Time was when she would have given anything to have Ryan Taylor standing on her doorstep declaring his feelings for her. But now, when she desperately needed him and just as desperately needed to avoid him, she had turned him away.

The tears came in earnest, and she knew there was only one way out of the despair that gripped her soul. She slid off the side of the bed and landed on her knees. With head bowed, body convulsing in sobs, she buried her face in the bedspread and cried out to the only One who could make sense of her life.

I need a miracle, Lord.... I'm at the end of my rope. My grace is sufficient for you.

The Scripture pa.s.sage came to mind again, and this time she remembered the rest of the verse.

For my power is made perfect in weakness.

Her weeping subsided. G.o.d was here; he saw how weak she was. And he knew what she needed-not just one miracle, but a couple of them.

First, that Tim would stop his wayward lifestyle and return to her. And second, if he did return, that she could somehow learn to enjoy loving him once more.

Even after knowing how good it felt to be in Ryan Taylor's arms again.

177 SIXTEEN.

Angela was busy with a study group for her modern history cla.s.s that Sat.u.r.day night, and Tim decided to go back and get a few things from his house. He'd called, but Kari didn't answer, and he figured she was either working or at her parents' house.

Actually, he rather hoped she'd show up while he was there. That way he could look her in the face and find out what she'd meant by the baby comment. He'd gone over the dates a hundred times since then and couldn't imagine how she might just have found out she was pregnant. The last time they'd been together was back in August, back when he was doing everything he could to get Angela out of his mind and make things work with Kari.

If she'd gotten pregnant then, she'd already be three months along. Wouldn't she have found out sooner? Tim was almost positive she would have. They had those tests, didn't they?

He thought about the possibility as he drove the few blocks to University Park, the upscale area of older, restored homes where they'd planned on spending forever. What if she really was pregnant? How many times in their early years had he longed for a 178 child, imagining the wonderful life Kari and he would have once their home was filled with little ones?

The thought of Kari's raising their child alone made him feel sick to his stomach. There would be no pleasure sharing an apartment with Angela if Kari was forced to live the single mother life ten minutes away.

He pulled into the driveway and entered through the kitchen door. The answering machine held only one message.

Tim hit the Play b.u.t.ton.

"Hi, Tim. It's me, Pastor Mark, over at Clear Creek Community Church. I talked to Kari today and left a message for you at work. Not sure if you'll get this, but if you do, I'd appreciate a call when you get in. If it's too late, I'll be at the office first thing in the morning." The pastor rattled off a few phone numbers and hung up.

Tim felt his face grow hot. Why had Kari gone to see him? And what was he doing calling Tim at home? Tim cursed under his breath. Preachers were all alike-a bunch of do-gooders trying to save the world. Well, he for one did not want saving. He had tried that route and failed miserably. There was nothing left now but for him to build a life with Angela and try to make his own happiness.

As long as Kari wasn't pregnant, that is.

He moved into the dining room and came to an abrupt stop. There on the table were four envelopes. Each one had his name scrawled across the front with a date from the previous week. What was this?

Tim could hear his heart beating. He picked up the envelope with the earliest date and opened it. I could use a drink. The thought filtered through his mind, and he silently chastised himself. After overdoing it that night at Angela's, the night that preacher was on television, Tim had decided not to drink during the day. As long as he could keep to that promise, he was pretty sure he'd never have a problem. At least not one like Uncle Frank's.

179 Tim found a letter inside the envelope. He took it out, unfolded it, and saw that it was a handwritten letter from Kari. He sighed, and his eyes found their way to a portrait that hung on their dining-room wall, a portrait of Kari in her wedding dress.

His breath caught in his throat as he studied her face, her smile. Her trusting eyes. No matter what plans he had for the future, there was no denying her beauty. He studied the picture, and he could hear her laughter, feel her touch on his skin.

He tore his eyes from the portrait and made his way across the living room to an oversized chair. Then he held up the letter and began to read, a lump lodging in his throat.

Dear Tim, The one thing I would tell you if you were here right now is this: I love you.

Even after all that's happened, even though you've moved in with her, I still love you. Isn't that crazy? Because the thing is, I know the real Tim Jacobs.

The man I married loves G.o.d and wouldn't in a million years think of doing this to me, to us. So whatever's happening now is something we need to get past.

The letter went on to recall in detail some of Kari's favorite moments since they were married. As he read, he was swept away, drawn back to the days when he would never have considered having an affair, let alone moving in with another woman.

He kept reading, but when he reached the last few paragraphs, his heart skipped a beat.

By the way, I meant what I said the other night. I'm three months pregnant, Tim.

And when I'm so mad at you I could break something, when I'm all alone crying myself to sleep, when I hate you for what you've done, I have only to remember the precious life growing within me to know the truth.

