CHAPTER XX.

HARROWFORK POST-OFFICE.

A gloomy Picture--Beautiful Village--Litigation in Harrowfork--A model Post Master--The Excitement--Pet.i.tioning the Department--Conflicting Statements--The decisive Blow--The new Post Master--The "Reliable Man"--Indignant Community--Refusal to serve--An Editor's Candidate--The Temperance Question--Newspaper Extracts--A Mongrel Quotation--A Lull--A "Spy in Washington"--Bad Water--New Congressmen--The Question revived--Delegate to Washington--Obliging Down Easter--The lost Letters--Visit to the Department--Astounding Discovery--Amusing Scene--A Congressmen in a "Fix"--The Difficulty "arranged."

There is no blessing bestowed upon us by a kind Providence, which man's selfishness may not pervert into a grievance. We have seen this principle ill.u.s.trated in the use and abuse of post-offices, as often as in any other civil inst.i.tution.

How society in the nineteenth century could exist without mail routes and the regular delivery of letters, it is impossible to conceive.

Imagine a town without a post office! a community without letters!

"friends, Romans, countrymen, and lovers," particularly the lovers, cut off from correspondence, bereft of newspapers, buried alive from the light of intelligence, and the busy stir of the great world! What an appalling picture!

We have always thought that Robinson Crusoe and his man Friday might have enjoyed a very comfortable existence, had Juan Fernandez been blessed with a post-office. But think of a society of Crusoes and Fridays! n.o.body receiving letters, n.o.body writing letters--no watching the mails, no epistolary surprises and enjoyments, which form so large an element in our social life to-day!

But gloomy as the picture appears, we have many times thought that some very respectable and enlightened villages would be decidedly benefited, were the post office stricken from the catalogue of their inst.i.tutions. This is a bone of contention, which often sets the whole neighborhood by the ears and communities, which might otherwise enjoy the reputation of being regular circles of "brotherly love," break out into quarrels, contentions, slanders, litigations, and all sorts of unchristian disturbances.

The case of the town of Harrowfork, which I find recorded in my note-book, will most capitally ill.u.s.trate the point under consideration. Harrowfork, by the way, is not the real name of the town, but a fict.i.tious one, which we use for our convenience, to avoid personalities. It is located on the Eastern slope of an eminence, which overlooks one of the fairest of valleys on one of the most beautiful New England streams. The town was once a favorite place of resort with the writer, during the Summer season; and, although this was years ago, the pretty village is still fresh in his memory, with its green hills, its handsome residences embowered in the foliage of trees and vines--its rival churches, with their emulous spires pointing toward heaven; its shady roads, and magnificent prospects, looking far off upon the wide-spread valley, dotted with farmhouses, and beautified by the sinuous, glittering waters of the stream.

Its sunrises were particularly fine, and it has always seemed to me that the poet must have had them in his mind, when he penned the sonnet commencing

"Full many a glorious morning I have seen Flatter the mountain tops with sovereign eye, Kissing with golden face the meadows green, Gilding pale streams with Heavenly alchemy!"

It appears to us a strange dispensation of Providence, that such a perfect nest of loveliness should be invaded by inharmonious cat birds, and mischief-making wrens. But dissensions did creep in through the post-office. Up to a certain time, such universal peace prevailed among the inhabitants, that its two lawyers would have been beggared, had they not wisely resorted to farming, as a more reliable occupation than the occasional and precarious one of conducting some tame and straight-forward case, for a petty fee. But now the lawyers have enough to do, without turning aside from their regular profession; litigation is brisk and spirited in Harrowfork, and intricate and aggravated cases are numerous. Neighbors quarrel, church members sue each other, deacons go to law, the lawyers build fine houses, their families grow extravagant in dress--all owing to the post-office.

As long as old Uncle Crocker was post master, there was no difficulty.

He seemed just the man for the business. He was looked upon as a part of the inst.i.tution. n.o.body thought of turning him out, more than they would have thought of pet.i.tioning for the removal of Harrowfork Hill.

But Uncle Crocker was not a permanent inst.i.tution, notwithstanding the people's faith. One of his daughters married, and settled in the West.

Excited by the report she made of the country, two of his sons followed her, and in the course of time, Uncle Crocker himself "pulled up stakes," retired from the post-office with honors, and migrated to the new territory.

As soon as the old gentleman's intention was made public, there was a slight flutter of interest in the community, in relation to the subject of a successor in his office. At first, if the name of a new candidate was hinted at, it was offered like Snagsby's expression of opinion in the presence of his wife--only as a "mild suggestion." But there was a good deal of partisan feeling latent in Harrowfork, and this was just the thing to develope it; and gently as the breeze had arisen, it freshened and increased, until it blew a perfect hurricane, that not only disturbed the whole county, but became troublesome even as far off as Washington.

