We asked all to come prepared so that if another family member was bashful about expressing a desire, they could be sensitive and plead for that family member's getting a certain thing.

When the day for dividing the possessions came, I realized that, despite all our good intentions, there was a high potential for quite a volatile situation. Feeling the need to reconnect with our purpose, I said, "Remember, we are here because we love these two people and we love one another. We want to come out of this experience happy. We want these next few hours to be something that would bring Mom and John happiness if they were here."

And so we all agreed: "We are not going to leave this place until we all feel good about what each person has." We tapped into everyone's love for both of these people and into a sense of responsibility to maintain a spirit of love and kindness and consideration toward other family members. We tapped into people's highest qualities. And the results were amazing.

Each of us took a turn expressing what we had put on our list and why it was important to us. As we shared memories around these things, we found ourselves reminiscing about our experiences with Mom and John. We found ourselves laughing and joking and really enjoying sharing and being together.

When we'd all had our turns, we realized that there was really very little overlap. And when two people expressed a desire for the same thing, one would say, "Gosh, that was on my list, but I can totally see why that would mean so much to you. I'd really like for you to have it."

And toward the end we felt much love for one another and love and gratitude for Mom and John and their lives. It was like an experience dedicated to their honor.

Notice how this man was able to become a transition person in his family. Notice how he made the proactive choice that the welfare of this entire family was his highest priority. This man was truly thinking win-win.

Most of the people in this situation had what we could call a scarcity mentality: "There's only one pie, so if you get a bigger piece, then I get less." So everything has to be win-lose.

But this man was able to develop an abundance mentality, the idea that there's plenty for everyone and that there is an infinite number of third-alternative solutions, better ways to work things out that make a win for everyone.

This abundance mentality is the spirit of "family." It's the spirit of "we." And this is what marriage and family are all about.

There are some who would say, "The hardest thing about getting married or having children is that it changes your entire lifestyle. You can no longer just focus on your own schedule, your own priorities. You have to sacrifice. You have to think about others, about meeting their needs, about what makes them happy."

And this is true. A good marriage and a good family require service and sacrifice. But when you truly love another and share a transcendent sense of purpose in creating the "we"-such as raising a child-then sacrifice is nothing more than giving up something small for something big. True fulfillment comes from sacrifice. It is this very shift from "me" to "we" that makes family, family!

As J. S. Kirtley and Edward Bok said: He who carries a wrong heart into the married life and cherishes it in selfishness or finds there a selfish heart that persists in remaining wrong, will make or find married life irritating, galling, unbearable. . . . One who expects to be ministered to in the married state is acting on a principle that will pervert the whole life. He who marries for the purpose of receiving, rather than bestowing, makes a false start. . . . "Married life can never be what it ought to be while the husband or wife makes personal happiness the main object."1 The spirit of wanting the best for everyone and being willing to love and sacrifice to make that happen is the true spirit of win-win.

The reality is that-not in spite of but because of their challenges-marriage and family life are the character-building crucible out of which true joy and fulfillment come. As Michael Novak has observed: Marriage is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego. Marriage is a threat to the solitary individual. Marriage does impose grueling, humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. Yet if one supposes that precisely such things are the preconditions for all true liberation, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite. . . .

Being married and having children has impressed on my mind certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful. Most are lessons of difficulty and duress. Most of what I am forced to learn about myself is not pleasant. . . . My dignity as a human being depends perhaps more on what sort of husband and parent I am, than on any professional work I am called upon to do. My bonds to [my family] hold me back (and my wife even more) from many sorts of opportunities. And yet these do not feel like bonds. They are, I know, my liberation. They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced.2 It is totally and sadly amazing to see beautiful marriage ceremonies take place with all the excitement, social support, beauty, and romance and then see those marriages turn sour and end up in bitterness, in vindictiveness, in the polarization of even families and friends who were once so warm to one another, so knitted together.

When you think about it, the two people haven't changed that much. What has changed is the movement from independence to interdependence-which ultimately changes all circumstances. With the coming forth of children and responsibilities, the rigors and demands of emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual interdependence far exceed any understanding or vision the original "honeymooners" had. If there is continual growth on both their parts-and growth together-the increasing responsibilities and obligations will unite and bond them in profound ways. If not, it will eventually tear them apart.

It's also interesting to see how there are always two sides to every breakup and how both sides are usually convinced they are right and the other is wrong. And again, both sides generally represent individuals who are basically good, and haven't really changed that much. But independent mind-sets simply will not work in an interdependent relationship and environment. Marriage and family life is truly the "graduate school" of mortality.

