As the two speakers let go of their positions, as they really listened to each other and understood each other's concerns and intent, they were able to start working together to figure out what could be done. Out of their different points of view came an unbelievable synergy, and they were astonished at the synergistic ideas that resulted from the interaction. They came up with a number of creative alternatives, including new insights into prevention, adoption, and education.

There isn't any subject that isn't amenable to synergistic communication as long as you can use Habits 4, 5, and 6. You can see how interwoven mutual respect, understanding, and creative cooperation are. And you'll find there are different levels in each of these habits. Deep understanding leads to mutual respect, and that takes you to an even deeper level of understanding. If you persist, opening each new door as it comes, more and more creativity is released and even greater bonding takes place.

One of the reasons this process worked with the MBA students was that everyone in the audience became involved, which brought a whole new level of responsibility to the two in front. The same is true in a family when parents realize that they are providing the most fundamental model of problem-solving for their children. The awareness of that stewardship tends to enable us to rise above our less effective inclinations or feelings and to take the higher road-to seek to truly understand and creatively seek the third alternative.

The process of creating synergy is both challenging and thrilling, and it works. But don't be discouraged if you aren't able to solve your deepest challenges overnight. Remember how vulnerable we all are. If you get hung up on the toughest, most emotional issues between you, perhaps you can put them aside a little while and go back to them later. Work on the easier issues. Small victories lead to larger ones. Don't bag the process and don't bag each other. If necessary, go back to the smaller issues.

And don't become frustrated if you're now in a relationship where synergy seems like the "impossible dream." I've found that sometimes when people get a taste of how wonderful a truly synergistic relationship can be, they conclude that there is no way they will ever have this kind of relationship with their spouse. They may think their only hope of having this kind of relationship is with someone else. But once again remember the Chinese bamboo tree. Work in your Circle of Influence. Practice these habits in your own life. Be a light, not a judge; a model, not a critic. Share your learning experience. It may take weeks, months, or even years of patience and long-suffering. But with rare exception it will eventually come.

Never fall into the trap of allowing money or possessions or personal hobbies to take the place of a rich, synergistic relationship. Just as gangs can become a substitute family for young people, these things can become a substitute for synergy. But they are a poor substitute. While these things may temporarily soothe, they will never deeply satisfy. Always be aware that happiness does not come from money, possessions, or fame; it comes from the quality of relationships with the people you love and respect.

As you begin to establish the pattern of creative cooperation in your family, your capacity will increase. Your "immune system" will become stronger. The bonding between you will deepen. Your positive experiences will put you in a whole new place to deal with your challenges and opportunities. Interestingly, your use of this process will increase your power and capacity to convey the most precious message that could ever be given, particularly to a child: "There is no circumstance or condition in which I would give up on you. I will be there for you and hang in there with you regardless of the challenge." In ways unlike any other, it will affirm this message: "I love and value you unconditionally. You are of infinite worth, never to be compared."

The fruit and bonding of true synergy are priceless.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Learning About Synergy Discuss the meaning of "synergy." Ask family members: What examples of synergy do you see in the world around you? Responses might include: two hands working together; two pieces of wood holding more weight than both could support separately; living things functioning together synergistically in the environment.

Discuss together the stories in this chapter. Ask: Does our family operate synergistically? Do we celebrate differences? How could we improve?

Consider your marriage. What differences initially attracted you to each other? Have those differences turned into irritations, or have they become the springboard for synergy? Together, explore this question: In what ways are we better together than we are alone?

Discuss the idea of the family immune system. Ask family members: Do we look at problems as negative obstacles to be overcome or as opportunities to grow? Discuss the idea that challenges build your immune system.

Ask family members: In what ways are we fulfilling our four basic needs-to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy? In what areas do we need to improve?

Family Learning Experiences Review the section entitled "Not All Situations Require Synergy." Develop an approach to making cooperative family decisions without synergy. As a family, go through the "Exercise in Synergy."

