The s.e.x Side of Life.

by Mary Dennett.

THE s.e.x SIDE OF LIFE

INTRODUCTION FOR ELDERS

In reading several dozen books on s.e.x matters for the young with a view to selecting the best for my own children, I found none that I was willing to put into their hands, without first guarding them against what I considered very misleading and harmful impressions, which they would otherwise be sure to acquire in reading them. That is the excuse for this article.

It is far more specific than most s.e.x information written for young people. I believe we owe it to children to be specific if we talk about the subject at all.

From a careful observation of youthful curiosity and a very vivid recollection of my own childhood, I have tried to explain frankly the points about which there is the greatest inquiry. These points are _not_ frankly or clearly explained in most s.e.x literature. They are avoided, partly from embarra.s.sment, but more, apparently, because those who have undertaken to instruct the children are not really clear in their own minds as to the proper status of the s.e.x relation.

I found that from the physiological point of view, the question was handled with limitations and reservations. From the point of natural science it was often handled with sentimentality, the child being led from a semi-esthetic study of the reproduction of flowers and animals to the acceptance of a similar idea for human beings. From the moral point of view it was handled least satisfactorily of all, the child being given a jumble of conflicting ideas, with no means of correlating them,--fear of venereal disease, one's duty to suppress "animal pa.s.sion," the sacredness of marriage, and so forth. And from the emotional point of view, the subject was not handled at all.

This one omission seems to me to be the key to the whole situation, and it is the basis of the radical departure I have made from the precedents in most s.e.x literature for children.

Concerning all four points of view just mentioned, there are certain departures from the traditional method that have seemed to me worth making.

On the physiological side I have given, as far as possible, the proper terminology for the s.e.x organs and functions. Children have had to read the expurgated literature which has been specially prepared for them in poetic or colloquial terms, and then are needlessly mystified when they hear things called by their real names.

On the side of natural science, I have emphasized our unlikeness to the plants and animals rather than our likeness, for while the points we have in common with the lower orders make an interesting section in our general education, it is knowing about the vital points in which we differ that helps us to solve the s.e.xual problems of maturity; and the child needs that knowledge precisely as he needs knowledge of everything which will fortify him for wise decisions when he is grown.

On the moral side, I have tried to avoid confusion and dogmatism in the following ways: by eliminating fear of venereal disease as an appeal for strictly limited s.e.x relations, stating candidly that venereal disease _is_ becoming curable; by barring out all mention of "brute" or "animal" pa.s.sion, terms frequently used in pleas for chast.i.ty and self control, as such talk is an aspersion on the brutes and has done children much harm in giving them the impression that there is an essential baseness in the s.e.x relation; by inviting the inference that marriage is "sacred" by virtue of its being a reflection of human ideality rather than because it is a legalized inst.i.tution.

Unquestionably the stress which most writers have laid upon the beauty of nature's plans for perpetuating the plant and animal species, and the effort to have the child carry over into human life some sense of that beauty has come from a most commendable instinct to protect the child from the natural shock of the revelation of so much that is unesthetic and revolting in human s.e.x life. The nearness of the s.e.x organs to the excretory organs, the pain and messiness of childbirth are elements which certainly need some compensating antidote to prevent their making too disagreeable and disproportionate an impress on the child's mind.

The results are doubtless good as far as they go, but they do not go nearly far enough. What else is there to call upon to help out? Why, the one thing which has been persistently neglected by practically all the s.e.x writers,--the emotional side of s.e.x experience. Parents and teachers have been afraid of it and distrustful of it. In not a single one of all the books for young people that I have thus far read has there been the frank, unashamed declaration that the climax of s.e.x emotion is an unsurpa.s.sed joy, something which rightly belongs to every normal human being, a joy to be proudly and serenely experienced. Instead there has been all too evident an inference that s.e.x emotion is a thing to be ashamed of, that yielding to it is indulgence which must be curbed as much as possible, that all thought and understanding of it must be rigorously postponed, at any rate till after marriage.

We give to young folks, in their general education, as much as they can grasp of science and ethics and art, and yet in their s.e.x education, which rightly has to do with all of these, we have said, "Give them only the bare physiological facts, lest they be prematurely stimulated." Others of us, realizing that the bare physiological facts are shocking to many a sensitive child, and must somehow be softened with something pleasant, have said, "Give them the facts, yes, but see to it that they are so related to the wonders of evolution and the beauties of the natural world that the shock is minimized." But none of us has yet dared to say, "Yes, give them the facts, give them the nature study, too, but also give them some conception of s.e.x life as a vivifying joy, as a vital art, as a thing to be studied and developed with reverence for its big meaning, with understanding of its far-reaching reactions, psychologically and spiritually, with temperant restraint, good taste and the highest idealism." We have contented ourselves by a.s.suming that marriage makes s.e.x relations respectable. We have not yet said that it is only beautiful s.e.x relations that can make marriage lovely.

