Zoey wrenched the cup out of my hand and took a sip too. Nag was the only one not to drink. He said human drinks weren't his favorite, especially the cheap kind. I had to agree, but I still took another gulp from the tankard.

"So why did you get captured?" Zoey asked.

I took in a long breath. "It's not a story I like to tell," I said.

"Come on," she cried out. "You promised you'd tell us."

"I didn't promise anything," I said.

"But you said you needed a drink to talk about it," Nag added in.

"And I spent our precious money to get you one," Zoey said.

"You're really pus.h.i.+ng this, aren't you?" I turned to our Sebyan companion.

"We have nothing else to do now," Nag said. "We're tired from the road, might as well hear a story."

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"We can look for a place to spend the night in," I suggested.

"It can wait," Zoey retorted. "Come on, don't be try to change the subject. We're not leaving until you tell us."

Nag nodded.

"Alright," I had to give it up. They were pestering me to entertain them. "I'll tell you then…"

"Well, get on with it!" Zoey cried out. "We still need to find a place to spend the night after that."

"Hold your horses," I said. "You literally just dismissed that!"  

"Pffft!" Zoey snorted. "You sound like those actors from TerreBeilly! Always whining and looking for excuses."

"Don't compare me to a Bolignois!" I cried out.

"Alright, let's calm down," Nag urged us. "We're beginning to draw attention again."

That was enough to quell my anger. That woman had a way of bringing the worst out of me. I was in no mood to tell them about my life anyway. It pained me to remember. I'd rather forget it and leave the memory there, somewhere in the deep confines of my subconscious.

"Do you know what a Listener is?" I asked Zoey.

"They say they're some kind of oracles, fortune tellers," Zoey answered. "The Church hunts them down then brings them to their Cathedral. I don't know why though. I don't think anybody knows except the Cardinal anyway. What does this have to do with your story?"

"He's trying to change the subject," Nag said.

"They call them Listeners because they can hear their Lord Dhobor's words," I said, ignoring their jeers.

"How do you know that?" she asked.

"Utar told me, when he tortured and killed the woman I loved," I said.

"It's hard imagining a woman ever loving you," she commented.

Nag snorted.

"Her name was Keira," I said. I reached for the tankard and emptied it. "We ran a mercenary company long ago. We were considered the best in the Akari Kingdom. We did escort jobs, protection jobs, fought in the war against Auruun as well. We'd made a fortune out of it as well. We were only successful because of her fortune telling."

"Do you mean –?" Nag asked.

"– that she had the gift of foresight?" Zoey cut in.

"Yes," I answered. "I never told my men about it. Keira and I ran the daily operations, and accepted jobs with the highest chance of success. It was easy money. More people joined us. We were beginning to draw attention then. We had built a name as a fearless company, ruthless, also blessed."

I stopped talking. The others were eyeing me under their hoods. The next words got stuck in my mouth. I couldn't recall that episode without trembling in rage and frustration. I got up.

"Where are you going?" Zoey asked.

"I'll get another drink," I said. "Can't speak about it yet."

I went to the tavern owner and took him up on his previous offer. Zoey was calling for me, I ignored her.

"Heard you were looking for a job," the owner said as he refilled my tankard.

"That's right," I said. The room was spinning around me. That drink was pretty strong, but my emotions were stronger, or perhaps it was my shame…

"Won't do you any harm if you checked that board over there," he said. "There's some beasts roaming about lately. Ever since that eclipse, things have gotten quite dangerous in the woods. I see you carry a weapon, maybe you'd rid us of some. The mayor pays handsomely."

I turned to see a board near the tavern's entrance. I swayed and almost fell, face first on the floor. The bartender chuckled. Zoey and Nag roared in laughter at the other end of the empty place.

"Take it easy on the drink," the owner suggested. "And try not to take any jobs today. You can't even walk straight."

I thanked the man for his generous and sound advice then danced my way to our table.

I slumped back on the chair and took another gulp. Most of it spilled on my cloak though.

"Where were we?" I asked.

