The reason a mission statement is so important in a marriage is that no two people are completely alike. There are always differences. And when you put two people together in this most tender, sensitive, and intimate relationship called marriage, if you don't take the time to explore these differences and create a sense of shared vision, then these differences can drive them apart.

Consider two people we'll call Sally and Paul. Paul comes from a very supportive family. When Paul was in high school, if he had said, "Today I lost my track meet," his mother might have responded (in spirit if not in exact words), "Oh, Paul, that's too bad! You must really be disappointed. We're proud of the effort. We love you." If he had said, "Mom, I just won the school election," his mother might have replied, "Oh, Paul, I'm so happy for you! We love you. We're proud of you." Paul's success or failure made no difference. His parents were unconditionally affectionate and caring.

Sally, on the other hand, comes from a family that is not supportive. Her parents are generally disinterested, unaffectionate, and conditional in their love. If Sally had said to her mother, "Today I lost my track meet," her mother would have replied, "Well, what happened? I told you that you ought to exercise and practice more! Your sister was a tremendous track star, and she exercised and practiced a lot more than you. What am I going to tell Dad?" But if Sally had said, "Mom, I just won the student body election," her mother would have replied, "Oh, great! I'm really proud of you. I can hardly wait to tell Dad!"

Now two people have had totally different nurturing experiences. One has learned to love unconditionally. The other loves conditionally. They meet and begin dating. After a while they say to each other, "I love you." They get married. But within a few months of living together, of interacting intimately with each other on a daily basis, they're in trouble.

Based on Sally's conditional expressions of love, Paul finally says to her, "You don't love me anymore."

"What do you mean, I don't love you?" she demands. "I cook, I clean, I help earn the living. What do you mean, I don't love you?"

Can you imagine the problems that could accumulate over time if these two people never developed a common understanding of "love"?

In addition to this difference, what if the people in Paul's family never learned to discuss real problems or confront issues? What if they simply whisked them under the rug, pretending they didn't exist, essentially putting their heads in the sand? What if they never learned to really communicate because things were so positive and supportive? And what if Sally's family dealt with problems and differences either by fighting (yelling, screaming, blaming, and accusing) or "fighting" (taking off, slamming doors, or walking out)? On top of two altogether different nurturing experiences, they would have learned two altogether different approaches to solving their problems.

Can you see why Sally and Paul could easily have struggles in their marriage? Can you see how each major difference compounds the problem? Can you see how the negative, hurt feelings produced by unsuccessfully dealing with these differences could easily feed on themselves, and how Sally and Paul's relationship could quickly deteriorate from one of attraction to one of accommodation, then to toleration, and finally to hostility?

In the midst of their conflict, society may say that they should break up, they should opt out. And in some cases where there are extreme abuses, perhaps that would be justified. But breaking up may bring about suffering that's even greater than the suffering we've just described. Can you see what a difference it would make to this couple to have a sense of shared vision, particularly if it was based on principles that provided a solid foundation for resolving and even rising above these differences?

If you carefully consider the problems people face in marriage, you will find that in almost every case they arise out of conflicting role expectations and are exacerbated by conflicting problem-solving strategies. A husband may think it's his wife's role to take care of the finances; after all, his mother did. And the wife may think that is her husband's role, since her father filled that role when she was growing up. This may not be a big problem until they try to solve it and their problem-solving scripts come to the surface. He is a "passive aggressive." He slowly boils inside and says nothing, but is continuously judging and becomes increasingly irritated. She is an "active aggressive." She wants to talk it out, thrash it out, fight it out. They get into a state of collusion, even codependency, with each other-with each needing the weaknesses of the other to validate his/her own perception and justify himself/herself. They both blame the other. Thus, a small problem becomes a large one; a molehill becomes a mountain. It may even become a mountain range because conflicting problem-solving scripts compound every problem and magnify every difference. Study your own marriage challenges and problems to see if they, too, are not fundamentally rooted in conflicting role expectations and compounded by conflicting problem-solving scripts.

