"Kind of. It's not serious, but the doctor here wants me to take it easy for a few days. I think I'll be all right by Monday. He says give it a full week to avoid secondary infection."

"Listen to the doctor. What is it?" He sounded suddenly clinical and she smiled. "Respiratory?" She didn't sound like it though. Aside from the tears, her voice was normal.

"No, the usual horror that comes with this disease. Raging diarrhea. I really thought I was going to die last night. I'm amazed I didn't."

"You're not going to die for a long time," he said matter-of-factly, "I won't let you."

"I've been through this myself, Sam," Zoe said sadly. "Don't do this to yourself. Remember, that's how I started in this business. The man I lived with got a bad transfusion. I started the clinic because of him. But it was the hardest thing I ever did, watching him die, and I had a lot of good years with him before that. I won't do that to anyone, and I sure won't start that way. That's starting at the ending. I won't do it."

"Do you regret you did it? Are you sorry? Do you wish you hadn't been with him?"

"No," she said clearly. She had loved Adam till the end. But she didn't want Sam to go through what she had gone through.

"What if he had said he wouldn't let you? What if he tried to send you away?"

"He did more than once," she smiled. "I just didn't listen. I didn't go. I wouldn't have left him," and as she said it, she thought about what she was saying, and then faltered, "but that was different." And then she wondered. "I would have felt cheated if I hadn't been there," she said pensively, thinking of Sam. But in some ways she hardly knew him, in other ways she'd known him forever.

"Why are you trying to cheat me?" he said bluntly, no longer willing to be put off, or pretend, or hide his feelings. "I'm in love with you. I think I have been for years. Maybe even since Stanford. I think in those days I was just too stupid to know it. And once I figured it out, you never gave me the opportunity to say it. But I'm not going to let you stop me now. I want to be there for you... I don't care what this miserable disease does to you... I don't care if you get diarrhea, or sores on your face, or pneumonia. I want to help you stay alive, I want to do your work with you, Zoe... I care about you and Jade... please let me love you... there's too little love in the world, if we've found some, let's share it. Don't throw it away. Your having AIDS doesn't change anything, it doesn't make me not love you, it just means that what we have is more precious. I won't let you throw it away. It means too much to me..." He was crying now, and she was so moved, she couldn't speak through her own tears. "Zoe... I love you... if I weren't covering for you here, I'd get on the next plane and tell you in person, but you'd probably kill me if I did that, and left no one minding the store." He laughed through his tears then and so did she.

"Yes, I would, so don't you dare leave the clinic."

"I won't, but otherwise I'd be there tonight. Besides, I miss you. You've already been gone too long," he complained.

"Sam, how can you be so crazy? How can you do this to yourself?"

"Because you don't get choices about things like this in life. You fall in love with the people you fall in love with. Sorry if it's inconvenient, sorry if you're sick. I could fall in love with some awful woman tomorrow and have her fall under a train. At least you and I know the score here. We have some time, maybe a lot, maybe a little. I'm willing to take what we can get. What about you? Are you going to waste this?"

"You'd have to be so careful." She was still trying to discourage him, but he wouldn't listen. He was absolutely sure of what he wanted from her.

"Being careful is a small price to pay, isn't it? It's worth it. God, I miss you so much, Zoe. I just want to hold you, and make you happy."

"Will you work with me? Full-time, I mean, or even part-time?" That was almost as important to her, maybe more so. She had a responsibility to a lot of people, even more than to herself as far as she was concerned. And she needed Sam to help her. But he was more than willing.

"I'll work with you night and day if you want," he said, and then thought better of it. "Actually, I'll do the night and day stuff, you do a little less, please. And let's take some time for us. I don't want you wearing yourself out anymore. Let's take good care of you. All right? Just like we tell the patients. And you'd better listen to me. In your case, I'm the doctor."

"Yes, sir," she smiled, and wiped her eyes again. It had been an emotional morning. She had told her two best friends and Sam, and none of them had let her down, on the contrary, they were three extraordinary human beings. And then Sam startled her yet again.

"Let's get married," he said, and she couldn't believe what she was hearing. He was truly insane, but she loved him for it. She was smiling broadly when she answered.

"You're certifiable. I won't let you do that." She was horrified but deeply touched that he would offer.

"I would have wanted to marry you whether you had AIDS or not." And he meant it.