"You were the ruthless and blessed company of mercenaries," Nag said.

"Ah, yes." I took another sip from the tankard. Zoey s.n.a.t.c.hed it off me, then urged me to continue to story.

"Well, it turned out Keira was targeted by the Church long before that. The day we raided her village, I was under the command of another captain. I hadn't formed my own company yet. I saved her life then took her under my wing, despite the captain's complaints. Women were only good for s.e.x and cooking, he'd say.

"Kiera was fierce though, good with a dagger too. She soon showed the captain she could be useful, and he accepted her. Our relations.h.i.+p developed over time, and we ended up splitting from our original band. We created our own, but the Church hadn't given up on their search.

"They soon found my previous captain and questioned him about the girl. He led them directly to us. You know, we had become quite the compet.i.tion. He was glad to get rid of us. I remember how Kiera begged me to stop taking jobs at some point before that, urged me to flee the country, live a normal life."

I fell silent again. I looked at the tankard in Zoey's hand. She sighed and handed it back to me. I drank some more. No amount of alcohol could prepare me to let those words out though, to relive those memories.

The alcohol went down my throat, sour as the taste in my mouth that day. I winced and tried to collect my courage. Sometimes, you don't want to remember painful memories because you don't want to face your weakness, your cowardice, your shame. That was exactly my case, and I couldn't bring myself to talk despite my companions' stares.

"Let me guess," Zoey said as I was emptying the cup. "Utar found you, and ordered his men to kill all of yours."

"Pretty much," I said, my voice quivering. Hearing that name was enough to make me tremble in fear and anger. They both go hand in hand. "Utar didn't order his men to kill anybody though. He singlehandedly destroyed my entire company, three hundred men. Utar's men just stood there and watched, as the Priest demonstrated his might."

"The Church is that strong?" Nag asked.

"Starting from Priest," I answered, "you're pretty much a beast in human form."

"What happened after that?" Zoey asked.

"You relish others' misery," I said, clenching my jaw and my fist around the tankard.

"Your people died." Zoey shrugged. "It happens to many others, every day."  

My fist clenched around the tankard even tighter. I would have broken the thing if it were gla.s.s.

"Utar tied me up and made me watch the slaughter," I went on with my tragic story. "As he killed and tortured my men, I watched, helpless. I remember his men laughing as my own begged for their life. But the Priest was merciless, as we were to our enemies before that.

"He'd left Kiera last. She was the show's climax, he told me. He said she was soiled by human desire. The Lord only accepted virgins."

I took another long gulp from the tankard, it was almost empty now. "Do you know what that b.a.s.t.a.r.d did? What the representative of Lord Dhobor's values did?"

I was yelling then. I think the anger and fear, mixed with alcohol had completely taken over. Zoey and Nag watched me in silence. They knew what I was about to say, but that didn't prepare them for it either. I wasn't prepared for it then, nor was I prepared to talk about it earlier, but I had started, might as well finish it.

" He placed her before my eyes. He made the others fix my head, force me to watch as he first raped her. It was the longest day of my life, and I can't imagine how my poor Kiera felt. He had his men take turns. She wailed, screamed and cried. They beat her, laughed as they did. Their laughter still haunts my days and nights, but not as much as Utars…"

I went silent for a while again. Zoey's eyes were quivering. She took the tankard from me and took another sip. Nag remained quiet. I was shaking, trying to control the rage that was building up. When I spoke next, my voice was but a whisper.

"He whipped her, spent the entire night doing so. His men would kick me and force me to watch, force me to listen to her pleas. She was begging to die, cursing the day she'd ever met me." I let out a wry smile as I shot a short glance at Zoey. "A lot of people seemed to do the same ever since that day."

Zoey answered with a weak smile, tears dripping from the corner of her eyes

"After her back and legs were torn apart by the Priest's whip," I went on. It felt better to talk about it now, despite the helplessness and fury I felt. It was better to let it all out. "He proceeded to cutting her arms, then legs. He let her bleed to death, and made me watch as life slowly dimmed from her eyes. He then beheaded her and made me carry her head while he dragged me to the Kozagan border."

