_Sir Wil_. Young enough To dandle still her doll!

_W. Green_. Sir William Fondlove!

_Sir Wil_. Dear Widow Green!

_W. Green_. I hate you, sir! Detest you! Never wish To see you more! You have ruined me! Undone me!

A blighted life I wear, and all through you!

The fairest hopes that ever woman nourished, You've cankered in the very blowing! bloom And sweet destroyed, and nothing left me, but The melancholy stem.

_Sir Wil_. And all about A little s.l.u.t I gave a rattle to!-- Would pester me for gingerbread and comfits!-- A little roguish feigning! A love-trick I played to prove your love!

_W. Green_. Sir William Fondlove!

If of my own house you'll not suffer me To be the mistress, I will leave it to you!

_Sir Wil_. Dear Widow Green! The ring--

_W. Green_. Confound the ring, The donor of it, thee, and everything!

[Goes out.]

_Sir Wil_. She is over head and ears in love with me!

She's mad with love! There's love and all its signs!

She's jealous of me unto very death!

Poor Widow Green! I warrant she is now In tears! I think I hear her sob! Poor thing!

Sir William! Oh, Sir William! You have raised A furious tempest! Set your wits to work To turn it to a calm. No question that She loves me! None then that she'll take me! So I'll have the marriage settlements made out To-morrow, and a special licence got, And marry her the next day! I will make Quick work of it, and take her by surprise!

Who but a widower a widow's match?

What could she see with else but partial eyes To guess me only forty? I'm a wonder!

What shall I pa.s.s for in my wedding suit?

I vow I am a puzzle to myself, As well as all the world besides. Odd's life!

To win the heart of buxom Widow Green!

[Goes out.]

[WIDOW GREEN re-enters with LYDIA.]

_W. Green_. At last the dotard's gone! Fly, Lydia, fly, This letter bear to Master Waller straight; Quick, quick, or I'm undone! He is abused, And I must undeceive him--own my love, And heart and hand at his disposal lay.

Answer me not, my girl--obey me! Fly.

[Goes out.]

_Lydia_. Untowardly it falls!--I had resolved This hour to tell her I must quit her service!

Go to his house! I will not disobey Her last commands!--I'll leave it at the door, And as it closes on me think I take One more adieu of him! Hard destiny!

[Goes out.]

SCENE II.--A Room in Sir William's.

[Enter CONSTANCE.]

_Con_. The b.o.o.by! He must fall in love, indeed!

And now he's naught but sentimental looks And sentences, p.r.o.nounced 'twixt breath and voice!

And att.i.tudes of tender languishment!

Nor can I get from him the name of her Hath turned him from a stock into a fool.

He hems and haws, now t.i.tters, now looks grave!

Begins to speak and halts! takes off his eyes To fall in contemplation on a chair, A table, or the ceiling, wall, or floor!

I'll plague him worse and worse! O, here he comes!

[Enter WILDRAKE.]

_Wild_. Despite her spiteful usage I'm resolved To tell her now. Dear neighbour Constance!

_Con_. Fool!

Accost me like a lady, sir! I hate The name of neighbour!

_Wild_. Mistress Constance, then-- I'll call thee that.

_Con_. Don't call me anything!

I hate to hear thee speak--to look at thee, To dwell in the same house with thee!

_Wild_. In what Have I offended?

_Con_. What!--I hate an ape!

_Wild_. An ape!

_Con_. Who bade thee ape the gentleman?

And put on dress that don't belong to thee?

Go! change thee with thy whipper-in or huntsman, And none will doubt thou wearest thy own clothes.

_Wild_. A pretty pa.s.s! Mocked for the very dress I bought to pleasure her! Untoward things Are women! [Aside. Walks backwards and forwards.]

_Con_. Do you call that walking? Pray What makes you twist your body so, and take Such pains to turn your toes out? If you'd walk, Walk thus! Walk like a man, as I do now!

[Walking]

Is yours the way a gentleman should walk?

You neither walk like man nor gentleman!

I'll show you how you walk. [Mimicking him.]

Do you call that walking?

_Wild_. My thanks, for a drill-sergeant twice a day For her sake! [Aside.]

_Con_. Now, of all things in the world, What made you dance last night?

_Wild_. What made me dance?