(One week later, the customer returns) BOOKSELLER: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban? The Prisoner of Azkaban?

CUSTOMER: What's that? What's that?

BOOKSELLER: It's the book after It's the book after The Chamber of Secrets. The Chamber of Secrets.

CUSTOMER: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. I ask you, how on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can't? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I'm not going to bother with the rest. Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. I ask you, how on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can't? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I'm not going to bother with the rest.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Where are your fictional novels? Where are your fictional novels?

CHILD: Mummy, can we buy this book? Mummy, can we buy this book?

MOTHER: Put that down, Benjamin. We've got quite enough books at home! Put that down, Benjamin. We've got quite enough books at home!

Phone rings.

BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo. h.e.l.lo.

CUSTOMER: Hi. I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for a book for my niece. She's six and I've no idea what to buy her. Hi. I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for a book for my niece. She's six and I've no idea what to buy her.

BOOKSELLER: Sure. What kinds of things is she in to? Sure. What kinds of things is she in to?

CUSTOMER: I don't really know. I don't see her very often my sister lives abroad. I don't really know. I don't see her very often my sister lives abroad.

BOOKSELLER: OK, what's her name? OK, what's her name?

CUSTOMER: Sophie. Sophie.

BOOKSELLER: Ah, well, have you considered the d.i.c.k King Smith Ah, well, have you considered the d.i.c.k King Smith Sophie Sophie series? There's even a book called series? There's even a book called Sophie's Six. Sophie's Six.

CUSTOMER: OK, sure, that sounds like a good idea. OK, sure, that sounds like a good idea.

BOOKSELLER: Do you want me to double check that we have those in stock? I'm pretty sure we do. Do you want me to double check that we have those in stock? I'm pretty sure we do.

CUSTOMER: No, it's OK. I'm just going to order them online. No, it's OK. I'm just going to order them online.

BOOKSELLER: But... we just gave you the recommendation. But... we just gave you the recommendation.

CUSTOMER: I know, and I appreciate it. It's a pain that Amazon don't have a physical person I can ask about this sort of thing. Still, I can always rely on you guys for advice. I know, and I appreciate it. It's a pain that Amazon don't have a physical person I can ask about this sort of thing. Still, I can always rely on you guys for advice.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Do you keep the p.o.r.nography in the photography section? Do you keep the p.o.r.nography in the photography section?

CUSTOMER: Did Charles d.i.c.kens ever write anything fun? Did Charles d.i.c.kens ever write anything fun?

(A child is playing with a book on the floor and rips it) CHILD'S MOTHER: Oh, Stephen Oh, Stephen (she tuts in a non-serious way). (she tuts in a non-serious way). Do be careful. Do be careful. (She takes the book off the child and puts it back on the shelf) (She takes the book off the child and puts it back on the shelf) BOOKSELLER: Excuse me? Excuse me?

CHILD'S MOTHER: Yes? Yes?

BOOKSELLER: Your son just ripped the head off the tiger who came to tea. Your son just ripped the head off the tiger who came to tea.

CHILD'S MOTHER: I know. Children, ey? I know. Children, ey?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, but we can't sell that book now. It's damaged. Yes, but we can't sell that book now. It's damaged.

CHILD'S MOTHER: Well I don't know what you expect Well I don't know what you expect me me to do about it. to do about it.

CUSTOMER: I'm looking for a book for my eleven year old daughter. What would you recommend? I'd like something educational, too, not anything nonsensical. I'm looking for a book for my eleven year old daughter. What would you recommend? I'd like something educational, too, not anything nonsensical.

BOOKSELLER: Well, how about something like Well, how about something like When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit? When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit? She'll be doing the second world war at school soon, and this is about Judith Kerr's life. She had to travel across Europe when she was a little girl because her father was a German journalist outspoken against Hitler, and it's about her settling in to schools in France and England, and learning new languages. She'll be doing the second world war at school soon, and this is about Judith Kerr's life. She had to travel across Europe when she was a little girl because her father was a German journalist outspoken against Hitler, and it's about her settling in to schools in France and England, and learning new languages.

CUSTOMER: I don't really want her to learn about all that Hitler n.a.z.i nonsense. It's all so long ago, now, and completely irrelevant. It's tedious. I don't really want her to learn about all that Hitler n.a.z.i nonsense. It's all so long ago, now, and completely irrelevant. It's tedious.

