He folded his arms as he stood on the opposite side of the conference table. "She should be up for partner in a couple of years. Will you make her one?"

"I'll decide that then, but I doubt it. I don't think she's qualified, not after what I saw today."

He laughed abruptly. "Bennie, who stands on principle. Always."

"Absolutely, and why not?" I said, fighting to check my temper. "Eve's a fine corporate lawyer, but she can't try a case to save her life. She's not as good a trial lawyer as anybody in her graduating cla.s.s-Butler, Wells, or Wingate."

"Wingate? He's a slacker. He doesn't have the brains, even if he did have the energy! I can't introduce him to a corporate client-"

"Lower your voice," I told him, in case the a.s.sociates could hear.

"Eve's smart, Bennie. That idea for the joint venture, it was hers. You saw the memo."

"So? We've turned down lots of smart kids for partnership."

"I'm telling you, she's good."

"Maybe in bed."

His lip curled. "That was unnecessary."

"But that's why you want to give her special treatment, isn't it? Where does that leave the other women? Or the men? She doesn't have the talent, period. No matter who she's sleeping with."

He shook his head. I shook mine. Silence fell between us as we both fumed.

"I'll take my clients," Mark said quietly. "Wellroth and the other drug companies. You take your practice, the defamation clients and the excessive force cases. We divide the a.s.sets and the receivables down the middle. I made copies of the computer files, on disk. Also the standard form file, since we wrote it together, and the billing system. Eve photocopied the case files for the drug clients."

He'd had it all planned out. All of it with Eve, behind my back.

"We split up the a.s.sociates. Whoever wants to come with me and Eve can, and whoever wants to come with you can. I found some new office s.p.a.ce on Twentieth Street. It's sunny and bright. The lease starts in two weeks."

"You're moving in two weeks? Good. Go."

Mark stood stock still. The picture came suddenly into focus, and I went ballistic.

"No, I'm moving? You're throwing me out? f.u.c.king Mark! You own the building, so you're taking my firm! I sanded these floors, you a.s.shole!"

"Bennie-"

"Is there anything else I should know? Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"You brought it on yourself."

"f.u.c.k you!" I shouted, without caring whether the a.s.sociates heard. "Where the f.u.c.k do you get off?"

"Where do I get off? Okay, so since when do you represent animal rights activists, Bennie?"

"What's that have to do with it? You've been planning this for months, you hypocrite!"

"Today was the last straw. Do you care that Furstmann Dunn and Wellroth are owned by the same parent? You didn't do the conflict check, did you, before you rode off to save the day!"

I was so mad I could scream, and I did. "I defended that kid against criminal charges! His brutality suit will be filed against the police department and the city! There's no conflict of interest, Furstmann's just the location!"

"Of course you didn't check it, you didn't care. Dr. Haupt told me after lunch, he got a fax during the trial. They f.u.c.king messengered it down to him, Bennie! You were representing the group that was picketing his company! My partner! How do you think that looked?" Mark raked his hair back with a furious swipe. "It's a f.u.c.king miracle we got those new cases! Whether you want to believe it or not, it was because they like Eve!"

"But where's the conflict? My client has no interest adverse to them!"

"Don't be so f.u.c.king technical, would you? He's ruining their image! It's a public relations nightmare. They're a quiet German company. They play it low profile. They don't want the attention."

"Christ, that doesn't make it a conflict! You do whatever they say, whether it's right or wrong? March to their tune?"

"So there! That's your att.i.tude and I'm supposed to keep you?"

Keep me? It knocked the wind out of me, like a jackboot to the diaphragm. "Keep me?" I said, my voice hushed. "I pull my own weight here. My billings are equal to yours. Better, last year."

He rubbed his chin and sighed. "I have to look to the future, Bennie. I want to develop this drug company business. Look what's happening with Wellroth and their joint venture. There's money in it."

"Money, again."

"Is money a dirty word? I shouldn't make more than a hundred grand?"

"You used to say you didn't need even fifty grand."

