Whenever I think of my children, I don't think of how they look and act today. I'm flooded with memories of familiar expressions they used, favorite outfits they wore. Baby, toddler, preschool, teen, young adult-all these images flash before my mind as I see the finished product before me. I remember the ages and stages, the looks, laughter, tears, failures, and triumphs.

A glance at this picture wall is like having your whole life flash before you in a few seconds. I'm flooded with memories, nostalgia, pride, joy, and renewal. Life goes on, and it's so wonderful. We have lots of scrapbooks, and I enjoy those, too. But this is our family-our life-all around me. And I love it.

I have often wished we could expand that wall to include pictures of the future as well-to see ourselves, our spouses, and our children ten, twenty, even fifty years down the road. How mind and heart expanding it would be if we could see the challenges they will face, the character strength they will develop, the contributions they will make! And what a difference it would make in our interactions with each other if we could see beyond the behavior of the moment-if we could treat everyone in the family from the perspective of all they have been and all that we can help them become, as well as whatever they may happen to be doing at any given moment.

To act on that kind of vision-instead of on the emotion or the behavior of the moment-makes all the difference in parenting. Take a jugular issue such as disciplining a child, for example. One of the most valuable things Sandra and I have learned as a result of "big picture" thinking is the difference between punishment and discipline. Perhaps I can illustrate with the common practice of sending a child to a "time-out" room.

Many people use a "time-out" room as a place to send a misbehaving child until he or she settles down. How this time-out room is used clearly represents the distinction between punishment and discipline. Punishment would be saying to the child, "Okay, you've got to go into the time-out room for thirty minutes." Discipline would be saying, "Okay, you need to go into the time-out room until you decide to live by what we agreed." Whether the child stays in the room for one minute or one hour doesn't matter, as long as the child has exercised the necessary proactivity to make the right choice.

For example, if a son clearly misbehaves, then he needs to go into the time-out room until he makes up his mind to do otherwise. If he comes out and continually misbehaves, then that means he hasn't made up his mind, so that issue would have to be discussed. But the point is that you're showing respect and affirming that he has the power to choose the behavior that is consistent with the principles in the agreement. Discipline is not emotional. It's handled in a very direct and matter-of-fact way, carrying out the consequences agreed to beforehand.

Whenever a child misbehaves, it's important to remember Habit 2 (Begin with the end in mind) and to be clear about exactly what it is you're trying to do. Your end in mind as a parent is to help the child learn and grow, to nurture a responsible person. The objective of discipline is to help the child develop internal discipline-the capacity to make right choices even when there are influences to do otherwise.

In light of that, one of the most important things you can do is involve Habit 1 (Be proactive) on the child's level and affirm his or her capacity to be "responseable." Make it clear that the issue is the behavior, not the child. Affirm, rather than deny, the child's ability to make choices. You can also help children improve their ability to make good choices by encouraging them to keep a personal journal. In that way they strengthen their own unique human gifts by observing their own involvement and educating their conscience. You can also use Habit 4 to come up with win-win agreements regarding rules and consequences in advance.

Sandra and I find that when our children experience this kind of discipline, they have a whole different spirit about them. Their energy is focused on dealing with their own conscience instead of with us. They become more open and teachable. And often, discipline actually builds the Emotional Bank Account. There's good will in the relationship rather than rejection and harshness. Children may still make bad choices, but they come to trust the sense of dependability and stability in principles and in a principle-centered home environment.

The ability to see the "big picture" makes an enormous difference in every family interaction. Perhaps when all of us look at the members of our family (including ourselves), we ought to envision everyone wearing a T-shirt that says, "Be patient; I'm not finished yet." And we ought always to assume good faith. By acting on the assumption that others are trying to do their best as they see it, we can exert a powerful influence in bringing out the best in them.

If we can always see each other as constantly changing and growing and acting in good faith-and if we can keep our destination, the end, in mind-we'll have the motivation and the commitment it takes to always go for win-win.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Learning to Think "Win-Win"

Discuss the arm wrestling demonstration. Why is the win-win way of arm wrestling and thinking so much better for family relationships?

Discuss how one person with a win-win attitude can change a situation.

Ask family members: Why is internal contention more destructive to the family than the turbulent pressures from outside?