Conduct some fun experiments that show how much easier it is to do a job with the help of another person rather than alone. For example, try to make a bed, carry a heavy box, or lift a large table by the edge with one hand. Then invite others to participate and help. Use you imagination and come up with your own experiments to demonstrate the need for synergy.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

Pretend that you are stranded in your home for an entire month with just your family. Ask: What kind of family synergy is available for us to draw on to make it through-and perhaps even enjoy-the challenge? Create a list of contributions each family member could make: MOM Great cook Can sew Loves crafts Loves to hike DAD.

Can fix anything Loves to read to us Plays games Can fish SPENCER.

Fun to play with Loves sports Is artistic Hunts LORI.

Plays the piano Good with kids Loves to bake Good organizer GRANDMA.

Great storyteller Plays violin Bakes pies Was a nurse Perform some experiments that teach the strength of synergy, such as the following: Experiment #1: Ask your children to tie their shoes with one hand. It cannot be done! Then ask another family member to help with one hand. It works! Point out how two working together can do more than one-or even two-working separately. Experiment #2: Give your children a Popsicle stick. Ask them to break it. They probably will be able to do so. Now give them four or five sticks stacked together and ask them to do the same. They probably won't be able to do it. Use this as an illustration to teach that the family together is stronger than any one person alone.

Share the experience about deciding on TV guidelines. Synergistically decide what the guidelines should be in your home.

Ask your children to work together to create a poster for the family.

Let your children plan a meal together. If they are old enough, let them prepare it together also. Encourage them to come up with dishes such as soup, fruit salad, or a casserole where the blending of a number of different ingredients creates something entirely new.

Teach your children this system: "On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel about your point?" Practice it with your children in different situations. It's fun to use and solves lots of problems!

Plan a family talent night. Invite all family members to share their musical or dancing talent, a sports performance, scrapbooks, writings, drawings, woodwork, or collections. Point out how wonderful it is that we all have different things to offer, and that an important part of creating synergy is learning to appreciate others' strengths and talents.

HABIT 7.

SHARPEN THE SAW.

One divorced man shared this experience: During our first year of marriage, my wife and I spent a lot of time together. We went for walks in the park. We went on bike rides. We went to the lake. We had our own special time, just the two of us, and it was really great.

The turning point came when we moved to a different location and became heavily involved in separate careers. She was working the graveyard shift, and I was working the day shift. Sometimes it would be days before we even saw each other. Slowly, our relationship started disintegrating. She started building her circle of friends, and I started building my circle of friends. We gradually drifted apart because we didn't build on the friendship we had together.

Entropy

In physics, "entropy" means that anything left to itself will eventually disintegrate until it reaches its most elemental form. The dictionary defines entropy as "the steady degradation of a system or society."

This happens in all of life, and we all know it. Neglect your body, and it will deteriorate. Neglect your car, and it will deteriorate. Watch TV every available hour, and your mind will deteriorate. Anything that is not consciously attended to and renewed will break down, become disordered, and deteriorate. "Use it or lose it" is the maxim.

Richard L. Evans put it this way: All things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not something to be treated indifferently or abused, or something that simply takes care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to deteriorate. All things need attention, care, and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life.1 So also with regard to the family culture: It requires constant deposits into the Emotional Bank Account to just keep it where it is now, because you're dealing with continuing relationships and continuing expectations. And unless those expectations are met, entropy will set in. The old deposits will evaporate. The relationship will become more stilted, more formal, colder. And to improve it requires new creative deposits.

Imagine how the entropic effect is multiplied by the pressing environmental forces of the turbulent physical and social weather we're trying to navigate in. That is why it's so necessary for every family to take the time to renew itself in the four key areas of life: physical, social, mental, and spiritual.

Imagine for a moment that you're trying to fell a tree. You're sawing through this huge, thick tree trunk. Back and forth, back and forth you pull the heavy saw. You've been laboring at it all day long. You've hardly stopped for a minute. You've been working and sweating, and now you're about halfway through. But you're feeling so tired that you don't see how you're going to last another five minutes. You pause for a minute to catch your breath.