At an early period of the excitement, the friends of an enterprising tradesman in the place had gone quietly to work, and procured his appointment to the office. It was quite a surprise to many of his fellow-townsmen, and no small sensation was produced when DEACON UPTON was announced as the new post master. Many were dissatisfied, of course, and although the deacon had always been known as a quiet, inoffensive man, he suddenly became the subject of derogatory remarks.

The personal friends who had been instrumental in securing the appointment, formed a spirited minority in his favor, while all who had not been consulted in the premises, naturally felt bound to range themselves on the side of his critics and opponents.

To make matters worse, a Presidential campaign followed Mr. Upton's inauguration, and politics "ran high." The post-office became the great centre and source of excitement. People met, on the arrival of the mails, and glanced over the editorial columns of their newspapers, and talked over their grievances. At length the great crisis came. A change of Administration was effected. And as the health or sickness of the nation appeared now to depend entirely upon the post-office inc.u.mbent at Harrowfork, this subject received prompt attention from all parties.

All sorts of communications, full of absurd complaints, contradictory statements, imperative commands, and angry denunciations, were now poured in upon the Post-Office Department at Washington. To show what human nature is at such times, and also to designate how perfectly clear and beautifully pleasant the duty of the appointing power becomes, in the progress of the snarl, we will give a few specimens of these conflicting missives.

Here is one version of the story:--

To His Honor, the Post Master General, at Washington,

Sir:

Your Honor's humble pet.i.tioners, legal voters in the town of Harrowfork, respectfully submit the following _undeniable facts_ for your consideration.

First, the person who now holds the office of post master in our place, is _totally unfit_ for the business. He was got in by a clique of interested individuals, who used underhanded measures for the purpose, and succeeded in their object only by blinding the eyes of the Department to the real character of the man, and the wishes of the people. Not one man in fifty is in favor of the present inc.u.mbent; and those who are, turn out generally to be persons who seldom write or receive letters, and have little or no business in connexion with the post-office.

Second, the office is left during a great portion of the time in the charge of the post master's father-in-law, a worthy old gentleman, but whose sight has somewhat failed him; so that when persons call for letters or papers, he has first to hunt up his spectacles, which he has been known to be near five minutes in finding; then he has to go over with the letters, &c., very slowly, to avoid making mistakes, very often taking them out of the wrong box at that, and after all, giving the wrong letters to people, or giving them none at all, when the fact is, letters for them have perhaps been lying untouched in the office for weeks.

Such cases are nothing uncommon.

Third, valuable letters have been lost through carelessness on the part of persons in the office, or from _less excusable_ causes, of which we leave your Honor to judge. Letters containing money are particularly liable to miscarry.

Fourth, it is a fact which merits your Honor's special consideration, that, in consequence of the dissolute habits of the post master's nephew, who attends in the office evenings, a not very respectable gang of young men are encouraged to hang about the doors till late at night, making it very unpleasant for the more sober citizens to go there for their mails.

Fifth, the present post master is a deacon of the church, and very sectarian in his views. There may be no direct connection between this circ.u.mstance, and the fact that the religious newspapers of different sects from his own, are apt to be lost or destroyed in the mails, while the "Helmet of Truth," a paper to which he is commissioned to obtain subscribers, is always punctually delivered! Your Honor's pet.i.tioners state this only as a remarkable coincidence, which may however have some bearing upon the case.

In view of these stubborn and undeniable facts, we the undersigned, legal voters in the town of Harrowfork, humbly pet.i.tion your Honor, that the present post master be removed, and a more suitable person appointed in his place.

We also beg leave to suggest to your Honor's consideration, the name of Josiah Barnaby, as a fit and reliable candidate for the office, and a person who would be sure to give more general satisfaction to the community than any other available man.

Trusting that the foregoing statements will receive your Honor's early attention, and such official action as the merits of the case demand, we remain

Your Honor's respectful pet.i.tioners.

Signed by { Aminadab Fogle { and thirteen others.

This was certainly a strong case, and it would seem perfectly clear that "his Honor" should straightway remove Upton and appoint Barnaby to fill his place.

But close upon the heels of the above pet.i.tion, followed another of a very different character. The framers of the last also maintained that a change should be made, and adduced strong charges against Upton; but it appeared after all, that Barnaby was not the most reliable man.

"Such an appointment," said the new doc.u.ment, "would give greater dissatisfaction, if possible, than the old one has done. The said Barnaby is an infidel, who made himself very obnoxious to all right-minded citizens by his avowed disbelief in the Scriptures, and his contempt of the Sabbath, and the ordinances of religion.