Interdependence Is the Goal Ask family members: What needs to happen for family members to be able to work together to come up with solutions that are better than any one family member could come up with alone? How would the "one question, one commitment" idea be helpful?

Discuss the consequences of win-lose and lose-win thinking. Ask: Can you think of any situation in which either of these alternatives would work better than win-win?

Moving from "Me" to "We"

Review the funeral story as an example of how a very sensitive situation was turned into a win-win for everybody by one man with a vision and a plan. Discuss how you can develop and model a win-win attitude and behavior in some situation in your life.

Talk about the difference between a "scarcity" and an "abundance" mentality. Identify a situation in which an abundance mentality would benefit your family. Try to use abundance thinking for a week. Talk over the difference it makes in your family culture.

Developing Win-Win Agreements with Family Members Discuss the stories in this chapter that deal with the development of family win-win agreements. Talk about the difference these agreements make for children and for parents. Try creating a win-win agreement with another family member. Live with it for a week. Discuss the benefits and challenges.

Discuss the difference between discipline and punishment. Ask: How can we discipline without punishing?

Discuss what it means to see the big picture. When a family member is being disagreeable, how can seeing beyond the behavior of the moment help you think win-win?

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

Enough for Everyone Enjoy an afternoon in the sun with your children. Go to a place such as the beach, the park, or the mountains and talk with them about how wonderful the sun is and how there is enough for everyone. Point out that it doesn't take anything away from the sun whether one or one million people are enjoying it. There is an abundance of sunshine, just as there is an abundance of love. Loving one person doesn't mean you cannot love other people as well.

Play a game. Tell the children that this time, "winning" means it's got to be a win for everyone. Decide on some new rules which say that being kind and considerate to the other players is more important than getting the most points. See what happens. Children might decide to give up a turn now and then, share the game money or candy, go for a team score, or offer advice on how to make a better move. After the game, have them discuss how helping everyone win made them feel. Help them to understand that the world has room for lots of winners.

Invite the family to a ball game and explain on the way that the plan is for everyone to take note of the "best" they see on the playing field-best play, best teamwork, best sportsmanship, best coordination-not only from the team they're rooting for, but also from the opposing team. After the game, compare notes and have them point out all the good things they observed. Ask family members to share their insights and feelings.

Share the story about the two young brothers who had such a competitive relationship that they couldn't enjoy being together. Discuss how the win-win approach they developed could help in solving any similar problems you might have between your children.

Select an issue that has created a struggle between you and your children. It could be something such as getting a swingset they want badly, visiting an amusement park, or doing something you're not sure you want them to do. Sit down and discuss it. Lay all cards on the table. Determine what would constitute a win for each person involved and try to come up with a true win-win solution. Discuss together how you feel when the solution is reached.

Choose areas in your family life that need additional cooperation, teamwork and better attitudes. Write each one on a note and put them all in a hat. Have the children draw the notes out of the hat one at a time, and explain what they would do to make that situation a win for everyone.

HABIT 5.

SEEK FIRST TO.

UNDERSTAND . . .

THEN TO BE.

UNDERSTOOD.

To learn to seek first to understand and then to be understood opens the floodgates to heart-to-heart family living. As the fox said in the classic The Little Prince, "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

As we begin this chapter, I'd like to ask you to try an experiment. Please take a few seconds and just look at this picture.

Now look at this picture and carefully describe what you see.

Do you see an Indian? What does he look like? How is he dressed? Which way is he facing?

You would probably say that the Indian has a prominent nose, that he's wearing a feathered warbonnet, and that he is looking to the left of the page.

But what if I were to tell you that you're wrong? What if I said that you were not looking at an Indian but at an Eskimo, and that he is wearing a coat with a hood that covers his head, that he has a spear in his hand, and that he is facing away from you and toward the right side of the page?

Who would be right? Look at the picture again. Can you see the Eskimo? If you can't, keep trying. Can you see his spear and hooded coat?

If we were talking face-to-face, we could discuss the picture. You could describe what you see to me, and I could describe what I see to you. We could continue to communicate until you showed me what you see in the picture and I showed you what I see.

Because we can't do that, and study this picture. Then look at this picture again. Can you see the Eskimo now? It is important that you see him clearly before you continue reading.

