"Really?" I asked incredulously. "How did you do it?"

"What do you mean, how did we do it?"

"You were synergistic!" I said. "One plus one usually equals two. But you made one plus one equal four. Now that's synergy. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. So how did you do it?"

"You know how we did it!" he replied.

"You must have valued the differences!" I exclaimed.

Now contrast that experience with that of some friends of ours who were in the same situation-except their roles were reversed. The wife said: My husband and I have very different thinking styles. I tend to be more logical and sequential-more "left brained." He tends to be more "right brained," to look at things more holistically.

When we were first married, this difference created something of a problem in our communication. It seemed that he was always scanning the horizon, looking at new alternatives, new possibilities. It was easy for him to change course midstream if he thought he saw a better way. On the other hand, I tended to be diligent and precise. Once we had a clear direction, I would work out the details, burrow in, and stay the course, no matter what.

This gave rise to a number of challenges when it came to making decisions together on everything from setting goals to buying things to disciplining the children. Our commitment to each other was very solid, but we were both caught up in our own ways of thinking and it seemed like a lot of work to try to make decisions together.

For a time we tried to separate areas of responsibility. In doing the budget, for example, he would do much of the long-range planning, and I would keep the records. And this proved to be helpful. We were both contributing to the marriage and family in our own areas of strength.

But when we discovered how to use our differences to create synergy, we came to a new level of richness in our relationship. We discovered that we could take turns listening to each other and have our eyes opened to a whole new way of seeing things. Instead of approaching problems from "opposite" sides, we were able to come together and approach problems with shared and much greater understanding.

This opened the door to all kinds of new solutions to our problems. It also gave us something wonderful to do together. When we finally realized that our differences were parts of a greater whole, we began exploring the possibilities of putting those parts together in new ways.

We discovered that we love to write together. He goes for the big concepts, the holistic ideas and the right brain ways of teaching. I challenge and interact with him on the ideas, arrange the content, and do the wordsmithing. And we love it! This has brought us together in a whole new level of contribution. We've found that our togetherness is much better because of our differences rather than in spite of them.

Notice how both couples were dealing with right and left brain differences in thinking. In the first situation, these differences led to frustration, misunderstanding, and alienation. In the second, they led to a new level of unity and richness in the relationship.

How was the second couple able to get such positive results?

They learned how to value the difference and use it to create something new. As a result, they're better together than they are alone.

As we said in Habit 5, everyone is unique. And that uniqueness, that difference, is the basis of synergy. In fact, the whole foundation of the biological creation of a family hinges on the physical differences between a man and a woman that produce children. And that physical creative power serves as a metaphor for other kinds of good things that can come as a result of differences.

It's not enough to simply tolerate differences in the family. You can't just accept differences. You can't just diversify family functions to accommodate differences. To have the kind of creative magic we're talking about, you must actually celebrate differences. You must be able to say sincerely, "The fact that we see things differently is a strength-not a weakness-in our relationship."

From Admiration to Irritation

Ironically, often the very things that attract people to each other in the beginning of a relationship are the differences, the ways in which someone is delightfully, pleasantly, excitingly different. Yet as they get into the relationship, somehow admiration changes to irritation, and some of those differences are the very things that cause the greatest distress.

I remember coming home one night after having been away from meaningful communication with our young children for two or three days. I was feeling somewhat guilty about this lack of communication, and when I feel guilty, I tend to become a bit indulgent.

Because I was often away, Sandra had to compensate for my indulgence by coming on a bit too strong. Her toughness caused me to become a little softer. My increased softness caused her to become a little harder. Thus, the discipline system in our home was sometimes driven more by politics than by the consistent application of principles that create a beautiful family culture.

When I came home that night, I went to the top of the stairs and yelled, "Boys, are you there? How's it going?"

One of the younger boys ran down the hall, looked up at me, and then shouted back to his brother, "Hey, Sean, he's nice." (In other words, "He's in a good mood!") What I didn't know was that these boys were in bed under threat of their lives. They had used every conceivable excuse to get up and keep playing and goofing off. That had gone on until my wife's patience had come to an end. She had sent them to bed with a final command: "Now you boys stay in bed or else!"

So when they saw Dad's car lights shine through the window, a new ray of hope was born. They thought, Let's see what kind of mood Dad is in. If he's in a good mood, we can get up and play some more. When I came into the house, they were waiting. The words, "Hey, Sean, he's nice," were their cue. We started wrestling around in the front room and having all kinds of fun.

Then out came Mom. With a mixture of frustration and anger in her voice, she shouted, "Are those kids still up?"

I quickly replied, "Hey, I haven't seen much of them lately. I want to play with them for a little while." Needless to say, she didn't like my response, nor did I like hers. And there were the boys, watching Mom and Dad arguing right in front of them.

