"This here's still okay for another two weeks. No reason to mow now."

"That's for me to decide, am I right?"

I gave her a quick look. Well, she did have me there.

"I want it shorter. That's what I'm paying you money for. Fair enough?"

I nodded. "I'll be done in four hours."

"Awful slow, don't you think?"

"I like to work slow."

"Well, suit yourself."

I went to the van, took out the electric lawn mower, gra.s.s clippers, rake, garbage bag, my thermos of iced coffee, and my transistor radio, and brought them into the yard. The sun was climbing steadily toward the center of the sky. The temperature was also rising steadily. Meanwhile, as I was hauling out my equipment, the woman had lined up ten pairs of shoes by the front door and began dusting them with a rag. All of them women's shoes, but of two different sizes, small and extra-large.

"Would it be all right if I put on some music while I work?" I asked.

The woman looked up from where she crouched. "Fine by me. I like music myself."

Immediately I set about picking up whatever stones lay around the yard, and only then started up the lawn mower. Stones can really damage the blades. The mower was fitted with a plastic receptacle to collect all the clippings. I'd remove this receptacle whenever it got too full and empty the clippings into the garbage bag. With two thousand square feet to mow, even a short growth can amount to a lot of clippings. The sun kept broiling down on me. I stripped off my sweat-soaked T-shirt and kept working. In my shorts, I must have looked dressed down for some barbecue. I was all sweat. At this rate, I could have kept drinking water and drinking water and still not p.i.s.sed a drop.

After about an hour of mowing, I took a break and sat myself down under the camphor tree to drink some iced coffee. I could feel my entire body just drinking up the sugar. Cicadas were droning overhead. I turned on the radio and poked around the dial for a decent disc jockey. I stopped when I came to a station playing Three Dog Night's "Mama Told Me Not to Come," lay down on my back, and just looked up through my shades at the sun filtering between the branches.

The woman came and planted herself by my head. Viewed from below, she resembled the camphor tree. Her right hand held a gla.s.s, and in it whiskey and ice were aswirl in the summer light.

"Hot, eh?" she said.

"You said it," I replied.

"So what's a guy like you do for lunch?"

I looked at my watch. It was 11:20.

"When noon rolls around, I'll go get myself something to eat somewhere. I think there's a hamburger stand nearby."

"No need to go out of your way. I'll fix you a sandwich or something."

"Really, it's all right. I always go off to get a bite."

She raised the gla.s.s of whiskey to her mouth and downed half of it in one swallow. Then she pursed her lips and let out a sigh. "No bother to me. I was going to make something for myself anyway. C'mon, let me get you something."

"Well, then, all right. Much obliged."

"That's okay," she said, and trudged back into the house, slowly swaying at the shoulders.

I worked with the gra.s.s clippers until twelve. First, I went over the uneven spots in my mowing job; then, after raking up the clippings, I proceeded to trim where the mower hadn't reached. Real time-consuming work. If I'd wanted to do just an adequate job, I could have done only so much and no more; if I wanted to do it right, I could do it right. But just because I'd get down to details didn't necessarily mean my labors were always appreciated. Some folks would call it tedious nit-picking. Still, as I said before, I'm one for doing my best. It's just my nature. And even more, it's a matter of pride.

A noon whistle went off somewhere, and the woman took me into the kitchen for sandwiches. The kitchen wasn't big, but it was clean and tidy. And except for the humming of the huge refrigerator, all was quiet. The plates and silverware were practically antiques. She offered me a beer, which I declined, seeing as I was "still on the job." So she served me some orange juice instead. She herself, however, had a beer. A half-empty bottle of White Horse stood prominently on the table, and the sink was filled with all kinds of empty bottles.

I enjoyed the sandwich. Ham, lettuce, and cuc.u.mber, with a tang of mustard. Excellent sandwich, I told her. Sandwiches were the only things she was good at, she said. She didn't eat a bite, though-just nibbled at a pickle, and devoted the rest of her attention to her beer. She wasn't especially talkative, nor did I have anything worth bringing up.

At twelve-thirty, I returned to the lawn. My last afternoon lawn.

