'Swap Shop.'

The b.l.o.o.d.y hate Swap Shop,' he says.

'Yeah, me too.' I sniff sardonically, though secretly I like it. We sit in silence for a moment or two, then he says, The accidentally called your mum Mrs Jackson. D'you think she minds?'

'Nah. She's alright,' I say.

And apart from that, he doesn't mention Dad dying at all, or ask about the funeral or 'how I'm feeling', thank G.o.d, because that ivouldjust be embarra.s.sing - we are twelve-year-old boys after all. Instead, he sits and drinks flat cola and watches telly 315.

with me. He tells me what bands are c.r.a.p and what bands are good, and I believe him, and agree with everything he says. It feels like a film star's come to visit, or someone better than a film star, someone like Han Solo. And it feels like an act of absolute kindness.

Spencer's left leg is broken in three places, his right in two. His collar bone has snapped, which is particularly painful because it's impossible to set a collar bone in plaster, so he can't really move the top half of his body. His arms seem to be okay, though there are some cuts on the palms of his hand and his forearm from broken gla.s.s. Thankfully there's no damage to the spine or skull, but six of his ribs are fractured where they impacted against the steering wheel. This makes breathing painful and unaided sleep almost impossible, so he's on quite a lot of medication. His nose is broken, red and swollen, and the brow over his right eye is badly split, and contains six thick black st.i.tches. The eye itself is deep black and purple and swollen, and remains half-closed. The top of his head meanwhile is peppered with dark red scabs from the shattered windscreen, clearly visible beneath the still-short hair, and there's more st.i.tches in his left ear where the lobe was partially torn off by the broken gla.s.s.

'But apart from that?'

'Apart from that I'm actually feeling really good,' says Spencer, and we both laugh for a while, before sinking back into silence.

'You think / look rough! You should see the tree!' he says, not for the first time I suspect, and we laugh again, Spencer sn.i.g.g.e.ring and wincing at the same time, because of the pain from his ribs and collar bone. He's on pills, of course. He's not sure what they are exactly, but it's definitely something a bit stronger than aspirin, some kind of opiate he thinks. And it seems to be doing the trick, because there's an uncharacteristic mirthless smile lurking around the corner 316.

of his mouth. Nothing disturbing, not like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, just a strange sort of vaguely inappropriate amus.e.m.e.nt. His speech, usually so sharp and direct, is groggy and distant, as if a hand were pressed over his mouth.

'Still, the good news is they've postponed my court case about the dole-fiddling thing . . .'

That's good.'

'Yeah, almost makes this all worthwhile. Haven't got any f.a.gs have you?'

'Spencer - I don't smoke.'

I'm gasping for a f.a.g. And a pint.'

'It's a hospital, Spencer . . .'

'I know, but still . . .'

'What's the food like?' I ask.

'Not particularly tasty.'

'And the nurses?'

'Not particularly tasty.'

I smile, and make a noise to show that I'm smiling, because I'm out of his eye-line, and he doesn't seem to be able to move his head too well. 'And what about all this . . . ?' I indicate the plaster-cast on his legs, his bandaged hands . . . 'are there going to be any, you know, legal . . . repercussions?'

'Don't know yet. Probably.'

'b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, Spencer . . .'

'All right Bri, don't start . . .'

'. . . well, you must have known that something . . .'

'You haven't come all this way to tell me off, have you Bri?'

'No, of course not, but you have to admit . . .'

'. . . yeah, I know - don't smoke, don't fight, don't fiddle your dole, don't drink and drive, wear a seat-belt, work hard, go to night-school, get your qualifications, go on a scheme - you're like a f.u.c.king walking-public-information-film sometimes, Brian . . .'

317.

'. . . sorry, 1 . . .'

'. . . we don't all do the sensible thing all the time, Brian . . .'

'. . . no, I know . . .'

'. . . we can't all be like you . . .'

