But it isn't their spirits that She blends, it's the man's essence, and maybe a special essence of the woman, too. I'm certain Jonayla was started right after Jondalar and I got down from the glacier, that first morning when we woke up and shared Pleasures."

"You say you thought about it for a long time. What made you think of it in the first place?" Zelandoni asked.in front. He looked something like Echozar, except I think his body will be more like ours when he grows up. He was never as thick or as stocky as Clan boys, and his legs were long and straight, not bowed like Echozar's.

He was a mixture, but he was strong and healthy."

"Echozar is mixed, but his mother was Clan. When would she have shared Pleasures with a man like us? Why would a man like us want to share Pleasures with a flathead woman?" Zelandoni asked.

"Echozar told me his mother had been cursed with death because her mate had been killed when he tried to protect her from a man of the Others.

When they found out she was pregnant, they let her stay, until Echozar was born," Ayla said. Jonayla had let go of the nipple and was fussing a bit.

Ayla put her over her shoulder and patted her back.

"You mean a man like us forced his mother? I suppose such things happen, but I can't understand them," Zelandoni said.

"It happened to one of the women I met at the Clan Gathering. She had a daughter who was mixed. She said she was forced by some men of the Others, men who looked like me, she said. Her own daughter was killed"She asked me to talk to Brun, the leader of my clan, to arrange a mat- ing between her daughter, Ura, and my Durc. She was afraid her daughter would never find a mate otherwise. I thought it was a good idea. Durc was deformed in the eyes of the Clan, too, and would have just as much trouble finding a mate. Brun agreed. Now Ura is promised to Durc. After the next Clan Gathering, she is supposed to move to Brun's clan... no, it's Broud's clan now. She must be there by now. I don't think Broud will be very kind to her." Ayla paused, thinking about Ura having to move to a strange clan. "It will be hard for her to leave her clan, and her mother who loves her, and move to a clan where she might not be very welcome. I hope Durc turns out to be the kind of man who will help her." Ayla shook her head, then the baby let out a little burp, and she smiled. She left her propped up on her shoulder for a while longer, still patting her back.

"Jondalar and I heard several other stories on our Journey about young men of the Others forcing women of the Clan. I think it's something they like to dare each other to do, but the people of the Clan don't like it."

"I suspect you're right, Ayla, much as the thought distresses me. Some young men seem to enjoy doing whatever they are not supposed to. But tomutoi people you lived with, isn't it?" Zelandoni asked.

"Yes. His mother was Clan, and like them, he couldn't really speak, ex- cept for a few sounds that no one could understand very well. He was a weak child. That's why he died. Nezzie said Rydag's mother was alone, and followed them. That's not like women of the Clan. She must have been cursed for some reason, or she would not have been alone, especially not so far along in her pregnancy. And she must have known someone of the Others, someone who treated her kindly, or she would have hid from the Mamutoi, not followed them. Perhaps it was the man who started Rydag."

"Perhaps," was all Zelandoni said. But thinking about those who were mixed, she wondered if Ayla knew any more about Echozar. She was more interested in him, since he had been accepted by Dalanar's people and allowed to mate Jerika's daughter. "What about Echozar's mother? You said she was cursed? I'm not sure what that means."

"She was shunned, ostracized. She was considered a 'bad luck' woman, because her mate was killed when she was attacked, and especially after she gave birth to a 'deformed' child. The Clan doesn't like mixed children, either. A man named Andovan found her alone, ready to die with her babyShe paused again, her eyes getting misty. "Durc could have learned to talk, if he'd had somebody to teach him. He talked a little before I left, and he could laugh. How could they think Durc would look like the Clan if he was my baby? Born to me? But he didn't look like me, either, not like Jonayla does, and he wouldn't, if it was Broud that started him."

"Who is this Broud?"

"He was Ebra's son, she was Brun's mate. Brun was the leader of the clan. He was a good leader. Broud was the one who made me leave the clan when he became leader. I grew up with him hating me. He always hated me," Ayla said.

"But you say he was the one who started the child you had? And you think that comes from sharing Pleasures. Why did he want to share Pleas- ures with you if he hated you?" Zelandoni asked.

"There was no sharing of Pleasures with him. No Pleasure in it for me.

Broud forced me. I don't know why he did it the first time, but it was horri- ble. He hurt me. I hated it and I hated him for doing it. He knew I hated it,"I can't understand that," the donier said. "Why would a man even want a woman if she didn't want him?"

