were sentenced to h.e.l.l, where they would be boiled, fried, sawed or chopped to pieces. Those who were considered sinless got to begin a new life on earth. Not everyone came back to live the life he or she desired, however. The lucky were reborn as humans, the unlucky as animals-a dog, a pig, a flea.

The concubines in the Forbidden City, especially the senior ones, were extremely superst.i.tious. Besides making yoo-hoo-loos yoo-hoo-loos and chanting, they spent their days mastering various kinds of witchcraft. To them, belief in the next life was itself a weapon. They needed the weapon to place curses on their rivals. They were very ingenious about the various fates they wished upon their enemies. and chanting, they spent their days mastering various kinds of witchcraft. To them, belief in the next life was itself a weapon. They needed the weapon to place curses on their rivals. They were very ingenious about the various fates they wished upon their enemies.

Nuharoo showed me a book called The Calendar of Chinese Ghosts, The Calendar of Chinese Ghosts, with vivid, bizarre ill.u.s.trations. I was not unfamiliar with the material. I had heard every story it contained and had seen a hand-copied version in Wuhu. The book was used by storytellers in the countryside. Nuharoo was especially fascinated by "The Red Embroidered Shoes," an old tale about a pair of shoes worn by a ghost. with vivid, bizarre ill.u.s.trations. I was not unfamiliar with the material. I had heard every story it contained and had seen a hand-copied version in Wuhu. The book was used by storytellers in the countryside. Nuharoo was especially fascinated by "The Red Embroidered Shoes," an old tale about a pair of shoes worn by a ghost.

As a child I had seen fortunetellers make false predictions that ruined lives. However, An-te-hai wanted to take no chances. I knew he worried that the ill-fated "she" would turn out to be me.

For the next few days his worry grew. He became melodramatic to the point of silliness. "Each day could be your last," he mumbled one morning. He served me carefully, observing my every move. He sniffed the air like a dog and refused to shut his eyes at night. When I napped, he left the Forbidden City and came back to report that he had spent time with older village bachelors. Offering money, he asked the bachelors if they would like to adopt my unborn child.

I asked why he was doing so.

An-te-hai explained that since my boy would bear a curse, it was our duty to spread the curse to other people. According to The Book of Superst.i.tion, The Book of Superst.i.tion, if enough people were to bear the curse, it would lose its effect. "The bachelors are eager to have someone carry on their family name," my eunuch said. "Don't worry, my lady. I did not reveal who the boy was, and the adoption is an oral contract only." if enough people were to bear the curse, it would lose its effect. "The bachelors are eager to have someone carry on their family name," my eunuch said. "Don't worry, my lady. I did not reveal who the boy was, and the adoption is an oral contract only."

I praised An-te-hai's loyalty and told him to stop. But he wouldn't. The next day I saw him bowing to a crippled dog as it pa.s.sed by the garden. On another day he got down on his knees and kowtowed to a bundled pig on its way to the temple to be sacrificed.

"We must undo the curse," An-te-hai said. "Paying respect to the crippled dog acknowledges that it had suffered. Someone had beaten it and broken its bones. Such animals serve as a subst.i.tute, reducing the power of the curse, if not transferring it to others." After the pig was slaughtered, An-te-hai believed that I would be released, for I, in the spirit of the pig, had become a ghost.

Early one morning news broke throughout the Imperial household: Grand Empress Lady Jin had pa.s.sed away.

An-te-hai and I couldn't help but conclude that there must be something to pa kua. pa kua. Another strange incident took place that morning. The gla.s.s housing of the clock in the Hall of Spiritual Nurturing shattered when the clock struck nine. The court astrologer explained that Lady Jin's death was brought on because she had been too eager to invest in her longevity. She loved the number nine. She had celebrated her forty-ninth birthday by draping her bed with red ropes and silk sheets embroidered with forty-nine Chinese nines. Another strange incident took place that morning. The gla.s.s housing of the clock in the Hall of Spiritual Nurturing shattered when the clock struck nine. The court astrologer explained that Lady Jin's death was brought on because she had been too eager to invest in her longevity. She loved the number nine. She had celebrated her forty-ninth birthday by draping her bed with red ropes and silk sheets embroidered with forty-nine Chinese nines.

