She could not believe that, could she?

Not Marianne Mulvaney in whose heart Jesus Christ had dwelled for the past seventeen years, or more.

As she left the barn, the thought touched her light and fleeting as a snowflake. Am I saying good-bye?

Now the sky was cracked and cobbled and glowed in the west with a mysterious bruised flame on the very brink of extinction. In the front windows of the antique barn lights winked, and Marianne thought for an uneasy moment that Connne was inside; but it was only reflected light.

Marianne unlatched the door of the antique barn with coldstiffened fingers and let herself inside. Switched on the overhead light, hoping no one in the house would notice. Hoping Corinne wouldn't grab a jacket and run out to join her.

She'd had a thought of-what was it?-not a dream exactly but a vivid memory of a framed reproduction, a wall hanging?-one of Corinne's "bargain treasures." Suddenly it seemed urgent to find it.

But where, amid this clutter?

Marianne hadn't been in her mother's shop for a while. There must have been new acquisitions, it looked as if Corinne was stripping down and refinishing a weird armchair of twisted, gnarled tree limbs, like a torture machine, and there was a Shaker-style rocking chair positioned on a worktable, but Marianne couldn't be sure.

A smell of paint solvent, varnish, furniture polish, oil-based paint (Corinne had been painting the interior of the barn a bright robin'segg blue but hadn't quite finished the task), mouse droppings, dust. That comforting smell of old things, of the past. So happy here, things are so calm and sane here Corinne would exclaim, brushing away cobwebs, dodging a drip from the ceiling, gamely clearing s.p.a.ce for visitors to walk through the clutter, her eyes glistening like a child's. All the Mulvaney children were involved in Corinne's obsession from time to time, particularly Marianne, eager to be Mom's helper, though lacking her mother's unquestioning pa.s.sion for old things, the mere look and feel and smell and heft of them; the fact, to Corinne endlessly fascinating, they were old. And abandoned by their former owners.

Michael Sr. took a characteristic humorous view of High Point Antiques: to him, Corinne's stock was basically junk. Some of it "O.K. junk" and sonic of it "not-bad junk" but most of it "just plain junk" of the kind you can find in anybody's attic or cellar if not the town dump. The mystique of old and abandoned was lost on him. "In my business," he said, "you provide the customer with state-of-the- art goods and labor or you're out on your a.s.s."

Marianne guessed that the antique barn was Cormnne's haven from the continuous intensity, the carnival atmosphere, of family life. Especially when Marianne and her brothers had been small chil- dren. There was cram and clutter and a look of a tornado having blown through in both the house and in the antique barn but in the antique barn it was quiet, at least.

Heavy rusted wrought-iron garden furniture, a "gothic revival" settee, a "rococo revival" chair of exquisite cast-iron filigree, willow ware settees and headboards, that twisty furniture made of gnarled tree limbs with bark still intact-"naturalistic style," of the turn of the century; native willow and imported rattan and much-varnished aged wood that looked as if it would disintegrate into its molecules if anyone's weight was lowered upon it. There were dining-room sets, battered drop-leaf maplewood tables and matching chairs with split rush seats; there were stacks of dust-limp lampshades, lamps of yel- lowed carved ivory, free-standing gilt-stenciled "Doric columns," even a broken-stringed harpsichord with keys the color of English breakfast tea. There were lacquered surfaces, grimy-fabric surfaces, splotched-mirror surfaces, porcelain and marble and stone and concrete (urns, dogs, horses, a ghastly white-painted "darky" holding out a fingerless hand for an invisible horse's rein). There was a counter of shoe boxes stuffed with aged postcards dated 1905, 1911, 1923, handwritten, in the scrawled and faded and frequently indecipherable hands of strangers; penny postcards beanng vista-views of the Chautauqua Valley, photographs painted over to resemble watercolors in romantic pastel hues, selling for as little as one dollar a dozen. (If Corinne could sell them at all.) Marianne couldn't resist, pulled out a card at random, a sunset scene of ca.n.a.l barge, yoked mules and mule driver t.i.tled Erie Barge Ca.n.a.l at Yewville, !- Y., 1915. On the reverse was a message in near-invisible blue ink, in a woman's flowery hand:

h.e.l.lo Rose! Suppose you think lam dead. But I am not, very much alive instead. How are you all? & are you still in the same house? L-'t me hear from you. All O.K. here except for Ross & grand ma, no change. Love to all & the baby too. Yr. sis. Edna. It was dated Fri. P.M., July 16. Hastily Marianne put the card back in the shoe box and moved on. If she began reading through these old cards she'd lose herself for an hour.