"I don't think Clan women minded too much. They even had little ways to encourage a man to give them the signal. Iza told me about them, but I never wanted to use them. Certainly not with Broud. I hated it so much, I couldn't eat, I didn't want to get up in the morning, I didn't want to leave Creb's hearth. But when I found out I was going to have a baby, I was so happy, I didn't even care about Broud anymore. I just put up with him, and ignored him. He stopped after that. It wasn't fun for him if I didn't resist, if he couldn't force me against my will."

"You said you could only count eleven years when your child was born?

You were very young, Ayla. Most girls are not even women yet, at that age.

A few may become women that young, but not most."

"I was old for the Clan, though. Some girls of the Clan become women at seven years, and by the time they can count ten years, most girls have become women. Some of Brun's clan thought I would never become a woman. They thought I would never have children, because my totem was too strong for a woman," Ayla said."Attaroa of the S'Armunai hated men. She kept them locked up. She would not allow them to share the Gift of Pleasure with women. The women shared their homes with other women. Attaroa thought if she did away with men, the spirits of women would be forced to blend and they would have only girls, but it wasn't working. Some of the women shared Pleasures, but they could not couple, they could not mix their essences. Very few children were born."

"But some children were born?" Zelandoni asked.

"Some, but they weren't all girls-Attaroa crippled two of the boys. Most of the women did not feel the way Attaroa did. Some of them sneaked in to visit their men, some of the women Attaroa used to guard the men helped them. The women with children were the ones who had a man to share their fires the first night the men were free. They were the ones who were mated, or wanted to be. I think the only reason they had children was be- cause they visited a man. It wasn't that they shared a hearth and were to- gether long enough for a man to show he was worthy so his spirit would be chosen. They saw their men seldom, and only for a little while, barely longbe quite upset. I have wondered sometimes why Doni made men. It is true that women could take care of themselves and each other if they had to. I have even wondered why she made male animals. Mother animals often take care of their young alone, and the males and females don't spend much time together, only at certain times of the year when they share Pleasures."

Ayla felt encouraged to press her point. "When I lived with the Mamutoi, there was a man of the Lion Camp. His name was Ranee and he lived with Wymez, the flint-knapper."

"The one Jondalar talks about?"

"Yes. Wymez went on a very long Journey when he was a young man, he could count ten more years before he returned. Wymez traveled south of the Great Sea, around the eastern end of it, and then west again. He mated a woman he met there, and was trying to bring her and her son back to the Mamutoi, but she died on the way. He brought only the son of his mate with him when he returned. He told me his mate had skin almost as black as night, all of her people did. She had Ranee after they were mated and Wymez said he looked different from all the other children because heelse there was black except Wymez, wouldn't there be many more black spirits for his mother's spirit to mix with? They were mated, they must have shared Pleasures." She looked at her baby, then at Zelandoni again. "It would have been interesting to see what our children would have looked like if I had joined with Ranee."

"That's who you were going to mate?"

Ayla smiled. "He had laughing eyes, and smiling white teeth. He was clever and funny, he made me laugh, and he was the best carver I have ever seen. He made a special donii for me, and a carving of Whinney. He loved me. He said he wanted to join with me more than anything he ever wanted in his life. He looked like no one I have ever seen, before or since.

He was so different, even his features were different. I was fascinated by him. If I hadn't already loved Jondalar, I could have loved Ranee."

"If he was all that, I don't blame you," Zelandoni said, smiling back. "It's interesting, there are rumors about some dark-skinned people living with a Cave to the south, beyond the mountains on the shore of the Great Sea. A young man and his mother, it was said. I never really believed it, you neversaid. "Many children bear a similarity to the mate of the mother, but there are some who look like other men of the Cave, some who hardly know the mother at all."

"It could have happened during a festival or ceremony to honor the Mother. Don't many women share Pleasures with men who are not their mates then?" Ayla asked.

Zelandoni was quiet, thinking. "Ayla, this idea of yours will require deep thought, and consideration. I don't know if you understand the implications.

If it is true, it would cause changes that neither you nor I can even imagine.

Such a revelation could only come from the zelandonia, Ayla. No one would accept such an idea unless they believed it came from one who speaks for the Great Earth Mother Herself. Who have you talked to about this?"

"Only Jondalar, and now you," Ayla said.

