"I have to get over to the base," he told her as he jammed his feet into his shoes and raked his hair down with his fingers, looking into the same mirror that they'd both looked into just last night and ... "Good luck with your meeting." Good luck with your life. Thanks for sharing a night of it. Too bad it wasn't more.

"It's just a week," she said. She actually looked genuinely upset Or maybe she was just a good actress.

"Yeah," he said. "Sure. I'll, urn, wait for your call." And he would. Like the fool that he was.

"I'll see you later this afternoon," she said. "There's a meeting about the President's visit. I'll be there."

"Oh," he said. "Yeah. I'm... Steve's taking care of that."

"Why?"

Because Muldoon was going to ask him to. "I don't know. I guess he's more knowledgeable."

"Mikea""

"Look, I really have to go." He headed for the door.

She followed, and clearly her anxiety about whether or not anyone saw him coming out of her room took priority over whatever it was she had been about to say. "Don't let anyone see you leave."

"I'm a SEAL," he said. He wanted to kiss her good-bye, but he was afraid if he did he might start to crya"which would embarra.s.s him to death as well as take some of the punch out of his exit line. "I think I can probably handle it."

The phone rang just a little after noon, and Charlie picked it up, knowing it was Joan.

"I don't have long to talk," her granddaughter said, "but I didn't want you to think I've been ignoring you."

"We know you've been busya"we've been watching the news."

"Yeah." Joan changed the subject. "How's Donny?"

"Much better," Charlie said. "Vince is still checking in on him every day. Did you know your father's been sending him email?"

"No, I didn't," Joan said. "Whoa, that's a surprise. I mean, Tony-the-bonehead's emailed me a few times this month. He even left a message on my answering machine last week. But I never in a million years would have expected him to get in touch with Don."

"I wish you wouldn't call him that," Charlie said mildly. "He's your father. It's disrespectful."

"Walking out on Mommy didn't exactly make him worthy of my respect," Joan countered. "Oh, and getting angry at Donny the way he used to? That really helped. Shout at him louder, Dad. Maybe that'll cure his mental illness."

"Cut him a little slack," Charlie said. "It wasn't easy being Donny's parenta"you have to admit that."

"Mom managed."

"Some people are simply better equipped to deal with tragedy than others."

"I'm sorry. I didn't call you up to argue about Tony," Joan said. "I am in one snarling bad mood so I should probably just tell you that I love you and get off the phone."

"What happened?" Charlie asked. "Other than what's been on the news, that is."

"Isn't that enough?"

"Not that I believe any of the things that have been reported. I'm waiting with baited breath for this press conference that's going to be held this afternoon."

"Yes," Joan told her. "Me, too. It's nice to know that something good has come out of this mess. Brooke recognized how badly she screwed up last night, and she's actually going to make a public apology. She's announcing that she's leaving immediately to check in to the Betty Ford Center. This is her choice, Gram. No one's sending her away. This is really, finally what she wants to do."

"Alleluia," Charlie said. "One would think from that news your mood wouldn't include any snarling at all."

"Yeah, well..."

"So what else happened last night?"

"Nothing," Joan said.

"You slept with him," Charlie guessed. "Your lieutenant."

"Oh, G.o.d, Gramma... !"

"I'm not supposed to talk to you about things that matter?"

"Well, yeah, but not about that. You're supposed to think, I don't know ... that I'm still a virgin because, well, because I'm not married."

Charlie snorted with laughter. "I happen to know, my dearest, that you haven't been a virgin since you were a teenager. I believe his name was Nathan? You brought him to your aunt Wendy's birthday party."

"Oh, my G.o.d! You knew?"

"Who do you think put that box of condoms in the top drawer of your dresser?" Charlie asked. "Old people aren't necessarily idiots."

"I know that, but I thought... I don't know what I thought. That Nate bought them and put them there? Like, hint, hint. I just... I mean, I knew it wasn't Mom. She was cluelessa"she had no idea what was going on with me. She was, you know, dealing with Donny."

They were both silent for a moment, then Charlie said, "I never talked to my mother about anything that mattered. I wish I had, but she died when I was quite young, too. Before I was married. And then after I was married ... Do you remember your great-grandmother Edna? She died when you were five."

"Yeah," Joan said. "But... wait a minute. Now I'm confused. I thought she was your mother, not Gramps's."

"She was my first husband James's mother," Charlie told her. "Edna Fletcher."