'. . . hey, I don't always do the sensible . . . I'

'. . . you know what I mean, though, don't you?'

--and he doesn't shout any of the above, because he can't shout, he just sort of hisses it between his teeth, before lapsing into silence again. There's something I know I have to say, and haven't quite found the words yet, but I'm about to open my mouth to try when he says, 'Pour us some water, will you?' I pour him a plastic cupful, hand it over, and as he strains to sit up straight, I can smell his breath which is hot and metallic.

'Anyway . . .'he sighs, letting his head fall back on the pillow '. . . how's Alice?'

'Oh, alright. I stayed over the other night, so . . .'

'You're joking - really?' he says, smiling sincerely, turning his head on the pillow to look at me. 'So you're actually going out with her, then?'

'Well, we're taking it slowly,' I say, a little bashfully. 'Really, really slowly actually, but yeah, it's good.'

'Brian Jackson, you dark horse . . .'

'Yeah, well, we'll see.' I sense that this is the time to do the proper, adult thing, so I take a deep breath. 'Alice said you put a word in for me. At that party.'

'Did she?' he says, without looking at me.

'I was a bit of a w.a.n.ker to you, wasn't I?'

'No, you weren't . . .'

'I was, Spence, I was a complete w.a.n.ker . . .'

'Bri, you're fine . . .'

'I don't set out to be a w.a.n.ker, you know, it just sort of happens . . .'

'. . . let's just forget it, yeah?'

'No, but still . . .'

318.

'All right, if it makes you happier, Bii, then yes, you were a complete w.a.n.ker. Now can we forget about it?'

'But how are you feeling, though . . . ?'

'What about . . . ?'

'. . . about, you know, things?'

'In general, you mean? Don't know. To be honest, I'm just really tired. Tired and a little bit scared, Bri.' He says this very quietly, and I have to lean forward in my chair to hear him, and notice that his eyes are red and wet. He senses me looking at him, and puts both hands vertically over his face, pressing his eyes hard with his fingertips, exhaling slowly and deeply, and I feel twelve years old again, sad, embarra.s.sed, with no idea what to do now - some sort of act of kindness I suppose, but what? Maybe put my arm around him? But I feel awkward about getting up out of my chair, anxious about the other people in the ward seeing, so I stay where I am.

'It's meant to be scary though, isn't it?' I say. 'You know, life, this bit of it. That's what people say . . .'

'Yeah. S'pose so . . .'

'It gets better . . .'

'Does it?' he says, his eyes still covered. "Cause it seems like I've just f.u.c.ked everything up, Bri . . .'

'Rubbish! You're fine, mate, you're going to be absolutely fine,' and I reach across, and put my hand on his shoulder, and squeeze it. The gesture feels clumsy and self-conscious, leaning forward in my chair with my arm outstretched, but I stay like that for as long as I can, until his shoulders stop shaking. Eventually he takes the hands away from his eyes.

'Sorry - it's these painkillers,' he says, wiping his eyes with his cuffs.

Shortly afterwards, we run out of things to say, and even though I've got plenty of time, I stand up and grab my coat.

'Hey, I better run, or I'll miss my last connection.'

'Thanks for coming, mate . . .'

'Pleasure, mate . . .'

319.

'Well, not a pleasure . . .'

'Well, no, but, you know . . .'

'Hey, aren't you going to sign my plaster-cast first?'

'Yeah, yeah, of course,' and I go to the end of the bed, grab a biro from one of the clipboards and find a blank s.p.a.ce to write. There are a lot of 'best wishes' and names I don't recognise, and a 'serves you right, you t.w.a.t' and The Zep Rule!' from Tone. I think for a moment, and write, 'Dear Spence. Apologies and Thanks. Break a leg! Ha-Ha! Loads of love, your mate Bri.'

'What have you written then?'

'Oh - Break a leg . . .'

'"Break a leg"! ...'

'You know - good luck. It's a theatrical term . . .'

