'Tristan, I don't know who you are in there.'

He did not know, because he had not been there. He did not know that I had hidden in the darkness of the Feu Follet for eleven years, that I had worked each day on all the tricks he taught me and then lost interest in, that I could do things no doctor could ever have predicted, that I could juggle, tumble, stand on one hand.

I wiped my wet synthetic fur with his dainty little guest towel.

'You ... want ... to ... know ... who ... I ... am?'

'I'm sorry,' he frowned. 'Mrs Kram is waiting.'

'I'll ... show ... you.'

If he had told me who Mrs Kram was, I might have acted differently.

*In Efica, unlike Voorstand, it is perfect manners to serve meat at a formal meal. [TS] [TS]

39.

Jacqui was sitting beside Clive Baarder, wondering if it would be rude to lean across the table and take the bottle of wine from in front of Peggy Kram, when she heard behind her a light b.u.mping sound, like a baby falling down the stairs. Turning sideways in her ornate high-backed chair, she saw the Mouse tumbling.

I saw her see me.

I saw her embarra.s.sment, the slow motion of her hand coming to cover her eyes. As she turned in her chair, I completed my gymnastic entrance, twisting in mid-air. I landed, feet astride, my back to her.

Chubby red-cheeked Clive Baarder the gold-toothed gjent who had earlier faced me in karate pose now retreated towards the sofa by the window.

The tall hollow-cheeked athletic man, Difebaker the posturer, stood in order to see me better.

But the queen-like Peggy Kram stayed seated at the head of the table one jewelled hand across her pretty mouth, her other hand outstretched, grasping the slender neck of the Mersault bottle. This one, let me tell you, no matter what she hinted later in her deposition, was not embarra.s.sed. She raised her gla.s.s and sipped the straw-coloured wine but her clear blue eyes never left me.

Thus Mrs Kram became my audience. She was awake, alive to the moment. As for the host, he had followed me into the room and was now behind me out of sight. I confess that I forgot him.

'Well,' the lady said in a small breathy voice, which still carried the glottal stops of the desert regions near the eastern border. 'Well, how about that thing?'

She clapped her hands together softly.

'Those things things are dangerous,' said Clive Baarder, blinking anxiously. are dangerous,' said Clive Baarder, blinking anxiously.

He was now back on the sofa, his short legs crossed, an embroidered velvet cushion placed protectively across his pinstriped lap. 'You know that, Peggy,' he said. 'You d.a.m.n all know it well as I do.'

But no one looked at Clive Baarder. They looked at me. What did they think I was? I did not know. I was kneeling, holding out my arms, looking straight at Peggy Kram's clear wilful eyes.

Clive Baarder felt himself compelled to stand, and, whilst obviously most reluctant to do it, walked behind Jacqui's chair to be a little closer to me.

'Last time I saw one of these things, Peggy ... Peggy. Peggy.'

'Yes,' said Peggy absently.

My knees were sore, and yet I feared to break the spell by standing.

'It caught on fire,' Clive Baarder said, 'in a gondel in the Kakdorp. I saw it. I was up on the Colonnade near St Oloff's with Dirk Juta.'

'Dirk will be there tomorrow,' Mrs Kram said absently.

'Yes, and it caught on fire. They pushed it off near the Dagloner Ka.n.a.l and it floated down for miles, still burning.'

'Peggy,' said Martel Difebaker in the careful rounded tones of the professional Sirkus cla.s.s. He was almost opposite me, next to Mrs Kram. 'One really must conclude that it is not a Simi.'

Mrs Kram broke her yellow egg-bread, and sipped her wine, still staring at me with such intensity that I began to blush inside my mask. Any moment, I felt, she would ask my father who I really was. But I did not know her history or her pa.s.sions. She was from the Zeelung border where the Settlers Free first settled, where the Bruder stories are set, where we Eficans saw the sculpted feet of Bruder Dog rise from the desert floor. She was also a collector of artefacts, a connoisseur of folk art. She liked to show her expertise. 'This is absolutely not a Simi,' she declared.

Bill sat himself down next to the place where I continued kneeling. He talked over my head to Mrs Kram.

'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'This is totally my fault.'

What was he apologizing for? Peggy Kram frowned and pursed her lips.

'On every side,' Bill said.

'This is not a Simulacrum?' said Clive Baarder, now approaching the table, still holding the small black velvet cushion. 'What is it?'

'Easier to say what it is not,' said Martel Difebaker, arranging his long and supple fingers so they rested on the tip of his pointed chin. 'Not a Simulacrum. Not a child.'

