Chapter Nineteen.

Fern wanted to run inside and lock herself in her room, but she made herself sit still. She had to see Madison. She had to tell him she didn't love him. Even before he climbed the steps, she asked, ''Why didn't you bring your friends?" She wanted to control the conversation. She sat in a chair a little way from the others. She didn't want him to get too close. She wasn't sure she could stick to her resolution if he did.

"They were tired."

"Rose and George want to meet them." She pointed to the light coming from inside the house. "They're still up."

"There'll be plenty of time later. Freddy came on business. h.e.l.l be here for several days."

He came toward her, and she felt the panic sweep over her. "Sit down," she said, pointing to the other chair. Madison remained on his feet. "Why did his sister come?"

"To keep him company. Their parents died last year, and they don't have any family but each other."

"They have you."

"I'm just a friend."

"You're more than just a friend."

"Maybe, but that isn't what I came to talk about. I came to apologize for losing my temper. I shouldn't have said those things. You know I didn't mean them."

"Neither did I," Fern said, struggling to control her voice. "Don't," she said, when Madison tried to take her hand. "Please sit down. I can't think with you towering over me.''

"Then stand up."

"I can't think when you're close, either."

"I love you, Fern. What is there to think about? We had a foolish argument, but it's over now."

"That's not true."

"You just said you didn't mean what you said."

"Sit down, Madison. This is very hard for me to say, and I can't do it with you crowding me."

"What's hard to say?"

"I'll tell you if you'll sit down."

Madison looked mulish, but he finally sat.

"I want to apologize again," Fern began. "Not for this evening, but for this morning, for not telling you the truth sooner."

Madison stiffened. She opened her mouth to say the words, but her throat closed up. Her tongue refused to utter the words that would destroy her chance at the kind of love she had seen between Rose and George, the kind of love she felt for Madison.

But she must speak. He could have no future with her. She had to send him away, quickly, before her courage failed entirely. "I don't love you."

She was surprised that a crack hadn't appeared in the sky when she uttered those words. No mortal had ever uttered a greater lie.

She was equally surprised that Madison didn't know at once that she was lying. Surely the lie had disfigured her features. Ice filled her veins. Her heart had turned to stone.

"I should have realized it before now, but I guess I was bowled over by having a handsome Yankee lawyer"

"I'm a Southerner," Madison stated, his pride as stiff as his backbone.

"say he loved me. I wish I could love you. You're the kind of man every woman dreams of."

"But not you, is that it?"

"I like you an awful lot. Maybe after feeling so alone all my life, I wanted to be in love so badly I didn't want to admit the truth."

"And when did you discover the truth?"

"When I met Miss Bruce and realized she loves you much more than I ever could."

"Samantha? She thinks of me like a brother."

At least she had startled some life back into him. He didn't look so stiff and lifeless.

"She loves you, Madison. You may not be able to see it, but I can. She's crazy about you."

"But that has nothing to do with us. I'm not in love with Samantha."

He looked like his old self now. There was nothing like opposition to revitalize a man like Madison.

"Maybe not now, but you will be."

"That's crazy," Madison objected. "I've known Samantha for years. I've had more than enough time to fall in love with her if I were going to. I didn't. I fell in love with you. I don't know what you're trying to do, but I don't believe you." Madison jumped up. Taking Fern by the arms, he pulled her from her seat. "You love me. I can see it in your eyes. I know you do."

"Let me go," Fern said. The old panic rose so fast her body shook involuntarily. Madison was so stunned by her reaction that he dropped his hands to his sides and stepped back.

"I only touched your arms."

It made her sick to see him recoil. He thought she loathed his touch, that she couldn't stand to be near him. She hated the agony in his eyes. She knew what it was like to be rejected. She couldn't do that to Madison. He deserved the truth. It couldn't hurt him any more than a lie.

"Sit back down," Fern said. "There's more."

Madison remained standing, his expression of stoic resolve a more bitter reproach than anger.

Fern remained standing as well.

"I'm not going to lie to you anymore," she said, trying to hold her gaze steady. "I do love you. More than I ever thought I could love anybody"she dashed behind her chair when Madison tried to take her in his arms"but it's no good. I can't stand for you to touch me. I've tried, oh G.o.d, how I've tried, but I can't help it.''

"Don't be absurd. You can't mean"

"You saw it just now. You touched me and I cringed." He didn't believe her. He didn't understand. "You felt it. I know you did. I saw it in your eyes. It would be worse if we were married. You'd want to touch me all the time. I would soon dread seeing you. I tried to like it, I tried to want your arms around me, but just thinking about it scares me to death."

Madison forced himself to stand still, to keep his hands at his side. He cursed himself for a fool. If he loved her half as much as he thought he did, he should have known. He should have understood.

"It's because that man tried to rape you, isn't it?"

"Yes."

He could only imagine her torment in watching her friends fall in love, of knowing it could never happen to her, of being afraid it might.

And now it had.

"You can get over that. I'll help. It may take a little while but"

"Are you prepared to marry a woman you can never touch for the rest of your life? Are you ready to give up all thought of having a family of your own?"

"It won't be like that," Madison a.s.sured her. "You think so now, but you won't after you have a chance to get used to being with me."

"I won't sleep in your bed," Fern said. "I won't even sleep in the same room."