And Spencer looks at the ceiling, laughs through his teeth and says slowly, 'You know Brian, you really can be the most unbelievable p.r.i.c.k sometimes.'

'Yeah, Spence, I know mate. I know.'

32O.

37.

QUESTION: Which third century Christian martyr, either identified as a Roman priest and physician who died during the persecution of Christians by the emperor Claudius II Gothicus, or as the Bishop of Terni, also martyred in Rome, has, since the fourteenth century, had a feast day in his name allocated specifically as a festival for lovers?

ANSWER: St Valentine.

Whenever I hear Edith Piaf sing 'Non, je ne regrette rieri1 which is more often than I'd like, now that I'm at university - I can't help thinking 'what the h.e.l.l is she talking about?' I regret pretty much everything. I'm aware that the transition into adulthood is a difficult and sometimes painful one. I'm familiar with the conventions of the rites of pa.s.sage, I know what the literary term bildungsroman means, I realise that it's inevitable that I'll look back at things that happened in my youth and give a wry, knowing smile. But surely there's no reason why I should be embarra.s.sed and ashamed about things that happened thirty seconds ago? No reason why life just should be this endless rolling panorama of bodged friendships, fumbled opportunities, fatuous conversations, wasted days, idiotic remarks and ill-judged, unfunny jokes that just lie on the floor in front of me, flipping about like dying fish?

Well, not any more. I've decided that enough is enough. On the train home, contemplating the latest round of incredible f.u.c.k-ups, I resolve that I'm going to have to change my life.

321.

Generally speaking, I resolve to change my life on average maybe thirty to forty times a week, usually at about two a.m., drunk, or early the next morning, hungover, but this one is a big one, I'm going to live life well from now on. Being Cool and Aloof clearly isn't working for me, and probably never will, so instead I'm going to concentrate on living a life based on the central tenets of Wisdom, Kindness and Courage.

When the train finally pulls into the station, I make a start on my wiser, kinder, braver life. I find a call-box on the platform, check that I have enough change, and dial the number. Des answers; now it's out in the open, I suppose there's no reason why he shouldn't.

'h.e.l.lo?' he says.

'Hi! Des, it's Brian here!' I say, bright as a b.u.t.ton, then realise that I've unconsciously called him Des, not Uncle Des, though whether this is a symptom of my more mature att.i.tude to life, or a Freudian response to the fact that he's having s.e.x with my mother, I'm not entirely sure.

'Oh. h.e.l.lo there,' he says, bizarrely sounding scared of me, though G.o.d knows why, since Des weighs about fourteen stone, and besides it's not as if I can punch him down the phone line. There's a pause as he re-adjusts the receiver. 'Sorry about, you know, flashing my fella at you this morning. Obviously we were going to tell you, about me and your mum . . .'

'Des, really, it's fine, completely fine,' I a.s.sure him, and catch sight of my reflection in the call-box gla.s.s, grinning like a circus clown. 'Is Mum there?' I ask, which is a pretty stupid question really, considering it's her house.

"Course. I'll pa.s.s you over,' and I hear a rustle as he puts his hand over the receiver, mumbles something, and then Mum picks up.

'h.e.l.lo?' she says warily, the receiver not quite near her mouth.

'Hi, Mum.'

333.

'h.e.l.lo, Brian. Did you get back home alright?' she asks, over-enunciating slightly, which means she's drunk.

'Uh-huh,' I say, and there's a silence, and I have a fleeting desire to hang up. But then I remember my new watchwords, Wisdom, Kindness, Courage, so I swallow hard and start speaking.

'Look, hi, I just wanted to say . . .' what do I want to say?. . . 'I just wanted to say I've thought about it and I'm really, really pleased about you and Des, and I think it's fine that you're getting married, really I do. In fact I think it's a great idea, and he's a really nice bloke, and I'm sorry if ... well, it was a shock that's all . . .'

'Oh, Brian . . .'