You look up and see another person a few yards away who has also been sawing a tree. You can't believe your eyes! This person has sawed almost completely through his tree trunk! He started about the same time you did and his tree is about the same size as yours, but he stopped to rest every hour or so while you kept working away. Now he's almost through, and you're only halfway there.

"What's going on?" you ask incredulously. "How in the world have you gotten so much more done than I have? You didn't even stay with it all the time. You stopped to rest every hour! How come?"

The man turns and smiles. "Yes," he replies. "You saw me stop every hour to rest, but what you didn't see was that every time I rested, I also sharpened the saw!"

Sharpening the saw means attending regularly and consistently to renewal in all four dimensions of life. If sharpening the saw is done properly, consistently, and in a balanced way, it will cultivate all the other habits by using them in the renewing activities themselves.

Going back to the airplane metaphor, this habit fulfills the need for constant refueling and maintenance of the plane and for continual upgrading of the training and skill level of the pilots and crew.

I recently had two very instructive experiences-a flight on an F-15 and a visit to the nuclear submarine Alabama. I was amazed by the degree and amount of training those involved were required to have. Even the most veteran professional pilots and seamen constantly practiced the elemental and beginning steps and kept constantly updated on new technology in order to be current and prepared.

The evening before the F-15 flight, I was taken through a complete dressing procedure. I put on the flight suit and was instructed in all aspects of the flight and of emergency procedures should anything go wrong. Everyone went through the procedure regardless of their level of experience. When we landed, those involved put on a twenty-minute drill in arming the plane. This drill demonstrated an amazing level of skill, speed, interdependence, and innovation.

On the nuclear submarine it was evident that training was constant-both in the basics and also in all the new technology and procedures. Those on the sub were constantly upgrading their training and constantly doing maintenance drills.

This level of investment in renewal reaffirmed to me how constant practicing allows for quick reaction in the moment of need. It also seemed to affirm the importance of having a shared end in mind, and it created a strength of purpose that transcended the monotony of the repetition.

Once again I was reminded of the importance and the impact of Habit 7, sharpening the saw, in all aspects of life.

The Power of Interdependent Renewal

There are many ways you and your family can be involved in "sharpening the saw" renewal, both independently and interdependently.

Independently, you can exercise, eat healthy foods, and work on stress management (physical). You can become regularly involved in building friendships, giving service, being empathic, and creating synergy (social). You can read, visualize, plan, write, develop talents, and learn new skills (mental). You can pray, meditate, read inspirational or sacred literature, and renew your connection and commitment to principles (spiritual). Doing something independently every day in each of these four areas will help you build your individual capacity and regenerate your ability to practice Habits 1, 2, and 3 (Be proactive, Begin with the end in mind, Put first things first) in your own life.

Notice that these activities are all intrinsic, not extrinsic; in other words, none of them is based on any form of comparison with other people. All of them develop an intrinsic sense of personal and family worth that is independent of others and of the environment-even though it manifests itself in relationships and in the environment. Also notice how each lies within a personal or family Circle of Influence.

In addition, in a family, any renewal activity done together builds relationships as well. For example, family members who exercise together not only build their individual physical strength and endurance but they also increase bonding through such physical activity. Family members who read together multiply both learning and bonding through discussing, synergizing, and "piggybacking" ideas. Family members who worship and serve together strengthen one another's faith as well as their own. They become more unified and connected as they join together in a sacred expression of things that are important to them all.

Consider the way in which consistent one-on-one dates with your spouse or child renew the relationship. Precisely because these dates take such commitment and proactive energy-particularly in the face of a dozen other activities you have to juggle-they say how important that person is to you.

Consider the intimate relationship between a husband and wife. When intimacy is more than physical-when it is emotional, social, mental, and spiritual-it can reach dimensions of the human personality and fulfill some of the deepest hungers that lie in both husband and wife in ways that nothing else can. In addition to procreation, that is one of its central purposes. It requires time and patience, respect and careful thought, honest communication and even prayer. But people who neglect the full approach and deal only with the physical side never know the unfathomable level of unity and satisfaction that can be achieved when all four dimensions are involved.