I will wait a lifetime for you to return, believing that someday you'll remember who you are and what we shared and find your way back to me. To us.

Loving you still, Kari 180.

The moisture flooding Tim's eyes made it impossible for him to see. He blinked and felt a trail of tears burn a path down his cheeks. Over and over again he read the last part of the letter, unable to fathom the emotions that coursed through him. A part of him ached for what he'd already missed-being with Kari when she found out about the baby, helping her through the morning sickness.

Just like last time.

Only now, if she was already three months along, the danger of miscarriage was largely past. And that meant ...

He let his head fall back and uttered an audible groan. He really was going to be a father. At a time when he'd fallen in love with another woman, he was finally going to father his wife's child. The thought was more than he could bear and made him desperate for a gla.s.s of wine or a shot of whiskey. Anything to dull the pain.

He stifled a sob. Suddenly he missed Kari more than he would have thought possible a few days before. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and beg her forgiveness. If only there were some way to go back in time, back to the days before he'd met Angela.

As if scales were falling from his eyes, he began to see himself as he really was. What kind of a creep had he become? No matter how busy or inattentive Kari had been, that didn't justify his taking up with Angela.

He closed his eyes and wondered what to do next. He could call Pastor Mark. Or he could call Kari, drive to her parents' house, and tell her he was sorry.

But there was one problem.

The feelings he had for Angela Manning were as strong as ever. She was young and vulnerable, despite the veneer of cool toughness she displayed around campus.

Over the course of the past year she had bared her heart to him, and his love for her was not a pa.s.sing fancy. It was real-as real as his feelings for Kari had ever been.

He closed his eyes and saw himself dancing with Kari at their 180 181 wedding reception. She was beautiful beyond words. A wave of desire washed over him, and he was disgusted with himself.

He wasn't a player, not like some men. But somehow he had managed to end up in love with two women. One in a familiar way that tugged at his heart, the other in a new and exciting way that made him feel needed and important.

The image of Kari at their wedding remained. Her hair had been up in some kind of amazing design that day, and just a few pieces hung in soft wisps near her face. Her expression was fresh, hopeful, impossibly tender.

And what about him? He'd been happy and full of life that day, ready to take on the future. How had everything gotten so bad? How had they gone from the couple in his memory to the people they were today?

Even now, he was sure he'd never loved anyone like he'd loved Kari Baxter back then. Hadn't he meant it when he promised her forever? For that matter, hadn't he also promised G.o.d forever? He ma.s.saged his temples. What in the world had happened to him since then? Had he betrayed his faith as surely as he had betrayed his wife?

He hadn't always been serious about G.o.d-not as a child or a teenager. When he was growing up as a missionary kid, believing had been little more than a well-practiced routine. But all that changed not long after he entered college.

He remembered a long-distance conversation he had had with his father midway through his freshman year. Tim had told him he was on the leadership team of Christians in Action, and his father had nearly wept at the news.

"I'm so proud of you, son." The overseas connection wasn't clear, and his father's voice broke up every few words. "Your mother and I have been praying for you, believing you'd come to really know Jesus one of these days. And now it's happened."

The change, Tim knew, could be traced back to a retreat they'd had at a lakeside Christian camp. The speaker had been talking about the end of the world as if it might happen Tomorrow, 181.

182 and suddenly Tim's heart had begun beating erratically, pounding out a strange rhythm inside his chest, threatening to break free from his body.

In those days, prayer was not something Tim typically took part in, unless it was praying out loud for a group. He did not normally carry on silent conversations with the Lord-not until that day at the retreat. But then, with his heart beating wildly, threatening to take his life then and there in the a.s.sembly hall, he gulped and uttered the most sincere silent prayer he'd ever said. Lord, what is it? What's happening to me?

And he heard an answer deep in his heart: Hear my Word, and obey it.

It was as if G.o.d were speaking the words to him directly. So clear was the message that it might have been relayed over the loudspeaker for everyone at camp to hear.

Tim remembered paying close attention to the speaker after that. When the man mentioned Christ's return and how his followers would be taken to heaven, Tim no longer found himself rolling his eyes and wishing for the dinner break. Instead, he listened like a man whose minutes were numbered.

"You think you're young and invincible and that life lies stretched out for decades in front of you? Let me tell you what the Bible says about that: `What is your life?'" The speaker's voice boomed, quoting from the book of James.

"`You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."'

Tim remembered the impact those words had on him as he sat on the floor shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of other college kids. For the first time in his life, Tim felt like the words applied directly to him.