"She had been sick but was not expected to die until she got weighted down by the nines," the astrologer said.

By the time my palanquin arrived at Lady Jin's palace the body had already been washed. She was moved from her bedroom to lin chuang, lin chuang, a "soul bed," which was in the shape of a boat. Her Majesty's feet were tied with red strings. She was dressed in a full-length silver court robe embroidered with symbols of every kind. There were fortune wheels, representing the principles of the universe; seash.e.l.ls in which one could hear the voice of the Buddha; oil-paper umbrellas that protected the seasons from flood and drought; vials that held the fluid of wisdom and magic; lotus flowers representing generations of peace; goldfish for balance and grace; and finally the symbol a "soul bed," which was in the shape of a boat. Her Majesty's feet were tied with red strings. She was dressed in a full-length silver court robe embroidered with symbols of every kind. There were fortune wheels, representing the principles of the universe; seash.e.l.ls in which one could hear the voice of the Buddha; oil-paper umbrellas that protected the seasons from flood and drought; vials that held the fluid of wisdom and magic; lotus flowers representing generations of peace; goldfish for balance and grace; and finally the symbol[image] , which stood for infinity. A golden sheet printed with Buddhist scriptures wrapped her from chest to knees. , which stood for infinity. A golden sheet printed with Buddhist scriptures wrapped her from chest to knees.

A palm-sized mirror with a long handle was placed beside Her Majesty. It was said to protect the dead from being disturbed by mean-spirited ghosts. The mirror would reflect the ghosts' own images. Because most ghosts had no idea what they looked like, they would expect to see themselves as they were when alive. Instead, the evil things they had done in the past would have transformed them into skeletons, grotesque monsters or worse. The mirror would shock them into retreat.

Lady Jin's head looked like a big pile of dough from all the powder on her face. An-te-hai told me that in her last days boils had erupted all over her face. In the record, her doctor wrote that the "buds" on Her Majesty's body "bloomed" and produced "nectar." The boils were black and green, like a rotten potato sprouting shoots. The whole Forbidden City gossiped that it must have been the work of her former rival, Empress Chu An.

Lady Jin's face had been smoothed and patched with powder from ground pearls. If one looked closely, however, one could still detect the b.u.mps. On the right side of Her Majesty's head was a tray with a golden ceramic bowl. This contained her last earthly meal, rice. On the left stood a large burning oil lamp, the "eternal light."

I went with Nuharoo and Emperor Hsien Feng's other wives to view the body. We were all dressed in white silk gowns. Nuharoo wore makeup but without the rouge dot on her lower lip. She burst into tears when she saw Lady Jin. She pulled a piece of lace from her hair and bit it with her teeth in order to hold back her emotions. I was moved by her sadness and offered her my hand. We stood shoulder to shoulder before the dead Empress.

A mourning troupe arrived. They cried in various styles. The sound was more like singing than crying. It reminded me of the discordant music of a village band. Maybe it was how I felt-I had just escaped the curse. My mood was lightened and I felt little sadness.

Lady Jin had never liked me. She said openly after learning I was pregnant that she wished the news had come from Nuharoo. She believed that I had stolen Emperor Hsien Feng from Nuharoo.

I remembered the last time I encountered Lady Jin. Her health was declining but she refused to admit it. Disregarding the fact that everyone knew about the peach-pit-sized stone, she claimed that her health had never been more robust. She rewarded doctors who lied to her and said that her longevity was not in doubt. But her body gave away her flaws. When she pointed a finger and tried to tell me that I was bad, her hand trembled. It looked like she was getting ready to strike me. She tried to fight off her trembling. Eventually she fell back and couldn't sit up without help from her eunuchs. That didn't stop her from cursing me. "You illiterate!" she cried. I didn't understand her choice of epithet. None of the other ladies, except perhaps Nuharoo, was more accomplished than I was in reading.

I tried to avoid Lady Jin's lifeless eyes. I looked above her eyebrows when I had to face her. Her broad wrinkled forehead reminded me of a painting I had once seen of the Gobi Desert. Folds of skin hung from her chin. The loss of her teeth on her right side made her face slope like a spoiled melon.

