"Like the song says, 'Don't tell me, show me.'"

The next night, Toni was on the Internet, and from that time on, her life changed. She was no longer bored. The Internet became a magic carpet that flew her all over the world. When Toni got home from work, she would immediately turn on her computer and go on-line to explore various chat rooms that were available.

It was so simple. She accessed the Internet, pressed a key and a window opened on the screen, split into an upper portion and a lower portion. Toni typed in "h.e.l.lo. Is anyone there?"

The lower portion of the screen flashed the words "Bob. I'm here. I'm waiting for you."

She was ready to meet the world.

There was Hans in Holland: "Tell me about yourself, Hans."

"I'm a DJ in Amsterdam at a great club. I'm into hip-hop, rave, world beat. You name it."

Toni typed in her reply. "Sounds great. I love to dance. I can go all night long. I live in a horrible little town that has nothing to offer except a few disco nights."

"Sounds sad."

"It b.l.o.o.d.y well is."

"Why don't you let me cheer you up? What are the chances of our meeting?"

"Ta ta." She exited the chat room.

There was Paul, in South Africa: "I've been waiting for you to check back in, Toni."

"I'm here. I'm dying to know all about you, Paul."

"I'm thirty-two. I'm a doctor at a hospital in Johannesburg. I-"

Toni angrily signed off. A doctor! A doctor! Terrible memories came flooding through her. She closed her eyes a moment, her heart pounding. She took several deep breaths. Terrible memories came flooding through her. She closed her eyes a moment, her heart pounding. She took several deep breaths. No more tonight, No more tonight, she thought, shakily. She went to bed. she thought, shakily. She went to bed.

The following evening, Toni was back on the Internet. On-line was Sean from Dublin: "Toni...That's a pretty name."

"Thank you, Sean."

"Have you ever been to Ireland?"

"No."

"You'd love it. It's the land of leprechauns. Tell me what you look like, Toni. I'll bet you're beautiful."

"You're right. I'm beautiful, I'm exciting and I'm single. What do you do, Sean?"

"I'm a bartender. I-"

Toni ended the chat session.

Every night was different. There was a polo player in Argentina, an automobile salesman in j.a.pan, a department store clerk in Chicago, a television technician in New York. The Internet was a fascinating game, and Toni enjoyed it to the fullest. She could go as far as she wanted and yet know that she was safe because she was anonymous.

And then one night, in an on-line chat room, she met Jean Claude Parent.

"Bon soir. I am happy to meet you, Toni." I am happy to meet you, Toni."

"Nice to meet you, Jean Claude. Where are you?"

"In Quebec City."

"I've never been to Quebec. Would I like it?" Toni expected to see the word yes yes on the screen. on the screen.

Instead, Jean Claude typed, "I do not know. It depends on what kind of person you are."

Toni found his answer intriguing. "Really? What kind of person would I have to be to enjoy Quebec?"

"Quebec is like the early North American frontier. It is very French. Quebecois are independent. We do not like to take orders from anyone."

Toni typed in, "Neither do I."

"Then you would enjoy it. It is a beautiful city, surrounded by mountains and lovely lakes, a paradise for hunting and fishing."

Looking at the typed words appearing on her screen, Toni could almost feel Jean Claude's enthusiasm. "It sounds great. Tell me about yourself."

"Moi? There is not much to tell. I am thirty-eight years old, unmarried. I just ended a relationship, and I would like to settle down with the right woman. There is not much to tell. I am thirty-eight years old, unmarried. I just ended a relationship, and I would like to settle down with the right woman. Et vous? Et vous? Are you married?" Are you married?"

Toni typed back, "No. I'm looking for someone, too. What do you do?"

"I own a little jewelry store. I hope you will come and visit it one day."

"Is that an invitation?"

"Mais oui. Yes." Yes."

Toni typed in, "It sounds interesting." And she meant it. Maybe I'll find a way to go there, Maybe I'll find a way to go there, Toni thought. Toni thought. Maybe he's the person who can save me. Maybe he's the person who can save me.

Toni communicated with Jean Claude Parent almost every night. He had scanned in a picture of himself, and Toni found herself looking at a very attractive, intelligent-looking man.

When Jean Claude saw the photograph of Toni that she scanned in, he wrote, "You are beautiful, ma cherie. ma cherie. I knew you would be. Please come to visit me." I knew you would be. Please come to visit me."

"I will."

"Soon."

"Ta ta." Toni signed off.

