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I turned the faucet off and wiped my hands dry using the hand towel, and then I peeked at our room. I've been glancing upstairs for quite a while, already looking like a fool. It's late in the morning but he hasn't gone down yet. He'll surely be late for work, so I took off my ap.r.o.n and went upstairs.

I know that he has meeting on Tuesdays. He leaves the house earlier than usual during these days. He doesn't want coming to the office late, especially it's my Dad he's having a meeting with. Ugh, he couldn't have forgotten it's Tuesday today! Or did he? I have already cooked, washed the dishes, and whatnot, but he still hasn't gotten up.

When I opened the door of our bedroom, I saw him laying down on the bed, one arm wrapped around the long pillow. Oh, good lord! Is he really still asleep at this hour? I went near him and stood beside the bed.

I'm surprised to see him playing with his wedding ring; he's twirling that above the pillow using his fingers. My eyebrow instantly raised. Look at him! He's been awake and he hasn't thought of getting out of the bed.

“Are you going to the office? You're late for your meeting.” I said, but he didn't even say a word. He seemed to have heard nothing either. Is he acting deaf? He doesn't look at me and his eyes are just locked on the ring.

I kept staring at him for longer, waiting for a response, but no, there's just not a thing from him. He deemed lost to his thoughts. I tried not to mind and walked towards the bedroom door. “Breakfast is served. You can already eat if you want to.” I said before getting out of the room.

I took one magazine from the rack and slumped onto the sofa. I leaned my back on one side and stretched out my legs. After what happened last night, he's acting weird. He's lost and he doesn't even talk.

When I went back to our bedroom, I saw him still laying down on the bed while embracing the pillow on his arms. I feel sorry for him for being up all night long. I knew he had trouble sleeping last night as he moved onto different positions, trying to get himself to sleep. I even lost count of how many times he went back and forth the room.

He also went to the C.R several times. There's one time when he stayed for long inside. I was about to knock as I already felt disturbed that something bad might have happened to him. He doesn't talk, so I thought he might have done something to himself. But when I was about to get up, he already went out, and so I just put myself back to sleep.

Allen wasn't able to get some sleep. Even early this morning before I got up to cook breakfast, I felt him move – so it's either he's already awake or he hasn't slept yet. He even has dark circles under his eyes.

I can't blame him, though, as we've gone way too emotional last night. I still think there's nothing wrong with the decision I made. Sometimes in life, there will come a time when you'd just stop fighting anymore and just choose to let things go. A person could think that he is so much brave, striving to overcome any battle life knocks him down. However, as the roughest road stew over, there's nothing left to do but give up. I think that's the point in life where I am right now - I'm giving up.

During those times that he wasn't beside me, every single day was a struggle. I wake up expecting him to be back home; and until I was about to go to bed, there's still no Allen that came. Every d.a.m.n night, I hardly slept, already losing hope in us. Until last night came.

“Let's have breakfast.”

I didn't notice he is already standing in front of me. I didn't let him discern it, though, but I was shocked.

“You go ahead. I'm not hungry.”

Well, I was not in the mood to eat; I've been gagging since this morning. Maybe I already lack some good rest from overthinking. He didn't make any contest and just left to the kitchen while I put my attention back to reading the magazine.

After quite some time, he went back. He was frowning as he held the tray of some food. He laid that down the center table and moved my legs which were resting carefree on the sofa, so that he could sit beside me.

“You don't have to do that. You still have to prepare. You're already late.” I said without turning my head to look at him.

“I won't leave for work with you like this.”

I looked at him straight, only to see his very serious face – his eyes were full of anguish.

“Now, Vannie… I want you to eat.”

He put some food on the spoon and placed that in front of my mouth.

I looked at him and told him, “I'm full, Allen.”

“You don't have to finish it all, Van. Just eat a few spoonful.” He insisted.

I rolled my eyes on him. I didn't mean to! I just felt annoyed as he urged me to eat. It beats me, but I'm easily irked these days. He wasn't moved, though. Instead, he placed the spoon with food back to the plate and got me the mushroom soup.

I felt p.i.s.sed off and raised my voice at him, “Tsk, I said I'm not hungry!” I even slightly hurled the spoon in front of my mouth, and the soup spilled over.

“G.o.dD*MN IT, VANESSA!”

I straightened up on the sofa after he tossed the tray off, leaving all food spilled over on the floor. Even the new gla.s.s that I just bought got broken, with all its pieces shattered. Suddenly, he pulled me on both shoulders - t'was so painful! His eyes were again raging in anger.

“WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT, HUH?! I'M GETTING REALLY FED UP! THIS IS ALREADY HURTING ME TOO MUCH! I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE WITH YOU! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO HARD?!”

My eyes brimmed a slow burn, “Did you yell at me? YOU JUST YELLED AT ME AGAIN!”

His nails penetrated my skin as he couldn't contain his anger and blew off, “YOU PROVOKE ME! F*CK! CAN'T YOU SEE? I'M DOING EVERYTHING TO PLEASE YOU! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT, HUH?! WHAT MORE?!”

My heart missed a beat to his loud and raging voice, so I covered my face with my hands and began crying my heart out, “I… I'M STARTING TO HATE YOU, ALLEN!” I started taking off my chest this hard feelings.

Suddenly, he loosened his grip on my shoulders. It took a while before he could speak, “No, that's not true. You're lying, right?” He a.s.serted.

“No, I'm not!” Then I wept even harder.

I wanted to look at him, but I'm scared. I don't want to see his face. I know how he could've felt to what I just said. He might slap me and I swear that will hurt me more! I wanna leave, run away, or go anywhere far from him! But I can't… I'm feeling weak at the knees.

I bit my lower lip, trying to stop my sobs, but it didn't help.

“L-let's just break up.” I stressed in between my sobs.

I was stunned by his next actions. I was expecting him to shout at me, or push me away, or grip my hair, but no, he pulled me closer to him and embraced me tight – very tight. I pushed him away because it's as if my bones would break to his tight hold of me, but he won't let me go! He even buried his face onto my neck which made more stream of tears fall.

I tried to push him once again, “Allen, I-I can't breathe. Let go.”

He was shaking his head on my neck and he held me tighter in his arms, like he didn't have any care in the world if I strangle.

I lifted my head to breathe some air. Then, crying, I haltingly told him, “allen, we're not w-working… I'm begging you, let's just give each other some time and s.p.a.ce. I…I don't want us to end up hurting each other.”

He didn't answer. His face remained buried onto my neck; his head was shaking, maybe in refusal to what I just said.

“P-please, Allen?”

I felt frustrated that he didn't even say a word. I'm not used to him being like this, not fighting back at me and just being silent. He just had his arms wrapped around me, as if anytime he might lose me. I can also feel him panting, like he can't breathe as we were skin-tight. I could hear his heart throbbing fast and hard, as if he's a bundle of nerves!

I couldn't do anything but weep. This situation we're going through is way, way too difficult. We're both hurt. I don't want a day to come when both of us would lose everything, including ourselves, as we've been so caught up in this relations.h.i.+p.

All of a sudden, he stroked my back. I think he was calming me down as I've been crying so hard.

“I'm so sorry, Van.” He whispered against my neck. “D-don't hate me. Can you take back what you said…

I don't want to hear those words from you. It breaks my heart!”

I was left speechless; I didn't know what to say. I couldn't do anything but weep, even if I'm sick and tired of crying.

He held the back of my head and gently put it to rest on his shoulder. I was able to smell his manly scent brought about by his favorite shower gel, and then I calmed down, especially when he continued stroking my back.

We stayed like this, in each other's arms, for G.o.d knows how long. He just won't let me go from our embrace. He also won't remove his head on my neck - it felt like my perfume has gone out to his wheezing. He won't stop stroking my back and calming me down, too. He just kept on saying, ‘stop crying now.‘

And I don't know how it happened, but my aches and pains seemed washed away. I felt relieved and calmed down, just resting my head onto his shoulder.

There's love in his arms - and that sc.r.a.ped off all the hard knocks this relations.h.i.+p has thrown unto me. I suddenly remembered how much I love this man, everything that I endured to get us to how we were before, everything that he did for me, and how much love I have for this man. I know to myself that I can't live without this man. My husband is my blood, my life. Without him, I'm incomplete.

I hugged him back, “I…I'm sorry, Allen.” I surrendered. “Forget everything that I said. I wasn't thinking clearly. Sorry. M-maybe, loneliness consumed me when you were far away, that's why I'm like this. I didn't–”

I wasn't able to continue on what I was saying because he released himself from our embrace and he cupped my face and stared deep into my eyes, “It's okay.” He said, and then kissed me.

Then I felt rea.s.sured deep inside. We don't need words; one kiss is enough.

