When they came back, Papa said they couldn't find her. They gave up hope after that. Everyone knew Elen was dead. She was gone, and my family would noteven have the 245smallest comfort of burying her body.

Papa had found my doll washed up on a bank. He gave it back to me. With no body to bury, there was no funeral and no stone for her in the family cemetery. So I found one I thought pretty. I t took me days to roll it from the river and up the hill and inside the burying place.

Drained, I looked up at him. "Will ye tell God how sorry I am? Will ye ask him to forgive me?"

"Y ou've only to ask him yourself, child. The Lord does not despise a broken and contrite heart. The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving- kindness. Y ou've confessed your sins. Now, will you trust in him?"

I thought about it but a moment and decided. "Y es."

"Well done. What's your name, child?"

"Cadi Forbes."

"Well, then, Cadi Forbes, do you accept Jesus Christas your Savior and Lord?"

"Y es, sir. I will."

"And will you give up and let go of your ins and leave them at the cross of Jesus? Will you let yourself be washed clean?" "Please."

"So be it." He lifted me from his lap, stood and held out his hand. "There's one 246more thing to be done, and God will have the first fruits of this valley." He led me to the river, walking into a pool until the water was midway up his thighs. I had to hold tight to him or be swept away. "Lean into my arms, Cadi, that I might baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit."

The icy water closed over my head, shocking my body briefly, before the man raised me up and set me on my feet again. I shivered with cold and exhilaration.

My body felt charged like the air after a lightning strike.

I wanted to shout but held quiet, knowing I 'd only bring trouble down on our heads. The current was strong, and I held tight to the man of God as we made our way back to the bank."I have to go now."

"Y ou've more to learn."

"I 'll be back." Trembling with cold and excitement, I flung my arms around his waist and hugged him before I hurried back to the shallows and splashed my way across the river. As soon as I reached the other side, I ran. Blood pumping, legs pumping, I raced across the meadow and up the hill through the woods. I wanted to laugh, to shout, to sing out a song of deliverance.

Miz Elda was sitting in herrocker, waiting 248for me. "Well?" she said as I came panting breathless to the porch.

"I t's done!"

"What's done?"

Clambering up the steps, I laughed breathlessly, tears running down my cheeks, and hugged her. "I 've been saved, Miz Elda. I 've been washed clean."

"Y e're wet is what ye are! Have ye lost yer senses swimming in the river at night? Leave go, child. Y e're soaking me through."soaking me through."

"Oh, Miz Elda, Miz Elda -"

"Leave go, I say!" She pushed me away and rose from her chair unsteadily, her eyes bright. "Now come on into the house and get those clothes off. Get a blanket around ye before ye catch yer death and end up in heaven before I do. Y e can tell me everything when ye're bundled up."

"Everything's all right now, Miz Elda. Everything's going to be fine."

But it wasn't fine. Not right away, anyhow. I 'd run off so fast, I hadn't heard everything the man of God had tried to tell me, and I wasn't prepared for what was to come.

I didn't realize I was entering a battle - one I could win only by trusting in the Lord. And trust, for me, ain't easy to do. I t's a earned thing, comin' one step at a time. I knew nothin' of the world and who'd been 247.

let loose upon it. But I had been so desperate forhelp, filled with sorrow, drowning in guilt.

I never once figured on God using me the way he did.

249.

Fagan came by Miz Elda's cabin the next morning.

"What happened? Y ou look different."

"How so?" I couldn't help wondering if I looked as good on the outside as I felt on the inside. I stood on the porch, balancing a basket of dirty laundry on my hip the way Mama sometimes did.

"Y ou're smiling. Ain't seen you smile much. Y ou look pretty."

I felt shy of a sudden, wondering if I looked foolish to him with the heat coming up in my face. I was mortified, especially after what I 'd told Iwan.

"What ye turning all red for?"

I might have gained some semblance of calm if he hadn't gone and said that! "Nothing." The shine clouded over. "What're ye doing here so early?" I said, wishing he'd stop looking at me like I was some new bug he'd found.bug he'd found.

He held up a string of trout I hadn't noticed. "Thought Miz Elda might like some fresh fish. She up and about yet?"

250"Nope."

"Late for her. She's an early riser."

"We talked near all night."

"About what?"

"As if it's any of your business." I came down the steps.

"Why're ye so het up of a sudden? What'd I do?"

"I f ye gotta know, I went down and heard the man of God last night. That's what we talked about."

Fagan's face tensed up, and he gave a quick look around. "Y e shouldn't talk about him so open like. Y e can't know who's around to hear ye. Do ye want these or not?" He held out the fish.

"She'll be much obliged, I 'm sure." I set the basket down and took the fish. "I 'll put them in some water." Iwent back up the steps and inside, not reckoning on Fagan following. He stopped just inside the doorway and looked around. I t was a danksmelling, small, mean cabin, but some improved from my sweeping and washing the table and dishes and opening the shutters to let some air in. I ladled water into a bowl and laid the fish in it.

"Y our folks know ye went down there?" he said in a whisper.

"Nope. I f it weren't for Miz Elda, I 251wouldn't have been able to go. She's helping me out."

"How so?"

"I couldn't go nowhere without Pa asking where I went and what I was doing.And then Mama started asking questions. So Miz Elda said she was feeling poorly and wanted me to stay with her awhile and help her out. So here I am."

