thirty-two.

Tameka

A week before Thanksgiving...

My greatest fear: walking through the halls of my high school for the first time with my stomach the size of a watermelon. The first week had been worse than I imagined. And even though it had been months since school first started, people still stood with their lockers opened as I passed, staring, some of them whispering. I was a spectacle and it hurt. It hurt worse than the time I fell on the playground and ripped a huge hole in the knee of my white tights. I had to walk around like that for the remainder of the day with a bloody knee. And it was worse than that time I had the hickey on my forehead from running into a tree, or the time I got my period right in the middle of World History and messed up my lime-green capris. This had to be far worse than anything I'd ever been through.

There were other pregnant girls at my school-Tasha Hunter was pregnant, Rita Young and Missy Collier. It was nothing new to see girls my age waddling through the halls, but everyone seemed to zero in on me; as if I was the only one on the face of the earth who'd made a mistake. I kept my eyes straight; tried not to look at anyone as I made the way to my locker. I put in the combination-22 left, 10 right, 25 left. Tried opening it, nothing. I put the combination in again-22 left, 10 right, 25 left. Nothing. All I wanted to do was grab my books and rush to my class.

"Sometimes you have to jiggle the lock a little bit," Rita Young said as she approached. Her stomach looked as if it might pop at any minute. She jiggled the lock and opened my locker. "See?"

"Thanks," I said. "It sticks sometimes."

"I didn't know you were pregnant, too. How many months are you?"

"Nine," I said. "I'm due the day after Thanksgiving but I'm praying that it's sooner."

"I'm due on Friday." Rita giggled and rubbed her belly. "But it can be any day now."

"Thanks for helping me with my locker." I smiled.

"No problem," she said. "And don't let the folks around here intimidate you. You made a mistake. So what? At least you're still here trying to get your education. Just ignore the stares and the whispers. They don't know what it's like."

"I'll try."

"Who's your baby's father?"

"Vance Armstrong."

"Oh, I remember him. He played ball," she said. "Didn't he graduate last year?"

"Yep, went away to college," I said, "and we broke up over the summer."

"At least he's still alive, though. Not like my baby's daddy who was murdered. He was involved in a gang and some fools shot him. Just shot him in cold blood and left him for dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"My baby is all I have left of him. And since my parents kicked me out when they found out I was pregnant, I been trying to do this on my own."

"Who's gonna help you raise the baby?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Just me."

The more I talked to Rita, the smaller my problems became. I had parents who loved me, and Vance's parents had promised to help with the baby's expenses. Although Vance and I had broken up, he promised that he would still be there for the baby. At least I had support. Rita didn't have anything. I watched as she waddled down the hall and went into her classroom. I grabbed my books and slammed my locker shut and went to my first class.

"Where have you been all day?" Indigo and the girls found me right before lunch. "I've been looking for you all day!"

"Keeping a low profile," I told her.

"A low profile?" Tymia chimed in.

"Whatever!" Asia said. "You can't hide from us, girlfriend. Not with a stomach like that!"

"Now that we found this hoochie, can we go eat lunch, please?" said Jade. "I am starving."

"I'm not going to lunch," I announced.

"What?" they all said in unison.

"I'm not going to lunch," I repeated. "Not hungry."

"Are you crazy?" Indigo asked and placed her hand on my belly. "You have to feed this child."

"And besides, lunch is our time to hang out."

"I don't wanna hang out."

"Tameka, look...you're not the only pregnant girl at this school. Nobody cares," Indigo stated. She had no idea how hard it was just to walk down the hall. With her skinny little body, she didn't know what it was like to be in my state.

"You don't see the looks that I get from people...the whispers and the stares."

"Screw them!" Jade said, and then glared at two girls who were walking past, staring. "Who are they to judge you?"

"She's right, Tameka," Asia said. "Everybody makes mistakes."

"Any girl that's having sex can end up pregnant. Condoms aren't a hundred percent effective and neither are birth control pills," Indigo said. "Now come on. I know this food ain't Burger King or nothing, but at least it'll hit the spot."

Indigo grabbed my arm and led me to the cafeteria. The days were becoming harder to bear and I wondered what the days that followed would be like.

With toilet paper in between my toes and a fruit smoothie in my hand, I reclined on my bed while Indigo painted my toenails hot pink. I had just painted hers lime green, while Tymia painted Asia's tangerine and Jade painted Alyssa's bright red.

In just a short time I had managed to stop thinking about Vance every minute of the day. I was at a place where I only thought of him every now and then. And even those times didn't last very long. He'd called a few times, just to see how I was doing and to make sure that his parents were still sending money for the baby. And they were. His mother had already purchased a crib, a car seat and several boxes of diapers. She'd brought over undershirts, onesies and lots of little pink and purple socks.

Becoming a mom was becoming more and more real each day. It was becoming a little scary because it was something very new and different for me. I'd never been anybody's mama before and the thought of it had me nervous. When I thought about all the stuff Mommy had done for me and how she and Daddy raised me, I wondered if I could do the same for my baby. It was even scarier to think about having to do it all alone. I knew I'd be okay, though. At least I had my parents and my friends.

"Okay, chica, I'm done with your pink toes." Indigo closed the bottle of fingernail polish. "Now you can do my fingernails."

Indigo rested the palm of her hand on my knee while I painted her fingernails lime green to match her toes.

"So what's up with you and Marcus? You gon' stop being stubborn and grant that boy some forgiveness?"

She shrugged.

"She know she's in love with Marcus Carter," Jade said. "I don't know why she's playing all hard. He gave her that silver chain that she's been sporting around her neck since he came back from Harvard. She wouldn't be wearing it if she didn't still love the boy."

