Zoe's horse was a paint mare, and she looked spirited, but Liz had promised she was friendly, and Zoe looked surprisingly comfortable in the saddle. And Mary Stuart was riding a palomino. Big Max was a tall black horse with a long mane and tail, and as he shied a little in the corral, Tanya wondered if he was as sleepy as Liz had promised. She had no intention of battling a wild horse all over these mountains. But Liz explained as she walked by that he'd be fine once he got out, he was corral-shy. The head of the corral was being very attentive to Tanya. Far more so than Gordon, who was busy with the three other guests he'd been assigned, a middle-aged couple from Chicago who introduced themselves as Dr. Smith and Dr. Wyman, but appeared to be married. They even looked alike, which amused Tanya and she said something to Zoe. And then there was a man alone. He looked to be about fifty-five, and Mary Stuart kept staring at him, she could swear she knew him. He was tall and spare and had a mane of gray hair, and sharp blue eyes that examined the entire group with interest. He was a good-looking man and even Tanya couldn't help noticing he had distinguished features. She could see that he had noticed her too, and he smiled when he realized who she was, but he didn't approach her. And he seemed equally interested in the others. And it was only once they were on their way that Mary Stuart sidled up to Tanya on her horse and whispered to her.

"Do you know who that is?" She had finally figured it out. She'd seen him once before, but here he looked different. But Tanya didn't know him. She glanced again and shook her head in answer. "It's Hartley Bowman." It took a minute to register and then Tanya nodded with interest, forcing herself not to glance over her shoulder.

"The writer?" she whispered instead, and Mary Stuart nodded. He currently had two books on the bestseller list, one hard cover and one soft. And he had had a highly respected career. "Is he married?" she asked her friend from New York, and Mary Stuart rolled her eyes at her. She was hopeless.

"Widowed," Mary Stuart supplied, she remembered reading that his wife had died of breast cancer a year or two before. It had been in Time Time magazine or magazine or Newsweek Newsweek. And as a writer, he was extremely respected. He looked interesting too, and Mary Stuart would have liked to talk to him, but she didn't want to be like the people who pestered Tanya.

Mary Stuart and Tanya rode on side by side for a while, and Zoe had already begun chatting with the two physicians from Chicago. Tanya was right. Doctors always seemed to hang out together. They were both oncologists, and the wife had heard of Zoe's work and her clinic. And they were chatting animatedly as the horses made their way slowly across the valley. There were fields full of blue and yellow flowers all around them, and the snow-capped mountains were looming high above them.

"It's incredible, isn't it?" Mary Stuart heard a voice next to her and jumped as Tanya rode ahead toward the wrangler. Big Max had tired of moving at a snail's pace, and she had given him his head for a few minutes, which left Mary Stuart alone, but not for long. Hartley Bowman had joined her. "Have you been here before?" he asked casually, as though they were old acquaintances, but the atmosphere at the ranch was very informal.

"No, I haven't," she said quietly, "it's lovely." And she couldn't help glancing at him as he rode along beside her. He was very nice-looking. He had a clean, tweedy look to him. He had lovely hands, she noticed as he held the reins, and a riding style that told her he rode English. She mentioned it to him and he laughed.

"I always feel a little odd in Western saddles. I ride in Connecticut," he volunteered, and she nodded. "Are you from the West Coast?" He was intrigued by her, and the group she was traveling with. He had recognized Tanya immediately and wondered how Mary Stuart fitted into the entourage, but he didn't want to ask her.

"I'm from New York," she said. "I just came out for two weeks."

"So did I," he said, looking very much at ease with her, as he smiled. "I come every year. My wife and I used to love it. This is the first time I've come back since she died." Mary Stuart suspected it was hard for him, but he didn't say it. But she imagined that, having been there with someone before, it had to be lonely for him. "A lot of people come here from the East. It's really worth the trip. I come here for the mountains," he confessed, glancing at them. In truth, they all did, even those who didn't know it. The others thought they came for the horses. "There's something very healing about them. I wasn't going to come again, and I didn't last year, but I found I just couldn't stay away. I needed to be here." He said it pensively, as though surprised at himself for coming. "I normally prefer the ocean, but there's something magical about Wyoming, and these mountains." She understood exactly what he meant. Ever since the day before, she had begun to feel it. It was part of why Jackson Hole had become so popular in recent years. It was like being drawn to Mecca.