Right now, we know exactly what we feel. We can't bear to lose each other and we can't live without one another. Why do we let ourselves go through so much pain and feel wretched? I love him so much and even if he doesn't say it, nor does he show it, I know he feels the same way; though it may not be as deep as mine. Just like what he always says, he's doing everything he can to keep our relations.h.i.+p breathing, and I think that's not just caring – that's love.

I won't give up on him. I will fight. I will fight for us until I can't fight no more. That's what I need to do.

He deepened his kiss, and then I squinted my eyes. I wanted to close them totally as I wanted to savor the warmth of his affection, but I chose to peep at him because I wanted to see the reaction of his face as he kissed me – his eyes were shut tight and his eyebrows scowled; he looked so fragile, very delicate, and I'm not sure if I like him this way.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, then I deepened our kiss. I think that's the sign he's been waiting for. His lips started moving - licking and biting my lower lip - until I slowly opened my mouth, giving him a room to play his tongue inside.

I gripped a fistful of his hair as he trailed kisses to my ears. He licked my earlobe, and then I started to feel aroused. G.o.d, how I missed this! To feel this kind of warmth again - this warmth which only him can manifest. His hand moved down to the curve of my waist and gave it a squeeze. I like it when he does that, and so I pulled him closer to me.

He then moved his kisses down to my neck. I looked up; then I could feel his warm and heavy breathing. His teeth nibbled my neck; he left loves bites and his soft lips sucked my bare skin – this s.h.i.+t is killing me!

“allen…” I groaned while leading his head down.

I want to feel him more – as in more! And I know he couldn't resist me. He hasn't refused this kind of thing ever; he's always the one who initiates. And hearing me moan? I know he can no longer stop himself. He likes it when I let out screams, wild noises of pleasure. He always says that when we make love. He says no other moans can turn him on except mine.

I wasn't mistaken. Just after a little while, he laid me down the sofa and put himself on top of me. I was a bit surprised. I thought he was bringing me upstairs to our bedroom, but no, we're on the sofa! Oh well, this isn't new, though. Before, we ended up in the bathroom, or sometimes on the sink, or in the kitchen.

He pulled down my white t-s.h.i.+rt, showing off my bare shoulder. He stroke blazing, fierce kisses on that part. I bit my lower lip as I moaned his name louder. I then felt his right hand unb.u.t.toning my shorts. He succeeded in opening them, and the next thing I felt? His fingers inside my lacy panties.

I was about to come to what he was doing, but then something vibrated in his cotton pants, and just after a while, his cellphone rang. At first, I just ignored it as Allen paid no heed about it, too; he was indulged into my body. However, the phone doesn't stop ringing, making me lose my concentration.

“allen.” I gently fended him off. “Sshhh, S-stop. Someone's calling you.” I said, but he still doesn't stop on what he's doing.

He gave me kisses on the lips just so I couldn't speak anymore. I really wanted to continue what we've started, but I really felt disturbed. The cellphone won't stop ringing and vibrating. I really can't concentrate! I moved my head and gasped for breath, “W-wait, answer it first. It might be important.”

I know he was left unsatisfied after he tsk-ed. But what can I do? The person calling him was very persistent. Sh*t, I remember he has to go to work today and he hasn't notified them he's still here. He even has a scheduled meeting.

He gave me a look and got his cellphone from his pocket. He answered the call without getting up from top of me – and that's something unusual. Before, he usually goes out or somewhere a bit far from me when he's getting some calls.

“h.e.l.lo? Yes, Sir?” He greeted the person on the other line.

I got my senses to look at his face. Sir? Dad?

Then, I turned my eyes to a different direction. He's dead; Dad's already looking for him. I didn't listen to their whole conversation as I can clearly see it on Allen's face and expression that it's not a good thing - he was frowning the whole time and he can't look at me in the eyes.

After a while, the call ended. He put down the cellphone on top of the center table, then he took a deep breath.

“Was it Dad?” I asked, confirming.

He nodded, and then stroked me on the cheeks. “I'm sorry. I have to leave for work. They badly need me in the meeting. They postponed it to 10AM today so that I could join.” He said with a bitter tone and expression.

My lips drew a smile. “Hey, it's fine. We could… We could do this some other time.” I said, which gave him a quiver. He didn't change; he's still as yearning as always. He then gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

“Go ahead.” I pushed him. “Go fix yourself. I will prepare your breakfast.”

“No. You will take a shower with me, instead.” He suddenly stood up and pulled me. He didn't even let me think about it and answer; he's always been bossy. Maybe that's one thing that couldn't be changed – what he wants, he always gets.

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