"I suggest that you say nothing to anyone else just yet. I will talk to Jon- dalar and impress upon him the necessity of speaking to no one, either."

They both sat quietly, immersed in their own thoughts.that he was planning to come back here and build our home, but there was more to it than that. He said something about wanting a purpose. 'What's a man's purpose if women have children and provide for them, too?' That's how he said it. I never thought about a purpose for living before. What would it feel like to think my life had no meaning?"

"You can carry that a step further, Ayla. You know part of your purpose is to bring forth the next generation, but what is the purpose of having an- other generation? What is the purpose of life?"

"I don't know. What is the purpose of life?" Ayla asked.

Zelandoni laughed. "If I could answer that, I'd be equal to the Great Mother Herself, Ayla. Only She can answer that question. There are many who claim our purpose is to honor Her. Perhaps our purpose is just to live, and to care for the next generation so that they may live. That may be the best way to honor Her. The Mother's Song says She made us because She was lonely, that She wanted to be remembered, and acknowledged. But there are those who say there is no purpose. I doubt if that question can be answered in this world, Ayla. I'm not sure if it can be answered in the next.""It's not the same. Perhaps you could have had children, and if you could not, you are still a woman. You still belong to the gender that brings forth life," Ayla said.

"But we are all human. Including men. We're all just people. Both men and women continue on to the next generation. Women have boys as often as they have girls," the donier said.

"That's just it. Women have boys as often as girls. What do the men have to do with it? If you felt that you and all of your kind had no part in creating that next generation, would you feel as human? Or would you feel less important? Something added on at the last moment, something un- necessary?" Ayla was leaning forward, strongly making her points, pas- sionate in her feelings about them.

Zelandoni pondered the question, then looked at the serious face of the young woman with the sleeping baby in her arms. "You belong to the zelandonia, Ayla. You argue as well as any of them," she said.

Ayla pulled back. "I don't want to be a Zelandoni," she said."You said you assisted your Mamut a few times in some of his other du- ties, didn't you find it interesting?" said the One Who Was First.

"It was interesting," Ayla conceded, "especially learning things I didn't know, but it was frightening, too."

"How much more frightening would it have been if you had been alone and unprepared? Ayla, you are a daughter of the Mammoth Hearth. Mamut had a reason for adopting you. I can see it, I think you can, too. Look inside yourself. Have you ever been frightened by something strange and unfa- miliar when you were alone?"

Ayla refused to look at Zelandoni, looking away, and then down, but she nodded just slightly.

"You know there is something different about you, something few peo- ple have, don't you? You try to ignore it, put it out of your mind, but it's diffi- cult sometimes, isn't it?"bility is there, no matter how much you may want to deny it to yourself."

"But doesn't the preparation in itself make it more likely?" Ayla asked.

"Yes. It does. But it can be interesting. I'll be honest with you. I want an acolyte. I don't have too many years left. I want the one who follows me to be trained by me. This is my Cave. I want the best for it. I am First Among Those Who Serve The Great Earth Mother. I don't say this often, but I am not First without reason. If a person is gifted, no one could train her better than I can. You are gifted, Ayla.

You are, perhaps, more gifted than I am. You could be First," Zelandoni said.

"What about Jonokol?" Ayla asked.

"You should know the answer to that. Jonokol is an excellent artist. He was happy to remain an acolyte. He never wanted to become a Zelandoni, until you showed him that cave. You know he'll be gone by next summer.

He will move to the Nineteenth Cave as soon as he can get the Zelandoni of the Nineteenth to accept him, and find an excuse to leave me. He wantsdeveloped. It still isn't up to his quality, but I think with practice, I may get close. I can see all kinds of possibilities. I can remove those long thin flakes, now. That means I can make points almost as thin as I want, and get a long straight edge for a knife or a spear, without the curve that you always get when you start with a blade detached from a core. I can even straighten those blades more easily with careful retouching on the inner side of both ends of a Curved blade. I can make any kind of notch I want. I can make shouldered points with a tang for hafting. You can't believe the control it gives me. I can do anything I want. It's almost like bending the stone to your will. That Wymez is a genius!"

Ayla smiled at him going on and on. "Wymez may be a genius, Jonda- lar, but you are just as good," she said.

"I only wish I were. Remember, he developed the process. I'm only try- ing to copy it. It's too bad he lives so far away. But I am grateful for the time I had with him. I wish Dalanar were here. He said he was going to experi- ment this winter, too, and I'd really like to discuss it with him."

