"What man thinks of as solid "truths" could be obliterated once one has pa.s.sed from worldly existence . . . "

"one's beliefs, once established, remain a cane to lean upon throughout those times of uncertainty and change."

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Reminiscence

I was reflecting how some people lump together instances which, personally, I feel are complete opposites. Case in point; the dissimilarity, in my opinion between telling a person he has a piece of cake on his chin and telling someone he has a pimple on his forehead.

I would be grateful to the person who would say, with discretion, that food had somehow missed my mouth and had adhered to the skin surrounding my mouth. There is nothing more degrading than to have had a lovely luncheon, followed by a shopping spree, only to discover upon looking in the mirror at 5:30 p.m. that you'd been carrying a splotch of cake on your face for the better part of the day. In the event that someone announces that you have a blemish on your face, however, I feel nothing short of mild revulsion toward that individual for augmenting an embarra.s.sment which you've already acknowledged to yourself upon awakening. Chances are that you are fully aware of the exact longitude and lat.i.tude of the facial offender which so hatefully appeared on your face. I simply feel that comments of that nature are unnecessary because there is absolutely nothing you can do except to hope it exits as rapidly as it made it's debut. Unlike the piece of cake which can be whisked away after its detection, the blemish remains until full maturity and disappears only when it is quite prepared to do so!

Thus ends my dissertation on facial concerns.

Much of the fear that I now perceive deals with the question of where I would go should I outlive Mom and Dad. I feel so utterly dependant upon them, especially given the condition of my health and my inability to earn a living of my own. I had depended on Norm in the event I should have more years of life than my parents; we had said we could live together, and my worries were somewhat allayed. I hope I will die before them, although I realize this would hurt them deeply. Hidden inside me is, perhaps, a coward which seeks the road of least resistance. Given my past degree of luck, however, I'm sure that my wishes will not come true. One must take those things in life which are difficult to endure and attempt to grow with each new development.

Life seems unable to be a "no load" experience; perhaps it is impossible to think that the sunshine and the rain maintain equal balance.

Feb. 2, 1984... It was good to drive Norm's Chevette today. It seemed the barrier was broken and I was comforted; also to know that I could get out, that I could drive the car with competence and at the same time, I could feel close to Norm. It's easier to shift than Dad's Chevy truck.

Feb.7, 1984... Some of the reason I felt so bad that awful Monday and Tuesday was the feeling that it should've been me. It was as if an angel came to retrieve a soul at 5440 and got the wrong room. Everyone was expecting me to die, and it would have been a lot easier...

Feb. 11, 1984... It began to storm around 12:30 while I was still down-stairs. I've never experienced such a loud and brilliant display of nature's fireworks at such an unlikely time of the year. Upon hearing the noise, I elected to turn off the T.V.in favor of listening to and observing the lightning. It was quite intense for a brief period of ten minutes or thereabouts. I wish it would continue to storm throughout the pa.s.sage of the night. . . it would effectively break the monotony of sleep.

Feb. 12, 1984... Sunday's just aren't the same... it was a gray and misty day, temperature of 52. I guess the committee at Church went to the Bishop to obtain a replacement for Rev. Hess. I'll miss him...he was the only minister with whom I felt at ease to express my true feelings.

With others, I was backed up against a wall. I must believe as they did. . .if G.o.d knowingly created man as imperfect beings which had to attain greater knowledge through experience, how could He simultaneously punish them for eternity simply because they doubted His existence or some of His principles? It would, in my opinion, be folly for Him to place such a temptation as Knowledge (the apple) within man's perception and then command him to shun it at all costs; an all-knowing Being, G.o.d would have already been aware that man, yet a child in mentality, couldn't resist such a command, just as a child is unable to keep his hands in his pockets in a souvenir shop.

Man has a mind for a purpose; to think, to inquire into the unknown, to rationalize the meaning of this complex universe. If G.o.d had not wanted man to think, he would have created man as an imbecile, and would never have placed an apple tree in Eden. I feel that through questioning, one grows. No man knows of that which comes after life on earth. One can only hope for serenity; the certainty of heaven is yet a dream, to claim otherwise violates all sense of rationality. What man thinks of as solid "truths" could be obliterated once one has pa.s.sed from worldly existence; perhaps "truths" could just as rapidly change through higher vision on earth. The longer I live, the more I realize that nothing is certain and binding. One can simply hold beliefs with the hope that they are at least true in part. Knowledge can undergo change as quickly as a new discovery is made which breaks a former "law" of nature; one's beliefs, once established, remain a cane to lean upon throughout those times of uncertainty and change. If those personal beliefs accommodate room for such change, one's growth is not stunted; rather, one is able to rise above the poison and find fresh air once again.

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Chapter 40 G.o.d, My View

"G.o.d is my inner sense of wholeness and peace, melding me with all creation."

"G.o.d could be no less than infinitum."

CHAPTER FORTY

G.o.d, My View

The wealth of unanswerable mysteries which Life presents has led me to create a h.o.a.rd of personal speculations as to their possible solutions.

Following are those insights which I maintain as "possibilities" and those with which I heartily disagree. Included also are the possibilities with which my mind has struggled yet cannot truly "claim"

as my own beliefs because of their sheer incredibility. Attempting to rationalize that which is not an "absolute" has always been one of man's delights and obsessions; my speculations have brought peace to my mind in a chaotic world. They are my own, with which I can live in harmony through all of life's crises.