Conflicting scripts most often reveal themselves in two closely related areas, and the gift of self-awareness is the key to understanding both. The first is in the area of values and goals-or the way things should be-and the second is in the area of assumptions about the way things are. These two areas are interrelated, since we usually define the way things are in terms of the way things should be. When we say we have a problem, we are basically saying things are not the way they should be. To one spouse the problem may be tragic; to the other, nonexistent.

One spouse may think of "family" as a close-knit "nuclear" or two-generation family consisting only of parents and children, while to the other spouse the concept of "family" is intergenerational, involving a great deal of open communication, interaction, and activity with aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, grandparents, and so forth. One person may be scripted into believing that love is a feeling, while the other person sees love as a verb. One may solve problems by fighting or flighting, while the other wants to communicate and talk them through. One may see differences as weaknesses, while the other sees differences as strengths. Where people stand on these issues tends to be a product of their experiences with the significant models of their lives, and in any marriage, these things need to be talked out and worked out.

This coming together-this sharing and agreeing upon role expectations, problem-solving strategies, vision and values in a relationship-is called "co-missioning." In other words, it's a commingling or joining of missions or purposes. It's binding them so that they have the same destination. And the power of it is that it literally transcends "your way" or "my way." It creates a new way, a higher way-"our way." It enables marriage partners to work together to explore differences and to resolve problems in ways that build the Emotional Bank Account and bring positive results.

This co-missioning between a husband and wife is so vital, so impactful in a relationship and in the family as a whole, you may discover-as we have-that even when you have a family mission statement that includes your children, you also want to maintain a "marriage mission statement" that reflects the unique relationship between you and your spouse.

If the two of you are older and your children are grown, you may want to ask different questions, such as these: What can we do to promote the growth and happiness of our children and grandchildren?

What needs do they have that we can help fulfill?

What principles should govern our interaction with them?

In what ways can we appropriately be involved in their lives and their families?

How can we help them develop their own family mission statements?

How can we encourage them to deal with their challenges and problems within the context of that statement?

How can we help them want to give back?

You may also want to consider plans to create a three-generation mission statement. Think about activities that could include all three generations-vacations, holidays, and birthdays. Remember that it is never too late to start wise parenting of your grown children. They still need you. They will need you all their lives. When you raise your children, you're also raising your grandchildren. Patterns tend to persist. In fact, you often have a second shot at raising your children as you help raise your grandchildren.

A Mission Statement for Three or More

The importance of a mission statement becomes even more evident when there are children in the family. Now you have people who need to have a sense of belonging, who need to be taught and trained-people who will be influenced in many different ways through their growing-up years. And without some unifying sense of vision and values, they may well be bouncing off the walls with no sense of family identity or purpose. So, again, a family mission statement becomes supremely important.

When children are young, they generally love to be included in the process of creating the mission statement. They love sharing their ideas and helping to create something that gives them a sense of family identity.

Catherine (daughter): Before my husband and I were married, we talked about what we wanted our home to be like, especially when we had children. Did we want it to be fun, relaxing, educational, etcetera? We talked about how we wanted to have honesty and integrity in our relationship, how we wanted our love to last, to never flicker and die. It was out of those discussions that we wrote our family mission statement.

We have three children now, and although our mission statement has remained fundamentally the same, it has changed a little with each child. Our first baby kind of threw us for a loop, and everything centered around her. But the next baby put us more in perspective, and we were able to step back and realize better how we wanted to raise our kids together-how we wanted them to be upstanding citizens in the community, to serve others, and so on.

The children have added things to the mission statement as well. Our oldest is only six. She says she wants to make sure we tell lots of jokes in our family, so we have added that little statement for her and for our three-year-old son.

Every New Year's Eve we sit down and work on our mission statement and write out our goals for the coming year. We find that our kids are very excited about the whole process. Then we put our mission statement on the fridge. The children continually refer to it. They say, "Mom, you're not supposed to raise your voice. Remember-happy, cheerful tones in our home." It's a big reminder.

A husband and father shared this experience: About four years ago my wife and I, our two children, and my mother-in-law who lives with us created a family mission statement. Just recently we were reviewing that statement to see what we felt we needed to change.

