You are not responsible for for everyone in the Body of Christ, but you are responsible everyone in the Body of Christ, but you are responsible to to them. them.

G.o.d expects you to do whatever you can to help them.

In real fellowship people experience sympathy. Sympathy is not giving advice or offering quick, cosmetic help; sympathy is entering in and sharing the pain of others. Sympathy says, "I understand what you're going through, and what you feel is neither strange nor crazy." Today some call this "empathy," but the biblical word is "sympathy." The Bible says, Sympathy is not giving advice or offering quick, cosmetic help; sympathy is entering in and sharing the pain of others. Sympathy says, "I understand what you're going through, and what you feel is neither strange nor crazy." Today some call this "empathy," but the biblical word is "sympathy." The Bible says, "As holy people . . be sympathetic, kind, humble, gentle, and patient." "As holy people . . be sympathetic, kind, humble, gentle, and patient."

Sympathy meets two fundamental human needs: the need to be understood and the need to have your feelings validated. Every time you understand and affirm someone's feelings, you build fellowship. The problem is that we are often in so much of a hurry to fix things that we don't have time to sympathize with people. Or we're preoccupied with our own hurts. Self-pity dries up sympathy for others.

There are different levels of fellowship, and each is appropriate at different times. The simplest levels of fellowship are the fellowship of sharing fellowship of sharing and the and the fellowship of studying fellowship of studying G.o.d's Word together. A deeper level is the G.o.d's Word together. A deeper level is the fellowship of serving, fellowship of serving, as when we minister together on mission trips or mercy projects. The deepest, most intense level is the as when we minister together on mission trips or mercy projects. The deepest, most intense level is the fellowship of suffering, fellowship of suffering, where we enter into each other's pain and grief and carry each other's burdens. The Christians who understand this level best are those around the world who are being persecuted, despised, and often martyred for their faith. where we enter into each other's pain and grief and carry each other's burdens. The Christians who understand this level best are those around the world who are being persecuted, despised, and often martyred for their faith.

Real fellowship happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives.

The Bible commands: "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ." "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ." It is in the times of deep crisis, grief, and doubt that we need each other most. When circ.u.mstances crush us to the point that our faith falters, that's when we need believing friends the most. We need a small group of friends to have faith in G.o.d It is in the times of deep crisis, grief, and doubt that we need each other most. When circ.u.mstances crush us to the point that our faith falters, that's when we need believing friends the most. We need a small group of friends to have faith in G.o.d for for us and to pull us through. In a small group, the Body of Christ is real and tangible even when G.o.d seems distant. This is what Job desperately needed during his suffering. He cried out, us and to pull us through. In a small group, the Body of Christ is real and tangible even when G.o.d seems distant. This is what Job desperately needed during his suffering. He cried out, "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty." "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty."

In real fellowship people experience mercy. Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice. mercy. Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice.

We all need mercy, because we all stumble and fall and require help getting back on track. We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other. G.o.d says, "When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair." "When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair." You can't have fellowship without forgiveness. G.o.d warns, You can't have fellowship without forgiveness. G.o.d warns, "Never hold grudges," "Never hold grudges," because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Because we're imperfect, sinful people, we inevitably hurt each other when we're together for a long enough time. Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes ma.s.sive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship. The Bible says, because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Because we're imperfect, sinful people, we inevitably hurt each other when we're together for a long enough time. Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes ma.s.sive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship. The Bible says, "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

Every time you understand and affirm someone's feelings, you build fellowship.

G.o.d's mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than G.o.d has already forgiven you. Whenever you are hurt by someone, you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation retaliation or for or for resolution? You resolution? You can't do both. can't do both.

Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior.

Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by G.o.d to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you. They must prove they have changed over time. The best place to restore trust is within the supportive context of a small group that offers both encouragement and accountability.

There are many other benefits you will experience in being a part of a small group committed to real fellowship. It is an essential part of your Christian life that you cannot overlook. For over 2,000 years Christians have regularly gathered in small groups for fellowship. If you've never been a part of a group or cla.s.s like this, you really don't know what you're missing.

In the next chapter we will look at what it takes to create this kind of community with other believers, but I hope this chapter has made you hungry to experience the authenticity, mutuality, sympathy, and mercy of real fellowship. You were created for community.

DAY EIGHTEEN THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSEPoint to Ponder: I need others in my life. I need others in my life.Verse to Remember: "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ." "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NLT) Galatians 6:2 (NLT)Question to Consider: What one step can I take today to connect with another believer at a more genuine, heart-to-heart level? What one step can I take today to connect with another believer at a more genuine, heart-to-heart level?

