The Collected Joe Abercrombie - The Collected Joe Abercrombie Part 286
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The Collected Joe Abercrombie Part 286

'Why would you take it off? You're king, now.'

'Then you're queen.' He slipped the chain over her head. 'And it looks better on you.' He let the diamond drop against her chest while she dragged her hair free.

'My husband goes away for a week and all he brings me is the North and everything in it?'

'That's just half your gift.' He moved as if to kiss her and held back at the last moment, clicking his teeth together just short of her mouth. 'I'll give you the rest later.'

'Promises, promises.'

'I need to talk to your father, just for a moment.'

'Talk, then.'

'Alone.'

'Men and their bloody chatter. Don't keep me waiting too long.' She leaned close, her lip tickling at his ear, her knee rubbing up against the inside of his leg, his father's chain brushing against his shoulder. 'I've a mind to kneel before the King of the Northmen.' One fingertip brushed the scab on his chin as she stepped away, keeping his face towards her, watching him over her shoulder, waddling just a little with the weight of her belly but none the worse for that. None the worse at all. All he could think was that he didn't deserve this.

He shook himself and clambered to the fire, somewhat bent over since his prick was pressing up hard against the inside of his trousers, and poking a tent in Reachey's face was no way to start a conversation. His wife's father had shooed his grey-bearded henchmen away and was sitting alone, pressing a fresh lump of chagga down into his pipe with one thick thumb. A private little chat. Just like the one they'd had a few nights before. Only now Dow was dead, and everything was changed.

Calder wiped the wet from his eyes as he sat beside the fire-pit. 'She's one of a kind, your daughter.'

'I've heard you called a liar, but there was never a truer word said than that.'

'One of a kind.' As Calder watched her disappear into the darkness.

'You're a lucky man to have her. Remember what I told you? Wait long enough by the sea, everything you want'll just wash up on the beach.' Reachey tapped at the side of his head. 'I've been around a while. You ought to listen to me.'

'I'm listening now, aren't I?'

Reachey wriggled down the log, a little closer to him. 'All right, then. A lot of my boys are restless. Had their swords drawn a long time. I could do with letting some of 'em get home to their own wives. You got a mind to take this wizard's offer?'

'Bayaz?' Calder snorted. 'I've a mind to let the lying bastard simmer. He had a deal with my father, a long time ago, and betrayed him.'

'So it's a question of revenge?'

'A little, but mostly it's good sense. If the Union had pushed on yesterday they might've finished us.'

'Maybe. So?'

'So the only reason I can see for stopping is if they had to. The Union's a big place. Lots of borders. I reckon they've got other worries. I reckon every day I let that bald old fuck sit his terms'll get better.'

'Huh.' Reachey fished a burning stick from the fire, pressed it to the bowl of his pipe, starting to grin as he got it lit. 'You're a clever one, Calder. A thinker. Like your father. Always said you'd make quite a leader.'

Calder had never heard him say it. 'Didn't help me get here, did you?'

'I told you I'd burn if I had to, but I wouldn't set myself on fire. What was it the Bloody-Nine used to say?'

'You have to be realistic.'

'That's right. Realistic. Thought you'd know that better'n most.' Reachey's cheeks went hollow as he sucked at his pipe, let the brown smoke curl from his mouth. 'But now Dow's dead, and you've got the North at your feet.'

'You must be almost as pleased as I am with how it's all come out.'

''Course,' as Reachey handed the pipe over.

'Your grandchildren can rule the North,' as Calder took it.

'Once you're finished with it.'

'I plan not to finish for a while.' Calder sucked, bruised ribs aching as he breathed deep and felt the smoke bite.

'Doubt I'll live to see it.'

'Hope not.' Calder grinned as he blew out, and they both chuckled, though there might've been the slightest edge on their laughter. 'You know, I've been thinking about something Dow said. How if he'd wanted me dead I'd have been dead. The more I think on it, the more sense it makes.'

Reachey shrugged. 'Maybe Tenways tried it on his own.'

Calder frowned at the bowl of the pipe as if thinking it over, though he'd already thought it over and decided it didn't add. 'Tenways saved my life in the battle yesterday. If he hated me that much he could've let the Union kill me and no one would've grumbled.'

'Who knows why anyone does anything? The world's a complicated bloody place.'

'Everyone has their reasons, my father used to tell me. It's just a question of knowing what they are. Then the world's simple.'

'Well, Black Dow's back to the mud. And from the look o' your sword in his head, Tenways too. I guess we'll never know now.'