Joan laughed. "I had no idea."

"I used to talk to her all the time," Charlie admitted. She still missed Edna. To this day. "We talked about all sorts of things. In fact, the first time Vince and I... well, long story short, we made love before we were marrieda"shame on usa" and we did it in the same bed James and I had slept in, just down the hall from my mother-in-law's bedroom. The walls were so thin in that apartment, she had to know what we were up to."

"Oh, G.o.d, you're kidding."

"Nope. Afterward I had something of a ... breakdown, I guess you'd call it nowadays," she continued. "Vince thoughta" of course, because he was an honorable mana"that since we'd done what we'd done, we'd rush right out and get married immediately. He loved me very much, I knew thata"but I couldn't deal with anything I was feeling about him and about James... And I was so sure that Vince was going to go back to the war and die and... I knew I couldn't bear that."

Joan made a sound that might've been agreement or might've been pain, Charlie couldn't quite tell.

"I don't really know what I was planning to do," she told her granddaughter. "I packed my suitcase and threw my coat on right over my robe and I marched downstairs with Vince on my heels. He was begging me to slow down and take a deep breath and not do anything crazy. And there was Mother Edna in the kitchen, making us all a pot of tea.

"I burst into tears when I saw her. I told her that I had to leave this house because I didn't deserve to stay there any longer. I'd betrayed James and I'd betrayed her, and... Poor Vince. I know that must've hurt him so much to hear that, but I was a terrible mess.

"She asked him to go back upstairs and give us some privacy, and he went. And then your great-grandma Edna just grabbed hold of me and held on to me and let me cry my heart out. She told me that I hadn't betrayed anyone, especially not her, and that she was glada"so glada"that I'd taken this step back to the world of the living. She knew just what to say to calm me down. She knew not to push me, too. She told me if I wanted to marry Vincea"if I wanted toa"then she couldn't wait to throw rice at my wedding.

"And she knew what to say to Vince, tooa"I heard her talking to him in the hall after she'd tucked me into bed. She told him, 'James would have liked you.' " Charlie laughed, remembering. "That wasa"as Vince would saya"one h.e.l.l of a night. And it didn't end there. I had a lot of figuring out to do before I really came to know what exactly it was that I wanted."

Joan was quiet on the other end of the phone. But she finally spoke. "Both of your husbands fought in the war."

"Yes, they did."

More silence, then, "How did you stand it?"

Figures that would be the question she asked. Charlie laughed softly. There was only one answer. "You pray a lot, and you never take the time you spend together for granted."

Joan was silent again for a few moments. Then she laughed. "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, Gramma," she said. "I have no idea what I really want. I thought I did, but... G.o.d, this man is going to mess up my life. I just know it. I don't think I can see him again. I don't think I can bear it. He's... wonderful. If I'm not careful, I'm going to do something really stupid like fall in love with him and ... G.o.d, he's a SEAL and he's a child and there's no way it would ever work. If I don't end this now... I have to end this now. I have to."

"Vince and I are supposed to come out to the base tomorrow," Charlie reminded her. "Your Lieutenant Muldoon was going to give us a tour. Maybe we should postpone it."

"No," Joan said. "That's not why I called. That's ... No, I want you to come out. And ... oh, G.o.d, Gramma, I want to see him again. I'm such a loser. But with you guys there, it'll be safe. Safer. I'll meet you at the gate at... We said ten, right?"

"We'll be there," Charlie promised. "And you're not a loser."

"I've already really hurt his feelings," Joan confessed. "I get scared and then I turn into such a b.i.t.c.h."

"So apologize," Charlie told her. "I'm sure you can think of ways to apologize that will make him forgive you."

Joan laughed. "Gramma, you're shocking me." But then she sighed. "Maybe it's better if he stays mad at me."

"Better for whom?"

"I don't know," Joan admitted. "Both of us. Look, I've got to go. I'll see you and Gramps tomorrow."

Chapter 20.

Mary Lou drove around for almost an hour before she found Ihbraham.

He was working over in Commander Paoletti and Kelly Ashton's neighborhood today, raking out the overgrown garden of a run-down little house that had a FOR SALE sign out in front.

He saw her immediately as she pulled up and came toward the street to meet her, concern in his eyes.

She was not going to cry. She was not going to cry.

"Got a sec?" she called over the top of her car, trying to sound cheery and breezy and not at all as if her life were falling apart around her.