On the work floor the next morning, Toni heard Shane Miller talking to Ashley Patterson and thought, What the h.e.l.l does he see in her? She's a right git. What the h.e.l.l does he see in her? She's a right git. To Toni, Ashley was a frustrated, spinsterish Miss Goody Two-shoes. To Toni, Ashley was a frustrated, spinsterish Miss Goody Two-shoes. She doesn't b.l.o.o.d.y know how to have any fun, She doesn't b.l.o.o.d.y know how to have any fun, Toni thought. Toni disapproved of everything about her. Ashley was a stick-in-the-mud who liked to stay home at night and read a book or watch the History Channel or CNN. She had no interest in sports. Toni thought. Toni disapproved of everything about her. Ashley was a stick-in-the-mud who liked to stay home at night and read a book or watch the History Channel or CNN. She had no interest in sports. Boring! Boring! She had never entered a chat room. Meeting strangers through a computer was something Ashley would never do, She had never entered a chat room. Meeting strangers through a computer was something Ashley would never do, the cold fish. She doesn't know what she's missing, the cold fish. She doesn't know what she's missing, Toni thought. Toni thought. Without the on-line chat room, I never would have met Jean Claude. Without the on-line chat room, I never would have met Jean Claude.

Toni thought about how much her mother would have hated the Internet. But then her mother had hated everything. She had only two means of communicating: screaming or whining. Toni could never please her. "Can't you ever do anything right, you stupid child?" "Can't you ever do anything right, you stupid child?" Well, her mother had yelled at her once too often. Toni thought about the terrible accident in which her mother had died. Toni could still hear her screams for help. The memory of it made Toni smile. Well, her mother had yelled at her once too often. Toni thought about the terrible accident in which her mother had died. Toni could still hear her screams for help. The memory of it made Toni smile.

"A penny for a spool of thread,A penny for a needle.That's the way the money goes,Pop! goes the weasel."

Chapter Three.

IN another place, at another time, Alette Peters could have been a successful artist. As far back as she could remember, her senses were tuned to the nuances of color. She could see colors, smell colors and hear colors. another place, at another time, Alette Peters could have been a successful artist. As far back as she could remember, her senses were tuned to the nuances of color. She could see colors, smell colors and hear colors.

Her father's voice was blue and sometimes red.

Her mother's voice was dark brown.

Her teacher's voice was yellow.

The grocer's voice was purple.

The sound of the wind in the trees was green.

The sound of running water was gray.

Alette Peters was twenty years old. She could be plain-looking, attractive or stunningly beautiful, depending on her mood or how she was feeling about herself. But she was never simply pretty. Part of her charm was that she was completely unaware of her looks. She was shy and soft-spoken, with a gentleness that was almost an anachronism.

Alette had been born in Rome, and she had a musical Italian accent. She loved everything about Rome. She had stood at the top of the Spanish Steps and looked over the city and felt that it was hers. When she gazed at the ancient temples and the giant Colosseum, she knew she belonged to that era. She had strolled in the Piazza Navona, listened to the music of the waters in the Fountain of the Four Rivers and walked the Piazza Venezia, with its wedding cake monument to Victor Emanuel II. She had spent endless hours at St. Peter's Basilica, the Vatican Museum and the Borghese Gallery, enjoying the timeless works of Raphael and Fra Bartolommeo and Andrea del Sarto and Pontormo. Their talent both transfixed her and frustrated her. She wished she had been born in the sixteenth century and had known them. They were more real to Alette than the pa.s.sers-by on the streets. She wanted desperately to be an artist.

She could hear her mother's dark brown voice: "You're wasting paper and paint. You have no talent." "You're wasting paper and paint. You have no talent."

The move to California had been unsettling at first. Alette had been concerned as to how she would adjust, but Cupertino had turned out to be a pleasant surprise. She enjoyed the privacy that the small town afforded, and she liked working for Global Computer Graphics Corporation. There were no major art galleries in Cupertino, but on weekends, Alette would drive to San Francisco to visit the galleries there.

"Why are you interested in that stuff?" Toni Prescott would ask her. "Come on to P. J. Mulligans with me and have some fun."

"Don't you care about art?"

Toni laughed. "Sure. What's his last name?"

There was only one cloud hanging over Alette Peter's life. She was manic-depressive. She suffered from anomie, a feeling of alienation from others. Her mood swings always caught her unaware, and in an instant, she could go from a blissful euphoria to a desperate misery. She had no control over her emotions.

