SUFFERING

Cancer, or any debilitating injury or illness cannot be viewed as an act of G.o.d which is bestowed upon an unsuspecting public as randomly as winning tickets in a perverted lottery. I reject the thought that any supreme diety would choose certain individuals to suffer and allow others to live peaceful and fulfilled lives, or through their own choice, aimless, meaningless lives; I do not feel that a G.o.d would thus inflict an individual either to punish him for wrong-doing or through suffering, make him into a stronger human. Though it may be a consolation to believe that suffering has a purpose, I believe that an individual's pain has no more divine purpose than if he'd stubbed his toe. While the mastery and acceptance of ill fortune will make a person stronger, it would then seem that everyone could benefit from grief, and G.o.d would therefore a.s.sure each person of his parcel... but it doesn't happen that way. Grief is part of existence, and while certain people may have more than "their share" as far as statistical averages follow, nature does not operate through calculated averages.

I believe cancer befalls individuals just as blight will infest a perfectly healthy tree and cut short its life expectancy. It is interesting to me that many individuals will always attempt to justify their illness in such manners in order to keep their faith intact; as far as they are concerned, a loving G.o.d must have a reason for doing such a thing to them. People have forgotten that illness is a part of life, and perhaps more prominent is the fact that many refuse to acknowledge their own mortality. Just as illness is an inherent factor in nature's infinitely complex cycle, death also belongs to the natural order of things.

"G.o.d will not give us any more than we can bear" is also a disagreeable reason (to my way of thinking) for explaining why suffering is G.o.d's gift to us. Far too often, the burden is too hard to bear and the person is unable to cope, leaving him bitter, enraged or even insane.

This cannot be pigeonholed neatly as suffering which was to the benefit of the individual... or that which was "no more than he could bear."

Moreover, why would a diety wish to dole out pain to some simply because they could "handle it" while allowing others to go their merry way through life because they would have "cracked" under the grief?

The latter group may empathize with the former lot, yet they cannot "enlarge their spiritual horizons" through observation alone. Thus, while the former group grows in insight and reflection, the latter enjoys life's surface values and are bereft of the "enjoyment" which true suffering would bring. Who, then, is the better off?

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Essay: Quality in Life

QUALITY IN LIFE

Another aspect concerning religion and death which never ceases to amaze me is the devout Christian who believes that one should strive for every possible breath 'til the end, as if life for life's sake is of foremost importance. To me, this is saying that heaven is not as great as proclaimed; if their faith, indeed, is so steadfast and secure, would not the proposition of the imminence of heaven produce more smiles than that of another painful breath of life?

I feel that life must contain an element of quality to be worth the actual existence. To me this would mean wrapping myself in thought, and perhaps, subsequently unleashing my h.o.a.rd of mind-words onto paper, where they would then remain for later perusal. My thoughts and sense of self are more precious than any physical activity I might pursue, or monetary affluence I might acquire. This fact may be the reason why I am content despite physical limitations and inconveniences and my deformity in stature. Though if it were my choice, I would most definitely elect to be of stout health, I feel that I am yet rich in the far greater facets of character; for it is one's mind which makes the person, not the body.

When I see one who is healthy, I don't envy that person, nor do I feel I "deserve" health more than "so and so" who lives a wild life but remains healthy. In fact I would never trade my life for that of someone else. I would still want my mind, body and soul. While I may detest my body's waning functions, I would not care to live in another's body a life which had no meaning. Moreover, it is not possible to know the sorrow which he might have borne, or the gripping habits which have tortured his mind. If I've ever envied a person, it was only my former, healthier self.

Moreover, quality of life reigns over the quant.i.ty of one's days. If one has attained a level of consciousness with which he is content despite ill tidings, he has reached a sense of quality in existence, no amount of time will better that which only the mind can attain; after all, what is ordinary existence but the pursuit of aspirations which shall place shelter over our heads and feed our hungry bodies? For one fostering a higher ideal of life, every day matters are not a bore or resentment; they are inherent facets of life which easily yield to accomplishment when it has been acknowledged by that individual that there are unseen elements far greater than a comfortable lifestyle which renders life meaningful.