"That was then, this is now. You may not want a future, but I do. You may not want kids, but I do."

I took another deep breath. I knew this fight, every punch and counter-punch. I did want kids, just not yet. I couldn't, not with my mother getting worse. I looked away, out the window. The sun was going down. People were walking home after work. The day was over. R & B was over. I thought of the river, running through the city, not two miles from where I stood.

"Bennie?"

I turned and went for the door. I wasn't going to fight anymore. All that was left between Mark and me was a business deal, and he had a right to end it. Let him go, let it all go. I'd do it on my own. I walked out of the library, closing the door behind me.

My oars cut the water with a chop. I reached out and pulled them into my stomach with one slow, fluid stroke, as controlled and even as I could make it. Gliding back on the hard wooden seat with its greasy rollers, knees flattening against the oily rails.

The black water resisted but only slightly. There were no whitecaps. The wind had died down and everything had gone still. I was rowing on a mirror of smoked gla.s.s.

The surface of the water reflected the decorative lights outlining the boathouses along the east bank, then the streetlamps along the drives as I pulled away from civilization. There were no lights at all in the middle of the river, where it was pitch-dark.

The oars. .h.i.t the water with a splash, and I pulled them through it, imagining its sleek blackness as tar, making me slow down each stroke and concentrate. Feeling the scull lurch forward slightly with the next stroke, and the next. Keeping it slow, and languid, and black. Right down the dark water, suspended there. The only thing connecting me to the river, connecting me to anything, was the handle of the oar, rough and splintery under my calloused hands. I was holding on to the stick that held on to the world.

I feathered the oars and took another long stroke. Scooted under the arch of the craggy stone bridge, where it felt cooler, shadier, even now at midnight. Moving through the widest part of the river so the few cars on either side seemed far away, their headlamps like pinpoints, not strong enough to cast any brightness down the road.

I heard another splash and felt a spray of cold water on my forearm as I hit the stroke too hard. Easy, girl. I reached far out and over my toes for the next stroke, stretching, extending every inch of my body. A powerful stroke but still controlled, always controlled. I tried stroking like that for the next ten.

One, two, three, not power strokes, just for technique. Not thinking about anything but technique. The stroke, the control, the timing. The speed of the scull and the slip-sound it made as it sliced through the water. The creak of the rigging. The fishy rankness of the water and the green freshness of the trees. The shock of the cold spray, the jolt of the lurch forward. The city was far away. The city was gone. Four, five, six strokes.

Soon the sound of my own breath, coming in short, quick pants, and the slickness of the sweat as it sluiced down between my b.r.e.a.s.t.s and under my arms. I was working hard and I wasn't a college kid anymore. There were beads of sweat on my knees, but they evaporated as the boat picked up speed, floating just high enough in the water because the stroke was working so well. I'd finally found the rhythm and I couldn't go wrong. Seven, eight, nine, ten.

In the middle of the river, in the middle of the night.

Chapter 7.

I decided against crying when I got home. It never did any good and my eyes puffed up like pet-store goldfish. Instead, I showered, toweled off, and got ready for bed. Bear, my golden retriever, lay on the floor, watching me pad from bathroom to bedroom and back again. Her wavy coat was the exact color of a square of light caramel, and she was big-boned, like me.

"Bedtime, girl," I said, and she jumped onto the mattress, circled twice, and settled on a spot in the middle. It had always driven Mark crazy. Now it wouldn't. Things were looking up.

I climbed in beside Bear, nudged her over, then switched off the light. She yawned theatrically, and I smiled, scratching the rich folds of soft fur on her neck. She drifted almost immediately into a slumber marked by a breathy snore, but I kept scratching. I wouldn't be sleeping for a while.

In the bedroom underneath mine, in the apartment below, my mother was in bed and not sleeping, either. I'd checked on her before I came upstairs, and she was tossing and turning. I read to her until she fell asleep, but she was awake again by the time I got out of the shower. I could hear her through the floorboards. Talking to herself and others she imagined.