"It's funny you should say that," she confessed to him, feeling surprisingly comfortable with him, considering the fact that they were strangers. But he was so open. "I've felt it too. I felt it yesterday when we arrived. It's as though the mountains are waiting for you here... as though you can tell your troubles to them, and they're waiting to embrace you." She was afraid it would sound silly to him, but he knew just what she meant as he nodded.

"It must be difficult for your friend," he said gently. "I was watching the people in the dining room, they were transformed the moment she arrived, and without even meaning to, they became completely foolish. She doesn't get a moment without people reacting to her, wanting to be with her, taking her picture, trying to be a part of her aura." It was an interesting analysis, but it was true, and it intrigued Mary Stuart that he saw it so clearly.

"It must be difficult for anyone who's well-known," she said, not wanting to tell him that she had recognized him and read his last six books and loved them. She didn't want to appear starstruck. After being close to Tanya for all these years, she knew just how annoying it could be.

"It has its disadvantages." And then he looked at Mary Stuart with a smile. He had understood perfectly that she knew him. "But I'm not in those leagues. Few are. There are probably only a handful of people in the world who have to put up with what she does. She seems to be very gracious about it."

"She is," Mary Stuart said staunchly.

"Do you work with her?" He didn't want to pry, but he wondered if the two women constantly at her side were her assistants.

"We were college roommates," Mary Stuart explained with a smile.

"And you're still friends? How amazing. Now, there's a story," and then he quickly explained himself before he could alarm her, "for a book, not the tabloids," he specified, and they both laughed.

"Thank you. She gets such a rough break all the time. It's so unfair."

"You stop being human to them the moment you're a star. You no longer matter, you become human garbage," he said sadly, and Mary Stuart nodded.

"She calls it 'life as an object.' She says you become a thing, and anything they do to you then is allowed. She's put up with a lot. I don't know how she does it."

"She must be strong," and then he smiled at Mary Stuart, admiring her impeccable good looks. He loved her style, but he wouldn't have dared tell her. "She's fortunate to have good friends."

"We're lucky to have her." Mary Stuart smiled again. "It was really serendipity that we came here. It all kind of happened at the last minute."

"How fortunate for the rest of us," he said. "The three of you certainly improve the landscape." He glanced from her to Tanya, looking glorious, as she loped easily along beside the wrangler, but Mary Stuart noticed that they weren't talking, just riding. "She's an incredible-looking woman." He couldn't help but admire her, and Mary Stuart nodded with a smile, completely without envy. "I really enjoy her music. I have all of her CD's," he admitted, looking slightly embarrassed, and Mary Stuart laughed as she smiled at him.

"I have all your books." She blushed as she said it.

"Do you?" He looked pleased and held a hand out to her and introduced himself, though it was obviously not necessary, just good manners. "Hartley Bowman."

"I'm Mary Stuart Walker." They shook hands across their horses' necks, and rode on together comfortably. Tanya and the wrangler were far ahead by then, the trio of doctors bringing up the rear, discussing articles and research, and some new research that had been done recently in oncology at Mass General.

Mary Stuart and Hartley chatted for a while, about books, and New York, the literary scene, other authors, and Europe, when she said her daughter was studying in Paris. They seemed to touch on a wealth of subjects, and they were both surprised when the wrangler turned slowly around and led them back to the corral. It was lunchtime. Hartley and Mary Stuart were still chatting when they dismounted. And she noticed an odd look on Tanya's face when she got off Big Max and handed the reins to the wrangler.

"Are you okay?" she asked as Tanya walked over to join them, and she introduced her to Hartley.

"I'm fine. But our wrangler is really strange. He absolutely would not say one word to me. We just rode out, and then back. He acted like I had bubonic plague or something. He hates me." Mary Stuart laughed at her analysis of the situation. She had never met a man who hated Tanya, certainly not at first meeting.

"Maybe he's shy," Mary Stuart volunteered. He looked pleasant enough. He just wasn't very chatty.

"A lot of them are," Hartley explained. "The first few days they barely say hello, and by the time you leave, you feel like brothers. They're not used to all this big-city stuff, and they're not as chatty as we are," he said, and Tanya looked at him with a smile.

"I thought I'd said something to offend him." Tanya looked slightly worried.