"Nobody said I didn't love still love him," Indigo defended herself. "I'm just mad at him right now."

"He obviously didn't care anything about that girl in Boston, or he wouldn't be running around here moping and begging for your forgiveness," Tymia offered.

"Marcus is still a good dude," I had to say. "He just messed up."

"Yeah," Asia added. "Wasn't it your idea two summers ago to have that stupid pact...break up for the summer just in case you bumped into someone else?"

"Yeah, but there was no pact in place when Marcus went away this past summer. He just took it upon himself to hook up with somebody else," she said. "And I'll forgive him when I'm good and ready."

"Okay, good and ready. You wait too long and somebody else is going to scoop that fine brother up," Jade said.

When Indigo's ringtone filled the air, everybody looked her way as she stared at the screen. We all knew who it was as she pressed the button and mumbled, "I'm on my way out," and then hung up.

"Who was that?" I smiled.

"Nobody!" She pulled her nails away, started blowing them dry. "I'll be right back."

"Where you going?" Jade asked.

"Marcus is out front." She grinned. "I'm just gonna go and say hi."

We all burst out in laughter as Indigo opened my bedroom door, rushed down the stairs and out front to meet Marcus. She wasn't fooling any of us. She still loved him and, in her heart, she had already forgiven him. Marcus was a great guy despite his mistake and Indigo knew it. Indigo and Marcus was one of those couples that you wanted to see together forever and ever. It wouldn't be right for them to break up because they belonged together.

As I sat in the middle of my bed, I rubbed my stomach. I knew that I had a long road ahead of me. But I had already made up in my mind that I was going to be brave. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I would be a champion. When I walked the halls of Carver High, I would ignore all the stares and whispers that were sure to come. It was only important that I finished high school and gave birth to a healthy baby. Nothing else mattered but those two things. Everything else would take a backseat.

When Lil Wayne's voice rushed through the speakers, I stood up and started moving my hips to the music. All my girls did the same and before long we were singing along, too. My life was changing. My body was different. My world had already turned upside down and then right side up again. And I was sure that it would continue to be topsy-turvy for just a little while longer. I was different, more mature than I had ever been at. And I wasn't done growing-both mentally and physically. But in spite of everything that had gone on, I knew that there was nothing I couldn't handle.

As the music filled my room, I looked around as my friends got lost in the music. I knew that they had my back for the long haul. And I would definitely need them. My road was unpaved and sure to be bumpy. As they all danced to the music, I decided to just watch them. Placing my palm on my stomach, I smiled. Let the music take me away. There was something about Lil Wayne's voice that could set a party off right.

thirty-three.

Marcus Senior year had finally arrived, and my days had been spent tying up loose ends and preparing for graduation-taking SATs and senior photos and ordering my cap and gown for graduation. Because I had enough credits, I was able to graduate early. I would attend my senior prom and graduate with the rest of my class, but I wouldn't have to attend classes anymore after December. Instead, I would spend second semester working as an intern at a law firm in downtown Atlanta. I was excited about that.

I looked forward to senior prom. Of course, I would probably take Indigo-that is, if we were still together. She was acting all hard, as if she was still mad about Daria. But I was pretty sure she might forgive me soon, especially since Christmas was just around the corner. Girls loved Christmas gifts and Indigo was no different. But before we could think about senior prom, or even Christmas for that matter, we had to make it through Thanksgiving.

My family had been invited to Indigo's house for Thanksgiving. Her grandmother, Nana Summer, was coming in town for the holidays, which was a special treat for everyone who knew her. I loved Nana Summer, loved her like she was my own grandmother, and couldn't wait to see her. We had a lot to catch up on. I would tell her all about my summer visit to Harvard and how I messed up with Indi. She would know just what I should do and how to handle her stubborn granddaughter. Nana Summer would be my saving grace.

As I strolled through the halls and to my locker, I grinned. It wouldn't be long before this place was history. Although I would miss my friends, some of my teachers and all of my coaches, I knew that I was headed for a bright future. And I was ready for the world. I reached into my locker, grabbed my Algebra book and then slammed my locker shut. I stood for a moment, watching as Indigo passed by with her girls. She looked my way, and then stopped and came over.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Why you just standing here then?"

"Just watching you," I said. "Can I walk you to class?"

She shrugged. "I guess."

Indigo led the way to her American History class, which was only a short distance down the hall.

"So why you still acting funny? You gonna act like this for the entire school year? You know I'll be graduating soon and you won't get to see me at school every day."

"I'm not acting funny, Marcus."

"Oh really? Is that why we're not sharing lockers this year and you don't wait for me after dance practice anymore? You don't even wait for me in between classes, either."

"You're tripping."

"Indi, I got a lot of stuff on my head right now. With school and graduation and stuff, I don't have a lot of time to play around. If you can't get past this thing with Daria, then maybe you should just..."

"Just what, Marcus? Break up with you? Is that what you want?"

"No, that's not what I want. But I really need you to have my back right now. I need you to either be my girl-or not. I can't handle the in-between stuff." I had to be straight up with her, even if I risked losing her.

"I gotta go, Marcus. The bell is about to ring, and I can't be late for class. I'll get a detention," she said, leaving my questions unanswered. "I'll see you after practice today. I'll wait for you."

"Cool," I mumbled and then jogged to my class.

Indigo needed to make up her mind-and fast.

After practice I waited around for Indigo to show up as she'd promised. With the strap of my gym bag on my shoulder, I stood with my back against the wall. Indigo's girls passed by-Jade, Tymia and Asia.

"What's up, Marcus?" Jade asked.

"You waitin' for Indi?" asked Asia.

"Yeah, where is she?"