'Oh, I reckon I've worked it out.' Calder handed the pipe back and the old man leaned to take it. 'It was you said Dow wanted me dead.' Reachey's eyes flicked up to his, just for an instant, but long enough for Calder to be sure. 'That wasn't altogether true, was it? It was what you might call a lie.'

Reachey slowly sat back, puffing out smoke rings. 'Aye, a little bit, I'll admit. My daughter has a loving nature, Calder, and she loves you. I've tried explaining what a pain in the arse you are but she just ain't hearing it. There's naught she wouldn't do for you. But it was getting so you and Dow weren't seeing things at all the same way. All your talk of bloody peace making things hard for everyone. Then my daughter up and stands hostage for you? Just couldn't have my only child at risk like that. Out of you and Dow, one had to go.' He looked evenly at Calder, through the smoke of his pipe. 'I'm sorry, but there it is. If it was you, well, that's a shame, but Seff would've found a new man. Better still, there was always the chance you'd come out on top o' Dow. And I'm happy to say that's how it happened. All I wanted was the best for my blood. So I'm ashamed to admit it, but I stirred the pot between the two o' you.'

'Hoping all along I'd get the better of Dow.'

'Of course.'

'So it wasn't you at all who sent those boys to kill me at your weapon-take?'

The pipe froze half way to Reachey's mouth. 'Why would I do a thing like that?'

'Because Seff was standing hostage, and I was talking big about dealing with Dow, and you decided to stir the pot a bit harder.'

Reachey pressed the end of his tongue between his teeth, lifted the pipe the rest of the way, sucked at it again, but it was dead. He tapped the ashes out on the stones by the fire. 'If you're going to stir the pot, I've always believed in doing it ... firmly.'

Calder slowly shook his head. 'Why not just get your old pricks to kill me when we were sat around the fire? Make sure of it?'

'I got a reputation to think on. When it comes to knives in the dark I hire out, keep my name free of it.' Reachey didn't look guilty. He looked annoyed. Offended, even. 'Don't sit there like you're disappointed. Don't pretend you haven't done worse. What about Forley the Weakest, eh? Killed him for nothing, didn't you?'

'I'm me!' said Calder. 'Everyone knows me for a liar! I guess I just ...' Sounded stupid now he said it. 'Expected better from you. I thought you were a straight edge. Thought you did things the old way.'

Reachey gave a scornful grunt. 'The old way? Hah! People are apt to get all misty-eyed over how things used to be. Age o' Heroes, and all. Well, I remember the old way. I was there, and it was no different from the new.' He leaned forward, stabbing at Calder with the stem of his pipe. 'Grab what you can, however you can! Folk might like to harp on how your father changed everything. They like someone to blame. But he was just better at it than the rest. It's the winners sing the songs. And they can pick what tune they please.'

'I'm just picking out what tune they'll play on you!' hissed Calder, the anger flaring up for a moment. But, 'Anger's a luxury the man in the big chair can't afford.' That's what his father used to say. Mercy, mercy, always think about mercy. Calder took in a long, sore breath, and heaved out resignation. 'But maybe I'd have done no different, wearing your coat, and I've too few friends by far. The fact is I need your support.'

Reachey grinned. 'You'll have it. To the death, don't worry about that. You're family, lad. Family don't always get on but, in the end, they're the only ones you can trust.'

'So my father used to tell me.' Calder slowly stood and gave another aching sigh, right from his gut. 'Family.' And he made his way off through the fires, towards the tent that had been Black Dow's.

'And?' croaked Shivers, falling into step beside him.

'You were right. The old fuck tried to kill me.'

'Shall I return the favour?'

'By the dead, no!' He forced his voice softer as they headed away. 'Not until my child's born. I don't want my wife upset. Let things settle then do it quietly. Some way that'll point the finger at someone else. Glama Golden, maybe. Can you do that?'

'When it comes to killing, I can do it any way you want it.'

'I always said Dow should've made better use of you. Now my wife's waiting. Go and have some fun.'

'I just might.'

'What do you do for fun, anyway?'

There was a glint in Shivers' eye as he turned away, but then there always was. 'I sharpen my knives.'

Calder wasn't quite sure if he was joking.

New Hands

Dear Mistress Worth,

With the greatest regret, I must inform you of the death of your son in action on the battlefield near Osrung. It is usual for the commanding officer to write such letters, but I requested the honour as I knew your son personally, and have but rarely in a long career served with so willing, pleasant, able, and courageous a comrade. He embodied all those virtues that one looks for in a soldier. I do not know if it can provide you with any satisfaction in the face of a loss so great, but it is not stretching the truth to say that your son died a hero. I feel honoured to have known him.

