TL Note: Felt like working on this earlier…it's a nice short story. This is just to tease my readers of my upcoming project! Princess x Regent; also, pretty sure the t.i.tle is an inside joke between them.

Translated by Novice Translations

Executive Summary: Regent you're a snake woman during the day, be good, otherwise Ben Gong will seize your whole family!

No Good, Ben Gong Will Seize Your Whole Family

　　The eldest princess Zhao Zhi is 29 years old and is the only sister of the emperor.

　　”What's the matter? Did the Regent show her face again? You tell Huang jie1, Huang jie will fix it for you!" The little princess sat in Shufang Hall on a chair and looked at her baby brother in front of her. She frowned slightly, between her eyebrows and eyes was a majestic aura. In her presence, all the eunuchs and guards in the palace held their breath and didn't dare to speak.

　　At the age of fifteen, the princess began to listen to political affairs and held half the military power of 200,000 troops. Although the first emperor, the founding emperor raised the soldiers against the previous incapable Emperor Yan and other despots. She fought decisively from capital to capital and seized the world from the hands of the rebel party. She was so famous that no one dared to be bold in front of her. Except for the Regent, who held the other half of the military power and was the commander of the army.

　　In fact, the emperor died shortly after he started his army. In the beginning, in order to stabilize the morale of the army, the 4-year-old prince was established as emperor.

　　Later, when she founded the country, she didn't know why, but she knew her younger brother was an idiot. The princess still didn't name an empress for the emperor but govern from behind the curtain2.

　　Even more strange is that the princess has gathered a group of concubines for the emperor, but she was still unmarried.

　　”Huang jie…” Her 18-year-old emperor brother was in front of her, Zhao Hao, the current emperor, he was wearing a golden yellow robe while he held his sister's thigh and cried, "Huang jie, the Regent isn't human! You must save me from this sorrowful sea of bitter suffering…I don't want to recite

>…I want to play with the general…"

　　”General? Which general?” Her Highness, the princess looked at her brother suspiciously. She couldn't believe that her family's little Yong'er will suddenly be strongly determined to succeed and a.s.sociate with a general.

　　”The general is my colorful parrot. He can talk and sing! When I'm done teaching it, I'll let it sing to Huang jie."

　　”…”

　　The palace ladies on both sides of the hall stared at the ground, and the guards looked up with their nostrils facing the top of the pillars. Their eyesight and hearing were suddenly blocked.

　　Her Royal Highness pointed at his nose and her face turned white with anger. "You, you…. you are actually…you're the monarch of this country, unexpectedly loiter with these things, trifling destroys the will3…"

　　When the little emperor saw that Huang jie was angry, he immediately turned and ran away and shouted, "Wa - Huang jie, you didn't count your words, you said that you wanted to make decisions for me…"

　　When Her Royal Highness saw the emperor running away, she said to the nearby court eunuchs and palace maids angrily, "What are you still doing? Find the emperor and bring him back!"  

　　The attendants who were too scared to move, rushed out. Everyone knows that the present country's emperor doesn't have the final say, but the Regent and Her Royal Highness does. It's better to offend the emperor than the princess. Better to offend the princess than the Regent.

　　The princess summoned the eunuch steward and asked, "Who gave the emperor the parrot? Who taught him to play with such things?"

　　The general manager eunuch, Yu Zhong reported, "Princess, young Marquis Ning gifted this to Wan Sui."

　　”Didn't Ben Gong4 said that you're not allowed to give these things to the emperor? En? Young Marquis have the impertinence to dare commit such a heinous crime?"

　　”Her Royal Highness doesn't know, His Majesty in order to get the parrot, he exchanged with little Marquis a death-free gold medal, it wasn't treason."

　　The princess was so angry that she couldn't take back the gold medal for this and it hurt her younger brother's face.

　　The general manager carefully said: “Princess, this slave wants to say boldly, don't be angry. Wan Sui5 persuaded this old man, Wan Sui isn't a fool. Wan Sui wanted this old man to teach the parrot how to sing songs and to curse at people. So that when he's not present, the parrot can accompany princess, so that it will scold the Regent and you won't be sad since …"

　　While speaking, the general manager couldn't help but burst into tears. “Your highness, you see that Wan Sui is courteous to you? Although he's a bit mentally ill, the emperor is filial to his elder sister…"

　　The princess listened to the general manager and couldn't help but feel sad in her heart. How can she be so careless, to let Yong'er see her sad appearance and caused her mentally deficient brother to worry about her? All levels of society from top to bottom, the ministers looked down at her foolish younger brother.  The original emperor wasn't happy…

　　"Ben Gong knows, won't scold him again, you go and take good care of the emperor."

　　”Yes! This slave asks to be excused.”

　　"You go too!" The princess dismissed everyone from Shufang Hall and sat alone in the palace spellbound.

　　She didn't know how much time past, but she felt a warm embrace from behind.