I listened to rock music on FEN while I gave one last touch-up trim, then raked the lawn repeatedly and checked from several angles for any overlooked places, just like barbers do. By one-thirty, I was two-thirds done. Time and again, sweat would get into my eyes, and I would go douse my face at the outdoor faucet. A couple of times I got a hard-on, then it would go away. Pretty ridiculous, getting a hard-on just mowing a lawn.

I finished working by two-twenty. I turned off the radio, took off my shoes, and walked all over the lawn in my bare feet: nothing left untrimmed, no uneven patches. Smooth as a carpet.

"Even now, I still like you," she had written in her last letter. "You're kind, and one of the finest people I know. But somehow, that just wasn't enough. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. It's a terrible thing to say, I know, and it probably won't amount to much of an explanation. Nineteen is an awful age to be. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to explain things better, but after a few years it probably won't matter anymore, will it?"

I washed my face at the faucet, then loaded my equipment back into the van and changed into a new T-shirt. Having done that, I went to the front door of the house to announce that I'd finished.

"How about a beer?" the woman asked.

"Don't mind if I do," I said. What could be the harm of one beer, after all?

Standing side by side at the edge of the yard, we surveyed the lawn, I with my beer, she with a long vodka tonic, no lemon. Her tall gla.s.s was the kind they give away at liquor stores. The cicadas were still chirping the whole while. The woman didn't look a bit drunk; only her breathing seemed a little unnatural, drawn slow between her teeth with a slight wheeze.

"You do good work," she said. "I've called in a lot of lawn-maintenance people before, but you're the first to do this good a job."

"You're very kind," I said.

"My late husband was fussy about the lawn, you know. Always did a crack job himself. Very much like the way you work."

I took out my cigarettes and offered her one. As we stood there smoking, I noticed how big her hands were compared to mine. Big enough to dwarf both the gla.s.s in her right hand and the Hope regular in her left. Her fingers were stubby-no rings-and several of the nails had strong vertical lines running through them.

"Whenever my husband got any time off, he'd always be mowing the lawn. But mind you, he was no oddball."

I tried to conjure up an image of the woman's husband, but I couldn't quite picture the guy. Any more than I could imagine a camphor-tree husband and wife.

The woman wheezed again. "Ever since my husband pa.s.sed away," she said, "I've had to call in professionals. I can't stand too much sun, you know, and my daughter, she doesn't like getting tanned. Other than to get a tan, no real reason for a young girl to be mowing lawns anyway, right?"

I nodded.

"My, but I do like the way you work, though. That's the way lawns ought to be mowed."

I looked the lawn over one more time. The woman belched.

"Come again next month, okay?"

"Next month's no good," I said.

"How's that?" she said.

"This job here today's my last," I said. "If I don't get myself back on the ball with my studies, my grade point average is going to be in real trouble."

The woman looked me hard in the face, then glanced at my feet, then looked back at my face.

"A student, eh?"

"Yeah," I said.

"What school?"

The name of the university made no visible impression on her. It wasn't a very impressive university. She just scratched behind her ear with her index finger.

"So you're giving up this line of work, then?"

"Yeah, for this summer at least," I said. No more mowing lawns for me this summer. Nor next summer, nor the next.

The woman filled her cheeks with vodka tonic as if she were going to gargle, then gulped down her precious mouthwash half a swallow at a time. Her whole forehead beaded up with sweat, like it was crawling with tiny bugs.

"Come inside," the woman said. "It's too hot outdoors."

I looked at my watch. Two thirty-five. Getting late? Still early? I couldn't make up my mind. I'd already finished with all my work. From tomorrow, I wouldn't have to mow another inch of gra.s.s. I had really mixed feelings.

"You in a hurry?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"So why don't you just come in and have something cool to drink before you get on your way? Won't take much time. And besides, I've got something I want you to see."

Something she wants me to see?

Still, there was no hesitating, one way or another. She had already started to shuffle off ahead of me. She didn't even bother to look back in my direction. I had no choice but to follow her. I felt kind of light-headed from the heat.

The interior of the house was just as deathly quiet as before. Ducking in from the flood of summer afternoon light so suddenly, I felt my eyes tingle from deep behind my pupils. Darkness-in a dim, somehow dilute solution-washed through the place, a darkness that seemed to have settled in decades ago. The air was chilly, but not with the chill of air-conditioning. It was the fluid chill of air in motion: Somewhere a breeze was getting in, somewhere it was leaking out.