For many years I have used these kinds of perception pictures to bring people to the realization that the way they see the world is not necessarily the way other people see the world. In fact, people do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are-or as they have been conditioned to be.

Almost always this kind of perception experience causes people to be humbled and to be much more respectful, more reverent, more open to understanding.

Often when I teach Habit 5, I will go out into the audience and take a pair of glasses from one person and try to talk another person into wearing them. I usually tell the audience that I'm going to use several methods of human influence to try to get this person to wear these glasses.

When I put these glasses on the person-let's say a woman-she will usually quickly recoil in some way, particularly if they are strong prescription glasses. And so I appeal to her motivation. I say, "Try harder." And there's even more recoiling. Or if she feels intimidated by me, she'll outwardly tend to go along, but there's no real buy-in inside. So I say, "Well, I sense you're kind of rebelling. You've got an 'attitude.' You've got to be positive. Think more positively. You can make this work." So she'll kind of smile, but that doesn't work at all and she knows it. So she'll usually say, "That doesn't help at all."

So then I try to create a little pressure or to intimidate her in some way. I step into the role of a parent and say, "Look, do you have any idea of the sacrifices your mother and I have made for you-the things we've done for you, the things we've denied ourselves to help you? And you're going to take this kind of an attitude! Now wear these!" And sometimes that stirs up even more feelings of rebellion. I step into the role of a boss and try to exert some economic pressure: "How current is your resume anyway?" I appeal to social pressure: "Aren't you going to be part of this team?" I appeal to her vanity: "Oh, but they look so good on you! Look, everyone. Don't they complement her features?"

I tap into motivation, attitude, vanity, economic and social pressure. I intimidate. I guilt-trip. I tell her to think positively, to try harder. But none of these methods of influence works. Why? Because they all come from me-not from her and her unique eye situation.

This brings us to the importance of seeking to understand before you seek to influence-of diagnosing before prescribing, as an optometrist does. Without understanding, you might as well be yelling into the wind. No one will hear you. Your effort may satisfy your ego for a moment, but there's really no influence taking place.

We each look at the world through our own pair of glasses-glasses that come out of our own unique background and conditioning experiences, glasses that create our value system, our expectations, our implicit assumptions about the way the world is and the way it should be. Just think about the Indian/Eskimo experience at the beginning of this chapter. The first picture conditioned your mind to "see" or interpret the second picture similarly. But there was another way to see it that was just as accurate.

One of the main reasons behind communication breakdowns is that the people involved interpret the same event differently. Their different natures and background experiences condition them to do so. If they then interact without taking into account why they see things differently, they begin to judge each other. For instance, take a small thing such as a difference in room temperature. The thermostat on the wall registers 75 degrees. One person complains, "It's too hot," and opens the window; the other complains, "It's too cold," and closes it. Who is right? Is it too hot or too cold? The fact is they are both right. Logic would say that if two disagree and one is right, the other is wrong. But it isn't logic; it's psycho-logic. Both are right-each from his or her own point of view.

As we project our conditioning experiences onto the outside world, we assume we're seeing the world the way it is. But we're not. We're seeing the world as we are-or as we have been conditioned to be. And until we gain the capacity to step out of our own autobiography-to set aside our own glasses and really see the world through the eyes of others-we will never be able to build deep, authentic relationships and have the capacity to influence in positive ways.

And that's what Habit 5 is all about.

At the Heart of Family Pain Is Misunderstanding

Years ago I had a profound, almost shattering experience that taught me the essence of Habit 5 in a forcible and humbling way.

Our family was on a sabbatical for about fifteen months in Hawaii, and Sandra and I had begun what was to become one of the great traditions of our lives. I would pick her up a little before noon on an old red trail cycle. We would take our two preschool children with us-one between us and the other on my left knee-and ride out in the cane fields by my office. We would ride slowly along for about an hour, just talking. We usually ended up on an isolated beach; we parked the trail cycle and walked about two hundred yards to a secluded spot where we ate a picnic lunch. The children would play in the surf, and we would have great in-depth visits about all kinds of things. We would talk about almost everything.

One day we began to talk about a subject that was very sensitive for us both. I had always been bugged about what I considered Sandra's inordinate attachment to buying Frigidaire appliances. She seemed to have an obsession about Frigidaire that I was at an absolute loss to understand. She would not even consider buying another brand. Even when we were just starting out and on a very tight budget, she insisted that we drive the fifty miles to the "big city" where Frigidaire appliances were sold, because no dealer in our small university town carried them at that time.