Toni was the only one with whom Alette would discuss her problems. Toni had a solution for everything, and it was usually: "Let's go and have some fun!"

Toni's favorite subject was Ashley Patterson. She was watching Shane Miller talking to Ashley.

"Look at that tight-a.s.sed b.i.t.c.h, " Toni said contemptuously. "She's the ice queen."

Alette nodded. "She's very serious. Someone should teach her how to laugh."

Toni snorted. "Someone should teach her how to f.u.c.k."

One night a week, Alette would go to the mission for the homeless in San Francisco and help serve dinner. There was one little old woman in particular who looked forward to Alette's visits. She was in a wheelchair, and Alette would help her to a table and bring her hot food.

The woman said gratefully, "Dear, if I had a daughter, I'd want her to be exactly like you."

Alette squeezed her hand. "That's such a great compliment. Thank you." And her inner voice said, If you had a daughter, she'd look like a pig like you. If you had a daughter, she'd look like a pig like you. And Alette was horrified by her thoughts. It was as though someone else inside her was saying those words. It happened constantly. And Alette was horrified by her thoughts. It was as though someone else inside her was saying those words. It happened constantly.

She was out shopping with Betty Hardy, a woman who was a member of Alette's church. They stopped in front of a department store. Betty was admiring a dress in the window. "Isn't that beautiful?"

"Lovely," Alette said. That's the ugliest dress I've ever seen. Perfect for you. That's the ugliest dress I've ever seen. Perfect for you.

One evening, Alette had dinner with Ronald, a s.e.xton at the church. "I really enjoy being with you, Alette. Let's do this more often."

She smiled shyly. "I'd like that." And she thought, Non faccia, lo stupido. Maybe in another lifetime, creep. Non faccia, lo stupido. Maybe in another lifetime, creep. And again she was horrified. And again she was horrified. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And she had no answer. And she had no answer.

The smallest slights, whether intended or not, drove Alette into a rage. Driving to work one morning, a car cut in front of her. She gritted her teeth and thought, I'll kill you, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d. I'll kill you, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d. The man waved apologetically, and Alette smiled sweetly. But the rage was still there. The man waved apologetically, and Alette smiled sweetly. But the rage was still there.

When the black cloud descended, Alette would imagine people on the street having heart attacks or being struck by automobiles or being mugged and killed. She would play the scenes out in her mind, and they were vividly real. Moments later, she would be filled with shame.

On her good days, Alette was a completely different person. She was genuinely kind and sympathetic and enjoyed helping people. The only thing that spoiled her happiness was the knowledge that the darkness would come down on her again, and she would be lost in it.

Every Sunday morning, Alette went to church. The church had volunteer programs to feed the homeless, to teach after-school art lessons and to tutor students. Alette would lead children's Sunday school cla.s.ses and help in the nursery. She volunteered for all of the charitable activities and devoted as much time as she could to them. She particularly enjoyed giving painting cla.s.ses for the young.

One Sunday, the church had a fair for a fund-raiser, and Alette brought in some of her own paintings for the church to sell. The pastor, Frank Selvaggio, looked at them in amazement.

"These are-These are brilliant! You should be selling them at a gallery."

Alette blushed. "No, not really. I just do them for fun."

The fair was crowded. The churchgoers had brought their friends and families, and game booths as well as arts-and-crafts booths had been set up for their enjoyment. There were beautifully decorated cakes, incredible handmade quilts, homemade jams in beautiful jars, carved wooden toys. People were going from booth to booth, sampling the sweets, buying things they would have no use for the next day.

"But it's in the name of charity," Alette heard one woman explain to her husband.

Alette looked at the paintings that she had placed around the booth, most of them landscapes in bright, vivid colors that leaped from the canvas. She was filled with misgivings. "You're wasting good money on paint, child." "You're wasting good money on paint, child."

A man came up to the booth. "Hi, there. Did you paint these?"

His voice was a deep blue.

No, stupid. Michelangelo dropped by and painted them.

"You're very talented."

"Thank you." What do you know about talent? What do you know about talent?

A young couple stopped at Alette's booth. "Look at those colors! I have to have that one. You're really good."

And all afternoon people came to her booth to buy her paintings and to tell her how much talent she had. And Alette wanted to believe them, but each time the black curtain came down and she thought, They're all being cheated. They're all being cheated.

An art dealer came by. "These are really lovely. You should merchandise your talent."

"I'm just an amateur," Alette insisted. And she refused to discuss it any further.