He glanced back at the garden he'd been working on, and then looked back at her. She forced a smile. It wasn't that harda"she'd been doing it all morning at work.

As he got closer, he leaned over, trying to look into the windows of the car, checking to see if she had Haley with her.

"She's still at the sitter's," Mary Lou told him. "She'll take her nap over there today. Can I talk you into taking a break?"

"Do you mind if I work while we talk?" he countered. "This is a big job and I must get it finished today."

"I don't mind," she said.

"How did you know where to find me?" he asked as they walked back across the lawn.

"I didn't," she admitted as he started raking again. Some of the plants in there were still alive, and he was as careful of them as he was of every living thing he encountered. "I guessed. I hoped. I... I mink my husband wants a divorce." Her voice wobbled, but somehow she kept herself from actually sobbing. "He told me this morning that we have to sit down and talk after President Bryant's visit is over."

She may not have been crying, but she sounded as if she was going to start any second.

Ihbraham sighed and leaned his rake against the side of the house. Taking her hand, he led her the few steps to the front stoop and together they sat down.

"I am sorry to hear that," he said. "But I think it's good that you're finally going to talk with him."

"You said you need to work," she said, staring down at her hand still engulfed in his. Her fingers were so pale against his dark skin.

"Not as much, I think, as you need me to listen." His smile was a mixture of sad and kind. She had to look away and blink hard to keep her tears from escaping. "Tell me why you think that your husband is so set on divorce. Sam, right?"

She nodded. "His real name's Roger, but everyone calls him Sam." Who cared what everyone called him? Her entire world was crumbling. "He told me he was unhappy. He said he knew I was unhappy, too."

"Are you?"

"Yes," she admitted. "I'm miserable. You know that better than anyone."

"And do you want to divorce him?" Ihbraham asked.

"No!"

He gently released her hand. "Why is it then, that you can be unhappy and yet not wish for a divorce, yet be so certain that this is what he wants?"

"Because I'm not s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around on the side the way he is." Even as she said the words, she knew they weren't really true. She believed Sam when he'd said he hadn't been with Alyssa since they were married.

But the fact remained that he still wanted Alyssa. He dreamed about her. He thought about her. He closed his eyes when he was with Mary Loua"back in the days when they were still having s.e.xa"and pretended he was with Alyssa. She knew it.

"He hasn't touched me in months," Mary Lou confessed. "If he's not cheating on me, that means he'd rather go without s.e.x than be with me." And wasn't that a terrible thought? This time she couldn't do anything to stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. "Am I really that fat and ugly?"

Ihbraham shook his head. "Maybe he refrains from touching you because he knows you don't love him."

"But I do." Although even as she said the words, she knew they weren't true. "I did. I thought I did. Lord, he's so different than he was when we first met. I guess that's not a huge surprise since all we did together was get drunk and have s.e.x. Now we do neither. Is it really any wonder we don't have anything in common? I hate all the movies and books that he loves. His eyes glaze over when I want to talk about fixing up the house. Okay, we both like country music, but I can't go out to a bar without fear of falling off the wagona"so much for dancing. As if I even could get him to do something like dance anymore. He's so tense and angry and... dark. When we first met he was such a party boy. Everything was a joke, a good laugh. Mercy, that smile... But he's not like that at all. Not really. He scares me to death sometimes."

Ihbraham looked at her sharply. "Does he beat you?"

"No! I think he'd rather die before hitting a woman," Mary Lou said. "I just... I think he's seen and done some really terrible things. You know, in this war. And he's been fighting it for a long timea"long before September eleventh. I don't want to hear about it, which is good because he's not allowed to tell me much. But when he can talk about it, I just don't want to know. I want him to be that man who smiles and laughs all the time, the man I met back in the bar. I don't want to see him start to cry."

"You married more than a smile and some laughter," Ihbraham said gently. "You married an entire man. Laughter is just a very small part of any person."

"No kidding." She hugged her knees in to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. "I think I always knew there was more to Sam than he let on. He always scared me a little. But back then I liked that, too. SEALs always came into the bar, and everyone was in such total awe of them. Everyone. The guys, too. I thought if I could get a man like that, then I'd be special. I thought, oh, my Lord, what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with someone like that... I thought, if I could get Sam to marry me, I'd work my a.s.s off to make sure that he'd never leave me. And then I'd always be special, and I'd always have someone to take care of me. I'd never have to worry about anything again and..."