This was the place where Bill Millefleur might have performed the formal introduction of his son. But now he feared that he had acted in bad karakter by bringing me to table in my costume. He shut his mouth and held on tight, hoping it would work out for the best.

'You're not a dwarf?' Peggy Kram said to me. Her hair was gorgeous, a wild tangle of a mane. As she spoke, she pushed it back from her eye.

It was then I heard Wally sigh. For some time I had been aware of him in the corner of my eye, but now he was glowing with a sort of fury, blowing out his cheeks and wiping his bald head with his big freckled hands. 'Don't make a fool of yourself,' he hissed.

This comment created a strange little silence while all the Voorstanders, Mrs Kram included, looked briefly at the tablecloth.

Then Martel Difebaker spoke. 'This is absolutely not a dwarf. I work with dwarfs Serango, all those gjents. Can you imagine Serango's head inside that suit?'

'Tristan!' persisted Wally. persisted Wally.

Again the Voorstanders looked down at the tablecloth.

'Who is Tristan?' Clive Baarder asked when they looked up.

I was on the brink. I saw it coming. I was the girl in the cake. Now I would be forced to unmask. It was then, before anyone could speak, that I leapt up into Peggy Kram's lap. I knew I risked offence, but I was walking on the slack rope. I had to go forward.

Peggy Kram squealed. And held her hands up. I would not have planned it, but the hands went up, the hands came down, and when they did my head was nestled between her generous b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

Jacqui closed her eyes. Wally held his bald head in his hands everything I saw saw told me I had committed a faux pas, but neither Jacqui nor Wally could told me I had committed a faux pas, but neither Jacqui nor Wally could feel feel the heat of Peggy Kram. I could, right through my suit. I could smell her hair, her skin. the heat of Peggy Kram. I could, right through my suit. I could smell her hair, her skin.

'A humorist,' she said.

In the mirror I saw her take my mouse's soft ear between her fingers and stroke it.

'But what is it?' said Clive Baarder. 'I'd want to know, Peg, before I let it put its nose ...'

'Oh, that's a joke,' said Peggy Kram. 'That is a joke, coming from you. Of all the people to ...'

'All right Peggy, that's enough.'

'Of all the people.'

'That's enough.' enough.'

'You know what the trouble is? We are all so knowledgeable. We know what makes rainbows refract light. Love is all to do with DNA.'

'Not really DNA.'

'Yes, DNA.'

Bill sat down and began to eat his bread, tearing it apart and slathering it with b.u.t.ter.

'DNA or not, this is obviously not the actual Bruder Mouse.'

I peeked a look at Mrs Kram. I snuggled back down into her breast. She put her hand around my neck.

'Peggy?' said Clive Baarder, his lips wet and wobbly, his voice rising incredulously.

Peggy Kram did not answer.

Clive Baarder began to arrange his cutlery with great fastidiousness.

'You believe in St Francis and Jesus Christ?' Peggy Kram asked him. 'You believe the birds talked to Jesus that's what you believe am I right?'

'Of course. Peg.'

'Well, I'll tell you this, Clive,' said Kram, leaning across me to take her gla.s.s of wine and releasing with this gesture a giddy rush of jasmine. 'We owned Simis. We owned two hundred of them. When they banned them in Saarlim, we bought them for the Ghostdorps. This is not a Simulacrum. It does not move like one, or feel like one. And all I am saying to you, why do you want to explain it ...'

'I wasn't.'

'Why do you have to ruin everything by making it less than it is?' She turned my head. As she did so I caught a glimpse of Wally and saw his old grey eyes looking at me sourly.

'I could take him home,' she said, kissing my nose. 'I really could.'

You can understand, I'm sure, why I was under the impression that I was a social success. I was elated, aroused, almost tipsy on her perfume, and so it took a little time for me to look beyond myself, to see my father's pale and stricken face, Malide's comforting hand on his thigh, and it was only then when it was too late to change what I had done that I began to fear I had done my dab some damage.

40.

In Efica everyone imagined that Bill Millefleur was famous in Saarlim, whereas, as you know, he was just one of perhaps two thousand performers employed in the Sirkus, and that particular show-the Sirkus Brits involving as it did both drama and animals, was as peripheral to Saarlim life as the gentlemen from India who played cricket on the outskirts of the city on Sunday afternoons.