But I didn't think about that either. Something would have to be done. I would have to do it.

But not tonight.

"She's not eating at all?" I asked Hattie, standing to pour us a cup of fresh coffee the next morning. Hattie Williams was the black home-care worker who lived with my mother and took care of her. She rose early and even at this hour was dressed in black stirrup pants and a TAJ MAHAL T-shirt glittery with mosques. Hattie was very short, very wide, and her straightened hair was an unlikely shade of orange, but none of that mattered to me.

"Skipped lunch and dinner yesterday," she said. "Not even her soup."

"Did she drink anything?"

"Only a little water, and she won't be still." Hattie shook her head. "Too scared to go out for her walk again. That's three months she ain't seen the sunshine, and she been talkin' to herself more. Did you hear, last night?"

"Her little chat with Satan? When's that boy gonna straighten up and fly right?"

But Hattie didn't smile, as she usually would. The skin around her eyes, though remarkably unwrinkled for her age, was a shade darker than the rest of her face and looked even darker this morning. I wanted to make her laugh, at least for the moment.

"At least the TV stopped bossing her around, Hat. I was really beginning to worry. What if we had to get rid of it? Then you couldn't watch Loving."

"Now that's enough. That's enough now, hush." She waved me off with the most begrudging of smiles, so I replaced the coffeepot and sat down at the kitchen table in my mother's junky apartment. The table was fake Early American, the napkin dispenser a cloudy acrylic, and the cups and saucers tannic-tinged melamine. It was all the c.r.a.p from our old house, I'd moved the s.h.i.tload here at my mother's insistence. Cost me two thousand dollars to move two hundred dollars worth of chemistry.

I sipped my coffee and shook my head. "Why can't I make a decent cup of coffee? Every morning it's the same thing. What do I do wrong?"

Hattie drank her coffee and paused. "Too much water."

"What? Monday you said I put too much coffee."

She laughed, tickled. "You can go in front of a jury, you can go on the TV news. You can even go argue in front of the Supreme Court of the United States. I got the feather to prove it." She meant the white quill the Supremes give to lawyers who argue before them, sort of a consolation prize, in my case. "But you can't make coffee that don't taste like s.h.i.t."

We both laughed, then stopped abruptly. "Hattie, don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking."

"It's time. I can't get her to take her Prozac, half the time she thinks I'm poisoning her. Puts up such a fuss, d.a.m.n near wakes the whole city. It makes her anxious, nervous. She paced all mornin' yesterday. She's upset all the time on account of that d.a.m.n Prozac."

I'd noticed it, too. "Let's stay with it for just a while longer."

"No more stallin', you." She set her plastic cup down with a clacking noise. "Even her doctor said we got to get goin', and that was two, three months ago. She's worse every day."

I thought of my mother's doctor, a soft-spoken young man with a prematurely graying beard, so thoughtful and intellectual as he explained electroshock therapy in his office that day. He could afford to be cool, it wouldn't be his mother at the end of the extension cord. "But they don't even know why it works," I said. "The doc told us, he admitted it."

"What's the difference why? Who cares why? It works." Hattie leaned forward and pressed her ample b.r.e.a.s.t.s against the table. "The doctor said every other day for a coupla weeks, that's it. He said she'll start to get better fast. She already signed the form for me. It will help her."

"Electroshock? How can that help her? Shoot a hundred volts into her brain?"

"It's not like you're makin' it sound."

"Yes it is, it sure is. The electricity induces a brain seizure, a grand mal seizure. Sometimes they start the seizure and it doesn't stop. And sometimes the patient dies."

Hattie's broad features creased into a skeptical frown. "I read the form. One outta how many die?"

"Who cares how many? What if she's the one?" It didn't sound convincing, even to me, but this wasn't about odds and numbers and scientific theories. This was about my mother. "Besides, she'll lose her memory."

"Child, what's she got to remember anyway? She lives in a nightmare world. She's afraid all the time. She can't go on like this. She'll starve."

