Eventually, my mother and father separated and then divorced. It was a bitter blow to all of us children, especially when we discovered that Dad had been unfaithful to Mom. His infidelity, we learned, had started on one of his business trips.

Several years later I married a wonderful young man. We loved each other deeply, and we both took our marriage vows very seriously. Everything seemed to be going very well-until one day when he told me his job would require him to leave for a few days on a business trip. Suddenly, all the pain of the past washed over me. It was on his business trips, I remembered, that my dad began being unfaithful to my mother. I had absolutely no reason to doubt my husband. There was nothing to justify my fear. But the fear was there-deep and painful.

I spent much of the time my husband was gone crying and wondering. When I tried to explain my fears, I knew he didn't really understand. He was totally committed to me and didn't see his traveling as a problem. But from my perspective he didn't seem to realize how he needed to be always on his guard. I felt he would not have nearly the discernment in these situations that I would have because no one in his family had ever done what my father had done.

My husband went on several business trips during the following months. I tried to be more positive in my interactions with him. I worked hard to control my thoughts and feelings. But every time he left, I would panic inside. The emotional stress became so intense that I had difficulty eating and sleeping whenever he was gone. And as hard as I tried, nothing seemed to make things better.

Finally, after years of dealing with deep pain, I reached a point where I was able to forgive my father. I could see his behavior for what it was: his behavior. He had hurt us all deeply, but I found I could forgive him and love him and let go of the fear and the pain.

This became a major turning point in my life. All of a sudden I discovered that the tension in my marriage was gone. I was able to say, "That was my dad, not my husband." I found I could kiss my husband good-bye as he left on his trips and shift my focus to all I wanted to get done before he got back.

I don't mean to suggest that everything became perfect overnight. Years of resentment toward my father had created deeply ingrained habits. But after that pivotal experience, when the occasional thought or feeling would surface, I was able to recognize it, address it quickly, and move on.

Again: You will always be a victim until you forgive. When you truly forgive, you open the channels through which trust and unconditional love can flow. You cleanse your own heart. You also remove a major obstacle that keeps others from changing because when you don't forgive, you put yourself between people and their own conscience. You get in the way. You become a roadblock to change. Instead of spending their energy on deep interior work with their own conscience, they spend it defending and justifying their behavior to you.

One of the greatest deposits you can make in your relationships with other family members-and in the basic quality and richness of your own life-is to forgive. Remember, it isn't the snake bite that does the serious damage; it's chasing the snake that drives the poison to the heart.

The Primary Laws of Love

In this chapter we've taken a look at five significant deposits you can proactively and immediately begin to make into the Emotional Bank Accounts of the members of your family. The reason these deposits create such a powerful difference in the family culture is that they are based on the Primary Laws of Love-laws which reflect the reality that love in its purest form is unconditional.

There are three such laws: acceptance rather than rejection, understanding rather than judgment, and participation rather than manipulation. Living these laws is a proactive choice that is not based on another's behavior or on social status, educational attainment, wealth, reputation, or any other factor except the intrinsic worth of a human being.

These laws are the foundation of a beautiful family culture, because only when we live the Primary Laws of Love do we encourage obedience to the Primary Laws of Life (such as honesty, responsibility, integrity, and service).

Sometimes when people are struggling with a loved one and doing everything they can to lead that person toward what they feel is a responsible course, it's very easy to fall into the trap of living the "secondary" or counterfeit laws of love- judgment, rejection, and manipulation. They love the end in mind more than they love the person. They love conditionally. In other words, they use love to manipulate and control. As a result, others feel rejected and fight to stay the same.

But when you deeply accept and love people as they are, you actually encourage them to become better. By accepting people you're not condoning their weakness or agreeing with their opinion; you're simply affirming their intrinsic worth. You're acknowledging that they think or feel in a particular way. You're freeing them of the need to defend, protect, and preserve themselves. So instead of wasting their energy defending themselves, they're able to focus on interacting with their own conscience and unleashing their growth potential.

By loving people unconditionally, you unleash their natural power to become their better self. And you can only do this when you separate the person from the behavior and believe in the unseen potential.

Just consider how valuable this perspective would be when dealing with a family member-particularly a child-who is filled with negative energy or who has gone off track for a period of time. What would happen if, rather than labeling this child based on current behavior, you were to affirm the unseen potential and love unconditionally instead? As Goethe said, "Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be."