Young people are just as capable of being guided and inspired in their thought about s.e.x emotion as in their taste and ideals in literature and ethics, and just as they imperatively need to have their general taste and ideals cultivated as a preparation for mature life, so do they need to have some understanding of the marvelous place which s.e.x emotion has in life.

Only such an understanding can be counted on to give them the self control that is born of knowledge, not fear, the reverence that will prevent premature or trivial connections, the good taste and finesse that will make their s.e.x life when they reach maturity a vitalizing success.

AN EXPLANATION FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

When boys and girls get into their "teens," a side of them begins to wake up which has been asleep or only partly developed ever since they were born, that is, the s.e.x side of them. It is the most wonderful and interesting part of growing up. This waking is partly of the mind, partly of the body and partly of the feelings or emotions.

You can't help wanting to understand all about it, but somehow you find yourself a little embarra.s.sed in asking all the questions that come into your mind, and often you don't feel quite like talking about it freely, even to your father and mother. Sometimes it is easier to talk with your best friends, because they are your own age, and are beginning to have these new feelings too.

But remember that young people don't know nearly so much about it as older people do, and that the older ones really want to help you with their experience and advice; and yet, they, like you, often feel rather embarra.s.sed themselves and don't know how to go about it I suppose it is because it is all so very personal and still remains somewhat mysterious, in spite of all that people know about it.

If our bodies were just like machines, then we could learn about them and manage them quite scientifically as we do automobiles, but they are not like that. They are more than machines that have to be supplied with fuel (food) and kept clean and oiled (by bathing, exercise and sleep). They are the homes of our souls and our feelings, and that makes all the difference in the world in the way we act, and it makes what we have to learn, not limited to science only, but it has to include more difficult and complicated things like psychology and morality.

Maybe I can't make this article help you, but I remember so well what I wanted to know and how I felt when I was young that I am now going to try. And I will tell you to start out with that there is a great deal that n.o.body knows yet, in spite of the fact that the human race has been struggling thousands of years to learn.

Life itself is still a mystery, especially human life. Human life, in many respects, is like plant and animal life, but in many ways it is entirely different, and the ways in which it is different are almost more important for us to think about than the ways in which it is similar. In all life, except in the very lowest forms, new life is created by the coming together, in a very close and special way, of the male and female elements. You have studied at school about the plants and you probably have observed certain of the animals, so you know something about what this means if you do not understand it thoroughly.

But what you want to know most of all is just how it is with human beings. You want to know just what this coming together is, how it is done, how it starts the new life, the baby, and how the baby is born.

You want to understand the wonderful s.e.x organs, that are different in men and women, what each part is for and how it works.

If you feel very curious and excited and shy about it, don't let yourself be a bit worried or ashamed. Your feelings are quite natural, and most everybody else has felt just the same way at your age. Remember that strong feelings are immensely valuable to us. All we need to do is to steer them in the right direction and keep them well balanced and proportioned.

Now in order to understand something of why this subject stirs us so, we must notice in what ways we human beings are _different_ from the plants and animals. About the lowest form of life is the amoeba. It looks like a little lump of jelly, and it produces its young by merely separating itself in two. One part drifts off from the other part and each becomes a separate live being. There is no male and no female and they didn't _know_ they were doing it. In the plants a higher stage of development is reached: there is the male and the female and they join together, not by coming to each other, or because they _know_ they belong together, but quite unconsciously, with the aid of the bees and other insects and the wind, the male part is carried to the female part--they mix, and at once the seed of a new plant begins to grow.

Then come to the animals. In all higher forms of animal life, the male creature _comes_ to the female creature and himself places within her body the germ which, when it meets the egg which is waiting for it, immediately makes a new life begin to grow. But the animals come together without _knowing why_. They do it from instinct only, and they do it in what is called the mating season, which is usually in the spring. The mating season happens once a year among most of the higher animals, like birds and wild cattle, but to some animals it comes several times a year like the rabbits, for instance.

You doubtless know already that the more highly developed the animal, the longer it takes the young one to grow before it is born, and the longer the period when it is helpless to provide its own food and care.