My stomach turned over. "No. Give her one more day, then we admit her to the hospital and they put in the feeding tube. It worked last time."

"And how many times you think your momma can take that, in and out the hospital? She needs shock treatments!"

"Hattie, I'm defending a kid who believes you shouldn't do that to an animal. A monkey. A mink." Whatever. "They think you don't have the right."

"This ain't about rights, Bennie. She got her rights now and she dyin'. Dyin'," she said softly, and I could hear Georgia in her voice, a lilt that appeared only when she was tired or angry.

I sensed she was both, and looked at her face anew. The dark circles, the downturn to her eyes. Her cheeks had grown puffier, she'd gained weight. Her blood pressure problem had reappeared, its presence announced by the tall brown bottle of Lopressor on the table. My mother's care was taking its toll on her, and it tore at me inside. I had a choice: Hattie or my mother.

I got up from the table, it was all I could do. Bear, resting on her side, raised her head from her paws, her round brown eyes questioning. She would stay all day with Hattie, who would watch the soaps, make homemade soup, and change my mother's diaper. Come Sunday, Hattie would take the bus to Atlantic City, there to stand before the slot machines at the casinos, pushing the b.u.t.ton and watching the spinning bars. Letting the clanging, jangling, and clattering obliterate every other thought. I understood it completely.

I walked to my mother's room with Bear's toenails clicking at my heels. I opened her door and stood there, letting the familiar scent of tea roses waft over me. It was my mother's favorite perfume, and we doused the room with it to please her and mask less pleasant odors. She wouldn't let us open the window, so the air in the room remained heavy and close behind the drawn curtains.

I looked down at my mother in the soft light. She lay under her old chenille coverlet, having finally fallen asleep around dawn, and she made a tiny figure in the bed. A figurine in a roomful of figurines. Ceramic birthday angels, muted Hummel figures, a prized Lladro. She had collected them in the days when she still went out, days I didn't even recall.

Her black hair had gone gray but was still wildly wavy. Her bony, hawkish nose was belligerent even in sleep, as was her pointed chin. Only her last name tied me to her, for I had none of her features and all of my father's. I a.s.sumed, since I'd never met the man. Never even saw his picture. My mother didn't like him much and refused to marry him. At least that was what she told me as a child, though I'd come to suspect differently.

And as long as I could remember, she had been bitter, resentful. Then the resentment turned to a rage and the rage burrowed inside her and ate her up. That's how I saw it as a child, even though they called it "bad nerves," then a "nervous breakdown." Later science entered the picture and the doctors decided my mother had an "electrolyte imbalance," as if all she had to do was drink Gatorade. We went through medication, Pamelor, then Elavil, but she wouldn't take either. She was getting older and harder to handle. We ran out of medication just about the same time we ran out of patience and money.

Though one uncle had sent the funds that supported us, the relatives who had been helping slipped away as I grew older, attriting for various reasons that all amounted to the same reason. Some died off, and at one point I wondered if that were the only way out. But before I knew it I was coping with it, getting two jobs after school and applying for aid for her. Meeting with the doctors, even as a seventeen year old, and eventually giving up on them because they had nothing to offer her, and changing her diaper myself.

Then I found Hattie and could breathe, for the first time. Went to college on scholarship, close by to Penn, then to law school, on half-scholarship. Graduated and made the money to keep alive the figurine in the bed. A little old Italian lady, but tough; like an aging hen, wasting, exhausted, but still fighting. I used to think she was fighting death. Until I realized she was fighting life.

"Bennie, Bennie, come quick!" It was Hattie, standing in front of the television in the kitchen. Bear turned, too, ears lifted at the alarm in her voice.

"What?" I closed my mother's door.

"Look, on the TV. Isn't that your law firm?"

I ran to the TV and froze at the image on the screen. A black body bag was being wheeled out on a steel stretcher and loaded into a black coroner's van. The scene changed to the brick townhouse, then a close-up of the plaque that said Rosato & Biscardi. I turned up the volume, but somehow I couldn't hear the news. Couldn't bear to hear it.