One man who married at the age of thirty said this: When I first got married, I thought I was the most giving, kind, generous, outgoing, unselfish person. But I came to realize I am one of the most selfish, egotistical, self-absorbed people around. And I'm brought up against it constantly because the challenge is always there: doing what I know I should do versus doing what I want to do short term.

I get home from work. It's been a long day and I'm tired, and what I want to do is crawl into my own little cave. I want to escape. I don't want to worry about a relationship or anyone or anything else. I just want to immerse myself in a hobby or a project or anything where I don't have to think.

And yet I know I ought to focus on that relationship and spend some quality time with my wife. I need to realize that she has needs and wants, and I need to listen to her.

For thirty years my life was about me. It wasn't about anyone else. And now that I'm married, I realize my life can't be about me anymore. It's about us. If I'm serious about making my marriage work, then I've got to make that commitment. "My life is not about me; it's about us." Sure there's personal development and I still need personal time. But there's also that relationship, and if it's important to me, I must put the time and effort into it-even when I don't feel like it, even when I'm tired or cranky or ornery.

In her book Lucky in Love: The Secrets of Happy Couples and How Their Marriages Thrive, Catherine Johnson shares her research regarding factors that make marriages happy and long-lasting. Among those factors, she highlights two beautiful ideas: 1. Both partners stop being single at heart and become married at heart. Their two souls become one, and each sees the other as his or her best friend.

2. They care more about the health of the relationship than they do about winning arguments. They are self-aware and can hear and evaluate themselves from their partner's perspective.3 The kind of sacrifice and service required to achieve a beautiful family culture creates the ultimate "win" in terms of character and fulfillment for those who love as well as for those who are loved. And that is the true spirit of win-win. In fact, it's really win-win-win-a win for the individual, a win for the marriage and family, and a huge win for the society that's benefited by fulfilled individuals and strong families.

How to Cultivate the Spirit of Win-Win

To think win-win means that you try to have this spirit of win-win in all family interactions. You always want what's best for everyone involved.

As a parent, you know that there will be times when your children want to do things that aren't going to create a win for them. Most young, inexperienced people tend to act on their wants, not their needs. Those who care for them are usually more mature, more experienced, and wiser, and are willing to focus on needs rather than wants. Therefore, they often make decisions that are unpopular and that appear to be win-lose.

But parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child's whim and desire. It's about making decisions that truly are win-win-however they may appear to the child at the time.

Always keep in mind that parenting is basically a "dissatisfaction" business, and it takes a high level of maturity and commitment for parents to realize that and adjust their expectations accordingly. Remember, what makes kids happy is not the opposite of what makes them unhappy or what dissatisfies them. The lack of air, for example, is a dissatisfier. Air doesn't really satisfy you-but if you don't have it, you are extremely dissatisfied. "Air" in the home is what you as a parent provide in terms of understanding, support, encouragement, love, and consistency. To not have these things is a dissatisfier. Without them, the kids would be unhappy. But having them won't make the kids happy. So parents need to adjust their expectations accordingly.

Frederick Herzberg first introduced this satisfaction/dissatisfaction idea in his "hygiene motivation theory," which has staggering implications for parents.

Don't expect a lot of praise and appreciation from your children. If it comes, it's icing on the cake. But don't expect it.

Be happy and eliminate as many dissatisfiers as possible.

Don't define satisfactions for your kids. You simply can't force natural processes.4 As a parent, you're going to deal with all kinds of expressions of dissatisfaction from your children. But remember that all the things you do to provide the basic underpinnings of happiness and security for your child usually aren't talked about. So don't make the mistake of thinking that your children's expressions of dissatisfaction represent the quality of the job you're doing as a parent.

The key is the relationship. People will basically allow you to deal with their needs rather than with their wants when they trust you and know that you sincerely care. So if you cultivate the spirit of win-win whenever you possibly can, children will have the context to understand and accept those decisions that seem to them to be win-lose. And there are several ways that you can do this.

You can let them win in the little things. When children are little, 90 percent of the things are small. In our own family, if our children wanted to set up a swing in the family room, go outside, get dirty, or leave a fort in the house for weeks, we'd generally let them do it. It was a win for them; it was a win for us. It strengthened the relationship. In general we try to distinguish between matters of principle and matters of preference, and take a stand only on the things that really count.

You can interact with them around the big things. In this way they will know you have their welfare in mind, that you're not out to build your own ego or focus on your own selfish concerns. You can be open to their influence. As much as you can, involve them in the problem and work out the solution together. They may have an idea that's genuinely better than yours. Or maybe by interacting you can synergize and create a new alternative that's better than either yours or theirs.