The problem was that we had not synergized on this issue and come up with agreements we were both willing to live with. I was too much a product of my moods and feelings, and I wasn't consistent. I didn't show respect for the fact that these boys were in bed and should have stayed in bed. But I also hadn't seen them for some time. And a pertinent question was "How important is the bedtime rule anyway?"

The solution to this problem was not worked out immediately, but eventually we concluded that the bedtime rule wasn't that important for our family-particularly as the children became teenagers. We felt that what were normal bedtimes for many families were important and fun family times for us. The kids would sit around and talk, eat, and laugh-particularly with Sandra, since I typically went to bed earlier. The thing that enabled that synergistic solution for our family was acknowledging the differences and allowing all of us to do what we individually and collectively felt strongly about.

Sometimes living with differences and appreciating other people's uniqueness is hard. We tend to want to mold people in our own image. When we get our security from our opinions, to hear a different opinion-particularly from someone as close as our spouse or children-threatens that security. We want them to agree with us, to think the way we think, to go along with our ideas. But as someone once said, "When everybody thinks alike, nobody thinks very much." Another said, "When two agree, one is unnecessary." Without difference, there's no basis for synergy, no option to create new solutions and opportunities.

The key is to learn to blend the best of them together in a way that creates something entirely new. You can't have a delicious stew without diversity. You can't have a fruit salad without diversity. It's the diversity that creates the interest, the flavor, the new combination that puts together the best of all different things.

Over the years Sandra and I have come to recognize that one of the very best things about our marriage is our differences. We share an overarching commitment and value system and destination, but within that, we have great diversity. And we love it! Most of the time, that is. We count on each other's different perspectives to increase our judgment, to help us make better decisions. We count on each other's strengths to help compensate for our individual weaknesses. We count on each other's uniqueness to give spice and flavor to our relationship.

We know we're better together than we are alone. And we know that one of the primary reasons is that we are different.

Cynthia (daughter): If you wanted advice about something, you'd go to Dad, and he'd give it to you. He'd say, "I'd do this." And he'd outline everything.

But sometimes you didn't want advice. You just wanted someone to say, "You're the best. You're the greatest. They should have chosen you as cheerleader [or class president or whatever] instead of that other girl." You just wanted someone to be really supportive and loyal to you, no matter what. And that was Mom. In fact, she was so loyal, I was always afraid she was going to call whoever I was mad at and bawl them out and say, "Why are you being so rude to my daughter? Why don't you ask her out?" or "Why didn't you choose her to be the lead in the play?"

She thought we were the greatest. It wasn't so much that she thought we were better than other kids, but she thought a lot of us. And we could feel that even though we knew she was prejudiced about us and usually exaggerated what we did. But it felt good to know that someone believed in you that much. And that's what she instilled in us: "You can do anything. You will rise and accomplish your goals if you just stick with it. I believe in you, and you can do it."

Somehow each of them taught us the best of what they were.

The Process in Action

Synergy is not just teamwork or cooperation. Synergy is creative teamwork, creative cooperation. Something new is created that was not there before and could not have been created without celebrating differences. Through deep empathic listening and courageous expressing and producing new insights, the third alternative is born.

Now you can apply Habits 4, 5, and 6 to create new third-alternative solutions in any family situation. In fact, I'd like to suggest that you try to do just that.

I'm going to share with you a real-life situation and ask you to engage your four human gifts to see how you would resolve it. I'll interrupt this experience at points along the way and ask questions so that you can use your pause button and think through specifically how you could use your gifts and just what you would do. I suggest you take the time to think deeply about and answer each question before you continue reading.

My husband didn't earn much money, but we were finally able to buy a small house. We were thrilled to have a home of our own even though the payments were such that we would just barely be able to stay financially solvent.

After living in the home for a month we became convinced that our front room looked shabby because of the threadbare couch that my husband's mother had given us. We decided that although we couldn't afford it, we had to have a new couch. We drove to a nearby furniture store and looked at the couches. We saw a beautiful Early American couch that was just what we wanted, but we were astonished at the high price. Even the least expensive couch was twice the price we had thought it would be.

The salesman asked us about our house. We told him, with some degree of pride, how much we loved it. Then he said, "How would that Early American couch look in your front room?"

We told him it would look grand. He suggested that it be delivered the following Wednesday. When we asked him how we could get it without any money, he assured us that would be no problem because they could defer the payments for two months.

My husband said, "Okay. We'll take it."

[Pause: Use your self-awareness and your conscience. Assuming you were the woman, what would you do?]

I told the salesman that we needed more time to think. [Notice how this woman used her Habit 1 proactivity to create a pause.]

"My husband replied, "What is there to think about? We need it now, and we can pay for it later." But I told the salesman that we would look around and then maybe come back. I could tell my husband was upset as I took hold of his hand and began to walk away.