19.

Cultivating CommunityYou can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with G.o.d and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor. James 3:18 (Msg) James 3:18 (Msg)They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers. Acts 2:42 (Msg) Acts 2:42 (Msg)Community requires commitment.

Only the Holy Spirit can create real fellowship between believers, but he cultivates it with the choices and commitments we make. Paul points out this dual responsibility when he says, "You are joined together with peace through the Spirit, so make every effort to continue together in this way.' "You are joined together with peace through the Spirit, so make every effort to continue together in this way.' I It takes both G.o.d's power and our effort to produce a loving Christian community. I It takes both G.o.d's power and our effort to produce a loving Christian community.

Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with unhealthy relationships, so they lack the relational skills needed for real fellowship. They must be taught how to get along with and relate to others in G.o.d's family. Fortunately, the New Testament is filled with instruction on how to share life together. Paul wrote, "I am writing these things to you ... [so] you will know how to live in the family of G.o.d. That family is the church." "I am writing these things to you ... [so] you will know how to live in the family of G.o.d. That family is the church."

If you're tired of fake fellowship and you would like to cultivate real fellowship and a loving

community in your small group, Sunday school cla.s.s, and church, you'll need to make some tough choices and take some risks.

Cultivating community takes honesty. You will have to care enough to lovingly speak the truth, even when you would rather gloss over a problem or ignore an issue. While it is much easier to remain silent when others around us are harming themselves or others with a sinful pattern, it is not the loving thing to do. Most people have no one in their lives who loves them enough to tell them the truth (even when it's painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways. Often we You will have to care enough to lovingly speak the truth, even when you would rather gloss over a problem or ignore an issue. While it is much easier to remain silent when others around us are harming themselves or others with a sinful pattern, it is not the loving thing to do. Most people have no one in their lives who loves them enough to tell them the truth (even when it's painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways. Often we know know what needs to be said to someone, but our fears prevent us from saying anything. Many fellowships have been sabotaged by fear: No one had the courage to speak up in the group while a member's life fell apart. what needs to be said to someone, but our fears prevent us from saying anything. Many fellowships have been sabotaged by fear: No one had the courage to speak up in the group while a member's life fell apart.

The Bible tells us to "speak the truth "speak the truth in in love" love" because we can't have community without candor. Solomon said, because we can't have community without candor. Solomon said, "An honest answer is a sign of true friendship." "An honest answer is a sign of true friendship." Sometimes this means caring enough to lovingly confront one who is sinning or is being tempted to sin. Paul says, Sometimes this means caring enough to lovingly confront one who is sinning or is being tempted to sin. Paul says, "Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again." "Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again."

Many church fellowships and small groups remain superficial because they are afraid of conflict. Whenever an issue pops up that might cause tension or discomfort, it is immediately glossed over in order to preserve a false sense of peace. Mr. "Don't Rock the Boat" Mr. "Don't Rock the Boat" jumps in and tries to smooth everyone's ruffled feathers, the issue is never resolved, and everyone lives with an underlying frustration. Everyone knows about the problem, but no one talks about it openly. This creates a sick environment of secrets where gossip thrives. Paul's solution was straightforward: jumps in and tries to smooth everyone's ruffled feathers, the issue is never resolved, and everyone lives with an underlying frustration. Everyone knows about the problem, but no one talks about it openly. This creates a sick environment of secrets where gossip thrives. Paul's solution was straightforward: "No more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself." "No more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself."

Real fellowship, whether in a marriage, a friendship, or your church, depends on frankness. In fact, the tunnel of conflict is the pa.s.sageway to intimacy in any relationship. Until you care enough to confront and resolve the underlying barriers, you will never grow close to each other. When conflict is handled correctly, we grow closer to each other by facing and resolving our differences. The Bible says, "In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. "' "In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. "'

Frankness is not a license to say anything you want, wherever and whenever you want. It is not rudeness. The Bible tells us there is a right time and a right way to do everything." Thoughtless words leave lasting wounds. G.o.d tells us to speak to each other in the church as loving family members: "Never use harsh words when you correct an older man, but talk to him as if he were your father. Talk to younger men as if they were your brothers, older women as if they were your mothers, and younger women as if they were your sisters." "Never use harsh words when you correct an older man, but talk to him as if he were your father. Talk to younger men as if they were your brothers, older women as if they were your mothers, and younger women as if they were your sisters."