Lady Jin had a love of magnolias. Even in sickness, she wore an embroidered dress with large pink magnolia flowers covering every inch of the fabric. "Magnolia" had been the Empress's childhood name. I could hardly believe that she had once caught the eye of Emperor Tao Kuang.

How frightening it was the way a woman could age. Would anyone be able to imagine how I would look by the time I died?

Lady Jin yelled at me that day, "Don't you worry about your beauty. Worry about beheading instead!" The words were pushed out of her chest as she struggled with her breath. "Let me tell you what I have been worrying about since the day I became the Imperial consort! I will continue to worry until the day I die!" Fighting to keep her composure, she raised herself up with the help of her eunuchs. With both arms in the air she looked like a vulture spreading its wings from the edge of a cliff.

We dared not move. The daughters-in-law-Nuharoo, Ladies Yun, Li, Mei and Hui, and I-endured her ranting and waited for the moment when she would release us.

"Have you heard the story from a country far away where people's eyeb.a.l.l.s look like they have been bleached and their hair is the color of straw?" Lady Jin narrowed her eyes. The landscape of her forehead changed from rolling hills to steep valleys. "A king's entire family was slaughtered after the empire was overthrown. All of them, including the infants!"

Seeing that her words had startled us, she was satisfied. "You bunch of illiterates!" she yelled. Suddenly her throat produced a string of noises: "Ohhhhh, wa! Ohhhhh, wa!" It took me a while to realize that she was laughing. "Fear is good! Ohhhhh, wa! Ohhhhh, wa! Fear tortures you and makes you behave. You can't gain immortality without it, and my job is to instill fear in you! Fear tortures you and makes you behave. You can't gain immortality without it, and my job is to instill fear in you! Ohhhhh, wa! Ohhhhh, wa! Ohhhhh, wa! Ohhhhh, wa!"

I could still hear that laughter. I wondered what Lady Jin would say if she had known that she was the victim of my child, her grandson's curse. I felt blessed that Lady Jin considered me an illiterate. She would have ordered my beheading if she had seen my love for knowledge or bothered to trace the source of the curse.

Watching her on her soul bed, I had little remorse. I saw no sympathy in the others except for Nuharoo. The general expression was wooden. The eunuchs had just finished burning straw paper in the hall, and now the crowd was led outside to burn more paper. In the courtyard life-size palanquins, horses, carriages, tables and chamber pots were being installed with life-size paper figures of people and animals. The figures were clothed in expensive silk and linen, as was the furniture. Following the Manchu burial traditions she had adopted, she had arranged everything herself years before. The paper figure of herself looked real, although it was the way she used to look when she was young. It was wearing a magnolia-patterned dress.

Before the ceremony began, a thirty-foot pole was raised. A red silk scroll was mounted at the top with the word tien, tien, "in memory." It was the first time I had a chance to witness this ritual. Centuries before, Manchus inhabited vast gra.s.slands where it was difficult to notify relatives about a death in the family. When a family member died, a pole with a red scroll would be put up in front of the family's tent, so that pa.s.sing hors.e.m.e.n and herdsmen would stop and pay their respects in place of the missing relatives. "in memory." It was the first time I had a chance to witness this ritual. Centuries before, Manchus inhabited vast gra.s.slands where it was difficult to notify relatives about a death in the family. When a family member died, a pole with a red scroll would be put up in front of the family's tent, so that pa.s.sing hors.e.m.e.n and herdsmen would stop and pay their respects in place of the missing relatives.

True to the custom, three large tents were set up in the Forbidden City. One was used to display the body, the second housed the monks, lamas and priests who came from afar, and the last was for receiving relatives and high-ranking guests. Other, smaller tents were also put up in the courtyard to receive visitors. The tents were about ten feet in height, and the supporting bamboo posts were decorated with white magnolias made of silk. As daughters-in-law we each were given a dozen handkerchiefs for our tears. I kept hearing Lady Jin-"Illiterate!"-and wanted to laugh instead of cry. I had to cover my face with my hands.