Madison could hear the determination in her voice, see the rigid set of her jaw, the desperation in her eyes. She was scared, much too scared to be able to control her reaction to him.

"I've thought about little else since the first time you kissed me," Fern said. "I've wanted it to be different. I've tried, but I can't."

Madison felt his own happiness slipping through his grasp as easily as the Kansas wind blew through his hair. His entire body tensed to fight back. He had given up too much when he left Texas. He wasn't willing to give up any more. Certainly not Fern.

"I'll wait as long as it takes," he said. "I'll take you to see any doctor in the world."

"You don't understand," Fern said. "I used to think when I was wearing pants and swearing and riding horses, I was just trying to hide being afraid, that someday everything would be all right again. Now I know it won't be." "That's not true."

"You want a wife who can love you the way all men want to be loved. I can't do that."

"Fern, you're giving up too quickly. You have no idea how patient I can be."

"Yes, I do," she said with a bittersweet smile. "Ever since I've known you, you've wanted everything yesterday. But this is not a matter of patience. I can't do it. I've tried."

Madison could feel her moving farther away, out of his reach, and his control snapped. He gripped Fern by her arms. "You can't mean this. You're still upset about my forgetting to come by the farm. You'll feel different when you have a little time."

"Madison, please"

Fern felt the panic start to rise. The same old black fear, taking all the joy out of being with him.

"You know I wouldn't hurt you."

"You're hurting me now." Nothing seemed to stop it. Not anger, not frustration. She could feel her muscles getting tighter.

"I love you, Fern. I want to marry you. I'll do what I have to do, wait as long as necessary, but I want you to be my wife. I won't let you sell yourself short."

"Please" The pounding of her heart was so loud she could hardly hear him. Couldn't he feel it? Couldn't he tell?

Madison slipped his arms around her waist. "See, this isn't so bad. You aren't shaking. In a short while you'll start to feel better. You'll even want me to touch you." He drew her close. "I love you, Fern. I won't let you go."

The feel of his chest pressed tight against her breast caused Fern's body to go rigid. She pushed against him with all her might. "If you don't let me go, I'll scream." "You don't mean that," Madison said. "You just have to wait long enough to realize nothing's going to happen."

Fern couldn't breathe. She saw black spots before her eyes. She was afraid that if she didn't escape Madison, she would go mad.

So she kicked him. Very hard.

"Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!" Madison exclaimed as he released Fern. "What are you trying to do, break my leg?"

"I asked you to let me go, but you wouldn't."

"You really mean this, don't you?"

"Yes."

She could see his face set hard with anger.

"Let me tell you something, Fern Sproull, you've just talked yourself into being afraid of me. Don't get all mad and puffed up. I know that what you went through was terrible, but I love you. I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you."

"I know. I tried, but I can't."

"Well I don't believe it. I don't know the answer, but there is one, and I don't mean to give up until I find it."

"Madison, go home and marry Samantha. She loves you. She'd be the perfect wife."

"I love you," Madison growled, "though G.o.d only knows why. After the h.e.l.l I've been put through with my family, you'd think I'd get a break when I fell in love."

"You did. You got Samantha. What more could any man want?"

"I don't know about any man, but I want you, Fern Sproull, and I mean to have you."

"But"

"No more buts. I'll leave you alone tonight. I don't want to, but I will, but you'll be ready to go to that dance." "Madison, be sensible. I can't"

"I can't be sensible. I fell in love with you, so I must be crazy. But if so, I'm going to be crazy all the time. I'm going to take you to the dance. We'll only touch fingertips if necessary, but you're going to dance with me. And you're going to walk with me, and you're going to hold hands with me, and you're going to kiss me. And we're going to keep doing it over and over again until you can do it without turning green. Then if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me, you don't want to marry me, then I'll leave you alone. But not until then. Do you understand? Not until then."

Madison grabbed Fern, pressed her hard against his body, and kissed her ruthlessly on the mouth.

"There," he said as he released her. "You can scream all you like. But I'll still be here tomorrow. Tell Rose I'll bring Samantha and Freddy by for lunch."

With that, Madison vaulted over the porch rail, barely missing one of Mrs. Abbott's prized flowers, and stalked off toward the hotel.

When Fern reached her room, she found she still had a lot more tears to shed.

Madison traced the outline of Fern's pursed lips with the tip of his tongue. Her moist warmth caused his limbs to tense with antic.i.p.ation. Groaning with unsated desire, he took her mouth in a greedy kiss. She impatiently returned his embrace, her tongue darting in and out of his mouth like a hungry hummingbird, her body pressed tightly against him, her firming nipples rubbing against his bare chest through the thin material of her white lace gown. A shudder of delicious antic.i.p.ation shook his body. Fern trembled in response.

His hand cupped her breast, gently ma.s.saging the inviting mound until the nipples stood up firm, full, and rosy. Forsaking her hungry mouth, Madison tongued her pulsating nipple through the thin cotton material. Fern's groan of erotic pleasure, her body writhing against his own, only increased his need of her. Even as he continued to suckle her breast, his hand slipped down her side, along her hip and down her thigh. Her purr of pleasure as his hand slipped under her gown and between her legs drew forth a sympathetic moan from him. His own body grew uncomfortably hard.