He spreads his hands in a "guess it is" kind of way.

This is ma.s.sively f.u.c.ked up. I mean, maybe I'm not so big on the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but it worked for them. I liked them as them.

"Go win her back," I order him.

"Excuse me?" His jaw practically drops.

"You heard me."

"Yeah. But I can't believe you of all people would say that."

"You're gonna model your love life on me? Dude, that's f.u.c.ked up. You like having a girlfriend. Specifically Rachel. So fix it."

"Don't think I can."

"Why? What did you fight about?"

"I want to go back to England for a year."

"Do the long distance thing."

"She refuses. I'm here or we're done. She's being a total harda.s.s about it."

This is a perfect reason why it doesn't pay to get involved. If she's not willing to compromise even a little bit, then he's better off without her.

"She won't go with you?" I ask instead.

"I didn't ask."

"Dude."

Ian hangs his head. "I know. I want her to come with me but she just started being so b.l.o.o.d.y b.i.t.c.hy."

"Maybe she was just freaked about losing you."

Ian looks at me, considering. "Yeah. Probably."

He stands up. "Cheers, mate. I'm going to go talk to her and fix this."

"Any time, bro."

Ian gets to the front door, then pauses and motions to the wreckage in the room. "And as for you, Junior, you've got two choices. Get a clue and get off your a.s.s, or stay home and continue this pity party. The loneliest party of them all."

He raises an eyebrow. "What's it gonna be?"

I guess I went for pity party because at 3am I'm still by myself in my hobo finery. I have managed to drag myself from the couch to my bed, so that's progress.

I stare at the digital readout of my alarm clock, feeling restless.

I'm hot. The sweat on my skin is clammy and there's zero point pretending I can sleep. I kick off my covers, get up, and flick on the light.

I root around under my bed until I find the photo alb.u.m and slide it out.

After wiping the dust bunnies off on my pj bottoms, I flip it open.

I wasn't kidding when I told Ian the alb.u.m captured a lifetime of an excellent friendship. Every photo, from rollerblading obstacle course racing when we were eight, to grinning like idiots at these freaky giant metal dragon sculptures in some weird guy's backyard she dragged us to last year, is us and always us.

I place the photo of Ally in her birthday hat that she faithfully trots out every year on the final page.

My chest gets tight.

I...

I shut the book. Just as I put it back under the bed, I hear a weak meow coming from my living room.

I find Attila, lying listlessly on the couch.

"Attila. Get up."

She weakly raises her head and vomits. I panic. No way am I losing this dumb cat.

Making all kinds of promises to be better to her if everything just works out, I gently scoop her up and clutch her to my chest.

I can feel her little heart race.

I sprint out my front door, in my pjs, barely taking the time to shove my feet into shoes while holding her tight.

Waiting for the vet is murder. I stroke her soft fur to keep her calm as she lays limp on the metal exam table. There's an IV drip running into one tiny little paw and she seems so small and helpless.

Dr. Li, an older women who looks totally overworked, enters.

"Is she going to be alright?"

"Eventually." She puts her stethoscope to Attila's heart for a moment, then makes a note on a chart. "She's depressed."

I run with the vision of having a b.u.mmed out, high-on-Valium and staring-at-the-wall-like-a-Stepford-wife cat.

Might not be the best thought to voice. "How does a cat get depressed?"

Dr. Li meets my gaze for the first time, keeping one hand on Attila. "Has there been a major change in your life? A move? Trouble at school? Any kind of big stress? Cats are sensitive to that."

"No," I lie.

"Has she been left for long hours alone? Ignored?"

I can't stop the guilty look on my face.

"What do I need to do?"

"I can treat her, but you need to decide if you want this girl in your life. Because otherwise, I'd suggest you let me find someone else for her."

It would be really easy to find her someone else and move on. No attachments. No effort. No having to go through seeing her sick or hurt and knowing I'm to blame for it.

Except the thought of not having this girl in my life is not an option.

Attila weakly licks my hand.

"I know she's cute," the vet cautions, "but this is a serious commitment. It's going to require work on your part."

"I want her." There is no doubt in my mind.

I gently rub Attila's head. "I really do."

"Okay then." Dr. Li gives me the first smile of the visit.

I exhale deeply and prepare to man up.

Everything is about to change.

Chapter thirty-four.

The past few days were a nightmare. Rachel and Ian broke up over him going back to England. I felt so bad for them because it's clear they love each other so much. But their stubbornness and weird issue s.h.i.t was messing everything up between them.

They worked it out. Ian is going to go back for a couple months to get a place and then Rach will go over. It'll mean taking a semester out, but she's going to transfer to a school in London and she's pretty psyched. I guess for a history major, London is an excellent place to be.

While it was awful watching them go through it, it was kind of a relief to have someone else to be there for and to get out of my own head for a bit.

Sam never called me back or came back to see me. I've spent the past couple days trying to look at it in a number of positive ways. Perhaps he is arranging some grand romantic gesture. Perhaps he's been pinned under a car and can't reach his cell.

Perhaps he just doesn't love me.

I've accepted that. Intellectually.

He's dead to me.

Moving on.

Miyuki got hired as a Wildlife Biologist at this awesomely cool natural habitat outside of town. She insisted that they bring me along as her helper.

I'll even get paid.

It's pretty freaking great.

The job may not be as exotic as Ecuador, but in some ways, it's better. After Jeremy dumped me, I just wanted to run away. The fact that I'm willing to stay here, even without Sam in my life, makes me feel pretty proud of myself.

I'm not running and I'm not settling.

I'm going to be fine.

"I'm working Sat.u.r.days," I gush to Rach and Ian in our usual diner booth. While the two of them are listening to me, their hands are completely intertwined.

Rachel leans her head on Ian's shoulder.

The breakup has taken them to a new place. And while it still seems fragile, they look even more together than ever.

I'm really happy for them.

"I get to work with parrots in a natural setting, which is important. Miyuki says that this is something I can keep going with through university, and when I graduate, I could get a full time job doing it. I could eventually make a real-"

I jump as something heavy is slammed onto the table in front of me.

I look up to find Sam with the photo alb.u.m.

My treacherous heart beats faster at the sight of him.

Rachel squeezes my hand under the table. I hang onto it for support.

"-Difference," I finish up. Look at me. Not caring that he's there at all.

"Al," Rachel whispers in my ear, tugging on her hand. "You're breaking my bones."

I let go. She gives me a supportive smile.

Sam is clearly furious. "And you accused me of being the one who leaves? Hey, pot. It's kettle." He's also apparently insane because I have no idea what he's going on about. So it's for the best I want nothing to do with him. Who needs a nutso boyfriend who could one day go into stalker mode?

Dodged the bullet on that one.

He seems to be expecting some kind of answer from me though, so I reply, "What the h.e.l.l are you babbling about?"

"You. Running away to Ecuador on that stupid study abroad program, just because I don't love you."

"Whoa. There are so many things wrong with that statement," Rachel says.

Ian frowns and shakes his head in a "not good" way at Sam.

Vic pops up from the next booth, craning over to stare at us, unabashedly interested.

"Don't flatter yourself," I shoot back at Sam. "You're not worth running away over."

Sam opens his mouth to shoot it off again but Ian cuts in before Sam can dig himself in deeper. "Ally got a part-time job at the bird sanctuary. Outside town."