Some of them she'd stolen away to keep in her room. They sold so cheaply, it seemed a shame. Such tragically real and unique and irreplaceable doc.u.ments. Corinne agreed they were precious but then everything in her antique barn was precious wasn't it?-that was the point of antiques wasn't it?

Behind stacks of water-stained and -warped old books-James Fenimore Cooper's The Pathfinder, Winston Churchill's A Modern Chronicle, Hamlin Garland's A Son of the Middle Border, A Children's Garden of Poesy and several volumes of Reader's Digest Books, Information Please Almanac 1949-partly covered by a kerosene-smelling ratty old quilt, Marianne found what she was searching for. A framed reproduction of an antiquated painting by an unknown artist, t.i.tled The Pilgrim: a romantically twilit vista of mountains, a woodland lake, light radiating from a likeness of Jesus' face in the sky falling upon a robed figure kneeling in a meadow of grazing sheep and lambs beside the glistening water. The figure was barefoot and seemed to have made her way across a rocky terrain; her profile was partly obscured by a plait of faded gold hair and a shawl modestly covering her head. Beneath the t.i.tle was the caption, which Marianne found thrilling: He that loseth his life for my sake shallfind it.

Corimne had brought The Pilgrim home years ago from a flea market and hadn't sold it though the price had been lowered several times, rather conspicuously-$25, $19.98, now $12.50. (How did Corinne determine these prices, anyhow? She seemed to have, as Michael Sr. observed, an unfailing instinct for keeping them just high enough to discourage potential buyers.) Marianne recalled Patrick saying of the reproduction, What cornball stuff Mom! and she supposed she had to agree, yes it was sentimental and silly, bad as the worst of Sunday school Bible cards, Jesus floating in the sky like a balloon, the lambs gathered around the pilgrim like wooden toys with disconcertingly humanoid faces. Still, Marianne found the image fascinating, like a riddle to be decoded. Many times she'd asked Corinne who was the pilgrim, and where had she come from? She was alone-why? She seemed quite young, only a girl. Was she about to die, and that was why Jesus smiled down upon her from the clouds? Yet she did not appear injured or exhausted; in her very posture of humility, head bowed, hands clasped and uplifted in prayer, there was a suggestion of pride. Clearly the pilgrim was praying to Jesus, unaware of Him though His rays of light illuminated her out of the shadow.

Corinne found The Pilgrim fascinating, too. She had the idea it was based on some German folktale, she didn't know why. And the caption wasn't accurate, exactly: it should have been She that loseth her life for my sake shall find it.

Marianne drew her fingers across the gla.s.s, trailing dust. She squatted beside the painting, staring avidly at it, her eyes misting over in tears. She felt a surge of happiness sharp as pain in her heart.

She hadn't actually seen The Pilgrim in a long time and had more or less forgotten it. Yet, evidently, she'd been thinking of it the previous night, soaking in Trisha LaPorte's bathtub. Numbed, dazed. Her thoughts flying rapidly and fluidly and without weight or seeming significance. Jesus help me, Jesus help me. Like scenes glimpsed from the window of a speeding vehicle, lacking depth and color. Like those strange fleeting faces, strangers' faces, some of them distorted and grotesque, we see as we sink exhausted into sleep. So, aniid the steaming water, above a limp-floating naked girl's body, a body at which Marianne did not look, The Pilgrim rose, took shape. It hovered suspended until finally it faded into numbness and oblivion, a gougedout hole in the very s.p.a.ce of consciousness.

So much to talk about! So many interruptions! Laughter, and Judd scolded by Dad for pa.s.sing sausage-bits to Little Boots beneath the table, and Mom scolded by Dad Honeylove will you for G.o.d's sake stop jumping up every five minutes?-and the discovery, midmeal, that the oven was still set at four hundred degrees and the Mexican chickenshrimp-sausage ca.s.serole was beginning to b.u.m. Marianne had helped Morn prepare supper as usual as if nothing were wrong, so perhaps nothing was wrong. In addition to the super-ca.s.serole there was grilled Parmesan-dill bread, baked b.u.t.ternut squash sprinkled with brown sugar, a giant tossed salad with Mom's special oil-and-vinegar dressing, homemade apple-cinnamon cobbler with vanilla ice cream. How many suppers, how many meals, here in the big cozy country kitchen at High Point Farm: you might bear the memory into eternity, yet each occasion was unique, mysterious.

In a haze of smiling, nodding, chewing, swallowing Marianne navigated the hour-long meal. Not quite so talkative, smiling, happy as usual but maybe no one noticed? (Except Mom?) Mikey-Junior was away with his girl Trudi Hendnck (Are those two getting serious?

Mom's worried, wondering) but all the other Mulvaneys were in their usual seats. And all hungry.

