"I'm ready," Strange said. "For everything but licking you."
She had already turned flat on her back, and now she made a practiced little sideways motion that seemed to slide her right under him, legs apart, like a card in a deck. Like the burn card going onto the bottom of a poker deck.
Later on, later in the evening, he saw her going off with Landers. He wondered if Landers would make her come by licking her pussy for her. Maybe Landers might, he was an educated college boy. Well, every man to his own taste.
Like many another boy, Strange had stared heatedly and hungrily at all the photographs and drawings of wide-open vaginas that were available just about everywhere across America in his youth. He had sat and watched the stag films that always, somehow or other, found their way to all the NCO clubs across the country. But all the photos of wide-open pussies had never destroyed the ultimate mystery of woman for him. Nothing had ever destroyed the mystery of women for him. Not even marriage had. Maybe that was the trouble. Sometimes he wished something had.
But grown men did not get down and lick women's cunts. That was just as much a perversion as being a fag. It was sick in the head. The truth was he had never even seen Linda Sue's pussy wide-open. Or closed for that matter. He'd seen her naked. But my God, what would Linda Sue say, if he asked her to let him see her pussy wide-open? Or asked her to let him lick it? He couldn't imagine it.
The trouble with women was when you had had them you still hadn't had them. He had had four, and hadn't had any. He was right back where he started before he came up here, only now he was lonelier than he was before.
While Landers was off with Frances Highsmith, he told somebody to tell Landers he would be back, and went off down to the setups bar off the lobby before they closed it at midnight, and sat by himself in a corner with a bottle.
The place was jammed with servicemen drinking. And of course with women. But no matter how many women there were, anywhere, they were always more servicemen, lonely, looking. The bar had them all the way from bald grizzled old Navy chief petty officers in whites with hash marks all the way up to their shoulders, to boys in the ill-fitting unworn uniforms of the newly drafted. Strange felt more at home here with them.
Once, upstairs-it was while he was lying on the way-station bed in the sitting room waiting with his fourth friend of the day-he had looked around at everybody standing and drinking and shouting and singing; and suddenly the mud-weary, eye-baggy, scared platoons of the company appeared before him in ghostly form, slogging away at the swampy jungle of New Georgia. And briefly, crazily, Strange wished he was back with them.
You had to be crazy to wish you were back in a place like that.
But as he sat in the downstairs bar and drank more and more in the midst of the uproar, that was where he wished he was. With a kind of horrified, aghast longing, he pictured their faces one by one, all of them more sharp, more detailed, more clear, than any of the faces he had seen since. Or before.
When they locked down the bar at twelve, he took his bottle and went back upstairs to collect Landers and go back out to the hospital.
He didn't collect him, of course. Landers was still making out, or flirting, with one woman after another. As the night wore on and people dwindled away, finally there was left only a tight hard-core little group of drunken male singers, with whom he and Landers sang drunkenly for a while, all the old songs. Nobody in the hotel ever complained about noise, to anyone's knowledge. At five-thirty with dawn coming up across the plains in the east they left to go back and sleep just enough to sober up before morning rounds. In the taxi Landers gabbled and gabbled about all the women he had fucked.
Two days later, from Curran, Strange had the deposition of his surgical status. The upshot of it was that Curran simply did not know what to do. It was possibly the best news Strange could have been given, if he had selected his own.
Curran switched on the little light screen and put the X-rays up for him to see.
"See where those knots are? All ligaments and tendons in there. Very ticklish. I don't honestly know if I can do it for you. So I'm not recommending the operation. You will have to decide if you want it done."
"And if I don't?"
Curran shrugged. A strange quiet smile came over his face. "Then I'll recommend you for a disability discharge. That won't set too well with Maj Hogan and Col Baker. But they can't overrule me."
"And if I do want it?"
Curran shrugged again. "I won't promise. If it works, you'll be fit for limited duty, or even full duty. If you're lucky. So I guess it all depends on whether you want to stay in the service. You're a thirty-year man, aren't you? If it doesn't work, you won't be any worse off than you are. You'll have about the same partial use of the hand. But the two middle knuckles will be partly frozen in a slightly different way than they are now. It's up to you to decide."