Jondalar examined the blade again, looking it over critically. Then he looked up and smiled at her. "I almost forgot to tell you. I am definitely go-Jondalar smiled at her words. One's mate always made favorable com- parisons, he said to himself, but at a deeper level, he thought it might be true. "Would it be all right if he stays with us all the time?"

"I think I would like that. We have so much room in the main room, we can take part of it to make him a sleeping room," she said. "I hope the baby doesn't disturb him. Jonayla still wakes up at night."

"Young men tend to be sound sleepers. I don't think he even hears her."

"I have been meaning to talk to you about something Zelandoni said,"

Ayla said.

Jondalar thought she looked a bit troubled. It was probably his imagina- tion.

"Zelandoni asked me to be her acolyte. She wants to train me," Ayla blurted out.Jonokol has been an acolyte for a long time," Ayla said, looking down at the vegetables she was cutting.

Jondalar walked over to her and lifted her chin to look directly at her.

Her eyes did look troubled. "Ayla, everyone knows the only reason Jonokol is Zelandoni's acolyte is because he's such a good artist, he captures the spirit of animals with great skill, and Zelandoni needs him for the ceremo- nies. He will never be a donier."

"He might. Zelandoni says he wants to move to the Nineteenth Cave,"

Ayla said.

"It's that new cave you found, isn't it?" Jondalar said. "Well, he'd be the right person for it. But if you become an acolyte, you would become a Zelandoni, wouldn't you?"

Ayla still could not refuse to answer a direct question or tell a lie. "Yes, Jondalar," she said. "I think someday I would be Zelandoni, if I join the zelandonia, but not right away."ing. It bothered her, but she still didn't tell him.

It was Jondalar's turn to look troubled. "There isn't much I can say about it, one way or another. It's your choice. It probably is best to be prepared.

You don't know how you scared me when you and Mamut made that strange Journey. I thought you were dead, and I begged the Great Mother to bring you back. I don't think I ever begged for anything so hard in my life, Ayla. I hope you never do anything like that again."

"I thought it was you, not at first, but later. Mamut said someone called us back, called with such force, it could not be denied. I thought I saw you there when I came back to myself, but then I didn't see you," Ayla said.

"You were promised to Ranee. I didn't want to be in the way," Jondalar said, vividly recalling that terrible night.

"But you loved me. If you hadn't loved me so much, my spirit might still be lost in that empty void. Mamut said he would never go there again like that, and he told me that if I ever take that Journey again, I should make sure I have strong protection, or I might not return." Suddenly she reachedmate of a Zelandoni? He thought about his mother and Dalanar. She said he had not been able to stay with her because she was the leader. The demands on a Zelandoni are even greater.

Everyone said he was just like Dalanar, there was no doubt he was the son of Dalanar's spirit. But Ayla says it was not just spirits. She says Jonayla is my daughter. If she is right, then I must be Dalanar's son! The thought stunned him. Could he be as much Dalanar's son as he was Mar- thona's? If he was, would he be so much like him that he would not be able to live with a woman whose duties were so important? It was a very dis- turbing idea.

He felt Ayla shaking in his arms and looked at her. "What's wrong, Ayla?"

"I'm afraid, Jondalar. That's why I don't want to do it. I'm afraid to be Zelandoni," she sobbed. She quieted down and pulled away. "The reason I'm so afraid, Jondalar, is that things have happened to me that I never told you."

"What kind of things?" he asked, his forehead wrinkled in a frown.I didn't think the mog-urs would allow me to make it-they said I wasn't Clan-but then Creb came and told me to prepare myself. It was the same drink I made for Mamut and me when we took our strange Journey.

"But I didn't know how to do it right, and I ended up drinking some of it, too. I didn't even know where I was going when I followed the mog-urs back into the cave. The drink was so powerful, I may have already been in the Spirit World. When I saw the mog-urs I hid and watched, but Creb knew I was there. I told you Creb was a powerful magician. He was like Zelandoni, First, The Mog-ur. He was directing everything, and somehow my mind joined with theirs. I went back with them, back to the beginnings. I can't explain it, but I was there. As we came back to the present, we came to this place. Creb blocked out the others, they didn't know I was with them, but then he left them and followed me. I know it was this place, I recognized the Falling Stone. The Clan lived here for generations, I can't tell you how long."

