"Sounds like an ideal arrangement for both of you."

"And it can include you."

Stop talking, Reyna told herself. Walk away. She said, "Someday you're going to fall in love with some woman you fuck."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"And then you'll realize that you can't substitute shared goals for a shared life, a complete life, the future. You can try like hell to make it work out, but in the end you'll have two choices: make the leap to honesty or blow your brains out." She thought of Marc Ivar's tortured daughter and felt overwhelmed by her responsibility for the lies she helped perpetuate.

Irene's mouth was pinched as she regarded Reyna. "Honesty, a quality you wouldn't know much about, it seems. If you are a lesbian."

"You're right. I have my reasons." She swallowed hard. "But you're right. I'm in no position to judge you."

Irene stared at her for a long moment, then her mouth softened, but only slightly. "I seem to have miscalculated, then. I assume we have each others' discretion?"

Reyna nodded. "A lot depends on it, for me."

Irene apparently had no compunctions about judging her. "I'll bet it does." Her gaze doused Reyna with contempt.

Stung, Reyna said, "At least I wake up knowing who I am.

"At least I wake up normal." Irene shoved off from the railing and stalked back into the bar.

Fear-induced adrenaline seeped out of her, leaving her shaking. She took some deep breaths, then headed to the bar for water, club soda, anything. She felt too off-balance to get back on the bike just yet.

The music had toned down, along with the lights. Melissa Etheridge crooned how much she wanted to be in love while bodies pressed and twined, parted and merged in what at times seemed an utterly random pattern of dance. Kisses were shared, shoulders bared, teeth flashed. She reached the bar in time to push back the faintness and close her eyes.

She felt as cold as a statue, and empty of all feeling. A glass of water was all she wanted before she left, because she wasn't entitled, hadn't earned, didn't deserve anything more.

"I think I'm going to go," Holly shouted in Jo's ear. Geena and Tori had left more than a half an hour earlier.

"You haven't given anyone a real chance. Just ask someone to dance. Anyone at all."

"There isn't anyone I want to ask. I don't know how to do the rest."

"It's easy," Jo scoffed. "You say, 'I'm Holly, let's dance and then go to bed together.' "

"Maybe that works for you."

"Not anymore it doesn't." Sandi wagged her finger in Jo's face. "You've used that line for the last time."

"It worked on you."

"You mean it worked on you."

They bickered companionably and Holly glanced at her watch. Maybe if she hadn't waited so long a" it just seemed like everyone was paired off for the night.

"What about her?" Jo nudged Holly toward the end of the bar. "She's hot. Ask her."

She followed Jo's gaze, then shook her head. Her vision swam for a moment, and the music seemed to choke her ears. She was panting, all of a sudden, and felt a ripple of heat across her arms and back.

Jo gave her a push a" she couldn't know.

One step closer, then two. Look up, Holly thought. It's me, look up. You're nobody to her, she told herself, but she couldn't stop her silent plea: Look up. It's me.

The other woman's head came up, then abruptly swiveled in Holly's direction with recognition.

Jo and Sandi passed her on the way to the dance floor. "You have her attention, now," Jo said. "Go get her!"

Another step. She stopped, not at all sure she had an invitation to approach. The other woman's eyes a" amazing, melting eyes a" seemed to be pleading with her to keep her distance, but then one hand raised and turned palm up. Her fingers curled in resignation or invitation. Holly couldn't be sure.

Holly touched the curling fingertips with her own. The jolt shuddered every nerve. It was a new sensation; she had not known skin could hunger.

A tug on her hand, then a moment when they stood toe to toe. It ended with hands on her waist, something whispered that might have been a prayer.

Then, the kiss.

Reyna breathed in the scent of her hair as their lips met, then was lost in the soft, moist heat of the other woman's mouth. She was welcome there, needed, and a moan grew between them, shared, mutual.

Holly knew she could blame it on the music, blame it on the night. Blame it on her body, on her mouth, which had never wanted like this before. She had no choice, but to be here was a choice. Mutually exclusive propositions leading to a resolution. She heard the other woman's low moan, felt hands in her hair. Their mouths parted, then merged again.

Was this a tidal wave? Reyna filled her hands with silken hair, cupped the other woman's face and drank from her mouth an urgent tenderness that left her aching for air and more kisses. She tried to revert to who she needed to be. Sexy, but aloof. Sexual, but not friendly. It was just for the renewal, just to vanquish the black hole. She did not want to know this woman's name, did not need to understand her dreams and hopes, could not want to hear her voice speaking of things she loved. She did not want to hear her name in this woman's sighs.