I once had a friend who was dean of a very prestigious school. He planned and saved for years to provide his son with the opportunity to attend that institution, but when the time came, the boy refused to go. This deeply concerned his father. Graduating from that particular school would have been a great asset to the boy. Besides, it was a family tradition. Three generations of attendance preceded the boy's. The father talked and urged and pleaded. He also tried to listen to the boy to understand him, all the while hoping that his son would change his mind.

He would say, "Son, can't you see what this means for your life? You can't base long-range decisions on short-range emotions."

The son would respond, "You don't understand! It's my life. You just want me the way you want. I don't even know if I want to go to college at all."

The father would come back with "Not at all, son. You're the one who doesn't understand. I only want what is best for you. Stop being so foolish."

The subtle message being communicated was one of conditional love. The son felt that in a sense the father's desire for him to attend the school outweighed the value he placed on him as a person and as a son, which was terribly threatening. Consequently, he fought for and with his own identity and integrity, and he increased his resolve and his efforts to rationalize his decision not to go.

After some intense soul-searching, the father decided to make a sacrifice-to renounce conditional love. He knew that his son might choose differently from what he wished; nevertheless, he and his wife resolved to love their son unconditionally, regardless of his choice. It was an extremely difficult thing to do because the value of his educational experience was so close to their hearts and because it was something they had planned and worked for since his birth.

The father and mother went through a very difficult rescripting process, proactively using all four gifts and struggling to understand the nature of unconditional love. They eventually felt it deep inside, and they communicated to the boy what they had done and why. They told him that they had come to the point at which they could say in all honesty that his decision would not affect their feeling of unconditional love toward him. They didn't do this to manipulate him, to use backhand psychology to try to get him to "shape up." They did it as the emergent extension of their own growth in character.

The boy didn't give much of a response, but his parents had such a mind-set and heart-set of unconditional love at that point that it would have made no difference in their feelings for him. About a week later he told his parents that he had decided not to go. They were perfectly prepared for his response and continued to show unconditional love for him. Everything was settled, and life went along normally.

A short time later an interesting thing happened. Now that the boy no longer felt he had to defend his position, he searched within himself more deeply and found that he really did want to have this educational experience. He applied for admission, and then he told his father, who again showed unconditional love by fully accepting his son's decision. Our friend was happy but not excessively so, because he had truly learned to love without condition.

Because these parents lived the Primary Laws of Love, their son was able to search his own heart and choose to live in harmony with one of the Primary Laws of Life involving growth and education.

Many people who have never received unconditional love and have never developed a sense of intrinsic worth struggle all their lives for approval and recognition. To compensate for the impoverished, empty, hollow feeling they have inside, they borrow strength from a position of power, status, money, possessions, credentials, or reputation. They often become very narcissistic, interpreting everything personally. And their very behavior is so distasteful that others reject them, throwing fuel on the fire.

That's why these Primary Laws of Love are so important. They affirm the basic worth of the individual. And people who have been loved unconditionally are then free to develop their own strength through integrity to their own inner compass.

Every Problem Is an Opportunity to Make a Deposit

As we move now into the rest of the habits, notice how each grows out of the Primary Laws of Love and how each builds the Emotional Bank Account. Proactively making deposits is something we can always do. In fact, one of the most empowering and exciting aspects of the Emotional Bank Account idea is that we can proactively choose to turn every family problem into an opportunity for a deposit.

Someone's "bad day" becomes an opportunity to be kind.

An offense becomes an opportunity to apologize, to forgive.

Someone's gossip becomes an opportunity to be loyal, to quietly defend those not present.

With the image of the Emotional Bank Account in your mind and heart, problems and circumstances are no longer obstacles that get in the way of the path; they are the path. Everyday interactions become opportunities to build relationships of love and trust. And challenges become like inoculations that activate and boost the "immune system" of the entire family. Deep inside, everyone knows that making these deposits will make a big difference in the quality of family relationships. It comes out of our conscience, out of our connection to the principles that ultimately govern in life.

Can you see how the proactive, inside-out choice to make deposits-and not withdrawals-can help you create a beautiful family culture?

Remember the Chinese Bamboo Tree

As you begin to make deposits, you may see positive results almost immediately. More often it will take time. You'll find it easier to make and continue to make deposits if you keep in mind the miracle of the Chinese bamboo tree.