He glanced toward the bed where Miz Elda was sleeping. "She sounds pretty bad.""She always sounds that way when she's sleeping."

We stood a moment and listened to her snore and wheeze and whistle. I giggled. "She makes more noise than Papa and Iwan put together."

"Don't reckon you'll be getting much sleep as long as ye're staying here," Fagan whispered, grinning.

"Don't matter." I headed for the door. I wanted to talk more to Fagan and dinna want to wake Miz Elda. "I was doing some chores for her," I said when we were on the porch. I went down the steps and picked up the basket. "I already swept out the house and washed the table and dishes. Her clothes ain't been washed in a week of Sundays and neither has her bedding. I figured on doing that and restuffing her mattress as 252soon as she gets off it. There's hay and dried clover in the barn."

"What's got into you?"

"I gotta do summat until nightfall. Makes the time pass quicker to be busy, and it'll help Miz Elda. She ain't been up to it in a long time. Y ou want to help? Her vegetable garden needs weeding and watering.""That's woman's work."

"Well, then, I guess ye can't be bothered hanging around here, can ye? I 'll tell her ye brought the little fish."

"Cool down." He followed me. "I f ye tell me what that preacher said to you last night, I 'll chop wood to last a week."

I told him, leaving not the smallest detail out. I knew by the look on his face that I 'd have company that night.

Miz Elda came out past noon, a ragged blanket wrapped around her, her gray hair sticking up all over her head. "Cadi Forbes! Where in blazes are my clothes?!"

I ran and took her dress and undergarments off the line and ran to her with them. "I washed 'em, ma'am.

I 've been so busy, I forgot to put 'em back inside for ye."

"Busy doing what?"

"Weeding and watering your garden." She was staring across at Fagan stacking firewood. "Hestaring across at Fagan stacking firewood. "He brought some trout for ye this 253morning. They're in a pan of water on your table."

"T oo small for Brogan most likely."

I took offense for his sake. "Fagan cares about you, Miz Elda. Else he wouldn't go against his father and come see ye at all." I nodded toward him. "He's chopping ye firewood."

"I can see that. I ain't blind yet." She eyed me dolefully. "Pretty quick to his defense, ain't ye? How long's he been here?"

"Since just after sunup."

"That long? I suppose ye spilled the beans to him about last night."

"Fagan's going with me soon as he can sneak out."

She frowned. "Think what ye're doing, Cadi Forbes."

"I t was his own idea to go, Miz Elda. I dinna ask him."

"Y e're fanning a fire in that boy that could burn him up and send him straight to kingdom come.""Maybe he'll get saved just like me."

"That's fine for the hereafter, but as for now he's still got to live with his pa."

"He might get a tanning for going down there, but once they hear -"

"Maybe ye're the one who needs eyes to see, Cadi, girl. Have ye never noticed the 254marks that boy bears or asked yerself why he's away from home from dawn to dark? Brogan's beaten the spirit out of his mama and brothers, but there's summat in Fagan that won't be conquered."

There was an odd look in Miz Elda's eyes when she spoke of Fagan - part pride, part despair. She stood watching him a moment and then looked at me again.

"Go careful or reap the whirlwind!"

Fagan came back shortly after dark. His father and older brothers had said they were going coon hunting.

"Thought he'd leave Douglas home, he was so mad."

"Why?""Douglas put too much powder in his gun again. Pa said he's going to blow himself to kingdom come yet if he don't pay more mind to what he's doing. Ma went to bed."

"She sick?" Miz Elda wanted to know. "Just tired."

He looked away. "She gets real sad sometimes. Don't say why."

The old woman stared off into the darkness. "Comes of getting what you thought you wanted and finding out it ain't what you thought it would be."

Fagan looked at her, something flickering across his face.

Miz Elda seemed more troubled as time 255went on. "I 've been remembering things from long past. I dreamed about my mother last night," she said. "She was sitting before the hearth looking so young. She was sewing and I was a little girl again.

She said, `The eyes of the Lord are in every place, Elda, watching the evil and the good.' And I asked her why he dinna do nothing to make things right."

I leaned forward. "What did she say?""She said he was waiting."

"Waiting for what, ma'am?"

"Well, now, if I knew that I wouldn't be so troubled by the dream, would I?"

"She was just asking, Miz Elda."

"Always asking questions," Miz Elda said. "Always looking into what's none of her business and going where she shouldn't ought to go. That's her trouble, and now she's gone and got us both doing it and no telling where it'll end!"

"Y ou're just afeared for us, Miz Elda, and ye don't gotta be." I was too eager to hear more from the man of God to be upset or dampened by her misgivings.

"I 'm going before it gets any darker."

Fagan got up, as ready as I was.

"God help ye both," Miz Elda said, hands tight folded in her lap. "God help ye."

"Hold up," Fagan said as I ran ahead. He256could not keep up with me for I fair flew o'er the ground. I had waited all day to run down the mountainside, across the meadow to the river. I waded in without hesitation, arms outstretched to keep my balance. On the far shore, the man of God arose, ready to speak.

"Fagan's come with me, sir. He wants to hear what God has to say, too."

The man stood his ground, a black shadow against a starlit sky. "Have you heardthe name of Jesus Christ, boy?"

"Only in a curse, sir." Fagan's voice shook.