Sadly, thousands of fellowships have been destroyed by a lack of honesty. Paul had to rebuke the Corinthian church for their pa.s.sive code of silence in allowing immorality in their fellowship. Since no one had the courage to confront it, he said, "You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it.... Better devastation and embarra.s.sment than d.a.m.nation.... You pa.s.s it off as a small thing, but it's anything but that... you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when one of your Christian companions is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with G.o.d or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the "You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it.... Better devastation and embarra.s.sment than d.a.m.nation.... You pa.s.s it off as a small thing, but it's anything but that... you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when one of your Christian companions is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with G.o.d or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the outsiders outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers?" do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers?"

When conflict is handled correctly, we grow closer to each other.

Cultivating community takes humility. Self-importance, smugness, and stubborn pride destroy fellowship faster than anything else. Pride builds walls between people; humility builds bridges. Humility is the oil that smoothes and soothes relationships. That's why the Bible Self-importance, smugness, and stubborn pride destroy fellowship faster than anything else. Pride builds walls between people; humility builds bridges. Humility is the oil that smoothes and soothes relationships. That's why the Bible says, "Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another." says, "Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another."11The proper dress for fellowship is a humble att.i.tude.

The rest of that verse says, "... because, G.o.d opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." because, G.o.d opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." This is the other reason we need to be humble: Pride blocks G.o.d's grace in our lives, which we must have in order to grow, change, heal, and help others. We receive G.o.d's grace by humbly admitting that we need it. The Bible says anytime we are prideful, we are living in This is the other reason we need to be humble: Pride blocks G.o.d's grace in our lives, which we must have in order to grow, change, heal, and help others. We receive G.o.d's grace by humbly admitting that we need it. The Bible says anytime we are prideful, we are living in opposition opposition to G.o.d! That is a foolish and dangerous way to live. to G.o.d! That is a foolish and dangerous way to live.

You can develop humility in very practical ways: by admitting your weaknesses, by being patient with others' weaknesses, by being open to correction, and by pointing the spotlight on others. Paul advised, "Live in harmony with each other. Don't try to act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!"' "Live in harmony with each other. Don't try to act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!"' To the Christians in Philippi he wrote, To the Christians in Philippi he wrote, "Give more honor to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others." "Give more honor to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others."

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others. Humble people are so focused on serving others, they don't think of themselves.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself it is thinking of yourself less.

Cultivating community takes courtesy. Courtesy is respecting our differences, being considerate of each other's feelings, and being patient with people who irritate us. The Bible courtesy. Courtesy is respecting our differences, being considerate of each other's feelings, and being patient with people who irritate us. The Bible says, 'We must bear the burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others." says, 'We must bear the burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others." Paul told t.i.tus, Paul told t.i.tus, "G.o.d's people should be bighearted and courteous." "G.o.d's people should be bighearted and courteous." In every church and in every small group, there is always at least one "difficult" person, usually more than one. These people may have special emotional needs, deep insecurities, irritating mannerisms, or poor social skills. You might call them In every church and in every small group, there is always at least one "difficult" person, usually more than one. These people may have special emotional needs, deep insecurities, irritating mannerisms, or poor social skills. You might call them EGR EGR people-"Extra Grace Required." G.o.d put these people in our midst for both their benefit and ours. They are an opportunity for growth and a test of fellowship: Will we love them as brothers and sisters and treat them with dignity? people-"Extra Grace Required." G.o.d put these people in our midst for both their benefit and ours. They are an opportunity for growth and a test of fellowship: Will we love them as brothers and sisters and treat them with dignity?

In a family, acceptance isn't based on how smart or beautiful or talented you are. It's based on the fact that we belong to each other. We defend and protect family. A family member may be a little goofy, but she's one of us. In the same way, the Bible says, Be devoted to each other like a loving family. Excel in showing respect for each other." Be devoted to each other like a loving family. Excel in showing respect for each other."

The truth is, we all have quirks and annoying traits. But community has nothing to do with compatibility. The basis for our fellowship is our relationship to G.o.d: We're family.

One key to courtesy is to understand where people are coming from. Discover their history. When you know what they've been through, you will be more understanding. Instead of thinking about how far they still have to go, think about how far they have come in spite of their hurts.

Another part of courtesy is not downplaying other people's doubts. Just because you don't fear something doesn't make it an invalid feeling. Real community happens when people know it is safe enough to share their doubts and fears without being judged.

The fellowship of the church is more important than any individual.