You can take steps to offset the competition focus. One time I went to watch my granddaughter play in a soccer match. She's a good player, and we all felt excited because this was the key game between two top teams from two different cities. The parents on both sides of the field got really involved as the players battled back and forth in a very close game. Finally, the game ended in a tie-which to our coach was not as bad as a loss, but almost.

After the game was over, players from both teams went through the mechanical process of saying, "Good game, good game," as they shook hands. But our team was demoralized. You could see it in their faces. And the coach was out there trying to assuage them a little, but they knew that he was also deeply disappointed. And so they were walking across the field with their heads down.

As they approached the group of parents where I was standing, I spoke up enthusiastically, "All right, kids! That was a great game! You had five goals: to try your best, to have fun, to work together as a team, to learn, and to win. And you accomplished four and a half of those goals. That's ninety percent! That's tremendous! Congratulations!"

You could just see their eyes brighten up, and it wasn't long before both players and parents were celebrating over the four and a half goals these kids had achieved.

A teenage girl shared this experience: As a sophomore I played on the girls high school basketball team. I was pretty good for my age and tall enough to be a starter on the varsity team although I was just a sophomore. My friend Pam, a sophomore as well, was also moved up to be a starter on the varsity squad.

I had a sweet little shot I could hit quite regularly from ten feet out. I began making four or five of those shots a game and getting recognized for it. It soon became apparent that Pam didn't like all the attention I was getting and decided, consciously or not, to keep the ball from me. It didn't matter how open I was for the shot, Pam stopped passing the ball to me.

One night after playing a terrible game in which Pam kept the ball from me most of the game, I was as mad as I had ever been. I spent many hours talking with my dad, going over everything, and expressing my anger toward my friend-turned-enemy, Pam the jerk. After a long discussion, my dad told me that the best thing he could think of was to give Pam the ball every time I got it. Every time. I thought it was the stupidest suggestion he had ever given me. He told me it would work and left me at the kitchen table to think about it. But I didn't. I knew it wouldn't work and put it aside as silly fatherly advice.

For the next game I planned and plotted and went out with a mission to ruin Pam's game. On my first possession of the ball, I heard my dad above the crowd. He had a booming voice, and though I shut out everything around me while playing basketball, I could always hear Dad's deep voice. At the moment I caught the ball, he yelled out, "Give her the ball!" I hesitated for one second and then did what I knew was right. Although I was open for a shot, I found Pam and passed her the ball. She was shocked for a moment, then turned and shot, sinking the ball for two points.

As I ran down the court to play defense, I felt something I had never felt before: true joy for the success of another human being. And, even more, I realized that it put us ahead in the game. It felt good to be winning. I continued to give her the ball every time I got it in the first half. Every time. In the second half I did the same, shooting only if it was a designated play or if I was wide open for a shot.

We won that game, and in the games that followed, Pam began to pass me the ball as much as I passed it to her. Our teamwork was getting stronger and stronger, and so was our friendship. We won the majority of our games that year and became a legendary small town duo. The local newspaper even did an article on our ability to pass to each other and sense each other's presence. It was as if we could read each other's mind. Overall, I scored more points than ever before. When I scored, I could feel her genuine happiness for me. And when she scored more than I did, I felt especially good inside.*

Even in a win-lose situation such as in athletics, there are things you can do to help create a win-win spirit and to emphasize the overall context of win-win. In our family we've discovered we often have a more enjoyable time together if we go for a "team" score.

Sandra: When our family included infants to teenagers, it was hard to find an activity that everyone could enjoy. Sometimes we would go bowling. All could participate at the level they were at, but the winners were always the same people-the larger, stronger, and more skilled.

We tried to figure out a way that it could become a win for everyone and finally found a system that worked. Instead of adding up individual scores and having the person with the most points win, we added up the total of everyone's score. We set an arbitrary goal of so many points we had to reach in order to win as a family. If we met the goal, we would be able to have ice cream sundaes or root beer floats or banana splits as a reward for meeting our goal. So instead of getting upset when someone else had a strike or did much better, we were cheering all of us to do our best so our points would add up to our goal.

This became a win-win for the entire family and a very synergistic solution. Instead of having winners and losers, we hoped each person would do his or her best. We cheered each other on. We had a common goal. One extra point would make the difference in going out for pizza or ice cream instead of going home.

We've also found that involving one child in training another child diminishes the rivalry between those children. Both children honor and respect the one child's achievement because they were both involved.

Sandra: Sean and David were only eighteen months apart in age. Sometimes there was competition and rivalry. When David was learning to read, for example, Sean would often mimic him and make him cry. Slowly and haltingly, David would stumble on the words, "Mary . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . store." Sean would crawl out from his hiding place and repeat in the same slow manner, "Mary . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . store," teasing and laughing and making fun of David until he started crying.