With the deepest condolences, Your obedient servant, Corporal Tunny, Standard-Bearer of His Majesty's First Regiment.

Tunny gave a sigh, folded the letter ever so carefully and pressed two neat creases into it with his thumbnail. Might be the worst letter the poor woman ever got, he owed it to her to put a decent crease in the damn thing. He tucked it inside his jacket next to Mistress Klige's, unscrewed the cap from Yolk's flask and took a nip, then dipped the pen in the ink bottle and started on the next.

Dear Mistress Lederlingen,

With the greatest regret, I must inform you of the death of your son in- 'Corporal Tunny!' Yolk was approaching with a cocky strut somewhere between a pimp and a labourer. His boots were caked with dirt, his stained jacket was hanging open showing a strip of sweaty chest, his sunburned face sported several days' worth of patchy stubble and instead of a spear over his shoulder he had a worn shovel. He looked, in short, like a proud veteran of his August Majesty's army. He came to a stop not far from Tunny's hammock, looking down at the papers. 'Working out all the debts you're owed?'

'The ones I owe, as it goes.' Tunny seriously doubted Yolk could read, but he pushed a sheet of paper over the unfinished letter even so. If this got out it could ruin his reputation. 'Everything all right?'

'Everything's well enough,' said Yolk as he set down his shovel, though under his good humour he looked, in fact, a little pensive. 'The colonel's had us doing some burying.'

'Uh.' Tunny worked the stopper back into the ink bottle. He'd done a fair amount of burying himself and it was never a desirable duty. 'Always some cleaning up to do after a battle. A lot to put right, here and at home. Might take years to clean up what takes a day or three to dirty.' He cleaned off his pen on a bit of rag. 'Might never happen.'

'Why do it, then?' asked Yolk, frowning off across the sunlit barley towards the hazy hills. 'I mean to say, all the effort, and all the men dead, and what've we got done here?'

Tunny scratched his head. Never had Yolk down as a philosopher, but he guessed every man has his thoughtful moments. 'Wars don't often change much, in my considerable experience. Bit here, bit there, but overall there have to be better ways for men to settle their differences.' He thought about it for a moment. 'Kings, and nobles, and Closed Councils, and so forth, I never have quite understood why they keep at it, given how the lessons of history do seem to stack up powerfully against. War is damned uncomfortable work, for minimal rewards, and it's the soldiers who always bear the worst.'

'Why be a soldier, then?'

Tunny found himself temporarily at a loss for words. Then he shrugged. 'Best job in the world, isn't it.'

A group of horses were being led without urgency up the track nearby, hooves clopping at the mud, a few soldiers trudging along with them. One detached himself and strolled over, chewing at an apple. Sergeant Forest, and grinning broadly.

'Oh, bloody hell,' muttered Tunny under his breath, quickly clearing the last evidence of letter writing and tossing the shield he'd been leaning on under his hammock.

'What is it?' whispered Yolk.

'When First Sergeant Forest smiles there's rarely good news on the way.'

'When is there good news on the way?'

Tunny had to admit Yolk had a point.

'Corporal Tunny!' Forest stripped his apple and flicked away the core. 'You're awake.'

'Sadly, Sergeant, yes. Any news from our esteemed commanders?'

'Some.' Forest jerked a thumb towards the horses. 'You'll be delighted to learn we're getting our mounts back.'

'Marvellous,' grunted Tunny. 'Just in time to ride them back the way we came.'

'Let it never be said that his August Majesty does not provide his loyal soldiers with everything needful. We're pulling out in the morning. Or the following morning, at the latest. Heading for Uffrith, and a nice warm boat.'

Tunny found a smile of his own. He'd had about enough of the North. 'Homewards, eh? My favourite direction.'

Forest saw Tunny's grin and raised him a tooth on each side. 'Sorry to disappoint you. We're shipping for Styria.'

'Styria?' muttered Yolk, hands on hips.

'For beautiful Westport!' Forest flung an arm around Yolk's shoulders and pushed his other hand out in front of them, as if showing off a magnificent civic vista where there was, in fact, a stand of rotting trees. 'Crossroads of the world! We're to stand alongside our bold allies in Sipani, and take righteous arms against that notorious she-devil Monzcarro Murcatto, the Snake of Talins. She is, by all reports, a fiend in human form, an enemy to freedom and the greatest threat ever to face the Union!'