"Are you trying to give me some kind of an out if I want out of the service?" Strange said.
"No. Not at all. I'm presenting you with the proper medical prognosis. I know the Army wants men, all the men it can save, and preferably trained men. You're a trained man. But I can't let that override a proper medical decision."
"Can I have a few days to think it over?"
"Sure. All the time you want. It's your hand. And it's your life."
Suddenly, he held his surgeon's hands up between his face and Strange's, and flexed them. "I know a lot about hands."
"You've been pretty square with me, Colonel," Strange said. "And I want to thank you for it."
"I'm a doctor," Curran said. "I was a doctor before I was a colonel in the Army."
"Which is more than you can say for some," Strange said. "I'll get back to you soon, sir."
Somehow he felt like saluting. It wasn't much of a salute, with the plaster plate still on his hand. Then he went to find Winch and see if Winch would fix it up with his pal Jack Alexander to arrange another consecutive double three-day pass to go up to Cincinnati and talk it over with Linda.
When he saw Winch, he thought Winch looked better than he had seen him look in quite a long time. Way back, in fact. Since before they left Wahoo for the Canal. More relaxed, less acid, less hard-faced.
The little girl was apparently quite good for him.
CHAPTER 16.
JOHNNY STRANGER'S REQUEST for passes was no trouble for Winch. Some time back, Jack Alexander had given him a big stack of blank pass forms, already signed, so that all he had to do was fill in the name, and the dates.
"These are for you. And any of your people you think deserve them," Alexander had rasped in his scarred voice, the day after the medals presentation. "Use them any way you want."
Winch scribbled out two of them for Strange, over Col Stevens' neat signature. Both men knew it was impossible for Strange to get up to Cincinnati and back on any ordinary three-day pass. Strange had told Winch about the operation. But as the stocky mess/sgt walked away down the ward something about the set of his shoulders said that everything was not as straightforward as Strange had made it sound.
Winch would not have agreed with Strange that Mart Winch was looking happier than he had looked since the Division left Oahu. But Winch was certainly feeling better than he had felt since Doc Harris shipped him out of New Georgia.
There was no doubt in Winch's mind that this was due to the appearance of Carol in his life. He could hardly believe his own luck. An old man like him.
Before he'd picked her up (or been picked up by her, he could never be sure which) he had been suffering one of the lowest points of his life. Even the long nights on the line in Guadalcanal and New Georgia had not been as bad as this hospital half-life at Kilrainey General.
And then, they had received yet another casualty into Kilrainey from the old company, and this had nearly done him in.
The medical stuff was bad enough. The heart failure attack had left him with what the docs called a left bundle branch block. They had had hopes the block would disappear with treatment. But more and more the docs at Kilrainey had come to think it was going to stay, a permanent impairment.
Weakness, shortness of breath, the inability to run, or carry weight, or do any but the lightest exercise. In the past month he had lost the initial feeling of total fragility he had had in the beginning. But Winch had always been a strong man physically, and depended on that as one source of his authority. Without it he felt helpless.
His need for diuretics was part of the same thing. The weakened heart muscle could not pump the blood through strongly. This caused a back pressure to build up behind the heart, between the heart and kidneys. The back pressure aided the heart, but caused the kidneys to function at less than full efficiency. The edema came from that, and tied Winch as tightly and securely to the hospital as if he had been tied to it with a rope. He was getting one big intramuscular injection of mercurial diuretic a day. Even if later they could lower the dosage, they could never eliminate it altogether. If he had not had a lot of pull, they would have discharged him. Then he would find himself among the living dead in some Veterans' Hospital, tied to it as he was now tied to Kilrainey, for his daily shot. A great future to look forward to.
And into all of this there was suddenly dropped onto him the new casualty. It was like some giant's hand steam iron falling from the sky, flattening Winch.
There was no reason for them not to expect newer casualties from the company. Men wounded after Winch left but before the campaign ended had continued to drift home. Even though the fighting in New Georgia had ended a month before. But Staff/Sgt Billy Stonewall Dodson Spencer was a special case.