We would interact with him: "Sean, David is trying to learn to read. You had to learn to read. It's hard at first. Stop teasing him. He's your little brother, for heaven sakes! Don't make him cry-just leave him alone."

This went on for some time until we finally came up with a better solution. Taking Sean aside, we visited with him. "Sean, how would you like to take an assignment? You are older than David, and you already know how to read. Do you think that you could teach David to read? That would be so nice. Sit down with him every day for one half-hour and see if you can help him better than we were able to."

Sean thought about this and decided to do it. After a few days he brought David by the hand and presented him to us with this exclamation: "Listen to David read. I've been teaching him every day, and he sounds really good." David would open his book and proceed to read, "Mary . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . store," sounding slow and unsteady, just as he had a few days earlier.

We said, "Congratulations, Sean! You've taught David how to read." Sean was beaming, full of pride for being the master teacher. David was happy, too, knowing that his brother thought he sounded great. It was a win for both of them. Sean had become the teacher, bringing his student to us for approval. David had become the learner, proud of his accomplishments.

There are many ways to create win-win situations-even for the youngest of children. As became clear at our daughter's birthday party, young children go through many developmental stages, including the need to own or possess their toys before they're willing to share. Once we as parents understand these types of concepts, we can help our children move toward win-win: "What's all the crying about? Oh, look, Johnnie feels bad. Why do you think he feels bad? Do you think it's because you took that toy away from him? These are your toys. They belong to you. What do you think we can do to make Johnnie feel happy and make you feel good inside, too? You want to share? What a good idea! Now both of you will be happy."

Sandra: I remember our two-year-old being mildly resentful and anxious about the time I spent nursing her younger brother. Finally, I said, "Why don't you run and choose your favorite book for me to read to you while I'm nursing the baby? The baby is so little, he just eats and falls asleep, and you and I have all this time to spend together by ourselves." It became our story reading time and solved the problem.

Creating Win-Win Agreements

Some of the biggest deposits and withdrawals in the family come from how you handle expectations. Sometimes people just assume certain things about relationships. These things are never talked about, but the assumptions, the expectations, are there. And when these expectations are not fulfilled, it becomes a major withdrawal.

The key is in creating clear expectations up front, and family "win-win agreements" can help you do this. One woman shared this experience of developing a win-win agreement with a daughter who was taking the lower road: We have a daughter who is very social. She enjoys all forms of activities and always has been involved in every form of dancing, cheerleading, sports, drama, and music.

When she entered high school, it seemed like heaven to her with so many opportunities for fun and socializing-and especially getting to know all the new boys she was meeting. But it wasn't long before her grades started to drop and home became more of a hotel. It seemed as if she had lost her good sense and was just bouncing of the wall in her attempt to be part of the "real world" and fit in.

We were deeply concerned because we could see a smart girl starting to go down a very unhealthy and unproductive path. So one night we sat down with her and explained in detail what a win-win agreement was and how it worked. We asked her to think about it, and we set a time to meet with her the following night to draw up an agreement that all of us could live with.

The next night we all met in the living room and got out our notepads. We first asked her to tell us about her needs. There were many: She needed more freedom, more involvement in high school activities, later curfews, permission to drive with boys, money to attend the dances, extracurricular lessons so she could improve in an area she wanted to try out for, nicer clothes, parents who were more understanding and not so "outdated," and so on. As we listened, we could tell that these concerns were very important to her at this stage in her life.

We then asked if we could state our concerns-which we did. And we had just as many. We listed things such as acceptable grades, planning for the future, helping out at home, obeying curfews, reading on a regular basis, being nice to her brothers and sisters, and hanging out with kids who had good values and habits.

Naturally, she had objections to many things we brought up. But the fact that we made it a meeting, that we wrote everything down and seemed to be so organized, and that we had the attitude of really wanting to reach a solution that everyone could be happy with, made a deep positive impression on her. We were able to draw up a win-win agreement very quickly, one that involved every aspect of her life. There were gives and takes on both sides. She insisted on signing it and having us sign it, and she has kept it in her room as her contract with us.

Since that evening she has totally relaxed. It's as though she doesn't have to prove to anyone anymore that she is getting older and needs new boundaries. There's no longer a reason to challenge situations and prove her point.

She has referred to the agreement many times since-always because we forgot something we had agreed to. It has given her peace. She knows where she stands. And it impressed her that we were so willing to negotiate, to change, and to try to understand where she's coming from right now in her life.

A divorced mother shared this experience in developing a win-win agreement with a son on drugs: My husband and I divorced when our son was sixteen, and this was very hard for him to deal with. He experienced great pain that got him into drugs and other problems.