In spite of himself, Jondalar was fascinated. "Long ago we started from the same people," Ayla continued, "but then we changed. The Clan was left behind when we went ahead. As powerful as he was, Creb couldn't follow me, but he saw something, or felt something. Then he told me to leave, getsomething to me, too. I've been different since then, my dreams feel differ- ent, and sometimes I feel strange, as though I go away someplace else, and-I don't know how to say it, but it's like I know what people are thinking sometimes. No, that's not quite it, either, it's more like I know what they are feeling, but that's not exactly right, either. What they are, I don't know the right words, Jondalar. I block it out most of the time anyway, but sometimes things get through, especially when there are very strong emotions, like Brukeval's."

Jondalar was looking at her strangely. "Do you know what I am thinking, what thoughts are in my head?"

"No, I never know thoughts, exactly. But I know that you love me." She watched his expression change. "It bothers you, doesn't it? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything," she mumbled, feeling Jondalar's emotions like a weight. She was always particularly perceptive to Jondalar. She put her head down, her shoulders slumped.

He could see her dejection, and suddenly his uneasy feeling evapo- rated. He took both her shoulders and made her look up, then looked intowanting to protect her from anything that might cause her pain. And she held him. As long as she had Jondalar, nothing else really mattered, did it?

Just then Jonayla started to cry.

"I just want to be a mother, and be mated to you, Jondalar, I don't really want to be a Zelandoni," Ayla said as she went to pick her up.

She is really scared, he thought, but who wouldn't be? I don't even like getting near a burial ground, much less think about visiting the world of the spirits. He watched her come back to him with the baby in her arms, tears still in her eyes, and felt a sudden surge of love and protectiveness for the woman and the baby. So what if she became Zelandoni? She would still be Ayla to him, and she would still need him.

"It will be all right, Ayla," he said, taking the baby from her and cradling her in his arms. He had never been happier than he had been since they were mated, and especially since Jonayla was born. He looked down at the infant and smiled. I believe she is my daughter, too, he thought.

"It's up to you, Ayla," he said. "You are right, even if you join the zelan- donia, it doesn't mean you will have to be a Zelandoni, but if you do, thatreached out for her with his other arm and held them both. "If you ever stopped loving me, Jondalar, I don't know what I would do. Please never stop loving me."

"Of course I'll never stop loving you. I will always love you. Nothing can ever make me stop," Jondalar said, feeling it deep in his heart and hoping that it would always be true.

Winter finally came to an end. The drifts of snow, dirty from dust blowing on the wind, melted, and the first crocuses poked their purple-and-white flowers through the last vestiges of it. The icicles dripped until they disap- peared, and the first green buds appeared. Ayla was spending a great deal of time with Whinney. With her baby held close to her in a carrying cloak, she walked with the mare or rode her slowly. Racer was feeling more frisky, and even Jondalar had some trouble controlling him, but he rather enjoyed the challenge.

Whinney whickered at the sight of her, and she patted and hugged her affectionately. She planned to meet Jondalar and several people at a small abri downstream. They wanted to tap a few birch trees, part of which would be boiled down into a rich syrup, and another part of which would be al-posed to meet everyone. I hope you won't be too bothered by having other people around you."

When she reached the camp, she asked Joharran if she could bring Whinney under the abri. The mare was about to give birth. He was quick to agree, and a wave of excitement spread among the group. This would be an experience. None of them had ever been close to a horse giving birth.

She led Whinney under the overhanging upper ledge.

Jondalar rushed over and asked if she needed any help. "I don't think Whinney needs my help, but I want to be close to her," Ayla said. "If you would watch Jonayla, it would help me. I just nursed her. She should be all right for a while." He reached for Jonayla. She saw his face and gave him a big, delighted smile. She had only recently started smiling and had begun to greet the man of her hearth with that sign of recognition.

"You have your mother's smile, Jonayla," he said as he picked her up, looking directly at her and smiling back. The baby focused on his face, made a soft cooing sound, and smiled again. It melted his heart. He tucked Jonayla into the crook of his arm and walked back toward the people at the other end of the small shelter.to make an appearance. Human or animal, it was still Doni's greatest Gift.

They all waited quietly.

After a while, when it seemed that Whinney was not quite ready but as comfortable as she could be, Ayla walked to the fire where the people were waiting, to get a drink of water. She was offered hot tea, and she returned for it after bringing some water to the horse.