In the course of the discussion, Sarah, our eleven-year-old, said something really important. She was talking about how one person can bring stress into the family, and it affects everyone else. I think she was particularly feeling this from Grandma, because Grandma is going through some things right now and tends to speak crossly to the kids when we're not around.

But when Sarah said it, she didn't say it about Grandma; she said it about the family. And Grandma caught onto it right away. She said, "You know, I really do that, and I want to improve." My wife and I quickly said, "You know, Grandma, we all do that. We all need to improve." And so one of the lines in our mission statement now reads, "We will recognize when we are experiencing stress in our lives and not pass it on to others."

I'm convinced that just going through the process itself is very healthy for a family because it provides a safe environment for people to share. And safe environments don't happen naturally in human behavior. The typical response is to be critical or defensive. But when you say, "Okay, we're going to talk about how we'd like our family to be," you create a safe space for people to express their feelings and ideas. It's non-threatening because you don't talk about people, you talk about issues.

What a wonderful experience for children-to know that their ideas and feelings are valued and that they are a vital part of making their family all that it can be!

Now, when teenagers are involved, the effort to create a family mission statement may be a little more complex. In fact, you may even initially meet with some resistance. In our own family we found that some of the older children were not really interested in the process at first. They wanted to hurry and get it over with. They didn't see the reason for taking so much time to talk about such serious things. But as we found ways to lighten it up and as we kept coming back to it, their interest grew.

Sean (son): I think I was in high school when we did our family mission statement. I didn't really care about the words at the time. But the whole process of doing it-knowing that my parents had a vision and a target-gave me a sense of stability. I felt, Things are okay. My parents have things sorted out, and we're focused.

One father with older children shared this: For my fiftieth birthday I decided to involve my two teenage daughters in the mission statement process by taking them with my wife and me to Hawaii for a "7 Habits Week." I thought we might spend about half of each day reading and discussing one of the 7 Habits, and the other half of the day having fun, playing on the beach, and doing other normal vacation kinds of things.

When I told my daughters what I had planned, they were less than enthusiastic.

"Oh, great! Spring break with my nose in a book. What will I tell my friends?"

"Is this another Daddy self-help kick that won't last?"

I remained undaunted. I said, "I promise to make it fun, and this is the birthday gift I really want. So are you both in?"

Two big sighs.

"Guess so," one replied. (Translation: "It won't last. We'll do the beach a lot. My tan will be a killer.") "Guess so," the other one replied. (Translation: "Funniest thing I've ever heard. Oh, well, it's his present, so I'll humor him.") "Great!" I replied. "I really appreciate my present." (Translation: "Oh, boy! What have I gotten myself into?") As we boarded the plane, I handed them copies of 7 Habits and highlighters, and I settled back in my seat. It took a while, but eventually-in accordance with our agreement-copies of Glamour, Seventeen, and Sassy were put away, and they began to read. Questions began to surface.

"Uh . . . Daddy, what's a 'para-dig-em?'"

"That's pronounced 'para-dime,' and it means the way you see things-your perspective, your point of view."

"Daddy, I've read a couple of chapters, and it's really interesting. However, I wish to be 'proactive' and say that we don't need to discuss this twenty-four hours of each day."

I finally drifted off to sleep thinking there was something about all this I liked.

When we arrived on the island, we got settled and moved into a routine. We spent a certain time reading each day and a certain time playing at the beach. During meals we involved the girls in discussion about what they had read. Within three days everyone really began to sense the power of these ideas. They began to talk about them, even throughout the day.

On our final night there, we drafted our family mission statement. I gathered the important tools: pen, paper, and popcorn. "Family, time to express our mission," I began optimistically. "This mission statement must contain what each of us expects from this family. Anyone want to begin?"

They didn't hesitate. Convinced I really wanted their expectations, they openly offered suggestions. I was reminded of what usually happens when I ask what they want for Christmas. This was their creation, not merely something we dictated. No suggestion was dismissed lightly. This was important business, and we treated the process with respect.

We enjoyed talking together about what we really wanted our family to be. We worked hard to create a mission statement that truly expressed everyone's deepest values and desires. After we completed the task, I asked, "Does everyone feel this statement has in it what we want and expect?"