You know you want to, why'd you come u'ith me if you don't?

n.o.body's gonna hurt you for Clrnst's sake get cool.

Talk swirled around Mananne's head like confetti. She was listening, yet seemed not to hear. Did they glance at her oddly?-or not notice a thing? There was a buzzing in her ears remote as wasps, in summer, under the eaves. That ache like weeping in her loins. (Don't think: va-gin-a. Ugly words like ut-er-us, cut-or-is.) Marianne leapt up to save Mom a trip, carrying the heated ca.s.serole back to the table; pa.s.sed the newly replenished bread basket back to Dad, the salt-free margarine, the hefty gleaming "Swedish" salad bowl. Morn was telling them excitedly of the candidate she and church friends intended to campaign for, in the upcoming Presidential election, Jimmy Carter-"A true Christian, and an intelligent, forceful man." Dad murmured in an undertone, with a wink for the kids, "Rare combo, eh?" but Mom chose to ignore the remark; tried never to argue at mealtimes, on principle. Next was talk of the icy roads, Monday morning's predicted weather (snow flumes, windchill temperatures as low as minus twenty). Talk of upcoming dental appointments (Patrick, Judd-both groaned), a vet appointment (for poor Silky, whose teeth were getting bad). Dad brought up the subject of the bid Mulvaney Roofing had made last Monday to the contractor for the St. Matthew's Hospital addition, one of seven bids from local roofers, so far as he knew; a decision was due soon, maybe this week. With a shrug of his burly shoulder meant to disguise the hope and anxiety he felt, Dad said, grinning, "Well, as the fda says, 'No news is good news.' Right?" Mom inteijected in her way of thrusting her head forward, gawky-girl style, with her neighing laugh, " 'No noose is good noose'-as the condeInned man said on the scaffold."

"Oh, Morn!" everyone brayed.

Except Marianne, who smiled vaguely. Knowing she'd hurt her mother's feelings earlier, that exchange about Feathers. Though she couldn't remember any longer what either of them had said.

Patrick tried to initiate a discussion of time travel but Dad laughed scornfully, pointing out it was bad enough we have so many useless overpriced places to travel to now, let alone going back and fo,ward in time. Mom remarked it would make her so nervous, plunging into the unknown-"The 'known' is about all I can handle." Patrick sulked they never took anything seriously and Dad said in fact they took everything seriously except not at inealtimes. Going on then to tell a new joke ("There's these identical-looking skunks, one's a Republican and the other's a Democrat, meet in a bar") he'd heard in the club locker room that afternoon and everyone laughed, or made laughinggroaning sounds, and Marianne too smiled though preoccupied with pa.s.sing the salad bowl. And replenishing the bread basket lined with bright pumpkin-decorated paper napkins from Hallowe'en. Patrick observed dryly, "Is h.o.m.o sapiens the only species that laughs? What's the evolutionary advantage in laughing, does anyone know?"

Mom said thoughtfully, "Laughing is a way of getting out of yourself, laughing at yourself-mankind's foibles, pretensions." Dad said, "h.e.l.l, it's a way of letting off steam. Nervous tension." Judd said, "It's just something that happens, you can't force it." Patrick said, "But why? Why does it happen? What's the point?" Mom said, sighing, laying a hand on Patrick's arm, "Oh, well, Pinch-if you have to ask, you'll never know." And everyone laughed at Patrick who was blushing, embarra.s.sed.

Everyone except Marianne who was at the counter cutting more slices of bread. She smiled, and returned to her seat. What had they been talking about?

It's as ifl am already gone.Just my body in its place.

She'd seen Patrick glancing at her, sidelong. Not a word from him. There was the Mulvaney cork bulletin board on the wall. Festooned with color snapshots, clippings, blue and red ribbons, Dad's Chamber of Commerce "medal," dried wildflowers, gorgeous seedcatalogue pictures of tomatoes, snapdragons, columbine. Beneath what was visible were more items and beneath those probably more. Like archeological strata. A recent history of the Mulvaneys. The bulletin board had been there forever, Morn's contribution to the household. At its center was a large calendar with the handprinted * * * WORK SCHEDULE * * * above. High Point Farm had to be run like a boot camp, the elder Mulvaneys believed, or chaos would sweep in and bear them all away like a flood. So painstakingly, with the judiciousness of Solomon, Corinne drew up each month a schedule of ch.o.r.es-house ch.o.r.es, mealtime ch.o.r.es, trash-related ch.o.r.es, all variety of outdoor/ seasonal ch.o.r.es, horse ch.o.r.es, cow ch.o.r.es, barn ch.o.r.es, pet ch.o.r.es, and what was uncla.s.sifiable-"misc." ch.o.r.es. (These, the Mulvaney children agreed, could be the most treacherous. Helping Mom clean out the cellar, for instance. Helping Mom sand, sc.r.a.pe, caulk, paint in the antique barn. Helping Mom put flea collars on all the dogs and cats in a single afternoon.) Like any month, February 1976 presented itself to the neutral eye as a phenomenon of white squares arranged symmetrically along proportionate grids as if time were a matter of division, finite and exacting; each square mastered by Corirme Mulvaney's meticulous hand-printing. Corinne was fiimous for her terrible fairmindedness, as Dad said she spared no one the worst, not even herself and him.