Cultivating community takes confidentiality. Only in the safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality will people open up and share their deepest hurts, needs, and mistakes. Confidentiality does not mean keeping silent while your brother or sister sins. It means that what is shared in your group needs to stay in your group, and the group needs to deal with it, not gossip to others about it. Only in the safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality will people open up and share their deepest hurts, needs, and mistakes. Confidentiality does not mean keeping silent while your brother or sister sins. It means that what is shared in your group needs to stay in your group, and the group needs to deal with it, not gossip to others about it.

G.o.d hates gossip, especially when it is thinly disguised as a "prayer request" for someone else. G.o.d says, "Gossip is spread by wicked people; they stir up trouble and break up friendships." "Gossip is spread by wicked people; they stir up trouble and break up friendships." Gossip always causes hurt and divisions, and it destroys fellowship, and G.o.d is very clear that we are to confront those who cause division among Christians. They may get mad and leave your group or church if you confront them about their divisive actions, but the fellowship of the church is more important than any individual. Gossip always causes hurt and divisions, and it destroys fellowship, and G.o.d is very clear that we are to confront those who cause division among Christians. They may get mad and leave your group or church if you confront them about their divisive actions, but the fellowship of the church is more important than any individual.

Cultivating community takes frequency. You You must must have frequent, regular contact with your group in order to build genuine fellowship. Relationships take time. The Bible tells us, have frequent, regular contact with your group in order to build genuine fellowship. Relationships take time. The Bible tells us, "Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another:" "Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another:" We are to develop the We are to develop the habit habit of meeting together. A habit is something you do with frequency, not occasionally. You have to spend time with people-a of meeting together. A habit is something you do with frequency, not occasionally. You have to spend time with people-a lot of time-to lot of time-to build deep relationships. This is why fellowship is so shallow in many churches; we don't spend enough time together, and the time we do spend is usually listening to one person speak. build deep relationships. This is why fellowship is so shallow in many churches; we don't spend enough time together, and the time we do spend is usually listening to one person speak.

Community is built not on convenience ("we'll get together when I feel like it") but on the conviction that I need it for spiritual health. If you want to cultivate real fellowship, it will mean meeting together even when you don't feel like it, because you you believe it is important. The first believe it is important. The first Christians met together every day! "They worshiped together regularly at the Temple each day, met in small groups in homes for Communion, and shared their meals with great joy and thankfulness." "They worshiped together regularly at the Temple each day, met in small groups in homes for Communion, and shared their meals with great joy and thankfulness." Fellowship requires an investment of time. Fellowship requires an investment of time.

If you are a member of a small group or cla.s.s, I urge you to make a group covenant that includes the nine characteristics of biblical fellowship: We will share our true feelings (authenticity), encourage each other (mutuality), support each other (sympathy), forgive each other (mercy), speak the truth in love (honesty), admit our weaknesses (humility), respect our differences, (courtesy), not gossip (confidentiality), and make group a priority (frequency).

When you look at the list of characteristics, it is obvious why genuine fellowship is so rare. It means giving up our selfcenteredness and independence in order to become interdependent. But the benefits of sharing life together far outweigh the costs, and it prepares us for heaven.

DAY NINETEEN THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSEPoint to Ponder: Community requires commitment. Community requires commitment.Verse to Remember: "We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers." 1 "We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers." 1 John 3:16 John 3:16 (GWT) (GWT)Question to Consider: How can I help cultivate today the characteristics of real community in my small group and my church? How can I help cultivate today the characteristics of real community in my small group and my church?

Restoring Broken Fellowship[G.o.d] has restored our relationship with him through Christ, and has given us this ministry of restoring relationships. 2 Corinthians 5:18 Corinthians 5:18 (GWT) (GWT)Relationships are always worth restoring.

Because life is all about learning how to love, G.o.d wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt, or a conflict. In fact, the Bible tells us that G.o.d has given us the ministry of restoring relationships. For this reason a significant amount of the New Testament is devoted to teaching us how to get along with one another. Paul wrote, "If you've gotten anything at all out offollowing Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,... Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends." "If you've gotten anything at all out offollowing Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,... Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends." Paul taught that our ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity. Paul taught that our ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity.

Since Christ wants his family to be known for our love for each other, broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers. This is why Paul was so embarra.s.sed that the members of the church in Corinth were splitting into warring factions and even taking each other to court. He wrote, "Shame on you! Surely there is at least one wise person in your fellowship who can settle a dispute between fellow Christians.' "Shame on you! Surely there is at least one wise person in your fellowship who can settle a dispute between fellow Christians.' He was shocked that no one in the church was mature He was shocked that no one in the church was mature

enough to resolve the conflict peaceably. In the same letter, he said, "I'll put it as urgently as I can: You "I'll put it as urgently as I can: You must must get along with each other." get along with each other."

