"Of course I am a silver watch."

"You're a bigger m.u.f.f than I took you for," replied the aristocratic tongs, turning his hall-mark towards me. It was humiliating. Of course I ought to have known I was not solid silver, and had no claim to cla.s.s myself of the same metal as a genuine silver pair of tongs.

It was but one of many painful lessons I have had during my life not to give myself airs beyond my station.

These solid silver goods certainly const.i.tuted the "upper ten thousand"

of our valuable and miscellaneous community. When the time came for cataloguing us all, they separated themselves from the rest of us, and formed a distinct society, having their several names recorded in full at the head of the list.

What a scene it was the day the catalogue came to our department! I suffered a further humiliation then by being almost entirely overlooked.

A great tray of silver watches lay on the bench, brought together from all parts of the shop; and, to my horror, I found I was not among them.

"That's the lot," said the p.a.w.nbroker.

"Very good," said the auctioneer, who was making the catalogue; "shall we take leather bags next?"

"As you please," said my master.

"Hold hard," said the auctioneer, hastily counting the watches on the tray and comparing the number with a list he held in his hand, "there's one short."

"Is there? I don't know how that can be."

"You've got twenty-two down here and there's only twenty-one on the tray."

The p.a.w.nbroker looked puzzled.

"Better call over the number," said the auctioneer. So my master called out the number attached to each watch, and the auctioneer ticked it off on his list. When the last had been called, he said,--

"Where's Number 2222?"

"Ah, to be sure, that's the one," said the p.a.w.nbroker, reaching up to where I lay, and taking me down; "this one. I'd forgotten all about him."

Flattering, certainly! and still more so when the auctioneer, surveying my tarnished and dingy appearance, said, "Well, he's not much of a show after all. You'd better rub him up a bit, or we shan't get him off hand at all."

"Very good," said the p.a.w.nbroker, and I was handed over forthwith to an a.s.sistant to be cleaned. And much I needed it. My skin was nearly as black as a negro's, and my joints and muscles were perfectly clogged with dust. I had a regular watch's Turkish bath. I was scrubbed and powdered, my works were taken out and cleaned, my joints were oiled, my face was washed, and my hands were polished. Altogether I was overhauled, and when I took my place on the tray with my twenty-one companions I was altogether a new being, and by no means the least presentable of the company.

How we quarrelled and wrangled, and shouldered one another on that tray!

There was such a Babel of voices (for each of us had been set going) that scarcely any one could hear himself speak. Nothing but recriminations and vituperations rose on every hand.

"Get out of the way, ugly lever," snarled one monstrous hunter watch near me, big enough for an ordinary clock. "Who do you suppose wants you? Get out of the way, do you hear?"

"Where to?" I inquired, not altogether liking to be so summarily ordered about, and yet finding the excitement of a little quarrel pleasant after two years' monotony.

"Anywhere, as long as you get out of my way. Do you know I'm a hundred years old?"

"Are you, though?" said I. "People must have had bigger pockets in those days than they have now!"

This I considered a very fair retort for his arrogance, and left him snorting and croaking to himself, and bullying some other little watches, whom, I suppose, he imagined would be more deferential to his grey hairs than I was.

I was not destined, however, to be left in peace.

"Who are you?" I heard a sharp voice say. Looking round, I saw a creature with a great eye in the middle of his face, and a long, lanky hand spinning round and round over his visage.

"Who are _you_, rather?" I replied.

It was evidently what he wanted, for he began at once: "I'm all the latest improvements--compensation balance and jewelled in four holes; perfect for time, beauty, and workmanship; sound, strong, and accurate; with keyless action, and large full-dial second hand; air-tight, damp- tight, and dust-tight; seven guineas net and five per cent, to teetotalers. There, what do you think of that?"

"I think," said I, with a laugh, in which a good many others joined, "that if you're so tight as all that teetotalers had better do without you."

It will be observed the scenes and company I had been in of late years had tended to improve neither my temper nor my manners.

In this way we spent most of the day before the auction, and it was quite a relief early next morning to find ourselves being removed to the "Central Mart."

It was impossible, however, to resist the temptation of another quarrel in our tray while we were waiting for the sale to begin. The culprit in this instance was a certain Queen Anne's shilling attached to the chain of an insignificant-looking watch.

"What business has that ugly bit of tin here?" asked a burly hunter.

"Who calls me an ugly bit of tin?" squeaked out the coin.

"I do; there!" said the hunter; "now what have you got to say?"

"Only that you're a falsehood. Why, you miserable, machine-made, wheezing, old make-believe of a turnip--"

"Draw it mild, young fellow," said the hunter.

"Do you know that I was current coin of the realm before the tin mine that supplied your carca.s.s was so much as discovered? I'm a Queen Anne's shilling!"

"Are you, though? And what good are you now, my ancient Bob?"

The shilling grew, so to speak, black in the face.

"I won't be called a Bob! I'm not a Bob! Who dares call me a Bob?"

"I do, Bob; there, Bob. What do you think of that, Bob? What's the use of you, Bob, eh? Can _you_ tell the time, Bob, eh, Bob, Bob, Bob?"

And we all took up the cry, and from that moment until the time of our sale every sound, for us, was drowned in a ceaseless cry of "Bob!" in the midst of which the unlucky Queen Anne's shilling crawled under his watch, and devoutly wished he were as undoubtedly dead as the ill.u.s.trious royal lady whose image and superscription he had the misfortune to bear.

In due time the sale began. Among the earliest lots I recognised my acquaintance the solid silver sugar-tongs, which went for very nearly his full value, thus confirming me in my belief that, after all, there's nothing like the genuine thing all the world over.

After the disposal of the silver goods--for which comparatively few people bid, and that with little or no compet.i.tion--the real excitement of the auction began.

"I have here, ladies and gentlemen," said the auctioneer, "a remarkably fine and superior lot of silver watches, all of which have been carefully cleaned and kept in order, and which, I can safely say, are equal to, if not better than, new. In many cases the watches are accompanied by chains of a very elegant and chaste description, which appendages considerably enhance their value. When I inform you that we value the contents of this tray, at the very lowest, at 90, being an average of 4 per watch, you will see I am not presenting to you any ordinary lot of goods. I will put up the watches singly in the order in which they are described in the catalogue."

Some of the company looked as if they were not sure whether they ought not to say "Hear, hear!" after this very elegant and polished speech, but they restrained their admiration, and reserved their energies for the bidding.

As I was last on the list I had full opportunity of noticing how my fellows fared, and was specially curious to see how the three or four watches whose acquaintance I had chanced to make went off.

The common-looking watch with the unlucky "Bob" attached to its chain was knocked down for 3 5 shillings, which, on the whole, was a triumph to the mortified coin, for it is certain without him the lot would not have fetched nearly so much, and his triumph was further enhanced by the fact that the hunter with whom he had had his altercation fetched only 2 17 shillings 6 pence. However, there was no time for jeers and recriminations at present, we were all too deeply absorbed in watching the fate of our fellows and speculating on our own.