We walked to a little park and sat on a bench. He was still upset and hadn't said a word since we left the store.

[Pause: Use your self-awareness and your conscience again. How would you handle this situation?]

I decided to let him tell me how he felt and to listen so that I could understand his feeling and thinking. [Notice the Habit 4 win-win thinking and the use of Habit 5.]

Finally, he told me that he felt embarrassed anytime anyone came to our home and saw that old couch. He told me that he worked hard and couldn't see why we made so little money. He didn't think it was fair that his brother and others got paid so much more than he did. He said that sometimes he felt he was a failure. A new couch would be a sign that he was okay.

His words sank into my heart. He almost convinced me that we should go back and get the couch. But then I asked him if he would listen while I told him my feelings. [Notice the use of the second half of Habit 5.] He said that he would.

I told him how proud I was of him and that to me he was the world's greatest success. I told him how I could barely sleep at night sometimes because I was worried that we didn't have enough money to pay the bills. I told him that if we bought that couch, in two months we'd have to pay for it-and we wouldn't be able to do it.

He said that he knew that what I was saying was true, but he still felt bad that he could not live as well as all those around him.

[Pause: Use your creative imagination. Can you think of a third alternative solution?]

Somehow we got to talking about how we could make our front room more attractive without spending a lot of money. [Notice the beginning of Habit 6 synergy.] I mentioned that the local thrift store might have a couch that we could afford. He laughed and said, "They could have an Early American couch there that's far more Early American than the one we've just seen." I reached out and took his hand, and we sat there for a long moment just looking into each other's eyes.

Finally, we decided to go over to the thrift store. We found a couch there that was mostly wood. The cushions were all detachable. They were terribly worn, but I didn't think it would be too much trouble to re-cover them in some fabric that would match the colors of the room. We bought the couch for thirteen dollars and fifty cents and headed home. [Notice the use of conscience and independent will.]

The next week I enrolled in a furniture upholstery class. My husband refinished the wooden parts. Three weeks later we had a lovely Early American couch.

As time went by, we'd sit on those golden cushions and hold hands and smile. That couch was the symbol of our financial recovery. [Finally, notice the results.]

What kind of solutions did you come up with as you went through this experience? As you connected with your own gifts, you may even have come up with answers that would work for you better than the one this couple discovered.

Whatever solution you came up with, think about the difference it would make in your life. Think about the difference this couple's synergy made in their lives. Can you see how they used their four gifts, how they created the pause that enabled them to act instead of react? Can you see how they engaged in the Habits 4, 5, and 6 process to come to a synergistic third-alternative solution? Can you see the value that was added to their lives as they developed their talents and created something beautiful together? Can you imagine the difference it will make each time they look at their couch and see something they bought with cash and worked together to beautify rather than something they bought on credit and are paying interest on every month?

One wife described living these habits in these words: With Habits 4, 5, and 6, my husband and I are constantly seeking each other's exploration. It's like a ballet or dance of two dolphins-a very natural moving together. It has to do with mutual respect and trust, and the way these habits play out in day-to-day decisions-whether it's huge decisions, like whose house we lived in after we were married, or what we should have for dinner. These habits themselves have become a habit between us.

The Family Immune System

This kind of synergy is the ultimate expression of a beautiful family culture-one that's creative and fun, one that's filled with variety and humor, one that has deep respect for every person and every person's varied interests and approaches.

Synergy unleashes tremendous capacity. It gives birth to new ideas. It brings you together in new multidimensional ways, making huge deposits in the Emotional Bank Account because creating something new with someone else is enormously bonding.

It also helps you create a culture in which you can successfully deal with any family challenge you might face. In fact, you could compare the culture created by Habits 4, 5, and 6 to a healthy immune system in the body. It determines the family's ability to handle whatever challenges are thrown at it. It protects family members so that when mistakes are made or when you get blindsided by some totally unexpected physical, financial, or social challenge, the family doesn't get overcome by it. The family has the capacity to accommodate it and rise above it, to adapt-to deal with whatever life throws at it and to use it, learn from it, run with it, optimize it, and make the family stronger.

With this kind of immune system, you actually see "problems" differently. A problem becomes something of a vaccination. It triggers the immune system to produce antibodies so that you never get the full-blown disease. So you can take any problem in your family life-a problem in your marriage, a struggle with one of your teenage children, a layoff, an estranged relationship with an older brother or sister-and look at it as a potential vaccination. Undoubtedly it will cause some pain and perhaps a little scarring, but it can also trigger an immune response, the development of the capacity to fight.

Then, no matter what difficulties come along, the immune system can wrap its arms around that difficulty-that setback, that disappointment, that deep fatigue or whatever it may be that threatens family health-and turn it into a growth experience that makes the family more creative, more synergistic, more capable of solving problems and of dealing with any kind of challenge you may confront. So problems don't discourage you; they encourage you to develop new levels of effectiveness and immunity.