If you want G.o.d's blessing on your life and you want to be known as a child of G.o.d, you must learn to be a peacemaker. Jesus said, "G.o.d blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of G.o.d." "G.o.d blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of G.o.d." Notice Jesus didn't say, "Blessed are the peace lovers," because everyone Notice Jesus didn't say, "Blessed are the peace lovers," because everyone loves loves peace. Neither did he say, "Blessed are the peaceable," who are never disturbed by anything. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who peace. Neither did he say, "Blessed are the peaceable," who are never disturbed by anything. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who work work for peace" those who actively seek to resolve conflict. Peacemakers are rare because peacemaking is hard work. for peace" those who actively seek to resolve conflict. Peacemakers are rare because peacemaking is hard work.

Because you were formed to be a part of G.o.d's family and the second purpose of your life on earth is to learn how to love and relate to others, peacemaking is one of the most important skills you can develop. Unfortunately, most of us were never taught how to resolve conflict.

Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict. avoiding conflict. Running from a problem, pretending it doesn't exist, or being afraid to talk about it is actually cowardice. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was never afraid of conflict. On occasion he Running from a problem, pretending it doesn't exist, or being afraid to talk about it is actually cowardice. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was never afraid of conflict. On occasion he provoked provoked it for the good of everyone. Sometimes we need to avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and sometimes we need to resolve it. That's why we must pray for the Holy Spirit's continual guidance. it for the good of everyone. Sometimes we need to avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and sometimes we need to resolve it. That's why we must pray for the Holy Spirit's continual guidance.

Peacemaking is also not appeas.e.m.e.nt. appeas.e.m.e.nt. Always giving in, acting like a doormat, and allowing others to always run over you is not what Jesus had in mind. He refused to back down on many issues, standing his ground in the face of evil opposition. Always giving in, acting like a doormat, and allowing others to always run over you is not what Jesus had in mind. He refused to back down on many issues, standing his ground in the face of evil opposition.

HOW TO RESTORE A RELATIONSHIP.

As believers, G.o.d has "called us to settle our relationships with each other." "called us to settle our relationships with each other." Here are seven biblical steps to restoring fellowship: Here are seven biblical steps to restoring fellowship: Talk to G.o.d before talking to the person. Discuss the problem with G.o.d. If you will pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either G.o.d changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you would just pray more about them. Discuss the problem with G.o.d. If you will pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either G.o.d changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you would just pray more about them.

As David did with his psalms, use prayer to ventilate vertically. ventilate vertically. Tell G.o.d your frustrations. Cry out to him. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel. Tell G.o.d your frustrations. Cry out to him. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel.

Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of these needs can only be met by G.o.d. When you expect anyone-a friend, spouse, boss, or family member-to meet a need that only G.o.d can fulfill, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness. No one No one can meet all of your needs except G.o.d. can meet all of your needs except G.o.d.

The apostle James noted that many of our conflicts are caused by prayerlessness: "What causes fights and quarrels among you? ... You want something but don't get it.... You do not have, because you do not ask G.o.d." "What causes fights and quarrels among you? ... You want something but don't get it.... You do not have, because you do not ask G.o.d." Instead of looking to G.o.d, we look to others to make us happy and then get angry when they fail us. G.o.d says, "Why don't you come to me first?" Instead of looking to G.o.d, we look to others to make us happy and then get angry when they fail us. G.o.d says, "Why don't you come to me first?"

Always take the initiative. It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: G.o.d expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even takes priority over group worship. He said, It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: G.o.d expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even takes priority over group worship. He said, "If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with "If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with G.o.d.'

When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Don't procrastinate, make excuses, or promise "I'll get around to it someday." Schedule a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.

Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with G.o.d and keeps our prayers from being answered," besides making us miserable. Job's friends reminded him, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do" "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do" and and "You are only hurting yourself with your anger." "You are only hurting yourself with your anger."

The success of a peace conference often depends on choosing the right time and place to meet. Don't meet when either of you are tired or rushed or will be interrupted. The best time is when you both are at your best.

Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people's feelings. Paul advised, Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people's feelings. Paul advised, "Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own." "Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own."

The phrase "look out for" is the Greek word skopos, skopos, from which we form our words from which we form our words telescope telescope and and microscope. microscope. It means pay close attention! Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions. It means pay close attention! Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.

