CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE.

Melanie dug a hand into a pocket of her corduroy pants. The hand came out with two pills in its palm. 'I knew they weren't aspirin,' she said, her voice flat. She stared at Pen with blank eyes. 'You gave me sleeping pills. So you could have the night with Bodie. So you could seduce him.'

'Oh, man,' Bodie muttered.

'That's not the reason,' Pen said. 'I was afraid you'd sneak out and go after Harrison.'

's.l.u.t,' Melanie said calmly.

'Mel!' Bodie snapped.

Her head turned slowly toward him. 'What?' she asked.

'Don't talk that way. She's on your side. We both are.'

'You want me out of the way.'

'Don't be crazy.'

A placid, humorless smile curled Melanie's lips.

My G.o.d, Pen thought, what have we done to her?

Bodie turned to Pen. 'We'd better leave,' he said. 'I don't think we should wait for morning. I'll take her back now.'

'Yeah.'

'We can't leave,' Melanie said. 'You haven't f.u.c.ked her yet. You have to f.u.c.k her. Everyone has to f.u.c.k her.' The mild way she said it, smiling, made goose-b.u.mps crawl up Pen's back.

Bodie stood up. He stepped around the coffee table, pa.s.sed in front of Melanie, and picked up the two suitcases he had left near the wall after bringing them up from the van. Melanie, standing motionless, followed him with an empty gaze.

Pen got to her feet. She removed the chair from under the k.n.o.b and opened the door.

Bodie looked at her with such agony that she wanted to throw her arms around him. 'It'll be all right,' he said.

'I don't think so.'

'She'll get over this once we're away.'

Will she? Pen thought. I won't, and neither will you.

'Come on, Melanie,' he said gently.

She walked toward him, her dead eyes staying on Pen. 'First came love,' she chanted in a low voice, 'then came marriage, then came Penny with a baby carriage.'

'Bye,' Bodie said.

She nodded.

Then they were out the door. Stepping onto the balcony, Pen watched her sister follow Bodie to the stairs and down. When they were out of sight, she heard the courtyard gate squeak open and shut. She folded her arms over her b.r.e.a.s.t.s for warmth against the night chill. She pressed her bare legs together. She clamped her teeth shut so they wouldn't click.

Then came the faint sound of Bodie's van starting up.

That's it, she thought. They're going.

'Hey babe, I'll warm you up,' Manny called out his door.

She didn't feel annoyed or threatened. She felt nothing about him. He didn't matter.

Stepping inside her apartment, she closed the door. She slipped the guard chain into place and looked at the chair she had used earlier to brace the door shut.

Why bother?

She wasn't afraid. She thought vaguely that she should be pleased she was no longer afraid, but she just didn't care.

She plugged her kitchen telephone back into the wall.

Let the b.a.s.t.a.r.d call, she thought. He can't hurt me. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but wordsa Pen and Bodie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Words can never hurt me.

How could everything have gone so wrong?

They're gone. I'll never see Bodie again. Melanie hates my guts. She thinks Ia she's right.

Bodie. Oh, G.o.d, Bodie.

She wandered into her bedroom and turned on the light. She wanted to lie down, to sleep, to forget.

Not even nine o'clock .

Nine. They'd missed visiting hours at the hospital.

She had hardly even given her father a thought, today.

I'll go see him tomorrow, she promised herself.

In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She returned to her bedroom. She took off her clothes, her panties last.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she held the panties in her hands.

n.o.body took them. All in my head.

We have nothing to fear but ourselves.

She dropped them to the floor, turned off the lamp, and crawled between the sheets of her bed. The sheets were cool at first on her naked body, then warm.

She thought about Bodie driving through the night, Melanie silent in the pa.s.senger seat. Was he trying to apologize? Would Melanie listen? Or was she too far gone, lost in a private world of pain?

Don't feel too sorry for her, Pen thought. Bodie and I, we've got our own world of pain, and all because we didn't want to hurt her.

But we did.

We hurt her good. Ourselves, too.

G.o.dd.a.m.n it.

Why didn't she take the pills!

Maybe it's best this way. If she'd stayed asleep, Bodie and Ia we would've ended up making love.

Probably.

No probably.

Don't think about it. Just don't think.

She drew the extra pillow down and hugged it tightly to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

She remembered the feel of kissing him.

The needle on Bodie's gas gauge showed that he was down to a quarter of a tank. He was driving south on Robertson Boulevard. If he remembered correctly, he was only a couple of miles from the on-ramp to the Santa Monica Freeway. Once on the freeway, stopping for gas would be a lot of trouble.

As he waited at a traffic light, he saw a self-service station on the other side of the intersection.

The light turned green. He rolled through the intersection and swung into the station. He stopped beside the pumps. He took his key from the ignition. Twisting around, he peered into the dark rear of the van and said, 'I'll be back in a minute.'

Melanie didn't answer.

What if she's not back there?

She has to be. Bodie knew he would've heard the rear doors open if she had tried to sneak out.

But he wondered.

Turning on the light, he saw Melanie stretched out flat on the sleeping bag, her hands folded on her belly. 'Are you all right?' he asked.

She said nothing. She didn't move.

'Don't worry about it,' he said. 'Okay? Nothing happened between me and Pen. There's no point brooding over it.'

She didn't respond.

Bodie climbed from the van. He put the keys in his pants pocket and took out his wallet as he walked toward the office cubicle. Along the way, he glanced back a few times.

He didn't really expect Melanie to bolt, but she'd been full of surprises lately.

He slipped his credit card into the trough beneath the gla.s.s part.i.tion. The swarthy, grinning man on the other side picked it up. Bodie told him the number of the pump he planned to use, then headed for the van.

Even though he'd tried to keep an eye on it, he cautioned himself to make sure, before driving off, that Melanie was still inside.

She's not going anywhere, he thought. She's in shock or something.

He pushed the pump nozzle into his tank and held the lever down.

She'll probably be fine tomorrow. Just p.i.s.sed as h.e.l.l and full of accusations. She'll probably dump me, and save me the trouble.

When the flow clicked off, Bodie shoved the nozzle into place on the side of the pump. He screwed his gas cap on tightly and started for the office.

It's less than a month till the end of the semester. One way or another, we'll be finished by then and I'll come back to Pen.

Bodie scooped up his credit card and signed the slip. He tore off the customer receipt and dropped the rest into the trough. The man thanked him.

He headed back for the van.

He climbed in, turned on the light and checked the rear. Melanie was still lying there. She looked as if she hadn't moved a muscle the whole time he was filling the tank.

He turned off the overhead lights, dug out his keys, and started the engine.

Maybe I'll luck out, he thought, and she'll stay this way the whole trip.

He drove onto a sidestreet, stopped at the corner, then made a right onto Robertson. On the track again, he wondered whether to make a right or a left when he reached the freeway.

Just wait for the signs.

Whichever way goes east - you know you don't want to end up at the ocean.

Maybe by summer there will be a vacancy in Pen's apartment building.

He stopped for a traffic light.

The real question is, can I wait for the semester to end? I have to. Gotta finish the MA.

He heard a quiet sound of movement behind him.

At least Melanie's not paralyzed.

I could always drive over on weekends. Once I've settled the situation with Melana Pain blasted through Bodie's head.

Pen jerked awake, gasping and shaking, her heart thundering.