"But I do, and you don't need to do that to yourself," she said sadly.

"What if this were one of your patients? I know you. You'd tell them to do whatever made them happy and seemed right to them."

"How do you know this is right?" she asked gently.

"Because I love you," he said, praying she'd hear him.

"I love you too," she said cautiously, "but let's not rush into this, let's take it slowly." He liked what she was saying, because it meant she thought she had some time to make decisions, and that meant she was optimistic, which was important. But he really did want to marry her. But he knew he might convince her more easily in person.

"I'm awfully glad I called you today," he said happily. "I got advice about a patient, a job, full-time preferably, and possibly a wife. This was a very fruitful conversation," he said, and she laughed.

"I can't believe I left a lunatic like you in charge of my clinic."

"Neither can I. But your patients love me. Think how happy they'll be when we're Dr. and Dr. Warner."

"I have to take your name too?" She was laughing. She really did love him. She had been so fond of him for so long, but she had never allowed her feelings for him to move forward. She had been too busy taking care of her patients to let herself be anything more than a doctor, and mother, "You can call yourself anything you like if you marry me," Sam told her magnanimously. "I'm very openminded."

"You're crazy," and then she grew serious for a moment, although they were both in good spirits. "Thank you, Sam... I think you're wonderful," she said honestly, "and I really do love you," she said softly. "It scared me before how much I liked you, but I was determined not to get you into a mess like this. And you walked yourself right into it. You can still change your mind if you want."

"I'm here forever," he said calmly.

"I wish I were," she said sadly.

"You might be. If I have anything to do with it, you will."

"At least my work will be... and the clinic... and Jade... and you... and my friends..."

"If you ask me, it sounds like a lot to stick around for."

"I'll do everything I can, Sam. I promise."

"Good. Then get a lot of rest while you're there and come back healthy, and check yourself into the hospital if the diarrhea doesn't stop."

"It has," she said, and that reassured him.

"Drink a lot of fluids."

"I know. I'm a doctor. Don't worry. I'll be good. I swear."

"I love you." It was odd. It was so totally unexpected. He was so happy suddenly. She loved him. She had AIDS, it was terrible news, and yet in some crazy way he was happy, and so was Zoe. She was still smiling when Mary Stuart and Tanya came in later after lunch to check her.

"What happened to you?" Tanya asked suspiciously. "You look like the cat that swallowed the canary."

"I talked to Sam. He's going to come to work at the clinic full-time."

"Wow, that's terrific," Mary Stuart said enthusiastically, she knew what a relief that was for Zoe.

"No, no, wait... she's lying," Tanya said, narrowing her eyes and looking at their old buddy. "There's more, and she's not telling."

"No, there's not." But she was laughing as she said it. It was a far cry from the intensity and sorrow of the morning.

"What else did he say?" Zoe was grinning from ear to ear as she tried to avoid Tanya's question.

"Nothing. I told him," she hesitated, looking more serious suddenly, "that I was positive." She hated to say the words, and then she looked at her friends with wide eyes filled with disbelief, still unable to believe what he had said to her at lunchtime.

"What did he say to you?" Mary Stuart asked gently, and Zoe turned to her with a broad smile of amazement.

"He asked me to marry him. Can you believe that?" The other women's jaws dropped, and they looked at her in delighted disbelief, but it was Tanya who spoke first.

"Let's get you healthy so you can go home to this guy, before someone else grabs him. He sounds terrific."

"He really is." Zoe had no idea what she was going to do yet. But she was going to be with him, and work with him, and let herself experience everything that life offered her, and if he really wanted to marry her, then maybe she would. But whether or not she married him, she knew she loved him, and that was the most important thing.

"Well, I'll be damned," Mary Stuart said, enormously impressed by Dr. Sam Warner.

The three of them talked about it for a little while, and then Mary Stuart and Tanya went out for the afternoon, since Zoe seemed to be doing so much better. Hartley and Mary Stuart went for a hike that afternoon, and talked about a number of things, especially Zoe and a man who was brave enough to marry a woman he loved and knew was dying. They both thought it was an extraordinary gesture, and they loved him for it.