True, the Mulvaneys sometimes made deals with one another, switched ch.o.r.es without Mom's approval. So long as the ch.o.r.es got done there was no problem but when the * * * WORK SCHEDULE * * * failed in any particular, as Dad said there was h.e.l.l to pay.

Still it was nice wasn't it, comforting. Knowing that at any time you could check the bulletin board, see exactly what was expected of you not only that day but through the end of the month.

Most prominent on the bulletin board as always were the newer Polaroids. b.u.t.ton in her pretty prom dress. Before the luckless Austin Weidman the "date" amved in his dad's car to take her away. Strawberries 'n' cream! Dad teased, snapping the shots. But of course he was proud, how could he not be proud. And Mom was proud. Pride goeth before a fall Mom would murmur biting her lower lip but, oh!-it was hard to resist. Marianne had sewed such a lovely dress for her 4-H project, not due until June for the county fair compet.i.tion. And Marianne was so lovely of course. Slender, high-breasted, with those shining eyes, gleaming dark-brown hair of the hue of the finest richest mahogany. In one of the shots Marianne and Corinne were smiling at Dad the photographer, arms around each other's waist, and Corinne in her baggy SAVE THE WHALES sweatshirt and jeans looked wonderfully youthful, mischievous. The white light of the flash illuminated every freckle on her face and caused her eyes to flare up neon-blue. She'd been photographed in the midst of laughing but there was no mistaking those eyes, that pride. This is my g-fi to the world, my beaut-ful daughter thank you G.o.d.

The meal was ending, they were eating dessert. Talk had looped back to Dad and his triumphant or almost-triumphant squash games that afternoon. Marianne listened and laughed with the others. Though her mind was drifting away and had to be restrained like a flighty unwieldy kite in a fierce wind. No telephone calls for b.u.t.ton that day. Not one, Corinne would surely have noticed.

Dad was being good, amazingly good for Dad-eating a small portion of apple cobbler and stoically refusing another helping. He complimented Mom and Marianne on the terrific supper and went on to speak of his friend Ben Breuer whose name was frequently mentioned at mealtimes at High Point Farm. Mr. Breuer was a local attorney, a business a.s.sociate and close friend of the Democratic state senator from the Chautauqua district, Harold Stoud, whom Michael Mulvaney Sr. much admired and to whose campaigns he'd contributed. "Ben and I are evenly matched as twins, almost," Dad was saying, smiling, "-but I can beat Ben if I push hard. Winning is primarily an act of will. I mean when you're so evenly matched. But I don't always push it, you know?-so Ben thinks, if he happens to win a game or two, he's won on his own. Keeping a good equilibrium is more important."

Patrick pushed his wire-nm schoolboy gla.s.ses against the bridge of his nose and peered at Dad inquisitively. "More important than what, Dad?" he asked.

"More important than winning."

"'A good equilibrium'-in what sense?"

"In the sense of friendship. Pure and simple."

"I don't understand." Patrick's mild provoking manner, his level gaze, indicated otherwise. A tawny look had come up in his eyes.

Dad said, pleasantly, "Friendship with a person of Ben Breuer's quality means a h.e.l.l of a lot more to me than winning a game."

"Isn't that hypocritical, Dad?"

A look of hurt flickered across Dad's face. He'd been spooning apple cobbler out of Mom's bowl which she'd pushed in his direction, seeing how he'd been casting yearning glances at it, and now he said, fixing Patrick with a fatherly patient smile, "It's sound business sense, son. That's what it is."

After supper there was the danger of Corinne knocking at her door. Of course the door could not be locked, impossible to lock any door at High Point Farm and violate family code.

In fact there were no locks on the children's bedroom doors. For what purpose, a lock?

G.o.d help me.Jesus have pity on me.

During the meal Marianne had had a mild surge of nausea but no one had noticed. She'd conquered it, sitting very calmly and waiting for it to subside. As Dad said, An act of will.

But it was there, still. The nausea that had spread through her body like that species of thick clotted green sc.u.m that, if unchecked, spread through the animals' drinking pond and despoiled it each sunmier. Microorganisms replicating by an action of sunshine, Patrick explained. Only drastic measures could curtail them.