"This way," the woman said, traipsing off down a long, straight hallway. There were several windows along the pa.s.sage, but the stone wall of a neighboring house and an overgrowth of zelkova trees still managed to block out the light. All sorts of smells drifted the length of the hallway, each recalling something different. Time-worn smells, built up over time, only to dissipate in time. The smell of old clothes and old furniture, old books, old lives. At the end of the hallway was a staircase. The woman turned around to make sure I was following, then headed up the stairs. The old boards creaked with every step.

At the top of the stairs, some light finally shone into the house. The window on the landing had no curtain, and the summer sun pooled on the floor. There were only two rooms upstairs, one a storage room, the other a regular bedroom. The smoky-green door had a small frosted-gla.s.s portal. The green paint had begun to chip slightly, and the bra.s.s doork.n.o.b was patinaed white on the handgrip.

The woman pursed her lips and blew out a slow stream of air, set her empty vodka-tonic gla.s.s on the windowsill, fished a key ring out of her dress pocket, and noisily unlocked the door.

"Go on in," she said. We stepped into the room. Inside, it was pitch-black and stuffy, full of hot, still air. Only the thinnest silver-foil sheets of light sliced into the room from the cracks between the tightly closed shutters. I couldn't make out a thing, just flickering specks of airborne dust. The woman drew back the curtains, opened the windows, and slid back shutters that rattled in their tracks. Instantly, the room was swept with brilliant sunlight and a cool southerly breeze.

The bedroom was your typical teenage girl's room. Study desk by the window, small wood-framed bed over on the other side of the room. The bed was dressed in coral-blue sheets-not a wrinkle on them-and pillowcases of the same color. There was also a blanket folded at the foot of the bed. Next to the bed stood a wardrobe and a dresser on which were arranged a few toiletries. A hairbrush and a small pair of scissors, a lipstick, a compact, and whatnot. She didn't seem all that much of a makeup enthusiast.

Stacked on the desk were notebooks and two dictionaries, French and English. Both looked well used. Literally so; not ill-treated but handled with some care. An a.s.sortment of pens and pencils were neatly laid out in a small tray, along with an eraser worn round on one side only. Then there was an alarm clock, a desk lamp, and a gla.s.s paperweight. All quite plain. On the wood-paneled wall hung five full-color bird pictures and a calendar with only dates. A finger run over the desktop became white with dust, a whole month's worth. The calendar still read June.

Overall, though, I had to say the room was refreshingly uncluttered for a girl these days. No stuffed toys, no photos of rock stars. No frilly decorations or flower-print wastepaper bin. Just a built-in bookcase lined with anthologies, volumes of poetry, movie magazines, painting-exhibition catalogs. There were even some English paperbacks. I tried to form an image of the girl whose room this was, but the only face that came to mind was that of my ex-girlfriend.

The woman sat her middle-aged bulk down on the bed and looked at me. She had been following my line of vision all along but seemed to be thinking of something entirely different. Her eyes were turned in my direction, all right, yet she wasn't actually seeing anything. I plunked myself down in the chair by the desk and gazed at the plaster wall behind the woman. Nothing hung there; it was a blank wall. Stare at it long enough, though, and the top began to tilt in toward me. It seemed sure to topple over onto her head any minute. But of course, it wouldn't; the light just made it look that way.

"Won't you have something to drink?" she asked. I told her no.

"Really now, don't stand on ceremony. It's not like you're going to kick yourself afterward for having something."

So I said okay, I'd have the same, pointing to her vodka tonic, only watered down a bit, please. Five minutes later, she returned with two vodka tonics and an ashtray. I took a sip of my vodka tonic. It wasn't watered at all. I decided to smoke a cigarette and wait for the ice to melt.

"You've got a healthy body," she said. "You won't get drunk."

I nodded vaguely. My father was that way, too. Still, there hasn't been a human being yet won out in a match against alcohol. The only stories you hear are about people who never catch on to things until they've sunk past their noses. My father died when I was sixteen. A real fine-line case, his was. So fine I can hardly recall if he'd even been alive or not.