　　"Qing Qing, why are you crying again? Your blossom eye make-up is crying! Who bullied you? Tell me, I will seize his entire family!"

　　The princess returned to her senses and quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeves, only to find that there were no tears at all. Looking back at the innocent man, she angrily said, “You lied to me!”

　　”If my Qing Qing isn't sad, how could I be fooled?” The gentle and soft m.u.f.fled voice's moisture surrounded the princess' ear. “Tell me, why are you sad? Who bullied you?"

　　The princess was even more angry. She bit her lower lip and after a while, said, "It's the Regent! It's Lu Wu Shuang that snake woman! I want to seize her whole family and punish her nine generations!"

　　"Yes Yes… Lu Wu Shuang is a snake woman! She bullied Qing Qing, you should fight!" The man held the princess in his arms tightly, but the other hand pulled open his lapel, he looked as if he wasn't afraid of dying. "This little minister dared provoked the princess to weep, it's really sinful, come ferociously! Let her die in bed! Lu Wu Shuang and her family are here, princess must not be polite, seize (f.u.c.k?) her whole family!"

　　Zhao Zhi saw this beautiful woman with a fake beard and seriously saying ruffian words from her mouth, she shouldn't help but burst out into laughter with a "Puchi"6. Then she immediately thought she was angry with her, she gathered her face and said, "What are you doing?"

　　"I heard that I made the princess sad, so I came to make amends." The Regent Lu Wu Shuang held Zhao Zhi's hand and placed it on her chest. "Are the little ministers bullying Qing Qing?"

　　Yes you, it's you! Of course, you!” With this warm and familiar embrace, the majestic princess can no longer maintain her mask, she cried and beat Lu Wu Shuang, "It's you! You bully my younger brother, the emperor and even bully me!"

　　”Don't fight, ah, Qing Qing.” The Regent's innocent face was a little cramped. "You can touch it here, you can pinch it, but you can't beat it, Qing Qing."

　　The princess looked at her two hands on the Regent's chest and her face turned red. She spit at the Regent and flatly scolded, "You are Dengtu Zi7, so you can say it! You should be honored to copulate with Ben Gong!"

　　”Yes, it's me, it's my honor, I am Dengtu Zi.”

　　When the princess heard this, she pushed her aside and said, "Yes, you are Lu Wu Shuang but after eating the bowl and still think about the field! You are so glib-tongued, you don't know how many respectable women you've harmed!"

　　The Regent's handsome eyebrows slightly wrinkled and said, "You've wrongly accused me? Since I've met you, how can I see someone else?"

　　"Jin Guogong sent you Yangzhou thin horses to your liking?" The princess cleaned her tears and asked with a sneer.

　　The Regent quickly replied, "Hey, Qing Qing, you've wrongly accused me. Don't throw the vinegar jar on me? Those people, I didn't touch them! In all honesty…people were wrongly accused to death…"

　　”Humph, that one called Lian'er, wasn't she crying to become your concubine?"

　　"What does she think? My household by no means took her in, this household is yours, you always believe others and begin to get confused, you want to give up all the time…" The Regent flatly denied and coyly became annoying. The princess, her highness can't bear the role of a mature sister and collapsed. Then gave her a slap, "You will give me dignity!"  

　　"Don't be dignified…Qing Qing, you've wrongly accused me! It's not easy for me to produce cattle and horses for your Zhao family, to be a military commander before the age of 20, to be a housekeeper after the age of 20! I am the Regent during the day, and I warm your bed in the evening! It's not easy, Qing Qing, you have to compensate me!" Then she took the princess within her arms and went straight to the inner palace hall to the bed.

　　”You, you are presumptuous! Ben Gong wants -”

　　"You want to seize my whole family! Favor, princess don't mention it! Although I arrived, this minister has already bathe and is clean!"

　　”You this… you this… oh, no, Wu Shuang… …now… en… now it's daytime…"

　　"It's okay. It's not our first-time having s.e.x during the daytime. Come on, come here…"

　　"…"

　　Immersed in joy, the princess only had time to ask herself: How did she feel about Lu Wu Shuang who was a beautiful girl? How could she have expected her to be a kind-hearted snake woman? And how can her heart be moved by this hateful woman?

Jie - older sisterTo govern from behind the curtain (idiom) - to rule in place of the emperorTrifling destroy the will (idiom) - infatuation with fine details prevents on making progress; excessive attention to trivia saps the willBen Gong - how a royal refers to themselves at "I" in a sentenceWan Sui - Long live / Your majesty / His Majesty Puchi - same as lol Dengtu Zi - famous lecherous character

So, readers, read that last paragraph where the Regent pulls open her lapel. Do you get the joke? She's referring to herself in the third person and then tells the princess should punish her by f.u.c.king her in bed…the first time I read it I didn't understand until I got to the end of the chapter and just re-read it to PR it.