_From my Study, up one Pair of Stairs, ill-contrived Streetwards, August 9th, 1719._

THE ART OF PUNNING.

"Punnata dic.u.n.tur, id ipsum, quod sunt, aliorum esse dic.u.n.tur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud referuntur."

Puns, in their very nature and const.i.tution, have a relation to something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as well.

_The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan._

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, pa.s.sing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a t.i.tillary motion in those parts; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the c.o.c.kles of the heart.

_The Moral Definition of Punning._

Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing.

N.B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms examples to the following rules.

Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift[9], who said, when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,

"Mantua vae miserae nimium vicina Cremonae!"

[9] In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.

Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000.

R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good a.s.surance, like my Lord B----, who puns in all companies.

R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better a.s.surance, like Brigadier C----, who said, 'That, as he was pa.s.sing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own _hair_, or a perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.

R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best a.s.surance, like Dr.

D----, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.

R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them; as Dr. E---- and Mr. F---- frequently do.

I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G---- saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a _leg as he_.'

They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.

R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold. _Ex. gr._ suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That is a _Carthaginian_ war:'

Q. How, sir?

A. Why, sir, it is a _Pun-ick_ war.

R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.

Q. Who was the first drawer?

A. _Potiphar._

Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?

A. The _hips_.

Q. Who were the first bakers?

A. The _Crustumenians_. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).

Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?

A. _Middle-s.e.x._

Q. What part of England has the most _dogs_?

A. _Bark-shire._

Q. From whence come the first _tumblers_?

A. From _Somerset_.

Q. Who were the first _mortgagers of land_?

A. The people of _c.u.mber-land_.

Q. What men in the world are the best _soldiers_?

A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their _fire-locks_ upon their shoulders.

Q. Why should a man in debt be called _a diver_?

A. Because he has _dipped_ over head and ears.

Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?

A. Because they come with a _hoop_ and a _hollow_.

Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?

A. Because they are _in-sects_.

Q. Where were the first _breeches_ made?

A. At _Thy-atira_.