And Tanya went out riding with Gordon. They were lucky that day. No one else in her party wanted to ride, Hartley was on the hike with Mary Stuart, and the doctors from Chicago had gone fishing that afternoon, so they were actually alone, without even planning it. Gordon took her to a waterfall in the mountains, on horseback, and they dismounted for a while, and lay in the tall grass among the wildflowers while he held her and they kissed, and it took a superhuman effort not to let it go any further, but they wanted to move as slowly as they could, despite the limited time they had. They already felt as though they were on an express train. But it was the most beautiful afternoon of her life, as she lay looking up at him, and then he lay next to her, and they looked at the mountains. They walked for a while, hand in hand, leading their horses, talking about their childhoods, and they talked about Zoe too, and Sam's remarkable love for her. They were brave people in a hard world. And in her own way, Tanya was too. She had come a long way in her life, and now suddenly, there was someone solid and warm and kind beside her. It frightened her a little bit to think of what the press would make of it, and she tried to warn him of the damage they could do, the hurt they could inflict, but he didn't seem to care, and he told Tanya to look around them.

"As long as we have this, how can you care about all that? It is so unimportant. We're all that matters, and what we are to each other."

"And if we don't have this anymore?" she asked, looking around her, and thinking of going back to California.

"We will," he said quietly, "we have to. As long as we have something here, a place we can come to, to get sane again, maybe the rest of that insanity won't matter." It was an interesting idea, and she liked it. Maybe he was right, and she should buy a place in Wyoming. She could certainly afford it. She could even sell the house in Malibu. It was huge, and she almost never went there.

"I feel as though I'm standing on the edge of a whole new life," she said, as they stood on a bluff, looking out over the valley. They could see buffalo, and elk, and cattie, and horses. It was an amazing sight, and she could see easily why he loved it.

"You are standing on the edge of a new life," he said calmly, and then he turned her toward him again, put his arms around her, and kissed her.

Chapter 17.

On Friday morning, Zoe was still asleep when Tanya tiptoed in to look at her, but she seemed peaceful, she'd eaten well the night before, and Mary Stuart agreed when she came in that Zoe's color was better.

They were just going out to ride, when she got up, and wandered into the living room in her nightgown, and they were pleased to see that they'd been right. She looked a great deal better.

"How do you feel?" Mary Stuart asked solicitously. They were both so worried about her.

"Like a new woman," Zoe said, almost sorry she told them. She wondered if she shouldn't have said she had AIDS, but the cat was out of the bag now, and it meant a lot to her to have them support her. "I'm sorry I was so much trouble yesterday." Tanya wanted to tell her how sorry she was that Zoe had pricked her finger the year before, and contracted AIDS, but she didn't.

"Don't be silly." Their eyes met and held and they each knew what the other was thinking. There was real love there, and compassion and caring. They were the kind of friends that came along once in a lifetime. "We want you to take care of yourself. Stay in bed today, get lots of rest. I'll come back at lunchtime to see if you need anything," Tanya said as she put an arm around her. She was surprised to realize that under the flannel nightgown, Zoe was incredibly frail, even more so than she looked. There was barely any meat on her.

"Do you want us to stay with you?" Mary Stuart asked generously, and Zoe told her that she didn't.

"I just want you two to have a good time. You both deserve it.' I They'd all been through rough times in different ways, death, divorce, all the trauma of which life was made and that challenged one's very survival.

"We all deserve a good time," Mary Stuart said, "so do you."

"I just want to get back to work," she said, she was beginning to feel really guilty for being so lazy, and a second week away seemed absolutely sinful. But she knew she needed to recover from the little episode she'd just been through.

"Be a good girl and be lazy." Tanya wagged a finger at her, and a few minutes later she and Mary Stuart left for breakfast.

Hartley inquired about their friend, and they sat and talked quietly about her over breakfast. They thought she was very brave, and Tanya was grateful that Sam was being so supportive.

"He must be quite a man," Hartley said admiringly when Mary Stuart told him of Sam's reaction when Zoe told him. They still hadn't said she had AIDS and they didn't plan to. He thought she had cancer.

"She might recover," he said hopefully, but it was obvious that he thought it was unlikely and so did they. "I knew another couple who did something like that, got married in the face of a terminal prognosis. They were the most remarkable people I ever met, and probably the happiest, and I think she lived a lot longer because of it. He just refused to let her go, she fought valiantly, and I think their love added years to her life. I've never forgotten them. I don't think he ever remarried when she died, he wrote a book about it, about her, and it was the most touching thing I've ever read, I cried from beginning to end, but I can't tell you how I admired him. He loved her more than any man could love a woman." There were tears in Mary Stuart's eyes as she listened, and she wished that more than anything for Zoe.