"I suspect Liz told him to behave himself with you, not to say too much. It's got to be pretty impressive for these guys to be around a big star like you," he grinned and looked like a kid then, gray hair and all, "it even makes me tremble a little. I have all your CD's, Miss Thomas, and I love them."

"I've read your books, and I like them too." She smiled at him. It always amazed her when someone important was impressed with her. She never completely understood it. "I like them a lot." They both looked shy with each other, uncomfortable with their own success to a degree. Each of them were stars in their own right. He seemed much more at ease with Mary Stuart than with Tanya, and then Zoe joined them, saying she'd had a great morning. She'd really enjoyed talking to the two doctors. And Mary Stuart introduced her to Hartley.

"What's your specialty?" he asked amiably as they wandered back toward their cabins to wash up before lunch.

"AIDS," she said simply, "and related problems. I run a clinic in San Francisco." He nodded. He'd been thinking about doing a book about it, but he'd been dragging his feet about doing the research. It seemed so depressing. But he was obviously fascinated by what she did, and asked her a great many questions. And he seemed sorry to leave them at their cabin, and said he'd see them at lunchtime. He went off on his own, head down, looking pensive, as he walked toward his cabin, and Tanya watched him.

"What an interesting man," Tanya commented as they walked into their home away from home, and she took her scarf off. It had gotten hot since that morning.

"He's crazy about your music," Mary Stuart said encouragingly. She would have loved to see Tanya with someone like Hartley, although she had to admit they didn't seem to have a lot in common. Hartley was very smooth and very Eastern, intellectual but worldly somehow, and very polished. Tanya was so much more exuberant and sensual, not wild, but so alive. Mary Stuart thought she needed someone more powerful to tame her, or at least make her happy.

"He may be crazy about my music," Tanya said wisely, better versed in the ways of the world than Mary Stuart, "but he likes you, kiddo. It's written all over him. He couldn't take his eyes off you."

"That's bullshit. He's intrigued by all three of us. You know, kind of like Charlie's Angels."

"I'll bet you money he comes on to you before you leave here," Tanya said with total certainty, and Zoe rolled her eyes at both of them and washed her hands in the kitchen.

"You two are disgusting. Is that all you think about? Dating?"

"Yeah," Tanya said with a mischievous grin. "Sex. Read the tabloids." But they all knew better. Tanya had always been, and still was, very moral. Perhaps even more so than the others, and she'd always been monogamous, even in college. "I'm telling you what I see. The guy is crazy about Mary Stuart."

"How crazy can he be? I just met him this morning."

"Well, his wife died a couple of years ago, right? So he's got to be horny as hell, so watch out for him, Stu. He could be a wild man." Mary Stuart and Zoe were both laughing at her, as she pinned her thick blond hair up on her head without looking and instantly looked even sexier than she had at breakfast.

"Why don't you wear a bag over your head or something?" Mary Stuart said in disgust. "I don't know why I bother to comb my hair when you look like that without looking in the mirror."

"Yeah, and look how much good it does me. Even the wrangler won't give me the time of day. Christ, I thought the guy's lips had been sewed shut. He never said one word to me. What an asshole."

"Are you trying to pick up the wranglers now?" Zoe shook a finger at her, and Tanya looked insulted.

"I just wanted somebody to talk to. Tolstoy or Charles Dickens or whoever he is was chewing Mary Stuart's ear off, you and the docs from Chicago were talking about disgusting stuff that makes my stomach feel sick, and that left me with Roy Rogers. Well, let me tell you, the guy gets an F in conversation."

"Better than if he got fresh with you," Zoe said matter-of-factly, "or were some crazed fan asking dumb questions."

"Yeah, I guess so," she conceded, "but it sure was boring." They heard the bell ring for lunch then, and were just starting out the door of the cabin when the phone rang. The three of them looked at each other, tempted not to answer, but they knew they had to. Zoe volunteered to do phone duty. It could have been Sam about one of her patients, or Jade. But it was Jean, Tanya's assistant. She had to talk to her about a contract. She was sending the originals for the concert tour, and a red-lined copy by Federal Express, at the request of her lawyer, and he wanted to talk to her as soon as she read it. Just listening to her made Tanya antsy.

"Okay. I'll look at it when it gets here."

"He wants you to send it back right away. No kidding."