Between my fingers I saw Prince Kung arrive. He was dressed in a white robe and matching boots. When he examined the coffin, he looked grief-stricken. The female relatives were supposed to avoid their male cousins or brothers-in-law, so we retreated to the next room. Fortunately I was able to see through the windows. The coffin lid was lifted for Prince Kung. Glittering jewels, gold, jade, pearls, emeralds, rubies and crystal vases were piled on Lady Jin's chest. Besides the little mirror, she was holding her makeup box.

Prince Kung stood solemnly beside his mother. His sorrow made him look like an older man. He got down on his knees and performed a kowtow. His forehead remained on the ground for a long time. When he rose, a eunuch went up and carefully parted Lady Jin's lips. The eunuch placed a large pearl strung on red thread in her mouth. Then he closed her mouth, leaving the end of the thread hanging by her chin. The pearl was the symbol of life's essence and represented purity and n.o.bility. The red thread, which would be tied by her son, served as a demonstration of his unwillingness to part with her.

Prince Kung tied the thread onto the first b.u.t.ton of his mother's robe. A eunuch handed him a pair of chopsticks with a wet cotton ball between them. Prince Kung gently wiped his mother's eyelids with the cotton ball.

The guests brought in boxes of decorated steamed buns. The plates in front of the altars had to be changed every few minutes in order to receive more boxes. Hundreds of scrolls were also brought. They piled up and made the palace look like a calligraphy festival. Couplets and poems hung from every wall. Extra string was needed to tie more couplets from the beams. The kitchen served a banquet for more than two thousand guests.

The mourning troupe wailed when Prince Kung's knees. .h.i.t the ground again. The chanting mounted to a crescendo. The trumpets were deafening. I thought that this would be the end of the ceremony, but no: it had just officially started.

The seventh day was the time of the figure-burning ceremony. Three paper palaces and two mountains were to be set on fire. The palaces were twelve feet high, each with a golden paG.o.da at the top. One mountain was painted gold and the other silver. The ceremony was conducted outside the Forbidden City, near the North Bridge. The crowds that gathered exceeded the New Year's Eve celebration. The paper palaces were modeled after examples of Sung Dynasty architecture. The tiles of the traditional wing roofs were painted ocean blue. From where I stood, I could peer into the palaces, which were completely furnished. The chair covers were painted in strokes and patterns that imitated embroidery. On a dining table piled with paper flowers, silver chopsticks and gold wine cups were neatly set out.

The mountains were covered with rocks, brooks, magnolia trees and waving gra.s.s, all done to scale. What amazed me even more was that there were tiny cicadas resting on the magnolia branches, b.u.t.terflies on peonies and crickets in the gra.s.s. It took hundreds of craftsmen years to complete this paper world, and in minutes it would turn to ashes.

The chanting began and the fire was lit. As the flames shot high the monks, lamas and priests threw steamed buns over the heads of the cheering crowd. The buns were supposed to be consumed by homeless ghosts. It was a gesture of Lady Jin's benevolence.

Emperor Hsien Feng was absent from the beginning to the end. He claimed to be ill. I knew that he hated this woman, and I didn't blame him. Lady Jin was the one who had caused his birth mother's suicide. By not attending the funeral, the Emperor was making a statement.

The guests and concubines made poor mourners. They ate and drank and chatted with one another. I even heard people talking about my pregnancy.

There was no way I could convince Emperor Hsien Feng that my rivals were plotting against me. I told His Majesty that the fish in my pond were dying, that the orchids in my garden had withered in the middle of a strong blooming. An-te-hai found that orchid-loving rodents had eaten the plants' roots. Someone had to have smuggled them in.

My complaints irritated my husband. He thought of Nuharoo as the G.o.ddess of mercy and told me to quit worrying. My thinking was that I might be able to deal with one Nuharoo but not three thousand. Anything could happen, since they had made my belly a target. I was nearly twenty-one, and already I had heard about too many murders.