Partly Billy was special because of the bad way he'd been wounded. Partly he was special because of what he told them about the company.
But partly Billy was special simply by the very fact he was a staff/sgt. That alone said a great deal about the state of the company. When Winch had left the company, Billy Spencer had just been promoted corporal. Winch, who had had a lot to do with his promotion, had assured himself that was as high as Billy could ever rise. Now here Billy was, not only a staff/sgt and former squad leader. He had been promoted platoon guide of the second platoon shortly before getting hit.
What Billy told them about the company bore out the amazing fact of his promotion. Letters from the company had been getting scarcer and scarcer since the end of the New Georgia campaign, and recently there had been none. Billy was the first uncensored news any of them had had since Winch himself came out. All of them hung on every word he had to say. Winch hung on each one, too. Though he hid this from the others.
The upshot of it was, there wasn't any old company any more. Only about fifty of the original hundred and eighty remained, most of them pfcs and privates. A few were higher-ranking noncoms. Winch's old tech/sgt, Zwermann, had not been chosen for the job of 1st/sgt and a new man had been shipped in over him from outside. The others, the rest, were replacements. Just green dumbass cannon-fodder draftees. Some of these, the better ones, were now running squads. All the officers had been changed. The old-timers, when they weren't fighting, were drunk all the time. Old Zwermann when he was passed over had tried to turn in his stripes and been refused. Then he had tried to get himself shipped out sick, and been refused that too. Everything was being clamped down everywhere. The only way to get out now was to get yourself shot up. Or be so sick you literally were dying. Even shot up, you had to be shot up pretty good. Minor wounds didn't count any more, you could forget it. Many of the draftees were joining the drunks. And the drunks, when they couldn't get real booze, were stealing five-gallon cans of peaches and pineapple by the dozen from the ration dumps, sometimes at pistol point, and making illegal swipe and jungle juice out of them in the jungle clearings. There simply wasn't any company esprit or morale any more. The rumor was that they were going in on Bougainville as soon as the Marines had secured a beachhead. Perhaps they were even going in with the Marines. Almost none of the original noncoms, who had held it all together, were left now. That was why Billy had been promoted. Some squad leader had been killed. Later the second platoon guide was killed. Billy had tried to refuse both promotions, but had not been allowed.
In the old days Billy had been a typical happy-go-lucky middle-class boy from Alabama. Now as he lay in his bed and talked with the rest of them clustered around it, it was easy to see his responsibilities as a noncom had completely changed his personality.
He had been wounded on a patrol. Taking the point himself, which as platoon guide he did not have to do, he stepped on a Jap land mine which had blown off his one foot halfway up the shin, shattered his other leg, and sprinkled his body with tiny pieces of casing. Its blast had also blinded him in both eyes.
"Is that you, Top?" he whispered in a new, hoarse voice, putting out one hand. When he found Winch's hand, he put his other hand over it and held on to it in both of his. "Is that really you, Top? I heard on the West Coast you might be here in Luxor, Top. But I never thought I'd get to see you."
Some of the men still went down to the hospital compound for each unloading when they knew the trucks were bringing in cases from a West Coast train and one of them had spotted Billy on his stretcher and spread the word. When they gathered around his bunk, Winch had been the last to arrive.
Winch let him keep the hand. Until Billy saw fit to let go of it himself. Then Winch drifted to the back of the crowd and stood while Billy talked about the company until the nurse came and shooed them all away.
Inwardly Winch was cursing savagely. All of them. The dumb fuckers. The dumb kid should never have made him into some kind of father. He had never wanted to be a father substitute to fucking dumb kids.
In the next days Billy sent for Winch a number of times to come and sit with him. Winch always went. Although all Billy wanted to do was talk about the old company. Which talk Winch hated, of course. As Billy'd said, there wasn't any more old company. But Billy wanted to talk about the good old days back on Guadalcanal, when there had been one, and which days Billy had survived intact. "We had us some great times there, up on the line. Didn't we, Top?" He had somehow got it fixed in his head that Guadalcanal was some kind of a golden-age happy time, compared to New Georgia. He wanted Winch to promise he would meet his father and mother when they finally could come up from Alabama to see him. Each time Winch promised that he would.