"Okay, okay, I'll do it. Anything else major I need to know about?" An employee she'd dismissed had signed a release agreeing not to sue, which was a relief for a change, Vogue Vogue and and Harper's Bazaar Harper's Bazaar both wanted to do spreads on her, and one of the movie magazines was poking around to do a really nasty story. "Thanks for the good news," she said, hating to hear all of it. It brought the big bad world right to her doorstep in Wyoming. She couldn't wait to hang up and join the others. both wanted to do spreads on her, and one of the movie magazines was poking around to do a really nasty story. "Thanks for the good news," she said, hating to hear all of it. It brought the big bad world right to her doorstep in Wyoming. She couldn't wait to hang up and join the others.

"Everything okay?" Mary Stuart looked at her with concern. Tanya looked upset again, and her friend hated to see it.

"More or less. Someone's not suing for a change, and some lousy magazine is going to run another ugly story. No big deal, I guess." But it was as though they broke off a piece of her soul each time they did it, like an old, stale cookie. And one day, there would be no pieces left at all. She would have no soul left. But to them, it made no difference.

"Don't pay any attention to it," Zoe suggested. "Just don't read it." There had been some critical articles about her when she'd first started the clinic, but that wasn't the same thing and Tanya knew it better than she did. This was so personal, so hurtful, so invasive, and always so ugly.

"Try to forget it," Mary Stuart said, and both women put their arms around Tanya's waist, and the three of them walked up to the dining room, talking like that, with no idea of the powerful impression they made as they walked along. They were three very striking women. And from his deck, unnoticed by them, Hartley Bowman was watching Mary Stuart.

Chapter 13.

Their ride that afternoon was just as pleasant as the one that morning, and they rode out again in the same groups and configurations. They were assigned the same wrangler and the same horses for the duration of their stay, so Liz, the head of the corral, was anxious to know if everyone was satisfied with their mounts and their cowboys. And no one seemed to have any complaints that she knew of.

Zoe chatted with the doctors again that afternoon, and Tanya tried not to listen as they had moved on to transplants, which was no better than the discussion about severed limbs earlier that morning. And trying to leave Mary Stuart alone with Hartley as they discussed a book they'd both read, she moved ahead again with the wrangler. Once again, they rode for what seemed like miles, in silence. And then finally, Tanya couldn't stand it, and she looked at him from across her horse's neck, but he never even looked at her. It was as though he had no idea who she was beside him. It was entirely up to her to keep up with him, he never once acknowledged her presence.

"Is there something about me that bothers you?" she asked, with an irritated expression. He was really beginning to annoy her. She was not having fun, and she didn't even like him.

"No, ma'am. Nothing at all," he said, without a change of expression. She thought he was going to lapse into silence again and she wanted to hit him with her cowboy boot. He was the most taciturn man she'd ever met, and she couldn't stand it. Usually people at least talked to her, or looked at her, or something. She had never met anyone with reactions like Gordon. But he surprised her after another half mile, while she was debating whether or not it was worth the trouble of trying again, just to see if he would answer. "You're a real good rider." At first, she couldn't believe he'd spoken, and this time he glanced at her sideways, and then looked away just as quickly. It was almost as though her light was too blinding. It was that that was troubling him, but she didn't know that.

"Thank you. I don't like horses." Or cowboys. Or people who don't talk to me. Or anything about you.

"I saw that on your card, ma'am. Any special reason? You taken a bad fall sometime?" She suspected it was the most he'd said all year to anyone, but at least he was trying. He was clearly a man of few words, but she was beginning to wonder if Hartley was right, and he was shy and not used to city people. He should have taken a job doing shoes then, not riding with hotel guests, she thought as she watched him.

"No, I've never fallen. I just think horses are dumb. I rode a lot when I was a kid, but I never liked it."

"I grew up on a horse," he said matter-of-factly, "roping steers. My daddy worked on a ranch, and I worked right along with him." He didn't tell her that his father had died when he was ten, and he had supported his mother and four sisters until they all got married and he still supported his mother, and he had a son he helped out from time to time in Montana. Despite what Tanya thought of him, Gordon Washbaugh was a good man, and a bright one. "Most of the people who come here say they can ride, think so too, but they're just plain dangerous. They don't have any idea what they're doing. They all wind up in the dust first day out. Not many like you, ma'am." It was a classic understatement and he knew it. He looked at her sheepishly, and she was surprised to see that he was smiling too then. "I never rode with anyone famous. Makes me kinda nervous." He was so honest it impressed her. And she was suddenly embarrassed by her complaints to the others at lunchtime.

