"Hi, this is Brady Gilbert. I missed your call, but you missed a scintillating moment with me. If you'd like to try to recapture that moment . . . leave a message, and I'll call you back." Beep.

"Hello, Mr. Gilbert, this is Georgette from Howard Schultz's office. Mr. Schultz would like to speak with you. Please give us a call back as soon as possible at-"

About the Author.

It's five o'clock in the afternoon.

I bring this up mainly because this is about as late in the day that I can still safely drink coffee without wrecking my sleep.

People often say that writing is ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration. This is nonsense, of course. It's pretty much one hundred percent caffeine.

I think the record pretty much speaks for itself. I was born in Hollywood to talented parents-the beloved TV and film star Tina Louise and talk-show pioneer Les Crane, grew up surrounded by tons of creative people, graduated from NYU Film School . . . and yet my professional writing career didn't really get moving until I was over twenty years old, when I upped my coffee consumption. That's when everything changed.

I got a job writing for MTV. From an early age, I reveled in the raucous and spent a good portion of my youth developing tinnitus at countless rock concerts, so it was a pretty good fit. Emboldened by my success, I ramped up to espresso consumption and-voila-I started writing for the biggest shows on the network. Call it coincidence if you want.

I also dabble. I've dabbled in things like the music business and jewelry design. If you come over to my apartment (and you're invited, but please call ahead) you'll be able to confirm my love of music via the meticulously catalogued three million CDs that I've accumulated. If I live to be 140, I MIGHT be able to listen to them all. But don't get any funny ideas about walking out with one of them because my pad is vigilantly guarded by my two faithful pups. All eleven pounds of them.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Dogs, millions of CDs, a somewhat slavish devotion to a treadmill, which I swear is plotting against me while I sleep.

And writing. Screenplays. Stories. And the very book you're holding.

I hope you enjoy it. Have a cup of coffee while you read. After all, it's always five o'clock somewhere in the world.

Keep in touch at: www.capricecrane.com

5 Spot Send Off.

Top Five Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date.

1. G.E.D..

2. Custody Battle.

3. Rehab.

4. Star Wars Sheets.

5. Valtrex.

end.