After six visits with Billy, seemingly on a whim almost, Winch took a couple of his own blank pass forms and locked the rest up with the nurse on the ward in a sealed envelope, and went up to St. Louis. St. Louis was where his wife and two brats were.
He had to get away somewhere. And when he thought about it, he thought Why not St. Louis? He didn't even have to see them, if he didn't want to.
It was more of a mood projection than the contemplation of an actual journey. Just to be going somewhere, anywhere. To be unknown. To be on the move. To be simply a watcher. With no loyalties and no commitments. He decided to wear one of his shirts that didn't have stripes. Go incognito. The mood was one of floating. Of being bodiless. Unattached to anything, or anybody. Unconcerned. It would be great.
Two hours after the idea hit him he was on his way. He had to check it out with his doc, requisition a hypodermic and the medication to use in it, take a ten-minute course in how to stick himself in the back of the arm or in the side of the ass, pack a satchel with his medical gear and an extra uniform. It was late afternoon when he was first penetrated by the idea and he arrived at the Luxor Greyhound station just at dusk, as the night trips were beginning.
It was not dark enough yet to turn on night lights, but was dark enough to make the eyes scratchy. Things looked indistinct in the thinner outdoor and thicker indoor glooms. People were beginning to move around restlessly, or eat sandwiches they did not really want, in the restiveness that comes with the basic change of light from day to night.
It all fit in perfectly with his mood of bodiless disinvolvement. He had no idea what he would do in St. Louis. And didn't care. And in fact, might just as well have been going to Chicago or Detroit. Anyplace where he was not known.
On the sleeping, breathing, crowded bus he did not sleep. There was a full moon out but he did not look at the night scenery. Only once on the 300-mile trip, at Cape Girardeau, did he rouse himself to look out over the big river. He was supremely content simply to be and to sit, and feel the motor vibrations and road tire-thumps under his thighs.
For the length of time the trip lasted there was nothing in the world Winch wanted.
The feeling was so similar to what he had felt in Frisco during the worst part of his heart failure attack, when he had felt another him outside himself, that it set him to brooding over this sense of another self outside. What was it? He didn't know. Was there really another him outside somewhere waiting to be rejoined to this part? He didn't know. Had it been a real sensation, or only his delirious imagination? He didn't know that. There were in fact no questions Winch could ask himself and give satisfactory answers for. He was left with only the haunting memory of the sensation. Under his feet and thighs the big tires thudded and scrambled against the roadway.
Billy Spencer had brought back the reality of the boggling, gasping, mud-swallowing platoons in a way that gave the mind a start. Somewhere there was a mistake, because Winch should have been right up there with them, right now. He was too sophisticated to think he could change what was happening to them. But he could have cushioned it and molded it so that some semblance of the old personality remained. Instead, he was here. And they were floundering. He felt a total failure.
Billy's talking had brought back the violent brutality and gushing insanity of combat in a shocking fashion. It made Winch aware of how strikingly it all had faded. He had never believed that it could fade, all that brutalizing. He had never wanted to be a father substitute for kids like Billy. Where did your responsibility end? Nowhere, apparently. Never. It never ended.
What kind of a thought was that to have to live with?
Beside him in the next seat a young soldier slept like a baby, cradling a Seagram's whiskey bottle.
In St. Louis Winch took a room in one of the hotels in the sleazy section down by the river. He had never served at Jefferson Barracks, but once he had stopped off there to see an old buddy and he knew the area. Whores and pimps and hustlers and muggers walked the crowded streets and hung out in all the low bars. Just as they'd always done. Naturally, soldiers were everywhere.