CUSTOMER: Is this book edible? Is this book edible?

BOOKSELLER: ... No. ... No.

CUSTOMER: Do you run story time for children? Do you run story time for children?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. It's on a Tuesday, for toddlers. Yes, we do. It's on a Tuesday, for toddlers.

CUSTOMER: Great, the creche up the road is so expensive, and I've been dying to have a few hours to go shopping, and maybe get my nails done. Great, the creche up the road is so expensive, and I've been dying to have a few hours to go shopping, and maybe get my nails done.

BOOKSELLER: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have to supervise your child at story time. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have to supervise your child at story time.

CUSTOMER: Why? Why?

BOOKSELLER: ... because we're ... because we're not not a creche. a creche.

CUSTOMER (shouting from the doorway) (shouting from the doorway): Do you have any jobs going at the moment? I'd come in and talk properly, but I'm really busy.

CUSTOMER: Doesn't it bother you, being surrounded by books all day? I think I'd be paranoid they were all going to jump off the shelves and kill me. Doesn't it bother you, being surrounded by books all day? I think I'd be paranoid they were all going to jump off the shelves and kill me.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

BOOKSELLER: Can I help at all? Can I help at all?

CUSTOMER: Yes, where's your fiction section? Yes, where's your fiction section?

BOOKSELLER: It starts over on the far wall. Are you looking for anything in particular? It starts over on the far wall. Are you looking for anything in particular?

CUSTOMER: Yes, any books by Stefan Browning. Yes, any books by Stefan Browning.

BOOKSELLER: I'm not familiar with him, what kind of books has he written? I'm not familiar with him, what kind of books has he written?

CUSTOMER: I don't know if he's written any. You see, my name's Stefan Browning, and I always like to go into bookshops to see if anyone with my name has written a book. I don't know if he's written any. You see, my name's Stefan Browning, and I always like to go into bookshops to see if anyone with my name has written a book.

BOOKSELLER: ... right... . right.

CUSTOMER: Because then I can buy it, you see, and carry it around with me and tell everyone that I've had a novel published. Then everyone will think I'm really cool, don't you think? Because then I can buy it, you see, and carry it around with me and tell everyone that I've had a novel published. Then everyone will think I'm really cool, don't you think?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: This might be a stupid question, but do you sell milk? This might be a stupid question, but do you sell milk?

CUSTOMER: Do you sell lottery tickets? Do you sell lottery tickets?

CUSTOMER: Do you sell screw drivers? Do you sell screw drivers?

CUSTOMER: Do you have an LGBT fiction section? Do you have an LGBT fiction section?

BOOKSELLER: We don't have a specific section, but we do have LGBT literature Sarah Waters, Ali Smith, Jeanette Winterson, Christopher Isherwood etc. Which author were you looking for? We don't have a specific section, but we do have LGBT literature Sarah Waters, Ali Smith, Jeanette Winterson, Christopher Isherwood etc. Which author were you looking for?

CUSTOMER: Don't worry, I'll have a look through the fiction section thanks for your help. Don't worry, I'll have a look through the fiction section thanks for your help.

OTHER CUSTOMER: Sorry, did I hear you right? Did you just say that all the h.o.m.os.e.xual books are in with the normal fiction. Sorry, did I hear you right? Did you just say that all the h.o.m.os.e.xual books are in with the normal fiction.

BOOKSELLER: All our fiction is one section. All our fiction is one section.

(Other Customer looks suspiciously at the book she's holding and slides it back on the shelf)

CUSTOMER: I'm looking for a biography to read that's really interesting. Could you recommend one? I'm looking for a biography to read that's really interesting. Could you recommend one?

BOOKSELLER: Sure. What books have you read and liked? Sure. What books have you read and liked?

CUSTOMER: Well, I really loved Well, I really loved Mein Kampf. Mein Kampf.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Loved is probably not the right word. Loved is probably not the right word.

BOOKSELLER: No. Probably not. No. Probably not.

CUSTOMER: Liked, is probably better. Yes. Liked. I liked it a lot. Liked, is probably better. Yes. Liked. I liked it a lot.