When I was young, I would listen to the Bible stories and sermons and soon began conjuring an image of G.o.d in my mind; in essence, He was an old, white-haired man, seated in the clouds in a brilliant robe at a magnificent desk, holding in his large hands a mighty scroll of the names of his earthly subjects. As I learned more, and was given his personality as if it was truly a simple, well-known fact, I began to foster deep feelings of rebellion, yet I knew not the reason for my disgust.

Only years later did I realize I was not the pagan I had thought myself to be. I believed in an infinite creator, yet the problem I had with established religion and church was my antipathy toward the restrictive quality which language itself bestowed on G.o.d. To give attributes to G.o.d placed him within fathomable bounds and he could not be Everything, as I so needed to believe if I was to believe in a creator.

I think of G.o.d not as a person, or a being to whom one communicates as if to a friend, but rather as a core and ultimate unity of all creation. G.o.d is all things tangible and intangible...he is Everything. I do not worry over the question of whether G.o.d is the sender of morality among humans, for the creation itself is enough of a reason for me to justify a power which is to be awed. Injecting within an animal the capacity to love beyond himself, and mourn for more than the loss of his own life further supports my heartfelt admiration.

I have never thought to blame G.o.d for wrongs and injustices because in nature all is not fair; we, as all creation, are part of a life cycle, an endless wave of being and nonexistence. G.o.d is my inner sense of wholeness and peace, melding me with all creation.

If one can accept the biblical statement, "G.o.d created man in his image," as true, then perhaps there can be other speculations drawn from that source. Since man is generally capable of growing beyond self-love, and, through life's observation and experiences, gaining wisdom; it is possible that G.o.d, also, is growing, reaching ever outward just as the universe itself is said to be expanding.

As humanly inconceivable as forever seems to be, I feel G.o.d could be no less than infinitum. There is not a wall but that something exists on the other side; even within emptiness is the presence of nothing, which in itself is something!!

No one will ever know the mind of G.o.d while trapped in the vessel of human flesh... No one will know how much he controls, indeed, how much he is able to control. Perhaps he can control suffering but does not, or would control the pain but cannot. We must live with the knowledge that pain exists in the world for both the good and the heartless.

We are taught as children that if we behave we shall be amply rewarded.

Eat your vegetables and you'll get a cookie. If one is an honest, diligent worker, he will gain success and honor. Religious teaching also states that the righteous will prosper. Attentively listening, many ingest these tales of fortune and a.s.sume that their earthly reward is forthcoming. However, the world cannot live up to the story-tellers "idealistic view" and we see with distress that our childhood tales had severely bent realism. A member of my church cheated on a test, un.o.bserved, and later received an A while another student who also neglected to study received an F. The former was not punished, nor did the latter student, who honestly failed the exam, receive acknowledgement for his honesty.

A drunken man slammed into an unsuspecting car housing a mother and two children. The drunk barely felt the impact, but the mother and one of her children simultaneously cracked the windshield. It was the third offense, and again he merely paid a fine and the damages. No one was seriously injured, yet the man was not fairly punished for inflicting undeserved wounds and mental anguish on innocent victims.

While instances like those ill.u.s.trated above are numerous and quite prominent in daily life, usually destroying the bulk of one's childhood idealism, certain individuals cling to the "reward ethic" until evil befalls their lives; it's difficult to completely shirk childhood teaching, so firmly rooted in the recesses of the brain. This is why, I believe, there is a possibility for tension between ones self and his religious stance upon facing unpleasant or shattering news. "G.o.d was supposed to be my shield from evil!" followed either by the conclusion, "G.o.d is unjust," or "I must have done some great disservice to the Lord."

If I needed a reason for the existence of "evil" in life, this is the most agreeable one that I could surmise. For there to be freedom in life, there must also be choice. Choice necessitates at least two possibilities, and perhaps it is here that good and evil come into view. If G.o.d is the ultimate creator of all things, He then knew that existence would bring nonexistence, and all things would have its natural counterpart. Good without evil would allow no choice for individuality and we would be reduced into mentally-bonded puppets.

Being the creator of all things would not necessitate his intervening in all life, for within his framework, nature balances itself. The most calamitous effect on the natural world is when it becomes off-balance; thus to control suffering would also place limits and restrictions on humanity's freedom. Mental freedom is better than bondage, yet for freedom one must sometimes pay a great price. G.o.d can be everything without standing above humanity as a punitive figure; though he may embrace life he does not necessarily have to control it.

When viewing "bad" occurrences in a more practical light, perhaps it could be maintained that "badness" can only be so labeled by the one who is placed under an immediate threat. Surely a mouse dangling precariously in an owl's vice-like talons would call his predicament "bad," yet the owl would find only good in the circ.u.mstances at hand, for through the mouse, he is able to sustain himself. Consequently, I feel there must be illness and old age, and ultimately death. The earth could not support its population of animal and human life if there was not the presence of death. Indeed, those of us who live today would not have lived if there was not death; birth into a flooded planet would be impossible. Thus, nature controls itself; though imperfect, it is an infinite miracle, ever growing and continuous.

Perhaps it is because I never believed in the story-book image of G.o.d often presented to me from the outset, that I did not have to grapple with the seeming contradictions which life gradually brought to my view contesting either G.o.d's undying love or a person's goodness due to the presence of suffering in the world. When G.o.d is viewed as nature itself, or at least the core of the natural world, injustice becomes less of an issue regarding the distribution of pain among societal members. Each day in the wild, countless deaths make way for new births and sustain those beings which, for the time, live on. Life is agonizing for the victim and sweet for the victor; yet the one who survives may fall prey to the hunger of a greater beast. . .

and life continues.