Once installed, he went straight to bed and slept for sixteen hours, all through the next day till eight o'clock at night. When he woke, he shaved and dressed and went out and bought himself a bottle of dry California wine and brought it back with him to the room. Feeling very like a man having a clandestine meeting in a cheap hotel, which in a way he was, he poured half a water-tumblerful and held it up to the light, then took the first sharp, tingling sip. Nothing happened. He did not drop dead. Then methodically, sitting at the cheap desk with his feet up on the bed, he drank the entire bottle, all six sharp, saliva-starting glasses of it. Nothing he had eaten or drunk in a long time tasted as sharp and appetizing and delicious.
When it was finished, he went out to eat. He had had no alcohol in so long the wine made him about half drunk for ten or fifteen minutes. It felt marvelous. He did not even mind having to ask the waitress for food cooked without salt. After he had eaten, he walked out into the street and did what he had known he was going to do all along. He flagged a cab and gave the driver his wife's address out in the western part of the city.
Winch had never seen the house, or the street. She had moved to St. Louis, after Winch left her for overseas, because her father the old master/sgt had retired there before he died. She had cousins there, she said. It was way out in one of those rambling residential sections of the city. The streets were in square blocks and shaded by big trees. The houses were big and square-shouldered and thick-waisted. They seemed to stand in row after row for miles, like hundreds of old rotund master/sgts in ranks on parade.
There was a tin panel with four apartment doorbell buttons let into the wood beside the door. The big old residence had been converted. Hers was the second floor left. From across the street, under the shade of an old large-leafed soft maple in the soft September night air, Winch set up his vigil and began to wait. After an hour and a half, when he had begun to think she must already be home and in bed, a taxi drove up and Winch watched her get out with a serviceman.
By his cap the man was an officer and a flyer. Wings and some fruit salad were visible above his left pocket. The round white insignia of a lt/col glinted from his shoulders in the street lamp. Both of them looked about three-fourths drunk. Giggling and laughing, they made their way up the short walk to the steps. At the door the man kissed her deeply, before she got out her key and opened the door. In a couple of minutes lights went on in the second floor left, and did not go out. The taxi had driven off.
Under his maple Winch set himself to wait another half hour. The lights did not go off. Nobody came out. He supposed the two brats were asleep in their own room. That was where they used to be. What the hell, they were ten and eleven now. Old enough to take care of themselves when mommy went out for the evening. After the half hour was up and there was no change, he started walking toward where he thought the nearest main thoroughfare ought to be.
It took quite a while. Winch walked slowly, and took his time, and did not get any shortness of breath. He thought he remembered the route the cab had taken but apparently he didn't. Finally he saw brighter lights down a street to his right, walked toward them to a traffic avenue and hailed a cab.
Back in the riverfront section he walked around to a few bars. He did not drink any alcohol. Finally he went back to the hotel and to bed around four.
For the next three days Winch made his small pilgrimage out to his wife's western residential section every night. It was the main anchor of his daily routine. He slept or loafed till late afternoon or the evening, before going out for his single big meal and then flagging a cab. Each day he went out for a bottle of wine and drank it sitting at his cheap hotel room desk, before going out to eat. Each night he arrived at her address by about twelve-thirty. Each of the first two nights she came home with the same Air Force lt/col.
But then on the third night she came home with another man. This one was also an officer. But he was shorter and fatter, pudgy, and wore the gold oak leaves of a major on his shoulders. Giggling and laughing, they walked up to the door the same way. At the door they kissed the same way. Again the lights went on. Again nobody left. As if released from some devil's bargain he had made, Winch turned on his heel and walked over to his traffic artery, caught a cab back to his hotel, packed his satchel, paid, and left. He caught another cab to the Greyhound station. The next bus south to Luxor did not leave for another hour. Winch spent it in a nearby bar, celebrating over a second bottle of wine for the day.
This time he slept most of the way. Only once did he wake with any seriousness, to stare out at the dark of the great brooding river rolling alongside the highway, on his left side now. Staring, he thought about how the company in the midst of its anguish of change was forgetting them. Forgetting him. He could see how it could not be any other way. Consciously he thought it a good thing, and dozed again. Until suddenly something, a dream, woke him up wanting to shout a command, "Get them out! Get them out of there! Fast! Move them left! Can't you see the mortars got them bracketed!"
