Pirates.

by Colin Campbell Clements.

_The play takes place in MRS. WARREN'S little living room during the early Victorian period. At the left is a door leading to another part of the house. A door at the back opens into the entrance hall. As the curtain rises, MRS. WARREN, seated in a large chair, is talking to her maid, CLARA._

MRS. WARREN. Gossip is malicious, my dear girl, positively malicious.

Doesn't the Bible say--(_The knocker sounds._) There, isn't that the door? (_CLARA starts to go_.) Oh, Clara, before you open the door, be sure and dust off the table in the hall and----

(_CLARA goes out. MRS. WARREN arranges her dress and the little lace cap on her head._)

CLARA. (_From the door_) It's Mrs. Lawty, ma'am.

MRS. WARREN. Oh, the dear soul! Have her come right in--right in, Clara.

(_CLARA goes out. MRS. LAWTY enters._)

MRS. LAWTY. Good afternoon--good afternoon, Mrs. Warren.

MRS. WARREN. Good afternoon, my dear. Do sit down, Mrs. Lawty--do sit down.

MRS. LAWTY. Oh, thank you. I have just dropped in for a moment. I am on my way to the meeting of the "Helping Hand Society," and as I had to pa.s.s this way I just came in to see how you were. I hope I am not interrupting any work you may be doing, my dear.

MRS. WARREN. Oh, dear, no. I was just giving my maid a little lecture ... on gossip.

MRS. LAWTY. Gossip?

MRS. WARREN. It is _so_ malicious.

MRS. LAWTY. Positively unladylike! One could almost compare a lady who gossips to a ... to a pirate.

MRS. WARREN. A what, Mrs. Lawty?

MRS. LAWTY. A pirate. They are sort of wild thieves, you know, and steal things from perfectly innocent people, Mrs. Warren. The South Sea Islands are full of them ... pirates, I mean. Why, I read in our missionary paper, just last week, that one poor man was overtaken by pirates who took away his watch and, I hesitate to say it, his trousers!

MRS. WARREN. His trousers! Dreadful!

MRS. LAWTY. The rest of the story is too indelicate to repeat.

MRS. WARREN. Yes ... yes, some things are often better left unsaid.

(_Pause._) But one need never be ashamed to speak the truth. What is the rest of the story, Mrs. Lawty?

MRS. LAWTY. The poor man was forced to come into port with a bad cold in his head ... and in his pajamas!

MRS. WARREN. Oh!

MRS. LAWTY. And that is why I call a woman who gossips a pirate.

MRS. WARREN. Yes ... yes. Though one can hardly think of _any_ woman unlawfully taking a poor gentleman's trousers.

MRS. LAWTY. Hardly. But to steal one's good name is to take one's cloak of righteousness, so to speak. And, oh, my dear, few people can face the world without it. The soul is so much more important than the body.

MRS. WARREN. One should keep _both_ properly clothed.

MRS. LAWTY. Yes ... though on the South Sea Islands the people wear nothing but gra.s.s skirts.

MRS. WARREN. One could hardly do that in England.

MRS. LAWTY. Oh, but the people there, in the South Seas, are like little children ... pure of mind. And so it is one of the very first rules of the "Helping Hand Society" that no gossip shall pa.s.s our lips.

MRS. WARREN. Such a worthy organization. I am sure the ladies of Northampton are doing a n.o.ble work.

MRS. LAWTY. Oh, yes, indeed, Mrs. Warren. Why, only last week we sent off a large box of soap to the natives of East Africa and now we are getting a box of napkins and tablecloths ready. We are doing such splendid work for our less fortunate brothers and sisters in a far land.

MRS. WARREN. Brothers and sisters! One hardly feels that way toward them, Mrs. Lawty. I am told they are quite black.

MRS. LAWTY. Nevertheless they are Gaud's creatures.

MRS. WARREN. My dear, I shall have Clara make you a hot cup of tea. It will rest you. (_She calls_) Clara ... Clara!

MRS. LAWTY. Oh, no, thank you ... really. I mustn't stop. I always like to get to the society meetings early ... otherwise one misses so much that is interesting. (_She rises._)

(_CLARA appears._)

MRS. WARREN. Never mind, Clara. (_CLARA starts to go._) Oh, Clara, Clara----

CLARA. Yes, ma'am.

MRS. WARREN. Clara, will you put the water on to boil? And make the tea rather strong ... but not too strong ... just so.

CLARA. Yes, ma'am. (_She goes out._)

MRS. LAWTY. By the way, have you met the new doctor and his wife, Mrs.

Warren?

MRS. WARREN. Yes, I have called on Mrs. Hunter.

MRS. LAWTY. (_She sits down again_) Oh, really? How interesting.

MRS. WARREN. But, of course, Betty knows both of them. I must call on Mrs. Hunter again. But I get out so seldom now ... so seldom. I am so afraid to walk on the new ... pavement, I believe they call it. Betty is very fond of them both ... the Hunters, I mean.

MRS. LAWTY. Quite ... though Mrs. Romney told Mrs. Pickering who told me that the Hunters did not get along well together. It seems she is a Church of England woman while the doctor is the son of a Scotch Presbyterian, so of course----

MRS. WARREN. Though I believe they have been married all of five or six years.

MRS. LAWTY. Oh, really, I did not know that. How interesting! I must tell Mrs. Romney. But Mrs. Lawer told me that the doctor calls Mrs.

Hunter "Dearest" ... in public!