I know of one woman and her husband who made deposits into their Emotional Bank Account with her father for many years, apparently without results. After fifteen years of working in a business with her father, this woman's husband changed jobs so that he could be with his family on Sundays. This caused a schism so deep, so painful for her father that he became embittered and would not even speak to her husband or recognize him in any way. But neither this woman nor her husband would take offense. They made continual deposits of unconditional love. They frequently drove out to the farm where her father lived, some sixty miles away. Her husband would wait in the car-sometimes for more than an hour-while she visited. She often took things to her father that she had baked or she thought he might enjoy. She spent time with him at Christmas, on his birthday, and on many other occasions. Never once did she press him or even ask him to invite her husband into his home.

Whenever her father came into town, this woman would leave the office where she worked with her husband and meet him for shopping or for lunch. She did everything she could possibly think of to communicate her love and her appreciation to her father. And her husband supported her in all of this.

Then one day when she was visiting her father on the farm, he suddenly looked at her and said, "Would it be easier for you if your husband were to come inside?"

She caught her breath. "Oh, yes, it would!" she exclaimed with tears in her eyes.

"Well," he said slowly, "go and get him then."

From that point on they were able to make even greater deposits of love. This woman's husband helped her father work on projects around the farm. This became an even greater deposit as advancing years caused her father to lose some of his mental capacity. Toward the end of his life, he acknowledged that he felt as close to this son-in-law as he felt to his own son.

In all your efforts, remember that, as with the Chinese bamboo tree, you may not see results for years. But do not be discouraged. Do not be seduced by those who say, "It's useless. It's hopeless. There's nothing you can do. It's too late."

It can be done. It's never too late. Just keep working in your Circle of Influence. Be a light, not a judge; a model, not a critic. And have faith in the eventual outcome.

I've talked with many husbands and wives over the years-most of them friends-who have come to me frustrated with their spouses, feeling that they were at the end of their tether. Often, these people have been filled with a sense of their own rightness and their partner's lack of understanding and responsibility. They've been drawn into a cycle where one spouse is constantly judging, preaching, nagging, condemning, criticizing, and handing out emotional punishment, and the other is, in a sense, rebelling by ignoring, defensively resisting, and justifying every behavior by the treatment he or she is receiving.

My counsel to those who judge (who are usually the ones coming to me, hoping that I can somehow "shape up" their spouse or affirm their reasons for wanting a divorce) is to become a light, not a judge-in other words, to stop trying to change their spouse and just go to work on themselves, to get out of a judging mind-set, to stop trying to manipulate or give love conditionally.

If people take this counsel to heart and are humbled by it, and if they are patient, persistent, and non-manipulating-even when provoked-a sweet softness begins to return. The unconditional love and inside-out change become irresistible.

There are situations, of course, such as those involving real abuse, when this counsel would not be the right course. But in most cases I have found that this approach leads people to the inner wisdom that cultivates happiness in married life. Proactively setting the example and patiently making deposits of unconditional love often brings amazing results over time.

Habit 1: The Key to All the Other Habits

Habit 1-Be proactive-is the key that unlocks the door to all the other habits. In fact, you'll find that people who continually avoid taking responsibility and initiative will not be able to fully cultivate any of the other habits. Instead, they'll be out in their Circle of Concern-usually blaming and accusing other people for their situation, because when people are not true to their conscience, they typically take out their guilt on others. Most anger is merely guilt overflowing.

Habit 1 embodies the greatest gift that we as humans uniquely have: the power to choose. Next to life itself, is there a greater gift? The truth is that the basic solutions to our problems lie within us. We can't escape the nature of things. Like it or not-realize it or not-principles and conscience are within us. As educator and religious leader David O. McKay has said, "The greatest battles of life are fought out daily in the silent chambers of the soul." It's futile to fight our battles on the wrong battlefields.

The decision to be the creative force of our own lives is the most fundamental choice of all. It is the heart and soul of being a transition person. It is the essence of becoming an agent of change. As Joseph Zinker has said, "[A person can discover that] no matter where he is right now, he is still the creator of his own destiny."6 Not only can an individual be proactive but an entire family can be proactive. A family can become a transition family inside their intergenerational family or extended family, or to other families with whom they come in contact. And all four gifts can be collectivized so that instead of self-awareness you have family awareness; instead of individual conscience you have a social conscience; instead of one person's imagination or vision you have a shared vision; and instead of independent will you have social will. Then all the members of the family are able to say in their own words, "This is what we are like. We are people of conscience and vision, people who act on our awareness of what's happening and what needs to happen."