What bothered me the most was not that she liked Frigidaire but that she persisted in making what I considered illogical and indefensible statements that had no basis in fact whatsoever. If she had only agreed that her response was irrational and purely emotional, I think I could have handled it. But her justification was really upsetting. In fact it was such a tender issue that on this particular occasion we kept riding and postponed going to the beach. I think we were afraid to look each other in the eye.

But the spirit was such that we were very open. We started talking about our appliances in Hawaii, and I said, "I know you would probably prefer Frigidaire."

"I would," she agreed, "but these seem to be working out fine." Then she began to open up. She said that as a young girl, she realized that her father worked very hard to support his family. He worked as a high school history teacher and coach for years, and to help make ends meet, he went into the appliance business. One of the main brands he carried in the store was Frigidaire. When he returned home after a full day of teaching and working late into the evening at the appliance store, he would lie on the couch and she would rub his feet and sing to him. It was a beautiful time they enjoyed together almost daily for years. Often during this time he would talk through his worries and concerns about the business, and he shared with Sandra his deep appreciation for Frigidaire. During an economic downturn, he had experienced serious financial difficulties, and the only thing that had enabled him to stay in business was that Frigidaire financed his inventory.

As Sandra shared these things, there were long pauses. I knew that she was tearing up. This was a deeply emotional thing for her. The communication between father and daughter had taken place spontaneously and naturally, when the most powerful kind of scripting takes place. And perhaps Sandra had forgotten about all this until the safety of our year of communication, when it could also come out in very natural and spontaneous ways.

My eyes began to tear as well. I finally started to understand. I had never made it safe for her to talk about it. I had never empathized. I had simply judged. I had just moved in with my logic and my counsel and my condemnation and never even made an effort to really understand. But as Blaise Pascal has said, "The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of."

We spent a long time in the cane fields that day. And when we finally did arrive at the beach, we felt so renewed, so bonded to each other, so reaffirmed in the preciousness of our relationship, that we just held each other. We didn't even need to talk.

There's no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding. Relationships can be superficial. They can be functional. They can be transactional. But they can't be transformational-and deeply satisfying-unless they're built on a foundation of genuine understanding.

In fact, at the heart of most of the real pain in families is misunderstanding.

A short time ago a father shared with me the experience of punishing his young son who kept disobeying him by constantly going around the corner. Each time he did so, the father would punish him and tell him not to go around the corner again. But the little boy kept doing it. Finally, after one such punishment, this boy looked at his father with tear-filled eyes and said, "What does 'corner' mean, Daddy?"

Catherine (daughter): For quite a while I couldn't figure out why our three-year-old son would not go over to his friend's house to play. The friend would come over several times a week and play at our house, and they got along well. Then this friend would invite our son to play in his yard, which had a big sand pile, swing sets, trees, and a large green lawn. Each time he said he would go, but after walking halfway there, he would always come running back with tears in his eyes.

After I listened to him and tried to discover what his fears were, he finally opened up and told me that he was afraid to go to the bathroom at his friend's house. He didn't know where it was. He was afraid he might accidentally wet his pants.

I took him by the hand, and we walked together over to the friend's house. We talked to his mother, and she showed our son where the bathroom was and how to open the door. She offered to help him find it if he was in need. Feeling greatly relieved, he decided to stay and play, and hasn't had a problem since.

One of our neighbors related an experience he had had with one of his daughters who was in grade school. All of their other children were very bright, and school was easy for them. He was surprised when this daughter started doing poorly in math. The class was studying subtraction, and she just didn't seem to get it. She would come home frustrated and in tears.

This father decided to spend an evening with his daughter and get to the bottom of the problem. He carefully explained the concept of subtraction and let her try a few problems. She still wasn't making the connection. She just didn't understand.

He patiently lined up five shiny red apples in a row. He took away two apples. All of a sudden her face lit up. It was as if a light had gone on inside her. She blurted out, "Oh, nobody told me we were doing take away." No one had realized that she had no idea that "subtraction" meant "take away."

From that moment on, she understood. With young children we have to understand where they are coming from, what they are thinking, because they usually don't have the words to explain it.