"I was only trying to help you."

"To be like you, and that's what I'm trying to tell you, Clay. I don't want to be like you. Not anymore. I grew up, all at once."

"Fine." He stalked to the kitchen.

Holly paused in her work to write Tori's phone number down for him. She didn't want him calling Jo before she had a chance to tell her a" Jesus, to tell her she'd been right. About everything. And thank her for caring enough to risk their friendship with truth.

She carried the paper into the kitchen. "Leave a message for me with Tori. I'll let her know you might have to call."

"Tori? I thoughta"" His gaze was all over her suddenly, speculative and furious. "Is that what this is really about? Because everything you've said so far is bullshit."

She turned back to the living room and he grabbed her arm. "Don't, Clay!"

"It's about this dyke a" she's got you in a sweat and now you think you are one. That's why you quit your job. There's nothing wrong with me, you just want a""

"Stop it!" She shook her arm free. She was blushing furiously but he wasn't right, at least not about why she quit. "What I might want or not want from a lover has nothing to do with the fact that what I don't want is you!"

He thought he had her in a debate now. He surged in to take the advantage. "What will you do after her? When you no longer want to be queer?"

"And you call yourself a liberal," she snapped. He was towering over her now and she tried to hold back her panic; she had never seen him physically angry before. "Leave me alone!"

"At least I'm normal!"

She retreated, he followed. "Just leave me alone!"

"Who would have thought that that angry, bitter woman was right about something," he said insidiously. "She was actually right."

She stopped retreating. "Aunt Zinnia? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ask her yourself."

She felt the blood draining out of her face. Last night, standing in the rain, she had felt there was something she hadn't known. "Tell me," she said intensely.

He took his revenge by laughing. Then he had slammed into his study and though later she would smell incense, she hadn't had to face him again, not even when she had come back for the second carload.

So you're holed up in a cheap motel, she told herself, going over the scene with Clay as if it will change something. Not exactly a good plan a" okay, Clay was right about that. But she could not have managed another day. When dams burst, floods are inevitable.

She didn't look at the bedside table. Would not look. But she knew Galina's card was there. "Call me when you're not straight anymore," she had said.

Was she not straight anymore? What did that mean?

Dinner, she had to go out to get something to eat. She was, in fact, ravenous. Yes, dinner was a diversion she badly needed.

It was only convenience that took her to Tish's. It was close and she wanted comfort food. She needed to call Tori, she remembered, to warn her that Clay might leave a message. There was a pay phone outside the restaurant. Yes, convenience was the only reason she was there.

All the while she knew the truth a" she was still walking the spit of land between the chasms of past and future. She even knew she was tottering toward the future at last. But she could pretend that coincidence and circumstance were at work. Even knowing that true coincidence was rare, she lied to herself, for the moment.

The restaurant was mostly populated by women and the sight of them made her suddenly afraid. They would all think a" they would all assume something she wasn't. At least not yet. When will you be, she wondered. What's the rite of passage? When will you not be straight anymore?

She would get the food to go. Tish recognized her, though, and called out, "Tori, your friend's here."

Tori had on an apron and bright yellow gloves. "Heya, Holly. Liked the food, didn't you? I told you so. I'm still slaving away. It's the cold and flu season."

"You're a good dishwasher," Tish admitted fondly.

"For this I went to college?" She turned back to Holly. "I think I'm going to go the whole route and become an actuary. What do you think?"

"I think that's an excellent idea."

"Geena is behind me one hundred a"" She stopped. "What's wrong?"

"It's just tension," Holly said. She fumbled in her pocket for a tissue, even though she knew she didn't have any. It was just tension. And she was here for convenience, not for the warm shoulder Tori offered as she drew her into the kitchen and away from prying eyes.

It was a flood and her incoherent account told Tori only a little bit about why. She didn't want Tori to know the whole truth.

"This is all my fault," Tori said after a while. "You fought because you quit and you quit because of me."

"No," Holly mumbled. "I quit because it was the right thing to do. I didn't know he'd be an ass about it. I didn't expect that." She raised her head at last from Tori's shoulder. Tori smelled like oregano and disinfectant. There was something charming about the combination.

"You can stay with us." Tori's offer was heartfelt. "Until you find a place."

She shook her head. "No, but thank you. It's nice to know I have a safety net of some kind. I'm just looking for something simple and cheap until I decide what to do."

"Hey, I have a friend with an illegal mother-in-law rental. You don't tell the county and the rent is really reasonable. Great little cottage for one in the back yard. One big room downstairs, a complete kitchen, and a single room upstairs. I think it would suit you just fine."

It sounded ideal. Wary of leaping before she looked, though, Holly said, "I'd love to take a look at it."