When I had the opportunity to attend a 7 Habits course, I invited this struggling son to come with me, which he did. This laid the foundation for a major transformation in his life.

At first he actually went further downhill. But he was finally able to use these habits to pull himself up again. Together we developed a win-win agreement. Part of the agreement was that I would help him purchase a car, which he desperately needed, and that he would make the remaining payments. He was in financial difficulties so he couldn't get a loan, but I would get it. He would also go through drug therapy. We were very specific about five or six issues that needed to be taken care of, and he agreed. He wrote up the agreement, and we signed it. We were both very clear on what needed to happen.

He had been in great despair and facing very difficult challenges, but he became entirely responsible for his past and courageously began to travel down a different road. He honored every single commitment he made. In a three-month period he was able to totally and completely turn his life around.

He is now well employed and is going to the university. He's the top student in his class. He wants to be a doctor and is back on track, while it had looked before as if he would never reach this goal.

Can you see how, in each of these situations, the agreements nurtured a spirit of win-win in the culture?

Can you also see how these agreements helped build the Emotional Bank Account? They were based on shared understanding. They helped create shared vision. They clarified expectations. They involved commitment. They built trust. And they were a win for everyone involved.

Let the Agreement Govern

One mother shared how a win-win agreement helped her get off her children's backs and let them learn responsibility: When our children were small, I had always made sure their clothes were clean, neatly folded, and put away. As they got older, I taught them to sort the laundry and put away their own clothes. But when they reached their early teens, we felt the time had come to give them the stewardship of really being responsible for their own clothes. So at one of our family times just before school started, we talked about it. We decided together what would be a win for them and a win for us. And we set up a win-win clothing agreement.

We agreed that we would provide them with a certain amount of money for a "clothing allowance" each week, transportation for them to buy clothes, and help with clothing repair. In turn they agreed that they would wash, fold, and put away their laundry each week, keep their clothes drawers and closets neat and orderly, and not leave clothes lying around. We set up an "unwanted box" for anything left lying around. Each item put in the box cost twenty-five cents of their clothing allowance to redeem.

We also agreed that every week we would have an accountability session. They would turn in a sheet of paper that listed the allowance they had earned that week by doing chores. Also on the paper was a place for them to check off whether or not they had done their laundry.

The year started out great. We taught them how to use the laundry machines. They were excited about having money to buy their own clothes, and they went through several weeks with clean, folded clothes. But as they became more involved in school activities, they began to miss a week here and there. At one point they were missing more than they were making it happen.

It was a big temptation to nag them about it, and sometimes I did. They were always sorry and always had plans to do better. But after a while I began to realize that I had given them a responsibility and then had taken it back. As long as I was reminding them, it was my problem, not theirs.

So I bit my tongue and let the agreement play itself out. Every week I cheerfully sat down with them and accepted their paper. I paid them the allowance they earned. If they had done their clothes, I gave them their clothing allowance. If not, I didn't. Week after week they were brought face-to-face with their own performance.

Before long, clothes began to wear out. Shoes got too small. They began to say, "I really need some new clothes!"

"Great!" I said. "You have your clothing allowance. When would you like me to take you shopping?"

The reality suddenly seemed to get through. They realized that some of their choices about the way they were spending their time may not have been the best. But they couldn't complain. They had helped create the agreement in the first place. It wasn't long before they began to take a much greater interest in getting their laundry done.

The best thing about this whole experience is that the agreement helped me be calm and let them learn. They chose; they got the consequence. I was loving, I was supportive, but I didn't get in the way. I wasn't being pulled apart by "Mom, please get me a new shirt!" or "Can't we please go to the mall and get some new pants?" The agreement governed. They knew they couldn't come to me and beg for money for clothes.

Notice how this woman let the win-win agreement govern in the relationship. Can you see how doing that enabled her to be less reactive when problems came up? The agreement gave her a sense of security. It freed her to be more loving and kind when the children had problems because she wasn't subject to their whims and persuasions.

Can you see how this approach would build the Emotional Bank Account? The relationship didn't turn into a power struggle because the agreement was in place. This woman was doing what she had agreed to do. She let them learn from the consequences of their choice. And she was free to be loving and sympathetic when they didn't get the result they wanted.

Notice, too, how this woman was able to teach her children several important principles through this win-win agreement. She had given them the example: They had lived with clean, folded clothes for many years. She gave them the education and training they needed to succeed: She taught them how to sort their laundry and how to use the laundry machines. Then she fixed the responsibility through the agreement and didn't take it back. She patiently, lovingly let them learn.