The woman remained silent all this time. The only sound she made was the tinkling of ice in her gla.s.s each time she took a sip. Every so often a cool breeze would blow in through the open window from another hill across the way to the south. A tranquil summer afternoon that seemed destined to put me to sleep. Somewhere, far off, a phone was ringing.

"Have a look inside the wardrobe," the woman prompted. I walked over to the wardrobe and opened the double doors, as I was told. The inside was absolutely packed with hangers and hangers of clothes. Half dresses, the other half skirts and blouses and jackets, all of them summer clothes. Some things looked pretty old, others as if they'd scarcely even been tried on. All the skirts were minis. Everything was nice enough, I suppose. The taste, the material, nothing that would catch your eye, but not bad.

With this many clothes, a girl could wear a different outfit each date for an entire summer. I looked at the rack of clothes awhile longer, then shut the door.

"Nice stuff," I said.

"Have a look in the drawers," the woman said. I was hesitant, but what could I do? I gave in and pulled open the drawers in the bottom of the wardrobe one by one. Going into a girl's room in her absence and turning it inside out-even with her mother's permission-wasn't my idea of the decent thing to do, but it would have been equally bothersome to refuse. Far be it from me to figure out what goes on in the mind of someone who starts. .h.i.tting the bottle at eleven in the morning. In the first big drawer on top were sweaters, polo shirts, and T-shirts, washed and neatly folded without a wrinkle. In the second drawer were handbags, belts, handkerchiefs, bracelets, plus a few fabric hats. In the third drawer, underwear, socks, and stockings. Everything was clean and neat. Somehow, it made me just a little sad, as if something were weighing down on my chest. I shut the last drawer.

The woman was still sitting on the bed, staring out the window at the scenery. The vodka tonic in her right hand was almost empty.

I returned to the chair and lit up a brand-new cigarette. The window looked out on a gentle slope that ran down to where another slope picked up. Greenery as far as the eye could see, hill and dale, with tract-house streets pasted on as an afterthought. Each house having its own yard, each yard its lawn.

"What d'you think?" asked the woman, eyes still fixed on the window. "You know, about the girl ..."

"How can I say without ever having met her?" I said.

"Most women, you look at their clothes, you know what they're like," she said.

I thought about my girlfriend. Then I tried to remember the sort of clothes she wore. I drew a blank. What I could recall of her was all too vague. No sooner had I begun to see her skirt than I lost sight of her blouse; I'd managed to bring her hat to mind when the face changed into some other girl's. I couldn't remember a single thing from just half a year before. When it came right down to it, what had had I known about her? I known about her?

"How can I say?" I repeated.

"General impressions are good enough. Whatever comes to mind. Anything you'd care to say, any little bit at all."

I took a sip of my vodka tonic to gain myself some time. The ice had almost all melted, making the tonic water taste like lemonade. The vodka still packed a punch going down, creating a warm glow in my stomach. A breeze burst through the window and sent white cigarette ash flying all over the desk.

"Seems she's nice-very nice-keeps everything in order," I said. "Not too pushy, though not without character, either. Grades in the upper mid-range of her cla.s.s. Goes to a women's college or junior college, doesn't have so many friends, but close ones ... Am I on target?"

"Keep going."

I swirled the gla.s.s around in my hand a couple of times, then set it down on the desk. "I don't know what more to say. In the first place, I don't even know if what I've said so far was anywhere close."

"You're pretty much on target," she said blankly, "pretty much on target."

Little by little, I was beginning to get a feel for the girl; her presence hovered over everything in the room like a hazy white shadow. No face, no hands, nothing. Just a barely perceptible disturbance in a sea of light. I took another sip of my vodka tonic.

"She's got a boyfriend," I continued, "or two. I don't know. I can't tell how close they are. But that's neither here nor there. What matters is ... she hasn't really taken to anything. Her own body, the things she thinks about, what she's looking for, what others seek in her ... the whole works."

"Uh-huh," the woman said after a moment's pause. "I see what you're saying."

I didn't. Oh, I knew what the words meant, but to whom were they directed? And from whose point of view? I was exhausted, wanted just to sleep. If only I could get some sleep, a lot of things would surely become clearer. All the same, I couldn't believe that getting things clearer would make them any easier.