Seeing problems as vaccinations gives new perspective to the way you see even the challenge of dealing with your most difficult child. It will build strength in you and in the entire culture as well. In fact, the key to your family culture is how you treat the child that tests you the most. When you can show unconditional love to your most difficult child, others know that your love for them is also unconditional. And that knowledge builds trust. So strive to be grateful for the most difficult child, knowing that the very challenge can build strength in you and in the culture as well.

When we come to understand the family immune system, we come to look upon small problems as reinoculations of the family body. They cause the immune system to kick in, and by properly communicating and synergizing around them, the family builds greater immunity so that other small problems are not blown out of proportion.

The reason AIDS is such a horrific disease is that it destroys the immune system. People don't die of AIDS; they die of the other diseases that take over because they have a compromised immune system. Families do not die from a particular setback; they die because they have a compromised immune system. They have overdrawn Emotional Bank Accounts and no organizing processes to institutionalize-or build into the day-to-day processes and patterns of family life-the principles or the natural laws on which family is based.

A healthy immune system fortifies you against four "cancers" that are deadly to family life: criticizing, complaining, comparing, and competing. These cancers are the opposite of a beautiful family culture, and without a healthy family immune system, they can metastasize and spread their negative consuming energy throughout the family.

"You See It Differently. Good! Help Me Understand."

Another way to look at this Habits 4, 5, and 6 culture is through the airplane metaphor. We said at the outset that we're going to be off track 90 percent of the time, but we can read the feedback and get back on course.

"Family" is about learning the lessons of life, and feedback is a natural part of that learning. Problems and challenges give you feedback. Once you realize that each problem is asking for a response instead of just triggering a reaction, you start to learn. You become a learning family. You welcome challenges that test your capacity to synergize and to respond with higher levels of character and competence. You have differences, and you say, "You see it differently. Good! Help me understand." You also draw upon the collective conscience, the moral or ethical nature of everyone in the family.

But in order to do this, you have to get beyond the blaming and accusing. You have to get beyond the criticizing, complaining, comparing, and competing. You have to think win-win, seek to understand and be understood, and synergize. If you don't, at best you'll end up satisfying, not optimizing; cooperating, not creating; compromising, not synergizing; and, at worst, fighting or flighting.

You also have to live Habit 1. As one man said, "This process is magic! All it takes is character." And so it does. It takes character to think win-win when you and your spouse feel differently about buying a car, when your two-year-old wants to wear pink pants and an orange shirt to the grocery store, when your teenager wants to come home at 3 A.M., when your mother-in-law wants to rearrange your house. It takes character to seek first to understand when you think you really know what someone's thinking (you usually don't), when you're sure you have the perfect answer to the problem (you usually don't), and when you have an important appointment you have to be at in five minutes. It takes character to celebrate differences, to look for third-alternative solutions, to work with the members of your family to create this sense of synergy in the culture.

That's why proactivity is foundational. Only as you develop the capacity to act based on principles instead of reacting to emotion or circumstance and only as you recognize the priority of family and organize around it will you be able to pay the price that's necessary to create this powerful synergy.

One father shared this experience: As I thought about Habits 4, 5, and 6 and worked to develop them in our family, I came to feel that I needed to work on my relationship with my seven-year-old daughter, Debbie. She often reacted very emotionally, and when things didn't go her way, she tended to run to her room and cry. It seemed that no matter what my wife and I did, it put her in a tailspin.

And her frustration led to our frustration. We found ourselves reacting to her and constantly getting on her. "Settle down! Stop crying! Go into your room until you're under control!" And this negative feedback caused her to act up even more.

But one day as I was thinking about her, an insight came. My heart was touched as I realized that her emotional nature was a very special gift that would be a great source of strength to her in life. I had often seen her show unusual compassion for her young friends. She was always one to make sure that everyone's needs were met, that no one was left out. She had a great heart and a wonderful ability to express love. And when she wasn't in one of her emotional tailspins, her cheeriness was like tangible sunshine in our home.

I realized that her "gift" was a vital competency that could bless her whole life. And if I kept up this negative, critical approach, I was likely to snuff out what could become her greatest strength. The problem was that she didn't know how to deal with all her emotions. What she needed was someone to hang in there with her, to believe in her, to help her work it out.

So the next time she lost it, I didn't react. And when her inner storm had spent itself, we sat down together and talked about what it really takes to solve problems, to find alternatives that everyone feels good about. I realized that in order for her to be willing to remain in the process, she needed a few victories, so I consciously helped provide her with experiences where synergy really worked. And this enabled her to develop the courage and belief that if she pushed her own pause button and hung in there with us, it would pay off.