My father had worked hard to make a place for himself in his adopted city. He had worked as hard with history books in Saarlim as he had once, long ago, worked on politics in Chemin Rouge. And just as the scrawny circus boy had learned Rimbaud and Lukacs off by heart, so the handsome man with spangles on his suit soon knew Voorstandish history like a scholar. He knew the Bruder tales, the famous sites, the battlegrounds against the Dutch and British. He could recite 'Pers Nozegard' in Old Dutch, and yet, for all the pa.s.sion he had expended, he was still an Ootlander, and no matter how much he pretended to the contrary, he found your etiquettes stiff and uncomfortable. He felt his own obedience to your customs a compromise, and when he watched me leap through the air and land in Mrs Kram's lap, he believed himself shamefully exposed: he was a fraud, an ill-mannered barbarian, an Ootlander, a host with poor karakter. He watched Mrs Kram coo, argue, play with my ears, but he had long ago learned that Saarlimites could behave like this and still despise you. And despised was what he felt.

When he shut the door on Mrs Kram and her friends at four a.m., he imagined his guests cl.u.s.tered together in the elevator, raising eyebrows, sighing, and what depressed him and he was very depressed, you could see it in his slumped shoulders as he came back from the door was not the loss of a possible employer but his own lack of authenticity, that he should have allowed himself to be placed in this position where their opinion of him would matter.

He was not a Voorstander. He never had been. As he began to walk back to the cluttered dining table he began to talk to us about a strip of land out at Goat Marshes where he had often gone riding with my maman a lonely windswept place where a muddy estuary met the sea. He hardly paused to dismiss the two helpers in the kitchen, and then he produced a large bottle of very rough red wine which he poured for everyone, remembering (even while he described the Arab stallion he had once owned) to fetch me a straw.

His grief had the paradoxical effect of dignifying him. He still wore the slightly vulgar sparkling suit, the lizardskin boots, but when he brought me my wine in both hands, this shining actor's garb took on a priestly, or even kingly, aspect.

'To Efica,' he said, still standing. 'To us Eficans.' He began to raise his gla.s.s in a toast, then lowered it.

Malide reached out to him from her chair. 'Don't do this,' she said.

He swayed his body back, away from the reach of her long white fingers. 'Don't do what?' what?' he said, his eyes suddenly slit. he said, his eyes suddenly slit.

'Everything's all right, hunning,' she said. 'I think she was charmed.'

'Speaking as an outsider,' Jacqui began, but Bill cut right across her.

'Bulls.h.i.t she was charmed,' he said to Malide, so roughly that I saw her wince. 'Bulls.h.i.t 'Bulls.h.i.t she was. I know you people. You're so f.u.c.king j.a.panese.' she was. I know you people. You're so f.u.c.king j.a.panese.'

Perversely, it was then, when he was unlovely, that I finally loved him freely. It was this sadness that made me trust him and I was ashamed of my childish jealousy earlier in the night.

'I'm ... sorry ... I ... behaved ... stupidly.'

My father turned towards my voice, frowning and rubbing his hands across his wan and uncomprehending face.

I was ready, at this moment, to step out from behind my disguise, and probably would have had not Wally chosen to rise from his chair like an old vulture, all shining scalp and glowering brows.

'Stupidly?' the old man said to me in a voice as abrasive as the legs of his chair sc.r.a.ping across the floor. 'You didn't do anything the old man said to me in a voice as abrasive as the legs of his chair sc.r.a.ping across the floor. 'You didn't do anything stupidly. stupidly. What you did was act as if your brain was in your baton.' He stood at his place, his arms out from his side, his elbows bent, glaring at me. What you did was act as if your brain was in your baton.' He stood at his place, his arms out from his side, his elbows bent, glaring at me.

There was a silence. I looked at Bill. His skin had lost its shine. When he tried to smile at me, he succeeded in looking merely puffy. 'For Chrissake, mo-ami,' Wally said. 'This is your father's home. These were important people. Even I could see that. What you did was ugly and embarra.s.sing.'

'Did ... I ... screw ... something ... up?' I asked my father.

'I'm so very pleased to see Tristan,' Bill said. 'Nothing else is so important.'

'Did ... I ... screw ... something ... up ... for ... you?'

'Yes,' Wally said, so agitated that he began to pile knives and forks on to the delicate blue and white Dutch china.

'Leave it, please,' Malide said.

But Wally was too upset to leave anything. He carried the dangerously stacked plates and cutlery into the kitchen, his head down, his elbows out, his shoes shuffling rapidly across the floor. 'You screwed it up,' he called back over his shoulder. 'It's pretty obvious, even to an Efican.'