How this transformation takes place and how the proactive muscle is developed and used in a marvelous way is found in Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Increasing our Proactive Muscles Discuss with family members: When do you feel you are most proactive? When are you most reactive? What are the consequences?

Review the material on the four human gifts. Ask: What can we do to build our proactive muscles?

Creating a Pause Button: Stop, Think, and Choose Talk together about the concept of the pause button.

Ask the family to choose something to represent a pause button for the family. It could be a body movement, such as signaling with a hand, jumping up and down, or waving an arm; an action, such as switching the lights on and off; a sound, such as blowing a whistle, ringing a bell, or mimicking an animal sound; or even a word. Each time this signal is given, everyone will know the pause button is being pushed. All activity, including conversation, arguing, debating, and so forth, should cease. This signal serves as a reminder for all to stop, think, and consider the consequences of continuing as they are. Talk together about how using this pause button gives family members the opportunity to subordinate what may seem important at the moment (winning an argument, getting their way, being "first" or "best") for what really matters most (creating strong relationships, having a happy family, or building a beautiful family culture).

Working in Your Circle of Influence Review the material in "The Circle of Concern and The Circle of Influence." Have family members discuss some things that they do not have direct influence over, such as other people's thoughts and actions, the weather, seasons, and natural disasters. Help everyone understand that although there are some things we cannot influence, there is much that we can influence. Talk about how much more effective it is to concentrate energy and effort on what you can influence.

Ask family members: What are some things we can do to take good care of our bodies to help prevent illness?

Review the material in "Building The Emotional Bank Account." Talk together about what you can do to build Emotional Bank Accounts in the family. Encourage family members to commit to making deposits and limiting withdrawals for one week. At the end of the week discuss the difference it has made.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

Developing Conscience: A Treasure Hunt Choose a "treasure" that everyone will enjoy, making sure that there is enough for all to share.

Choose a safe spot to hide the treasure, making sure that it is accessible to everyone.

Develop clues that lead to the treasure. In order to obtain the clues participants must answer questions that will exercise their conscience. Positive answers lead them closer to the treasure; negative answers lead them away. Examples might include: Question: As you are walking to school, you notice that the boy in front of you has dropped a five-dollar bill. What do you do? Positive responses could be: Pick it up and return it to the boy. Tell a teacher and hand it over. Negative responses could be: Keep it. Head to the store. Taunt the boy.

Question: Someone steals the answers to next week's math exam and offers you a copy. What do you do? Positive responses could be: Refuse a copy and study. Encourage the person to be honest. Negative responses could be: Take it; you need the A. Tell everyone else so they will like you.

Understanding the Emotional Bank Account Visit a local bank, open an account, and explain deposits and withdrawals.

Make your own "EBA" box. Let the children decorate it. Put it in a special place that is noticeable and accessible to everyone. Create some "deposit slips" on three-by-five cards. Encourage the children to make "deposits" during the week to other family members. Some examples might include: "Dad, thanks for taking me golfing. I love you." Or "Brooke, I noticed how well you folded the laundry this week." Or "John made my bed today, and I didn't even ask him to." Or "Mom takes me to soccer every week. She is so nice." Find a time to talk about the deposits made during the week. Encourage family members to use this opportunity to share what a "deposit" is to them.

HABIT 2.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND.

One young father shared this experience of how his wife was able to be proactive in a challenging situation with their son: I came home from work the other day, and my three-and-a-half-year-old son Brenton met me at the door. He was beaming. He said, "Dad, I am a hardworking man!"

I later found out that while my wife had been downstairs, Brenton had emptied a one-and-a-half-gallon jug of water from the fridge, most of it on the floor. My wife's initial reaction had been to yell at him and spank him. But instead she stopped herself and said patiently, "Brenton, what were you trying to do?"

"I was trying to be a helping man, Mom," he replied proudly.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I washed the dishes for you.

Sure enough, there on the kitchen table were all the dishes he had washed with the water from the water jug.

"Well, honey, why did you use the water from the fridge?"

"I couldn't reach the water in the sink."

"Oh!" she said. Then she looked around. "Well, what do you think you could do next time that would make less of a mess?"

He thought about it for a minute. Then his face lit up. "I could do it in the bathroom!" he exclaimed.

"The dishes might break in the bathroom," she replied. "But how about this? What if you came and got me and I helped you move a chair in front of the kitchen sink so that you could do the work there?"

"Good idea!" he exclaimed happily.

"Now what shall we do with this mess?" she asked.