"Her name's Flo a" you'll die when you talk to her. She's got a dreamy English accent. Gets me every time." Tori found a pen and pencil and scribbled furiously. "Here's her number. But I'm leaving here in about an hour. Why don't you have a bite to eat and I'll call her and maybe we can go see it. The previous tenant moved out this week and I don't think she's had time to clean and paint it, though."

How could she have not known that Tori was such a nice person? How could she not know whatever it was that Clay said her aunt knew? She was ignorant, for all her brains, that much was clear.

Tish served her dinner at the dark end of the bar to spare her being single in the dining room with a blotchy, tear-streaked face. She had an enormous plate of noodles, broccoli and roasted garlic tossed with olive oil and Parmesan cheese. By the end of it she felt better, not so much teetering toward her future as perhaps allowing herself to fall because it was the only way to move on.

She had agreed to a slice of a very decadent-looking chocolate cheesecake when a voice in her ear murmured, "Well, if it isn't the mouse that roared."

Two things happened at once. She said, "Leave me alone," and she felt a clenching, tight and hard, deep in her abdomen a"muscles moving she did not know she had.

Murphy leaned on the bar. In spite of the winter temperatures, she wore a sleeveless muscle shirt with her jeans, and obviously nothing under it.

Holly thought, "Save me," and hoped Tori got the message. But she hadn't told Tori about not being straight anymore.

"Now I've been told that Tori is still with Geena and you're just a friend. That you have a boyfriend."

Holly said nothing because her mouth was watering, and the sheer magnitude of her physical reaction to Murphy's long, lean body had taken her completely by surprise. She was nothing like Galina. What do I like, Holly wondered, now that I'm not straight anymore?

"But I do always wonder," Murphy went on nonchalantly, "how a straight woman can be friends with a dyke, hang out in a eatery run by a dyke, with dykes at most of the tables and, deep down, not be there because she's curious."

Murphy shifted her weight and Holly wanted to close her eyes. But Murphy would know why a" it would be to shut out the clear view she had of Murphy's taut nipples, pushing hard against the shirt, straining. Her mouth wouldn't stop watering and she had to swallow.

Murphy's voice was smooth and intimate. "I know women who have scruples about straight women. But I'm not one of them. I don't care where a woman has been or where she's going next. When I'm with a woman I've got one goal a" finding out what she likes, even if she doesn't know herself, and getting her there."

Holly's sweater hid the gooseflesh that prickled her arms and back, and she was glad she'd put on all the extra layers. What could Murphy want with her? She wasn't Tori. It had to be just for the conquest. The clenching muscles were now in her thighs, and her hips ached from the effort to keep them still.

"Get lost, Murphy."

Tori, thank God, at last.

"Can't blame a girl for trying, can you?"

"Yes, you can," Tori snapped.

Thankfully, Murphy and her nipples left Holly's peripheral vision.

"I'm sorry about her," Tori said as she slid onto the barstool next to Holly. "She's only bugging you because of me..."

Holly couldn't say anything, not yet, but she could feel Tori's gaze on her as intently as Clay's had been earlier. The blush started at the top of her head and ended in a knot of heat between her legs.

"Oh..." It was all Tori said for a while.

Tish brought the cheesecake but Holly couldn't eat it, not then. Finally, she sipped some water and felt like she could breathe.

"Everything is happening all at once, isn't it?" Tori's voice was kind.

Holly blinked back yet more tears and nodded. "Yeah. It started . . . sort of yesterday at lunch." She laughed, not happily. "What a difference a day makes."

"Wow. Most women I know, well, it always seems gradual to them. Like the truth sneaks up. That's how it was for me. For Geena."

"It feels like I've been struck by lightning."

"Stay away from Murphy," Tori said seriously. "I understand how appealing she can be a" and physically you'd have no regrets, buta""

"I know," Holly said quickly. "I know. I just, I've spent my entire adult life trying to be in control. Clay was always so quick to point out when I wasn't. And this is..." She swallowed hard. "I can't control this. Five minutes more and I'd have been wherever Murphy wanted me." She twisted her fingers around each other, unable to say that she would have been begging, pleading, aching for things she could not even name. "I feel like I'm going from one addiction to another."

"And it doesn't feel good. Oh hon, I know. Let's get the cheesecake in a box and go see Flo's place. At least take care of the shelter, food and clothing. Then you can focus on the rest."

Holly let Tori do the driving and most of the talking. She'd gone from Aunt Zinnia's domination to Clay's, and if anything was going to be better she had to take control of herself. Maybe she would be sexually satisfied with Murphy, but if she wasn't careful she would go on making the same mistakes. Maybe she'd like the fire better than the frying pan, but either way she got cooked.

Flo did have a dreamy accent. It was the first thing Holly thought and she gave Tori a glance of pure betrayal. They should have waited, how was she supposed to withstand such a thing?