Now we come to human beings, and see how different they are! They have no regular mating season, and while there is a certain amount of instinct in men and women which tends to bring them together, the s.e.x impulse among highly developed people is far more the result of their feeling of love for each other than mere animal instinct alone. Many of the animals make no choice at all in their mating. Any near-by female will do for the male. But among some of the higher animals the male has a special instinct for a certain female, and the female will not tolerate any but a certain male. Most of the animals have different mates every season, though there are a few kinds where the male and female, once having mated, remain mates for years, sometimes even for life. But it is _only human beings_ whose mating is what we call "falling in love," and that is an experience far beyond anything that the animals know.

It means that a man and a woman feel that they _belong_ to each other in a way that they belong to no one else; it makes them wonderfully happy to be together; they find they want to live together, work together, play together, and to have children together, that is, to marry each other; and their dream is to be happy together all their lives. Sometimes the dream does not come true, and there is much failure and unhappiness, but just the same people go right on trying to make it a success, because it is what they care most for.

The s.e.x attraction is the strongest feeling that human beings know, and unlike the animals, it is far more than a mere sensation of the body. It takes in the emotions and the mind and the soul, and that is why our happiness is so dependent upon it.

When a man and a woman fall in love so that they really belong to each other, the physical side of the relation is this: both of them feel at intervals a peculiar thrill or glow, particularly in the s.e.xual organs, and it naturally culminates after they have gone to bed at night. The man's special s.e.x organ or p.e.n.i.s, becomes enlarged and stiffened, instead of soft and limp as ordinarily, and thus it easily enters the pa.s.sage in the woman's body called the v.a.g.i.n.a or birth-ca.n.a.l, which leads to the uterus or womb, which as perhaps you already know is the sac in which the egg or embryo grows into a baby.

The p.e.n.i.s and the v.a.g.i.n.a are about the same size, as Nature intended them to fit each other. By a rhythmic movement of the p.e.n.i.s in and out, the s.e.x act reaches an exciting climax or o.r.g.a.s.m, when there is for the woman a peculiarly satisfying contraction of the muscles of the pa.s.sage and for the man, the expulsion of the s.e.m.e.n, the liquid which contains the germs of life. This is followed by a sensation of peaceful happiness and sleepy relaxation. It is the very greatest physical pleasure to be had in all human experience, and it helps very much to increase all other kinds of pleasure also. It is at this time that married people not only are closest to each other physically, but they feel closer to each other in every other way too. It is then most of all that they feel _sure_ they belong to each other.

The s.e.x act is called by various names, such as coitus, coition, copulation, cohabitation, s.e.x-intercourse, the s.e.x-embrace, etc. But all these terms refer to the same thing. The first coitus is apt to be somewhat painful for the woman, as there is usually a thin membrane, called the hymen, partly closing the v.a.g.i.n.a which has to be broken through, but all women do not have it and it varies in size and thickness with different people.

Without the s.e.x act, no babies could be created, for it is by this means only that the s.e.m.e.n which contains the male part of the germ of life can meet the ovum or the female part of the germ of life. When the two parts come together in the woman's body under just the right conditions, a baby begins to grow--at first so tiny that it could hardly be seen without a microscope, and finally, after nine months'

growth in the uterus or womb of the mother till it weighs about seven or eight pounds, it is born, a live human being. The birth process is called _labor_, and it is indeed labor, for it usually means much pain and struggle for the mother, although the baby's journey from the uterus to the world is only a few inches. It takes anywhere from an hour to two days for a baby to be born. Doctors are learning more and more how to lessen the pain, and by the end of another generation it ought to be possible for child-birth to be practically painless for most women. By that time people will more generally understand how to have babies _only_ when they want them and can afford them. At present, unfortunately, it is against the law to give people information as to how to manage their s.e.x relations so that no baby will be created unless the father and mother are ready and glad to have it happen.

Now you must understand something about this intricate s.e.xual machinery. Plate I shows the woman's organs and Plate 2 the man's.

Both these ill.u.s.trations are sections, as if the body were cut in two vertically.

[Ill.u.s.tration: *Plate One*]

1. Backbone.

2. r.e.c.t.u.m, which carries away the solid waste matter from the bowels.

3. a.n.u.s, the opening of the r.e.c.t.u.m.

4. Bladder, which holds the waste water or urine.

5. Ovary, in which grows the ovum or egg.

6. Fallopian tube, which carries the ovum to the uterus.

7. Uterus or Womb, in which the egg or ovum grows into a baby.

8. Mouth of the Uterus, through which the s.e.m.e.n has to go to meet the ovum.

9. v.a.g.i.n.a or Birth Ca.n.a.l, into which the p.e.n.i.s fits during the s.e.x act.