She could not have these things, so she must not want them. She was here for the sex, something honest and clean, freely given.

She traced those soft, welcoming lips with her forefinger, and when it was kissed, she offered more fingers, then could not bear another moment with her mouth bereft of such sweetness. These kisses were harder as arms coiled around shoulders and hips.

Her lungs clamored for air a" she had forgotten to breathe. She gasped to fill her lungs while her mouth begged to return, to taste again.

The other woman said something, but it was lost in the music. Reyna put her ear next to those soft lips. "I've never done this before," she heard.

Reyna answered with the truth. That it was the truth surprised her. "Neither have I."

Part 3.

Glass.

Now we see through a glass, darkly.

- I Corinthians (13:12).

11.

Holly had a vision of that defining moment when she had launched herself across Clay's office, hoping to find her heart's fulfillment. She had not felt like this, but surely this was no less impulsive, and no less likely to end in disaster. Her mind tried to make her pull away, to find restraint, but her body was saying yes, yes to hands on her breasts, her face, her hips.

Her heart wanted a place in this moment, longed to build on it. Her body pushed her heart out of the equation a" she had to explore this mystery, to solve this puzzle, to find new constants for her life. And her body went on saying yes until her mouth said yes, she wanted to go someplace to be alone. She remembered at the last minute to wave good-bye to Jo. She didn't know if Jo saw her and then couldn't think about it anymore.

Yes, she said, yes. Finally, she asked for a name. Reyna sounded like an ancient queen or a Greek goddess. She held the name inside her mouth and knew she would need it, that she would finally know the passion that would force the name out of her along with sounds she had never made before, moans and pleas she could not even anticipate.

"I've never done this before," she said again. Reyna didn't seem to understand what she meant. First she said she hadn't either, then she said she had. Did she mean kissing a stranger or taking a stranger to bed? Holly realized then that Reyna couldn't have understood that she had never done any of this before. She had certainly not ground herself so urgently against someone as to set off a car alarm.

She ran from the noise and for a moment wanted to go on running. She was frightened, not of Reyna, but of the next few hours. She didn't know what to do, didn't even know what she wanted.

What she knew was that she no longer walked a spit of land between past and future. She was in her future, at last. An inferno blazed all around her like a ritual of fire she had to pass through to find her way. Caught by the heat, she could not see what lay on the other side a" a mountaintop, or an abyss.

Reyna kissed her again and nothing else mattered but the yes of her body answering the demands of Reyna's mouth.

Reyna was lost in Holly's mouth, which seemed to crave gasps and tongue and feverish lips. It was hard to find the will to end the kiss, but they needed to get out of the parking lot. Holly stumbled on the concrete, but Reyna caught her, setting off another chain reaction of desire.

Holly stopped walking when she must have realized they were heading for the Virago. "I'vea" I've never done this before," she said again.

Holly's gaze shot up to her face, but Reyna wasn't teasing when she said, "You just hold on. You've already proven you're good at that."

Her voice heavy with meaning and promise, Holly said, "Show me what to do."

Reyna swallowed hard and tried to gesture nonchalantly at the bike. "Just throw one leg across and I'll squeeze in front of you."

Holly used Reyna's arm for balance as she settled astride the bike. "Is this okay?"

Reyna had thought she was the one in control, but the illusion crumbled when she looked down into Holly's upturned face. She was kissing her again, her hand running down Holly's throat, down her arm, her stomach, to the place now so exposed. Holly groaned and tried to stand. Her whole body was shaking and Reyna could barely hold her. This was what they both wanted.

Holly was whimpering, groaning, and Reyna abruptly realized that Holly was on the verge of climaxing while straddling the bike, and that was not what she wanted to happen. Not surrounded by traffic fumes and the stale odor of cooking oil. She didn't want it to be like this. She could not stop herself from wanting more.

Somehow she took her hand away, somehow she once more broke away from Holly's mouth, which was teaching her how to kiss all over again.

Holly was gasping for breath and her arms were shivering. "I've never done this before," she said, and this time it was a plea, not an explanation.