One daughter replied, "It's a very good family mission statement."

My other daughter said, "That was fun. Everyone's ideas are equal."

My wife said, "We nailed it!"

On the way home the girls commented on how the experience had caused them to think more deeply. One of them said, "Dad, your birthday present was a gift to us!"

Sometime later this man told me, "I do not have the words to describe the impact this has had on all of us as individuals and on our family." When I asked him to give me an illustration, he said: Shortly after we returned home, my wife and I needed to be away for a few days. I asked the children if they would like someone to stay with them during our absence. I will never forget their response: "Put our family mission statement on the refrigerator. We'll have principles to guide us while you're gone."

He said that that was just one of a multitude of ways in which their mission statement had positively influenced their lives.

If your family includes children living at home, you may want to call a "family meeting" to introduce the idea and start the mission statement process. If so, be sure to make it fun and enjoyable. With young children, you may want to use colored markers and posters, and serve a treat. Remember that young children have a short attention span. Spending ten fun minutes together each week over a period of several weeks will be much more effective than trying to hold long, philosophical discussions.

Older children may prefer more involved discussions. But again, make it fun. Perhaps spread it out over several weeks. You may want to have notebooks and pencils on hand, or to just talk and have one person write down ideas. Whatever the situation, make sure everyone feels comfortable and free to participate.

If you feel there may be resistance from older children, you might prefer to begin by talking informally at a family dinner about what is important and not even mention the mission statement kinds of words. Or you might decide to discuss the idea privately, one on one, with family members-maybe when you're working on a project or doing something together. You might want to ask family members privately how they feel about the family and what they'd like to see happen in it. In this way you can engage their minds in thinking about the family and get the idea into both their conscious and unconscious minds. Be patient. It may take weeks of one-on-one discussions and building up to it before you feel you can all talk about it together.

When you do feel the time is right, get everyone together to talk it over. Make sure it's at a time when you feel good and you sense that your family does also. Don't try to do it when you feel emotionally wiped out, exhausted, or angry, or you're in the middle of some family crisis. Again, you could even do this at a family dinner or on a family vacation. Take time. Make it fun. And if you sense too much resistance, back off. You can talk about it another day. Be patient. Have faith in the people and in the process. Give it time.

When you do reach a point where you can discuss these family issues, be explicit about the idea that you want to come up with a mission statement to serve as a unifying and motivating influence for everyone in the family. Ask questions that will help family members engage all their unique human gifts, such as: What is the purpose of our family?

What kind of family do we want to be?

What kinds of things do we want to do?

What kind of feeling do we want to have in our home?

What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?

How do we want to treat one another and speak to one another?

What things are truly important to us as a family?

What are our family's highest priority goals?

What are the unique talents, gifts, and abilities of family members?

What are our responsibilities as family members?

What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow?

Who are our heroes? What is it about them that we like and would like to emulate?

What families inspire us and why do we admire them?

How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service-oriented?

As you discuss these questions, you will probably hear a variety of responses. Remember that everybody in the family is important. Everybody's ideas are important. You may have to deal with all kinds of positive and negative expressions. Don't judge them. Respect them. Let them be expressed freely. Don't try to resolve everything. All you're doing at this point is preparing minds and hearts to think reflectively. In a sense you're preparing the ground and beginning to sow a few seeds. Don't try to get the harvest yet.

You'll find that these discussions probably go better if you set up three ground rules: First, listen with respect. Make sure everyone has a chance to give input. Remember that involvement in the process is as important as the product. Unless people feel that they have had some say in the formation of the vision and values that will govern them, guide them, lead them, and measure their progress, they will not be committed. In other words, "no involvement, no commitment." So be sure that everyone knows his or her ideas will be heard and recognized as important. Help children understand what it means to show respect while others are speaking. Assure them that others, in turn, will show respect for their ideas.

Second, restate accurately to show you understand. One of the best ways to show respect is to restate others' points to their satisfaction. Then encourage other family members to also restate the ideas that are expressed-particularly when there are disagreements-to the satisfaction of the other. As family members do this for each other, mutual understanding will soften hearts and release creative energies.