Don't try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don't agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, "When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal." "When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal." We all act beastly when hurt. We all act beastly when hurt.

In contrast, the Bible says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.' "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.' Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me." The cliche is true: People don't care what we know until they know we care. Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me." The cliche is true: People don't care what we know until they know we care.

To restore fellowship "we must bear the burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others.... Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good." "we must bear the burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others.... Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good." It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you: It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you: "Christ did not indulge his own feelings... as scripture says: "Christ did not indulge his own feelings... as scripture says: The insults of those who insult you fall on me.' The insults of those who insult you fall on me.'

Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes or sin. Jesus said it's the way to see things more clearly: If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes or sin. Jesus said it's the way to see things more clearly: "First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.' "First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.'

Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also ask G.o.d to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, "Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive?" The Bible says, "If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves." "If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves."

Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Often the way we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem itself. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other person's anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don't make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

Attack the problem, not the person. You cannot fix the problem if you're consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. The Bible says, You cannot fix the problem if you're consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. The Bible says, "A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper fire." "A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper fire." You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one. You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.

In resolving conflict, how you how you say it is as important as say it is as important as what you what you say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. G.o.d tells us, say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. G.o.d tells us, "A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is." "A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is." Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you're abrasive. Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you're abrasive.

During the Cold War, both sides agreed that some weapons were so destructive they should never be used. Today chemical and biological weapons are banned, and the stockpiles of nuclear weapons are being reduced and destroyed. For the sake of fellowship, you must destroy your a.r.s.enal of relational nuclear weapons, including condemning, belittling, comparing, labeling, insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Paul sums it up this way: "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you." "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you."

Cooperate as much as possible. Paul said, Paul said, "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self centeredness. For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need. A paraphrase of Jesus' seventh beat.i.tude says, Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self centeredness. For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need. A paraphrase of Jesus' seventh beat.i.tude says, "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in G.o.d's family." "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in G.o.d's family."

In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say.[image]Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem.

Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

We can reestablish a relationship even when we are unable to resolve our differences. Christians often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree without being disagreeable. The same diamond looks different from different angles. G.o.d expects unity, not uniformity, and we can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.

This doesn't mean you give up on finding a solution. You may need to continue discussing and even debating-but you do it in a spirit of harmony. Reconciliation means you bury the hatchet, not necessarily the issue.

Who do you need to contact as a result of this chapter? With whom do you need to restore fellowship? Don't delay another second. Pause right now and talk to G.o.d about that person. Then pick up the phone and begin the process. These seven steps are simple, but they are not easy. It takes a lot of effort to restore a relationship. That's why Peter urged, "Work hard at living in peace with others." "Work hard at living in peace with others." But when you work for peace, you are doing what G.o.d would do. That's why G.o.d calls peacemakers his children. But when you work for peace, you are doing what G.o.d would do. That's why G.o.d calls peacemakers his children.

DAY TWENTY THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSEPoint to Ponder: Relationships are always worth restoring. Relationships are always worth restoring.Verse to Remember: "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody."Romans 12:18 (TEV) Question to Consider: Question to Consider: Who do I need to restore a broken relationship with today? Who do I need to restore a broken relationship with today?

Protecting Your Church You are joined together with peace through the spirit, so make every effort to continue together in this way. Ephesians 4:3 (NCV) Ephesians 4:3 (NCV)Most of all, let love guide your life, for then the whole church will stay together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:14 (LB) Colossians 3:14 (LB)It is your job to protect the unity of your church.

Unity in the church is so important that the New Testament gives more attention to it than to either heaven or h.e.l.l. G.o.d deeply desires that we experience oneness oneness and harmony with each other. and harmony with each other.

Unity is the soul of fellowship. Destroy it, and you rip the heart out of Christ's Body. It is the essence, the core, of how G.o.d intends for us to experience life together in his church. Our supreme model for unity is the Trinity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are completely unified as one. G.o.d himself is the highest example of sacrificial love, humble other-centeredness, and perfect harmony.

Just like every parent, our heavenly Father enjoys watching his children get along with each other. In his final moments before being arrested, Jesus prayed pa.s.sionately for our unity. It was our unity that was uppermost in his mind during those agonizing hours. That shows how significant this subject is.

Nothing on earth is more valuable to G.o.d than his church. He paid the highest price for it, and he wants it protected, especially from the devastating damage that is caused by division, conflict, and disharmony. If you are a part of G.o.d's family, it is your responsibility to protect the unity