With the first word already a shout in his throat, he was able to cut it off so that aloud he only grunted. Winch shook his head. It had been something about the attack on Hill 27 that day on the Canal. Only the terrain had looked different and strange. New. Winch shook his head again. But after that he slept, until dawn and the coming of the Southern sunlight woke him. Really awake now, he stared out at the Arkansas flatlands without depression. He did not feel satisfied, and he didn't feel free. But he knew now that the disintegration of his company was final and complete, blown away. Ahead the city loomed over him, high up on its bluff, a presentiment. Any future he had at all was around there somewhere. There was no other way to look at it.
Back at Kilrainey, which he hated, and which looked more and more like a prison as the taxi delivered him through the brick gates to the main door, he found that during his four-day junket Billy Spencer's parents had been and gone. That was all to the good. Billy's mother had thrown a terrible scene, Billy told him.
That same day Winch's doctors gave him another full check-out examination and found that he was in better shape than they had yet seen him. They could give no reasons why. But his EKG readings were better than any they had taken of him. And if things continued like that, and kept on improving, they saw no reason why he could not be returned to duty soon. Winch only grinned bitterly, and did not tell them about the bottles of wine.
Two days later he had his first serious meeting with Carol Firebaugh in the big rec hall. She challenged him to a game of Ping-Pong.
Winch had seen her around there, to say hello to, from time to time. And actually had been introduced to her once, by Landers. But Winch had never spent much time in the rec hall, and had never had a conversation with her.
This time, he had wandered in because he had just been with Billy again and did not want to go back to the heart ward and sit and brood. But after he had taken one turn around the place, he was ready to leave it It was a place that had been created and engineered strictly for stupid men. Some smart guy, a Corps of Engineers officer no doubt, had designed it and laid it all out to be serviceable to what he thought of as stupid men, the enlisted classes.
If you were a fifteen-year-old high school student, it would no doubt have seemed great. Two Ping-Pong tables stood at the near end near the doors, neither in use. The basketball hoops and backboards had been drawn up on their pulleys and tied there parallel to the floor. They would only be let down when the collapsible bleachers were put up for an intramural game. The one-legged men, say, against the one-armed men, Winch thought evilly. Or when the Globetrotters came to play for the crippled. The theater stage was darkened, its red plush curtains drawn closed. It would be opened and the folding chairs put up on the basketball court when Bing Crosby or somebody came to entertain the injured troops.
For now, men sat around uncomfortably on the comfortable sofas, and stared off at the high windows screened on the inside to keep the basketballs from hitting them.
Thinking about cunt, probably. A few bathrobed men played checkers on the low tables. Two pairs of intellectuals engaged in chess games. In a far corner a volunteer worker in her sexless, motherly Gray Lady outfit conducted a listless class in basket weaving. As he was about to go out, Carol came up to him with a Ping-Pong ball and two paddles.
"How about a game with me, Sergeant?"
She was smiling. The sheer beauty of just her youth alone was an insult, like a slap in the face. In addition she was quite beautiful in herself, in a nonmovie star way. But had anybody ever been that young, ever? Winch wondered. Had he? There was a certain coquettishness in her eyes and in her attitude that was very Southern.
Winch had to hold himself tightly, not to respond with a cocky male truculence.
He heard his own voice saying, "Sure. Okay. Why not?"
There were a number of things Winch had done well in his career, as Landers ruefully found out when in a moment of misbegotten intellectual superiority he'd challenged Winch to a game of chess. In addition to football, basketball, springboard diving, track, checkers, and chess there was Ping-Pong. At Forts Bliss and Houston he had been one of the Army's top players in the late nineteen thirties.
He took off his maroon issue bathrobe and duck slippers and played her barefoot in his gray issue pajamas. He was able to play her three games before he had to quit. His heart was pounding unbelievably but the unaccustomed exercise made him feel good. He beat her 21-12, 21-17, 21-18. She was a good player, and obviously had slyly believed she would beat him.
"You're really a fine player," she said, laughing breathlessly. Her pale, black-Irish complexion was flushed and rosy under the raven black hair framing her forehead. "Don't you want to play a few more?"