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Essay: Bargaining and Prayer

BARGAINING AND PRAYER

The idea of "bargaining" for more time never really occurred to me, although I was quite aware that this type of reaction was often enacted by an individual whose life was to be lessened through physical incapacitation. I shall always smile to remember the movie "The End,"

wherein a terminally ill man determines that suicide is his only hope to retain dignity in death; he tries countless measures to kill himself, all of which fail due to their haphazard nature. Finally he swims out to sea in the hope that he will tire and drown, but at the last moment, decides he actually wants to live and calls upon G.o.d to give him the strength to swim ash.o.r.e, tempting G.o.d with a 50% pledge and regular attendance in church. The movie was a humorous comparison to the way in which some people truly bargain for more time; I feel that this type of reasoning can only injure the individual, especially if G.o.d should "reject" his proposal through a worsening of his condition.

A healthier alternative, which also allows for the patient to maintain his religious stance.... if indeed religion is important in his life...

is to instead "hope" for a longer life. Hope does not as easily fall into the realm of religion and therefore remains a separate source of emotional comfort; there is no dependency upon G.o.d, doctors or other people to cure him.

Given the fact that man was blessed with a mind of his own, which is essentially too complex for him to understand, it amazes me that he continues to speak of the mind of G.o.d as if bestowed with acknowledgeable characteristics, abilities, and functions. Often people will say, "G.o.d gives one the strength to bear loss... pain...

hardship... etc." as if one bereft of inner fort.i.tude can expect to be given that gift through prayer.

I have always believed it to be more fruitful to pray for strength rather than a cure when faced with terminal ailments. I do not believe that one can "lean on" G.o.d and await replenishment, since I cannot view the essence of G.o.d as a crutch or in any other way which would place Him outside of one's self. If G.o.d resides within an individual, He cannot be a crutch.

Perhaps it is better to say that one's belief in G.o.d gives him strength; for if G.o.d sent strength as an answer to prayer desiring strength, why do not all people receive the feeling of renewal? Why are some left to insanity, psychosomatic disorders or neurotic behavior? To credit G.o.d for one's strength would only serve to discredit His "unanswered" prayers, as is the case with physical disorders. I do not believe G.o.d would endow one with the fort.i.tude to deliver himself from anguish and neglect the emotional appeals of others. Housing such thoughts can be devastating.

It is one's unrealistic expectations of G.o.d that can sometimes create turmoil for an individual, which again may result from the attempt to personify G.o.d. This attempt on the part of an individual to personify his deity often results from his need to feel guarded and loved; without family or friends he can still have a heavenly father and thus is not alone. My strength comes from within, and is augmented by loving family members. I tend to think, rather than to pray, for I feel the unity of all creation is within me and encompa.s.ses all things; thus even my most quiet thoughts are not spoken in emptiness.

When people said they prayed for me, I looked at their statement as one of thoughtful kindness because it demonstrated that they cared for me and my family. Yet within, a voice would scream that praying for health misused the idea behind prayer. Although prayer means vastly different things to each individual, I like to think of prayer as a way of communing with G.o.d; while there are many who ask G.o.d for favors in prayer, to me this cheapens it. I feel it should be used for the attempt of attaining oneness with the eternal spirit and nothing more, unless it is to unify one with himself and allow him to dismiss his selfishness to think of and unite with others. This well-known quote echoes my sentiments: "G.o.d, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change those I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

To further elaborate on the subject, I would a.s.sume that an individual who divulged in prayer such a "bargain" would eventually feel the shame brought about by the realization that he would never have sought this plea or offered his humble services had he not first been stricken by physical illness. Most likely the thought would have never crossed his mind. One would think that the person would have waved G.o.d's flag in times of health and prosperity. But, as with the vast majority of people, thoughts of one's own death rarely occur to those caught up in the robust living of life. Thus guilt can both evoke, and be the product of, promises too great to keep.

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Chapter 26 Categories of Acceptance

"Even the smallest pleasures seem more meaningful when they are shared, while the tragic moments are buffered by love. "

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Categories Of Acceptance