"Why would it make you nervous?" His perception of her amused her. It was so rare that she could see herself from that perspective. She never really understood why people were so fascinated, nor why he would be frightened of her, "Don't want to say the wrong thing, ma'am. Might make you angry."

And then she laughed suddenly, as they rode through a clearing. The light was beautiful on the hills, and in the distance they could see a coyote. "You really made me mad when you wouldn't talk to me this morning," she admitted with a grin, and he glanced at her cautiously. He had no idea whether or not to relax with her, if she was real, and could be trusted. "I thought you hated me or something."

"Why would I hate you? The whole damn ranch wants to know you. Bought your CD's, want autographs. Someone's got a video of you somewhere. They told us not to say anything to you, not to ask questions, not to bother you. I figured it was just better not to talk at all. Didn't want to bug you. The others make such damn fools of themselves. I tried to get them to let someone else be your wrangler. I'm not much of a talker." He was so honest with her that in spite of her earlier assessment of him, she actually liked him. And he was surprisingly clean and well-spoken for a cowboy. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." He brought it down to such real emotions, she started to say he hadn't, but he had, that was the whole point. It hurt her that he wouldn't talk to her. It was something new for Tanya. "I figured it'd be more restful for you if I kept my mouth shut."

"Well, make a little noise from time to time just so I know you're breathing," she said with a lopsided grin, and he guffawed.

"Someone like you, the whole world must chew your ear off. I couldn't believe how crazy they all got before you got here. Must be hard on you," he said matter-of-factly, getting right to the heart of the matter, and she nodded.

"It is," she said softly, able to be honest with him, out in the middle of nowhere, as they loped toward the mountains across a field of wildflowers. It was like seeking truth, or finding nirvana. There was something about the place that touched her deeply. She had come here to amuse her stepchildren originally, and then her friends, but instead she was finding something she had lost from her soul a long time ago, a kind of peace she had long since forgotten. "All those people grabbing at you, taking something from you, taking something away from you, it's as though they suck out your spirit and they don't even know it, but they do... sometimes I think that one day it will kill me, or they will." The nightmare of John Lennon being murdered by a fan was vivid for all famous people who had mobs of fans as she did. But there were other nightmares as well, just as lethal in the long run, though less obvious than the gun that had killed him. "It's a crazy life where I come from," she said thoughtfully, "it didn't used to be in the beginning. But it got that way. And I don't think it's ever going to change now."

"You ought to buy a place here," he said, looking straight ahead toward the Tetons, "a lot of people like you come here, to get away, to hide for a while, get their spirit back. They come here, or go to Montana, Colorado, same idea. You could go back to Texas." He smiled at her and she groaned.

"I think I've outgrown that," she confessed, and he laughed. His laughter was a fresh, easy sound that suited him perfectly and made her smile in answer.

"I think I outgrew Texas a long time ago too. Too hot, too dusty, too empty. That's why I came here. This suits me better," he said as she looked around them and nodded. It was easy to see why. Who wouldn't it have suited?

"Do you live here all year long?" she asked. This was much better than the morning. Even if she never saw him again, at least now they were human beings. He knew something about her, and she knew something about him. She thought maybe she'd write a song about him. The Silent Cowboy.

"Yes, ma'am," he said.

"What's it like?" She was thinking of the song now.

"Cold." He smiled and glanced at her sideways again. She was so beautiful, she scared him. It was easier not to see her. "We get twenty feet of snow sometimes. We send the horses south in October. Can't get around except by snowplow."

"It must be lonely," she said thoughtfully, trying to picture it. It was light-years away from Bel Air, recording studios, movies, concerts. Twenty feet of snow... one solitary man... and a snowplow.

"I like it," he said. "I keep busy. I get a lot of time to read, and think. I write some," and then he smiled cautiously and glanced at her, "listen to music."

"Don't tell me you listen to me while you're sitting here in twenty feet of snow all winter." The very idea of it was so foreign to her that it amazed her and she loved it.