I begged Emperor Hsien Feng to move us back to Yuan Ming Yuan until I delivered. His Majesty yielded. I knew that I had to learn to tuck away my happiness like a mouse hiding its food. For the past weeks I had tried to avoid talking about my pregnancy when the other concubines visited. But it was difficult, especially when they brought gifts for the baby. The Emperor had recently increased my allowance, and I used the extra taels to purchase return gifts of equal value. I was sick of pretending to be glad of their visits.

An-te-hai kept my belly his priority. As it grew bigger, he became more and more involved. Each day he danced on his nerve tips, excited and frightened at the same time. Instead of greeting me in the morning, he greeted my belly. "Good morning, Your Young Majesty." He bowed deeply and solemnly. "What can I get you for breakfast?"

I began to study Buddhist ma.n.u.scripts. I prayed that my child would be content to grow inside me. I prayed that my nightmares wouldn't disturb his growth. If I produced a girl, I still wanted to feel happy and blessed. Mornings I sat in a sun-filled room and read. In the afternoon I practiced calligraphy, part of a Buddhist's training for cultivating balance and harmony. Gradually I felt the return of peace. Since I had captured His Majesty's attention, he had visited Nuharoo only twice. Once was upon Lady Jin's death. After the burial, he called on Nuharoo for tea. According to An-te-hai's spies, His Majesty talked to her about nothing but the ceremony.

The second time His Majesty visited Nuharoo was at her request. And this Nuharoo told me herself. She did what she believed would please His Majesty-she asked for his permission to add a wing to Lady Jin's tomb. Nuharoo reported that she had been collecting taels from everyone and had contributed her own money.

Emperor Hsien Feng was not pleased, but praised Nuharoo for her devotion. To demonstrate his affection and appreciation, he issued an edict to add one more t.i.tle to Nuharoo's name. She was now the Virtuous Lady of Grand Piety. But that was not what Nuharoo wanted. I knew what she wanted. She wanted Hsien Feng back in her bed. But he was not interested. His Majesty stayed in my quarters every night until dawn, disregarding the rules. It would be dishonest of me to say that I was willing to share Hsien Feng with anyone else, but I did understand Nuharoo's suffering. In the future I would find myself wearing her shoes. For the moment I tried to get what I could. I thought of tomorrow as a mystery, and I allowed it to reveal itself. The word "future" made me think of the locust war my father had fought back in Wuhu, when the spring fields disappeared overnight.

Nuharoo managed to put on fabulous smiles in public, but the gossip from her eunuchs and ladies in waiting revealed that she was dis-tressed. She moved deeper into her Buddhist faith and visited the temple to chant with her master three times a day.

Emperor Hsien Feng advised me not to "look at other people through the eye of a sewing needle." But my instinct told me not to take Nuharoo's hidden jealousy lightly. Yuan Ming Yuan was by no means a safe place. On the surface, Nuharoo and I were friends. She was involved in the preparations for the baby's arrival. She had visited the Imperial clothing shop to inspect the infant's outfits. She had also visited the Imperial storehouses to make sure that fruits and nuts were available and fresh. Last she checked on the fish farm. Since fish was said to promote the flow of breast milk, Nuharoo made sure that there was plenty of fish to feed the wet nurses.

The selection of wet nurses became Nuharoo's focus. She inspected an army of pregnant women whose babies were due at the same time mine was. Then she traveled all the way by carriage to Yuan Ming Yuan to talk to me about the matter.

"I have checked the history of their health three generations back," she said.

The more excited Nuharoo got, the deeper my fear grew. I wished that she had her own child. Everyone in the Forbidden City except the Emperor understood the pressure Nuharoo was under after several years of marriage and no sign of fertility. That such pressure could lead to strange behavior was common in childless women. An obsession with yoo-hoo-loos yoo-hoo-loos was one manifestation; jumping into wells was another. With Nuharoo, I still couldn't tell what her true intention was. was one manifestation; jumping into wells was another. With Nuharoo, I still couldn't tell what her true intention was.

The moment after Doctor Sun Pao-tien examined me and p.r.o.nounced that I would carry the baby to full term, His Majesty summoned his astrologer. The two of them went to the Temple of Heaven, where Hsien Feng prayed that the child would be a son. Afterward he went to Nuharoo to congratulate her.