"Nasty humans," Nag commented in a hushed tone. Zoey remained silent, unable to comment anymore.

"Well, that wasn't the end of it either," I told them. "He took her from me again. Then he told me he'll go for my family. My men, who he tortured, told him I was from Kozag, Yanoku. He said he'll find my family and wipe them out, for the crime of stealing the Church's property."

"Zedd," Zoey whispered. "I shouldn't have asked you to tell us the story."

"Did he get them?" Nag asked.

Zoey removed her hood and shot the Sebyan a venomous look.

"What?" he asked. "He's almost done. We can't leave it there without closure."

"It's alright," I said. "I started, might as well finish it."

I turned to the Sebyan and gave him a weak nod. Telling them about my past was actually of great relief. I'd bottled it up for so long. If I had done so any longer, I think I would've lost my purpose again. Telling it made it real. It made me remember my promise to avenge my family's death, my men's, and most importantly, Kiera's.

"Utar gave me a head start. He asked me to run and save my family if I could. He toyed with me. I was slower, and the desert is hard to go through without a mount. When I reached the city, Utar was the Chancellor's honored guest. I got in touch with a childhood friend, asked him to help me free them."

"Is that Sam?" Zoey asked. "That boy who was with Utar back in the Crucible?"

"Yes," I said. "His aunt was Agatha, the woman who manipulated you into stabbing Raiya. What were you thinking by the way?"

"That's not about me," Zoey protested. "So Agatha gave up your family?"

"Yes," I said. "They were executed. Utar put their heads on poles and displayed them on the city gates. I couldn't reach them on time…"

"So, in a fit of rage you attacked the Priest," Zoey said. "That's how you got captured."

"No," I said. My voice was croaked.

Something got stuck in my throat. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was finally time for everything I had bottled up to resurface. I couldn't speak. My eye got clouded. I felt as though something was slas.h.i.+ng at my heart. It wasn't the kind of physical pain you wince at, but the kind that cuts deep, renders you immobile, unable to think or speak.

I felt a warm liquid seep from the corner of my eye. My entire body s.h.i.+vered. I felt the tears welling up in my eye. That bile in my throat was getting bigger, ready to explode into uncontrollable sobs.

I didn't want to give in. That helplessness is what drove me mad, and I felt helpless now, more than ever. I tried to speak, but my lips were shuddering. Words came out, but even I couldn't know what they meant.

 In my mind's eye, I pictured Keira's head, her mouth open, staring at me as I was pulled by Utar's horse. I pictured Lyanna, my poor little sister. She was six when she died. I could clearly picture her head on the pole now. Her eyes were closed, her skin pale. My mother was put right next to her.

That pain again… That deep sinking sensation in my heart…

Father was the last one to die. He was crucified, whipped day and night. His screams haunted my dreams after I escaped. Utar! That b.a.s.t.a.r.d laughed as he whipped him, drove nails through his only remaining knee. They didn't deserve it, but they all died because of me, of my foolishness, of something I called love.

I hated myself for a long time, then I directed that hate to Utar.

Tears streamed down my right cheek. Zoey pushed the tankard toward me. I took it without a word, and emptied it.

"I ran," I told them. "I ran after my parent's death…"

"Don't say anymore," Nag urged me. His voice was also faint, croaked.

Zoey's eyes had reddened. Her puffed cheekbones turned pink.

"Well, that's one h.e.l.l of a way to celebrate our escape from the tunnels," I said then chuckled nervously. Zoey answered me with a weak smile.

"I didn't know," she said, her head bowed, her hair covering most of her face. "I shouldn't have... I'm sorry…"

"It's alright," I said then wiped my own tears away. "It's in the past. I have to focus on reaching Merinsk now."

"How about we find a place to spend the night?" Nag asked. "Can you move?"

"Let's leave him here and search for a place ourselves," Zoey suggested.

"Is it wise to take him?" I asked her, jerking my head toward Nag.

"He'll be my bodyguard," she said. "We won't cause any trouble, promise."