Third, consider writing down the ideas. Perhaps you'd like to invite someone to be the family scribe. Ask that person to write down all the ideas that are expressed. Don't evaluate the ideas. Don't judge them. Don't compare their relative worth. Those are tasks for further down the road. Just capture them so that everyone's ideas are "out on the table" and visible to all.

Then you can begin the refinement process. You'll find that the greatest struggle in doing mission statements is prioritizing destinations and values-in other words, deciding what is the highest purpose and the highest value, and then the next highest and the next. This is tough duty.

I attended a conference of Asian leaders in Bangkok, where research was presented showing the prioritization of values in the Western world compared to the Asian world. People from both areas of the world said they valued cooperation and teamwork, but it was a low value in the Western world and a high value in the Eastern world. Interestingly, the Asian leaders were very anxious not to lose that value and go the Western way, which focused primarily on independence, freedom of action, and individuality.

Now, I'm not attempting to deal with the question of which value is right or should be the highest. I'm only trying to demonstrate that the real heart of the challenge in developing mission statements is in prioritizing these things.

One way that I have seen this challenge dealt with effectively in the family is for people to write down their top five values and then eliminate them one at a time until they are down to one. This way, people are forced to think through what really matters most to them. This itself can be a great teaching process, since family members may also come to discover that integrity is greater than loyalty, honor is greater than moods, principles are greater than values, mission is greater than baggage, leadership is greater than management, effectiveness is greater than efficiency, and imagination is more powerful than conscious willpower activity.

The very process of exploring what your family is all about can bring other powerful benefits to the family culture as well. Mission statements focus on possibilities, not on limitations. Instead of arguing for your weaknesses, in a sense you're arguing for what is possible, for what you can visualize. Whatever you argue for eventually becomes yours. Notice that the great literature, the great movies, and the great art-the kind that really inspire and edify-essentially focus on vision and possibilities and on tapping into our most noble motives and impulses, our highest self.

And just think about the impact on the Emotional Bank Account! If nothing else were to be gained from this process, the mere act of spending the time, of listening to one another, and of relating on such a deep level would make tremendous deposits. Think about what it communicates to family members about their individual worth and the value of their ideas.

This process can also be very enjoyable. Initially, it may feel a little uncomfortable. It may throw people a little out of their comfort zone because they've never become involved with others in such deep, reflective discussion. But as they do become involved, a kind of excitement begins to develop. The communication becomes very authentic and the bonding becomes very deep. And slowly, almost imperceptibly perhaps, within the hearts and minds of family members, the substance of the mission statement itself begins to come into focus.

Step Two: Write Your Family Mission Statement

With ideas out on the table, you're now ready to have someone in the family refine and distill and pull them all together into some kind of expression that will reflect the collective feeling of the hearts and minds of those who have contributed.

In one sense, it is extremely important to get this expression down on paper. The very process of writing brings a crystallization of thought and distills learning and insights into words. It also imprints the brain and reinforces learning, and it makes the expression visible and available to everyone in the family.

In another sense, writing a mission statement on paper is not as powerful as writing it in the hearts and minds of family members. But the two are not mutually exclusive. One can lead to the other.

Let me emphasize here that whatever you come up with at first will be a rough draft-possibly the first of many drafts. Family members will need to look at it, think about it, live with it, discuss it, make changes. They will need to work with it until everyone comes to agreement: "This is what this family is about. This is our mission. We believe it. We buy into it. We are ready to commit to live it."

The following are examples of family mission statements that have gone through this process-including our own, which is first. As you can tell, each statement is unique, and each reflects the values and beliefs of those who wrote it. These are not intended to be models for your mission statement. Yours would reflect your own hopes, values, and beliefs.

Perhaps you will feel-as we do-a sense of deep respect and appreciation for the very personal sharing by those who have given permission for us to print their mission statements.

The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of faith, order, truth, love, happiness, and relaxation, and to provide opportunity for each individual to become responsibly independent, and effectively interdependent, in order to serve worthy purposes in society.

Our family mission is to: Value honesty with ourselves and others.