Your Honor's humble pet.i.tioners, therefore, submit that it would be an outrage upon the feelings of a Christian community to have such a person appointed to so important and responsible an office.

Furthermore, the undersigned take it upon themselves to affirm that it is not the wish of over four persons in our district that the said Barnaby should receive the commission. We understand the pet.i.tion in his favor was drawn up by one Aminadab Fogle, whose name heads the list. Now it happens that the said Fogle is a brother-in-law of the said Barnaby, while at least three others in his (Barnaby's) favor are likewise connections of the family, and persons, like him, entirely dest.i.tute of religious principles.

With regard to other persons who signed the pet.i.tion, the most of them privately acknowledge that they did so, because they were urged, and could not refuse, without offending their neighbors.

Under these circ.u.mstances, the undersigned respectfully represent that they express the general feeling of the community, when they nominate Mr. Homer S. Clark as an eligible candidate for the office in question."

Then follows an eulogy on Mr. Homer S. Clark; the whole winding up with a grand rhetorical flourish, to the tail of which are attached some twenty-three names, representing the active "better cla.s.s" of society in Harrowfork.

So it appeared that Clark was the right man; and undoubtedly the Department would have proceeded at once to invest him with the disputed honors; but before any action could be had in the matter, a candid representation from another party, strengthened by affidavits, served to cast "ominous conjecture" on the whole affair. This was a pet.i.tion from the Upton party, wherein it was maintained, that of the two aspirants for office, Barnaby was the better man of the two, Clark having made himself very unpopular, by failing for a large amount some years before, going through chancery, and afterwards living in a style of elegance unbecoming a man who had dismissed his creditors with ten cents on a dollar.

It was also shown that the prime mover in favor of Clark was a cousin of his, and the same person who was supposed to have held a large portion of bankrupt property in trust for the said Clark at the time of his failure! Still Barnaby was no more fit for the office, than the pet.i.tioners in favor of Clark had represented. There were fifty in Harrowfork eminently qualified to fulfil the duties of post master, and who would give infinitely better satisfaction than either of the new candidates; but of them all, there was no one, who, in the opinion of the pet.i.tioners, was better calculated for the office than the present inc.u.mbent. It was only a few dissatisfied, mischief-making people, who pretended to consider a change at all desirable. Upton had now been in a year; had shown himself obliging and faithful; and although a few unimportant mistakes, unavoidable under the circ.u.mstances, had escaped his eye in the early part of his career, he was now experienced, and no such errors would be likely to occur in future.

The attention of the Department was then called to the fact that the names of John Harmon, Solomon Corwin, Amos Fink, and several others, probably would be found on both the Clark and Barnaby pet.i.tions! This inconsistency was easily accounted for. In the first place, John Harmon had always been accustomed, when Crocker was post master, to make himself quite at home in the office. Mr. Upton, however, exercising a stern impartiality, had from the first excluded every outsider from the private room, Harmon not excepted, during the business of opening and a.s.sorting the mails. Thereupon Harmon had taken offence, and was ready to sign any pet.i.tion against Upton, without regard to the source whence it originated. With respect to Corwin and Fink and any others whose names might be found on both the previous pet.i.tions, they were easy, good-natured individuals, who could not say "no;" and who might generally be prevailed upon to sign any sort of a paper to which their attention was called.

It was therefore the humble prayer of the pet.i.tioners, that no needless change should be made, but that the present post master should be continued in office, at least until some good reason should be a.s.signed for his removal.

Then followed a good show of names designed to impress the Department with the power and influence of the Upton party.

This put a different face upon the matter, and simple justice seemed to require that the actual inc.u.mbent should remain unmolested in the enjoyment of the honors and emoluments of his office.

But there came another statement from a fourth party, containing grave and serious charges not only against Barnaby and Clark, but also against Upton, and recommending the removal of the latter, and the appointment of a new candidate, Mr. Ezekiel Sloman, to the vacancy. It was made to appear that Mr. Sloman was the man, of all others, to please the community at large; and for a time his prospects were very good; but some of Upton's friends getting wind of the matter, it was satisfactorily represented to the Department, that although an honest, well-meaning man, the said Sloman was entirely dest.i.tute of energy and business tact; that, indeed, he had so little worldly capacity that he was literally supported by the charity of friends; and that in order to relieve themselves of the enc.u.mbrance, these friends had united to have him appointed post master.

Thus Sloman was cast overboard. The Upton party exulted. Their opponents were exasperated, and a coalition was formed between the Barnaby and Clark factions.