"I want to be alone with you." Reyna couldn't hold back the words anymore. "Alone, together, for the rest of the night." She made Holly put on the helmet and the jacket, though it was a journey of a few blocks. She settled on the bike, vividly aware of Holly's thighs enclosing her hips. She triggered the ignition and Holly's arms wound firmly around her waist. Just before she slipped into gear, Holly's hands moved farther up, and she cupped Reyna's breasts with an earthy moan plainly audible over the purr of the motor.

Reyna shuddered, wished she were naked, wanted Holly's hands all over her. "I can't steer if you don't stop."

Reyna didn't know if it was her heart or Holly's hammering against her ribs, but it subsided when Holly finally lowered her hands and clasped them together around Reyna's waist.

Reyna lost no time getting them to the anonymous motel a few blocks away. Holly leaned with her on the corners as if they were molded together, breast to back. She could imagine riding this way all night. They could be in Mexico before daybreak, and they could keep on running. They could wake up with the sound of the ocean in their ears, and bask in each other and sunshine.

The import of the fantasy finally sank in and she shook herself out of it. Holly was like the others, just a few hours of freedom, a few hours of pleasure. It was bad enough she had told Holly her name. There was no tomorrow for them. Just tonight, which was already slipping into the past.

She turned into the motel parking lot and left Holly on the bike just around the corner from the office, out of the sight of any prying eyes. She didn't know if the clerk remembered her. She paid cash and registered as R. Langston. It was just a minor informational fraud, just the name on her birth certificate.

Holly was standing next to the bike with the helmet in her hands. Reyna took it from her, then took her by the hand, leading her to their room. Holly was still shivering.

She unlocked the door and said, "Wait right there."

Motel rooms were too dark for the kind of intimacy she liked. She turned on the bathroom light and closed the door almost all the way. There was enough light to take in Holly's pale, strained face at the door.

"You can come all the way in," she said gently. "Don't be afraid of me."

Holly's voice quavered. "I've never... I don't know what to do."

"Just stand there," Reyna whispered. She pushed Holly firmly against the closed door. "For as long as you can."

Sweet mouth, and demanding. Holly's hands seemed like fire on Reyna's face, then Holly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, on tiptoe, offering her breasts to Reyna's hands.

She was softness and mystery, and her skin burned Reyna's fingertips.

After the kiss Reyna whispered, "There's no hurry."

"I can't a" I'm ..." She crushed Reyna's hand to her breast. "Kiss me."

She realized then how hard Holly's hips were churning, and the reason for her panting, rapid breath. She ached toward orgasm as well, but Holly was far ahead of her. Holly had admitted to being a novice at anonymous encounters and so Reyna listened to her own experience. "I was going to go slow toward the first one, baby, but I don't think you can wait." Her hands went to Holly's zipper.

Holly whispered, "Reyna, please."

Her name as a prayer a" it had been so long. She finally managed to get Holly's pants open, then slipped her fingertips down while Holly groaned out her name again, then her hips were slamming back against the door.

"Is it okay?" She was crying. "I can't stop a" please!"

"Hold on to me, you're okay. Make it what you need, and hold on to me."

The heat and wetness that surrounded her fingers was a searing pleasure for her as well, but nothing compared to what Holly was obviously experiencing. Reyna held her, helped her, stroked urgently, then stopped when Holly was too rigid for more. Her hand cupped beauty and she could never stop wanting it. Holly's mouth parted with a final cry and Reyna heard her name again, like a prayer.

"I'm sorry," Holly said. Her head swam while her ears felt as if they were on fire. She had not known she had such muscles, nor what they could do, contracting over and over as if to take the pleasure and let it spill outward through the rest of her body.

"About what? I was more than happy to do that for you. It's only the beginning."

Her body said yes even as Reyna took her hand away. She shuddered as Reyna unbuttoned her blouse. "It's just a" I've never done this before," she said again, willing Reyna to understand. She lowered her gaze to Reyna's hand as it swept over the tops of her breasts.

Reyna's hand stilled. Holly could feel the wet fingertips on her hungry skin. For a long minute Reyna didn't say anything. Then her hand slipped under Holly's bra strap, baring her shoulder. "You mean with a woman you just met?"

Holly shook her head and Reyna stilled again. "I mean with a woman."

Reyna's hand trembled. "You mean you've never done this before."

Holly felt a tickle of laughter. "That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"Dear God." Her mouth grazed Holly's shoulder, then she drew back. In the dim light she stared into Holly's eyes as if searching for Holly's past.