He listened as the speaker continued. "You can play around with G.o.d today, but one day ... one day that kind of hypocrisy will catch up to you. The truth is clearly spelled out in Scripture. . . ." His voice was softer now, more compa.s.sionate. As he spoke, he made eye contact with a number of the students until finally his eyes rested on Tim. "One day every knee will bow, 182 183 every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." He paused, his eyes still linked with Tim's. "And on that day, if you've been playing with G.o.d, if your name isn't written in the Lamb's Book of Life, there remains only one eternal place for you. A place of torment and fire and everlasting desolation."

Tim's chest pounded even harder, and right there, surrounded by the crowd of guys who looked up to him and girls who found him funny and attractive, Tim Jacobs bowed his head and talked to the Lord again.

I'm sorry, Father. I know he's talking about me. I've only played with you and not believed your truth until now. Forgive me, Lord. I believe you now. I want my name in the Lamb's Book of Life from this minute on.

With that, his heart skidded into a normal rhythm, and he felt washed with the freshness of supernatural peace. In the weeks and months and years that followed, Tim tried hard to do exactly what the Lord asked of him. He took G.o.d at his word and studied the Bible. He went up the aisle at a church he'd attended sporadically and publicly rededicated his life to Christ. Every day he learned something new and life-changing about G.o.d and his truth.

He had even toyed briefly with going into the ministry, but he had quickly found his pa.s.sion was for journalism. He finished his degree, then moved from one newspaper job to another while he took graduate courses. And somehow in the process he had managed to hold on to his convictions-not an easy thing to do as a journalist.

Those days were wonderful, filled with new experiences and a love for reporting that seemed to grow from deep within him. It led him to his ultimate goal-teaching journalism at the university level.

And eventually it led him to Kari.

But all that seemed so distant now. How had his love affair with G.o.d and the things of heaven cooled into an obligation, then an embarra.s.sment? Tim knew the answer. It had happened 184 gradually, as he pushed for professional success and struggled to fit in with his colleagues.

And when had his devotion to Kari become routine, boring even?

The answer to that one was more specific. It had happened the day Angela Manning walked into his cla.s.sroom.

Whereas Kari expressed little interest in the columns he wrote or the manner in which he taught, Angela had been practically starstruck. She had made him feel worthwhile and wonderful, and it had been only a matter of time before he found himself tempted by her attentions.

Now, back in the home that he and Kari had shared and thinking about the baby on the way, he found his heart racing much as it had that day at the college retreat, back when he'd really heard G.o.d for the first time. Suddenly everything he was about to lose lay out in his mind like a smorgasbord of goodness.

His baby's first smile, first steps, first birthday. The satisfaction of seeing his family grow together, and the inner joy of knowing he was with the woman to whom he'd promised a lifetime of love. The peace of a life free of guilt and condemnation.

A renewed faith in G.o.d.

All of it hung in the balance. If he didn't stop now, if he didn't heed the feeling deep in his soul to turn and walk away from the life he'd chosen, he wouldn't have another chance. He knew this as surely as he knew how hard it would be to tell Angela goodbye.

Tim's arms and legs trembled as he pulled himself out of the chair. There was no question about what he had to do, and he was certain it would be as difficult as walking on the ceiling.

He had to find a way to break it off with Angela. And he had to do it soon, before he became so entangled with her that he no longer cared about the good things set before him or the future he might share with Kari and the baby.

He could do only one thing. He knew only one way out of the h.e.l.l he'd created.

On unsteady feet he plodded. toward the 185 kitchen, played the message one more time, and wrote down the phone numbers.

Then he did what he should have done weeks ago. A year ago. He dialed as fast as his fingers could move, and then he waited for Pastor Mark to answer.

186 186.

187.

FISHING WITH Ryan Taylor might not have been the wisest choice she could make, but Kari was going anyway. Tim wasn't taking her calls, and she was weary of waiting and wondering and trying to be faithful without the least indication that anything would change. She was tired of defending Tim to others, tired of defending her own decisions to friends and family.

So when she saw Ryan this morning in church and he suggested an afternoon on the lake, she had thought, Why not? He seemed to respect the boundaries she'd set the last time they were together.

Besides, she could use some fresh air and good company. Kari was peering out the window looking for Ryan's truck when she heard the phone. Her parents were upstairs in her dad's home office, and when they didn't answer, Kari rushed and picked it up on the third ring. She smiled. Her nausea was almost completely gone. In fact, she felt better than she had in weeks.

"h.e.l.lo?" "Kari? It's Pastor Mark. How are you?"

188 Kari's stomach slipped to her ankles, and her mind raced. "Fine, thanks."

Had the pastor known she was about to go out with Ryan? She leaned against the kitchen counter and kept her focus on the driveway. He would be here any minute.

"Sorry I didn't meet up with you at church."

"Yes, I saw you with Ryan Taylor." The pastor hesitated. "How's he doing?"