"Sometimes," he confessed. "I listen to other things too. Country western. I used to like jazz but I don't listen to it much anymore. Beethoven, Mozart." The man was intriguing to her. She had definitely misjudged him. She wanted to ask him if he was married, if he had a family, out of curiosity, not out of any interest in him, but that seemed too personal, and she sensed that he would have been offended. He was careful to set boundaries and stay well behind them. And then, before she could ask him anything else about his life there, they rejoined the others. Hartley and Mary Stuart were chatting easily, and the doctors were still busy dismembering remembered patients, enchanted with their discussions. It was a surprisingly congenial group, and they were all sorry when their trail ride ended. It was four o'clock by then, and they were free to go to the swimming pool, go hiking, or play tennis. But they were all exhausted and Zoe looked it. Tanya had been noticing since the day before that Zoe was paler than she had been in college. Her already fair skin seemed to have gotten even whiter.

The medical couple from Chicago went for a walk to look at wildflowers, and Hartley walked the three women back to their cabin, and they were all startled to see a little boy there. He was just sitting there, and when Mary Stuart saw him, she had a visceral reaction. He was about six years old, and he seemed to be waiting for someone.

"Hi," Tanya said easily. "Did you ride today?"

"Yup," he said, pushing a red cowboy hat back on his head. He was wearing little black cowboy boots with red bulls on them, and little blue jeans and a denim jacket. "My horse's name is Rusty."

"And what's your name?" Zoe asked as she sat down beside him on the deck, grateful to sit down for a moment. The altitude made her breathless.

"Benjamin," he said formally. "My mommy's having a baby, so she can't ride horses." He was more than willing to share the information, and Zoe and Tanya exchanged a smile. Mary Stuart was standing a little distance away, talking to Hartley, but she was frowning and didn't know it. But Tanya had seen it, and she knew why even if Mary Stuart didn't. The boy looked so much like her son Todd at the same age that it made your heart ache. Tanya wondered if Mary Stuart saw it, but she didn't want to say anything to Zoe, for fear Mary Stuart would hear it. And the odd thing was that the child kept staring at Mary Stuart as though he knew her. It was eerie.

"My aunt looks just like you," he offered finally, fascinated by Mary Stuart, although she was the only one of the group who hadn't spoken to him, and didn't want to. She didn't go out of her way to avoid him, but she didn't enter into conversation with him either. She had sensed, more than seen, the resemblance. And Hartley saw something in her eyes that made him wonder.

"Do you have children?" he asked. He had noticed the wedding band on her hand that afternoon, but from things she'd said about deciding where to spend the summer, and the impression he'd gotten that she was alone, he wasn't exactly clear on her marital status. And neither was Mary Stuart.

"Yes, I do..." she answered vaguely in answer to his question about whether she had children. "A daughter... I... and a son, who died," she said awkwardly, and he could see the pain in her eyes and didn't pursue it. She turned away from the boy then, and walked into the cabin with Hartley. She didn't want to see the child a moment longer.

"Was he..." he hesitated, wanting to reach out to her, but not sure how to, "was he very young when he died?" he asked cautiously, wondering if he shouldn't mention it at all. But he wanted to know more about her. Perhaps that was why she had come here. Perhaps he had died in an accident with the father... or perhaps she was still married. There were questions he wanted to ask her. After riding with her all day, he felt as though they were friends now. They were so isolated from the world they knew, in this remarkable place, thrown together for only moments. If they were to become friends, they had to learn everything about each other very quickly.

"Todd was twenty when he died," she said quietly, trying not to see the little boy beyond the window. He was still chatting with Zoe and Tanya. "It was last year," she said, looking down at her hands for a moment.

"I'm so sorry," Hartley said softly, and dared to touch her hand for an instant. He knew only too well the pain of loss. He and Margaret had been married for twenty-six years when he lost her, and they had never had children. She couldn't. And he had accepted that. In some ways, he had always thought it brought them closer. But now he looked at Mary Stuart and could only glimpse what she had gone through. "It must be terrible to lose a child. I can't imagine it. It was bad enough when Margaret died. I really thought it would kill me. I was surprised when I woke up every morning, I kept waiting to die of grief, and was stunned that I didn't. I've been writing about it in my new book all winter."

"It must help writing about it," she said as they sat down on the couch in the living room. The other two were still outside talking, but she couldn't see the boy now. "I wish I could write about it. But it's better now. I finally put his things away a few weeks ago, before I came here. I couldn't bring myself to do it before that."