If anything, Tori was fighting a smile.

All Flo said was, "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Holly kept her hands in her pockets, though she felt she was being rude. Shaking hands with Galina had led to a lot of trouble. She thought about Galina's card. Was she not straight anymore?

The cottage was built for one. A breakfast table, sofa and one chair would finish the downstairs, and upstairs there was room for a bed and perhaps a desk. The upper floor smelled strongly of the beige paint that had been recently applied.

"It's students who most want it, but I'm tired of the bother and the mates who come round at all hours. My last tenant was an older woman. She's moved to be nearer her daughter." Flo was perhaps in her mid-forties, with soft features to match her lyrical voice.

Holly was paying attention, or at least she was trying to. "I don't have a job at the moment, but I've saved up quite a lot of money. I don't even have furniture, so I could get exactly what fits. This is what I'm looking for."

They came to terms quickly and Tori gave a happy bounce. "I knew it was a good idea. I feel totally less guilty."

"You picked the last one very nicely," Flo admitted. "I should pay you a fee."

"Pay me in scones," Tori suggested brightly. "With clotted cream and strawberry jam."

"Bring Geena tomorrow for supper and we'll be quits. We'll do chips and eggs, too, just like my mum used to make home in Chester." Flo had led them inside her back door and was putting the lease papers out on the table. Not to be a complete idiot, Holly read them, found them agreeable, and signed on the dotted line.

There were footsteps overhead, then on the stairs. A woman a few years younger than Holly burst into the kitchen. "Oh, sorry, babe. I thought you were done."

"Just about. There's nothing on telly tonight. I just checked."

The younger woman dropped a careless kiss onto Flo's lips. "Then we'll have to think of something else to do."

"This is Holly," Flo said, after she had shared a contemplative smile with her lover. "She's renting the cottage."

"That's great. Nancy," she said, holding out her hand.

Holly had no choice. Nancy had a strong, warm grip. Holly had not known her arms could feel such a range of tingling sensations.

"You have anything against beige?"

Holly shook her head and took her hand back.

"Good. I'll be finished with the downstairs tomorrow."

"Will I be able to move in on Monday?"

"Yeah, though it'll still smell. Cold weather and paint, it takes forever for it to really cure out." Nancy shrugged. She had broad shoulders. "I do commercial painting by day so I can do artistic painting by night."

"Oh, so that's what you do with your nights," Tori quipped.

"Painting of one kind or another." They all laughed. Holly joined in though she was thoroughly unsettled by the idea of Nancy's sharp edges merging with Flo's soft curves.

It seemed that all she could think about was sex. Sex and Galina's card. Flo's mouth. Nancy's hands. Murphy's nipples. Tori's eyes. Galina's kisses. Was she not straight anymore?

It was easy to settle into a house so small, and a visit to a used furniture store had completed the effort. She gave herself a few days to settle in a" there could never be enough bookcases, she quickly concluded a" and tried hard not to think about anything but mathematics.

She surrounded herself with library books and rapidly realized she needed a computer. More technology a" Clay would not understand. But she could find out about degree programs and requirements for colleges everywhere more quickly on the Internet than through the mail. She could join the Academy of Mathematicians and start reading the journal online. There was so much she could do, and so easily, that when she asked herself if it all somehow robbed her of her essential humanity, the answer was no.

So she took the plunge into technology with a cute little laptop that had a built-in modem. She pored over the guide for beginners, made lots of mistakes, and came close to heaving it out the window at least four times. When she finally began navigating around the World Wide Web she wished for a printer. Technology was addictive. She bought a small color inkjet the next day and stopped to worry if she was damaging her essential humanity. She shrugged it off a" even the Amish were selling quilts online. If the Amish could square their consciences with some technology, then who was she to worry?

She found out that she could automatically synch her Palm Pilot to her laptop, sharing the addresses and appointments on both. It was so, well, cool. Clay was nuts. There was so much to learn that it was easy to not think about other things... Galina, Tori and Geena, Tori and Murphy. She saw Flo coming home from work and Nancy meeting her at the door with an eagerness that surpassed Clay's at his most passionate. As she walked the narrow driveway to the street one evening she glimpsed Flo unbuttoning Nancy's shirt while they were in the kitchen. It had been hours before she stopped seeing the image of Nancy's hungry, trembling expression behind her closed lids.

She tried not to think about Clay, because thinking about him made her think about Galina's card and then all the rest. Sometimes at night she would shiver under the sheets and ask herself what it would have hurt to go with Murphy, to learn everything about what she liked. What held her back?

It was her common sense, a quality that neither Clay nor Aunt Zinnia had ever thought she'd possessed in any sufficient quantity. Well, she did have it. She knew she needed to start off in this new life with some semblance of control. But at night she didn't feel in control and her hands brought only torment.