Consider the weekly family time. When it is planned and prepared for, and when everyone is sincerely involved in the teaching of values, in fun activities, sharing talents, prayer, making refreshments, and so forth, then all four dimensions are integrated, expressed, and renewed.

When these kinds of renewing, relationship-building, saw-sharpening activities take place, the whole dynamic of the family culture is upgraded.

The Essence of Family Renewal: Traditions

In a way you could say that in addition to renewing interpersonal family relationships, the family itself must constantly nurture its collective conscience, social will, social awareness, and common vision. Essentially, that's what Habit 7 in the family is. These repeating patterns of family renewal are called traditions.

Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that you do in your family. They help you understand who you are: that you are part of a family that's a strong unit, that you love one another, that you respect and honor one another, that you celebrate one another's birthdays and special events, and make positive memories for everybody.

Through traditions you reinforce the connection of the family. You give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being understood. You are committed to one another. You are a part of something that's greater than yourself. You express and show loyalty to one another. You need to be needed, you need to be wanted, and you're glad to be part of a family. When parents and children cultivate traditions that are meaningful to them, every time they go back to that tradition it renews the emotional energy and bonding of the past.

In fact, if I were to put into one word the essence of building this account and sharpening the saw in all four dimensions in the family, that word would be "traditions." Just think about how traditions such as weekly family times and one-on-ones regenerate your family in all four areas on an ongoing basis.

In our own family the traditions of family nights and one-on-one dates-particularly when the children write the agenda-have probably been the most enriching, renewing, and powerfully bonding parts of our family life over the years. They've sharpened our family's saw. They've kept the culture focused on having fun, on constantly renewing our commitments to our central values, and on listening deeply and expressing fully.

In this chapter we're going to look at a number of other kinds of sharpening-the-saw traditions. I want to acknowledge at the outset that the traditions we share from our family are those that have been meaningful to us. I realize that you may have other traditions in your family and may not relate to these at all. That's fine. I'm not trying to teach our way of doing it or suggest that our way is best. I'm simply trying to point out the importance of having some renewing traditions in the family culture, and I'm using some of our own experiences to illustrate this.

You will need to decide what traditions truly represent the spirit of your family culture. The main point is that renewing family traditions will help you create and nurture a beautiful family culture that encourages you to keep on track and keeps family members coming back to the flight plan time and time again. These ideas are shared in the hope that they will stimulate thinking and discussion in your family as to what traditions you want to create or strengthen in your own family culture.

Family Dinners

We all have to eat. The way to the heart, mind, and soul is often through the stomach. It takes careful thought and determination, but it's possible to organize meaningful mealtimes-times without television, without just gulping something down on the run. And it doesn't have to take forever, either, particularly if everyone does some part in the preparation and in the cleanup.

Family meals are important-even if you have only one family meal each week and that family meal is essentially the "family time" for the week. If the mealtime is meaningful and fun and well prepared, the family table becomes more of an altar than an eating counter.

Marianne Jennings, professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University, wrote an article in which she observed from her own experience just how vital the kitchen table is to family life. Notice how all four dimensions-physical, social, mental, and spiritual-are involved.

I cut out my wedding dress at the same place where I memorized my spelling words. It was in that same place that I ate Archway cookies each day after school. And it was there that I prepared for my SAT. My husband-to-be was grilled mercilessly in that same spot. Much of what I have learned and hold dear is inextricably intertwined with the kitchen table. This 4-by-6 scratched and worn piece of furniture was a small physical part of my home. Yet as I look back on what we did there, I realize that it was a key to the life I now have.

Each night during my youth it was the kitchen table where I was held accountable for the day's events. "When is the next report card?" "Did you clean up the mess in the basement?" "Did you practice your piano today?"