Sam called Zoe that afternoon, and they talked for a long time. He wanted her to promise him, seriously, that they'd get married, and she was still accusing him of being crazy.

"You can't propose to me," she said, touched and flattered and moved to tears by what he was saying, "you don't even know me."

"I've known you for over twenty-two years, I've worked with you off and on for five. I've probably been in love with you for the last twenty, and if we both were too dumb to see it then that's not my problem. You're so busy taking care of everyone else all the time, Zoe, you don't even see what's happening right next to you. I want to be there for you," he said, and his voice was warm and gruff and sexy when he said it.

"You already are there for me, Sam," she said softly, He was amazing.

"I'll be here for you as long as you want me. Besides, we haven't even had our first date yet."

"I know. You haven't even tasted my lasagne." There were so many things for them to do, so many things to discover about each other.

"I'm a great cook. What's your favorite kind of food?" He didn't know things like that about her, and he wanted to know them all now. He wanted to spoil her, and be there for her, and take care of her. He wanted to make history, and have her recover. But if she didn't, he'd be there for her too, until the bitter end. He knew now, to his very soul, that it was his destiny, and nothing she could have said to him would dissuade him or change that.

"My favorite kind of food?" She was smiling at his question. She almost didn't remember that she was sick. She felt better today, and she was so happy. It was all about now, about just being there at this very moment, and not worrying about tomorrow. "Actually... I think, takeout. You know, fast food, you stick it in the lab closet and eat three mouthfuls between patients."

"You're disgusting. No more of that. Nothing but gourmet meals for you. Maybe I should do catering instead of locum tenens." But he was going to be full-time now, and they both loved the idea. The idea of working with her daily really pleased him. Besides, he could keep an eye on her and make sure she didn't overdo it. "Speaking of which," he had reminded her, "we need to find a new relief, you can't take calls for me if we're going to be together." She was already assuming, as he was, that they would be together most of the time. The idea certainly appealed to her, now that he knew her situation, and she had a feeling that the relationship was going to be even better than either of them expected. And for a moment she smiled and thought of Dick Franklin. She could never have done anything like this with him, he would never have been there for her. She was just damn lucky she had known Sam Warner, and she knew it.

"We can cover for each other some of the time," Sam said practically, "and I'll ask around if anyone knows someone good who could cover for us. There's a guy I did some work for whom I like, and a woman who's done a lot of AIDS work at General. She's young, but she's good. I think you'd like her."

"Is she pretty?" Zoe asked with concern, and he laughed.

"You've got nothing to worry about, Dr. Phillips." But he sounded pleased. "I didn't know you were jealous." This was all so crazy and so wonderful. It was as though it had all come together like magic.

"I'm not, just smart and careful."

"Fine, I'll put the word out, we're only looking for guys or ugly women to relieve us... Zoe, I love you." There was something so tender in his voice that it brought tears to her eyes as she listened to him.

"I love you too, Sam," she said, and he promised to call her later that afternoon, when he was finished working.

"Your patients are stacking up outside, I'd better get back to work before I close your clinic. Get some rest, and I'll call you later."

"I think I might go to dinner tonight," she said, looking up at the ceiling as they chatted. She really was feeling a lot better.

"Don't push too hard. Just take it easy, remember. I want to take you out when you get back, so rest up. There's a new restaurant on Clement I want to try." It all sounded so alive and so real, and so hopeful.

And she said as much to Dr. Kroner that afternoon when he came by. But she didn't have to, he could see it. She was still a little dehydrated, and he wanted her to push fluids more, but she looked like a new woman. He knew that she was aware that she would have times like that, terrible moments, and episodes of illness or despair, and then she would rally. Eventually the bad times would outnumber the good ones, but not necessarily for a long time. She could go on like this for a long time before it got worse, or it could get worse very quickly. No one could predict it, and she knew that better than he did.

"Can your locum tenens guy stay on for a while?" he asked after he had checked her, and sat down to chat in her cabin.

"Actually, yes, he can," she laughed, thinking of all the things Sam had said since the day before. "He can stay for quite a while. He's agreed to come in full-time." She was smiling as she said it.