~ Thirteen ~

All she could think about yesterday morning, before the drive-by, was getting as far away from Jase as possible. Now that she had her wish, Maggie wanted to take it back.

It wasn't that she was ready to talk about walking out on him, quite the opposite, but the sudden vacancy created by his absence felt so much darker and absolute now. Maybe it was just stress-induced trauma making everything look bigger and meaner than it actually was. Maybe it was because the feelings she'd had for Jase had never been killed, but merely buried alive, and now they tore through the dirt of her mind, bent on reclamation. Even if he didn't talk to her, even if he spent all day in a different room of the clubhouse, Maggie wished he had stayed.

Tommy and Ghost did their best to keep her cheered up and occupied. At first, she had hidden away in her room like a stubborn teenager, planning to tick away the day in isolation. A quiet knock on her door and an invitation to lunch had changed that. They let Maggie pick whatever she wanted and sent Ghost out to pick it up. To their delight, she felt like nothing more than a giant, greasy pizza and a bunch of beer. They kicked up their heels in the den as they ate, the jukebox playing softly against the wall.

"Now, this is my kind of a.s.signment," said Ghost as he lowered a line of dangling cheese into his mouth. "Think about those jerks out there in the hot sun, all beer-less."

"Well, thinking about that just makes me feel like a lazy d.i.c.khead," said Tommy. "Shouldn't we be helping?"

"We are helping," said Ghost. He gestured his beer bottle to Maggie. "We're supposed to keep her alive, and eating is part of being alive."

Maggie popped an olive into her mouth and raised an eyebrow. "He's got you there, Tommy."

"In that case," said Tommy with a laugh as he uncapped another beer.

The three of them had a pleasant few hours doing a whole lot of nothing but eating pizza, drinking beer, and telling stories. Maggie didn't know either one of them well, so she had the pleasure of hearing fresh tales from the exploits of the MC, instead of the rehashed greatest hits from the old timers. It didn't completely distract her from thoughts of Jase. Like a sea monster in the ocean of her mind, he always lingered just beneath the surface of any thought.

Some mechanical problem interrupted the meeting, and Ghost went out to help one of the rookies with an engine on a bike. Maggie didn't quite feel up to spending one-on-one time with anyone, even someone as nice as Tommy. A group tended to keep things light, but duos invited secrets. She just wanted to breathe for a while. She told Tommy she was going to take a nap in her room, and mostly did that. But first, she squirmed around a while trying to fight off the urge to contact Jase.

In a moment of weakness while Ghost was getting the pizza, Maggie had asked Tommy for Jase's cell number as a precaution. Tommy had given it up without a second thought, for obvious reasons, but Maggie's motives weren't so pure. She was hurting. She couldn't believe how badly she missed him. She hated thinking about him out around danger, alone, without her-as if some childish part of her heart thought she could protect him. And her guilt about the night before was crushing.

After four or five false starts, Maggie decided to keep her text message simple. "Sorry."

She waited for him to reply for about an hour-- enough time that she knew, rationally, he had looked and decided to ignore it. The first fifteen minutes of waiting gave her chest pains so bad, she thought she was having a heart attack. But by the last fifteen minutes, it had melted and dulled to join the chronic mix of pain that had settled somewhere between her heart and stomach. She knew in her mind that she didn't deserve a text back. Everything she was doing just displayed her cowardice. But she had hoped for one, anyway.

You don't deserve a lot of the things you get.

The thought hurt her, but Maggie knew it to be true. Last night proved she wasn't the only one with leftover feelings burning her world down. But she didn't deserve whatever feelings Jase still had for her. Anyone could see she just brought trouble.

Maggie did fall into a light nap for a while before the rumble of approaching bikes woke her with a start. Her dreams had been tense, not quite nightmares, but still enough that she woke surprised by the sweat on her clothes. She took a shower and changed, but afterwards a quick glance at her phone on the nightstand confirmed there were still no new messages.

Maggie ran a brush through her curls and tried to get her head on straight. Jase would be back soon, and she still had no idea what she was going to say to him. She went into the den for a few minutes to check in with Tommy and steal a pack of smokes from Ghost. Some of the bikers on smaller tasks arrived back to the clubhouse first, and the den started to get crowded with loud, smoking dudes pa.s.sing around beers. Maggie didn't have the energy for it. She took a few beers and her fresh pack and told Tommy she was going to go out back.

"Do you need me to come with you?" said Tommy.

"I'll be fine, I'll stay close," said Maggie. "Just poke your head out every once in a while, right?"

Tommy seemed settled with her answer. Truly, Maggie wasn't in any hurry to put herself in danger, but the backyard of the clubhouse didn't strike her as vulnerable. The huge s.p.a.ce had once been used as a range before Rudy's opened, but now it was just for barbeques and summer nights. It had a full privacy fence on its perimeter with motion sensor lighting. And then there was the clubhouse-full of heavily armed bikers just feet away to consider.

Maggie opened the back door. Twilight was already beginning to fall, the sky a swirling mix of pinks and blues that hung in the still air. The yard was empty. Maggie walked the extra feet out to the northern fence where a large picnic table had been set up and sat up on the tabletop, making herself comfortable before she tore into the beer and smokes.

Night had all but arrived before the clubhouse door opened again. She turned to wave at who she a.s.sumed would be Tommy checking up on her. But instead she saw Jase, hands in his pockets, hesitating under the porch light.

Maggie felt her chest tighten. The cigarette in her hand began to tremble.

"f.u.c.k," she whispered to herself. She looked away from him and took a good long drag. She heard his footsteps approaching in the gra.s.s and quickly stamped out the smoke.

"Not in the mood to party, or what?" said Jase from behind her.

Maggie didn't turn. She took a drink of beer. "It's too loud in there."

"Yeah," said Jase. "That kind of aversion happens a lot after trauma."

"I'm fine," said Maggie on impulse. She winced at the harsh edge on her tone that she hadn't intended.

"I didn't mean..." Jase's voice trailed off in the dark. He let the misunderstanding die and just stood in silence for a few moments. Then he said, "We found some good leads today. Sounds like your ex had some connections to an MC around here that's probably helping him out. I think this might be close to over."

"That's great news," said Maggie, though she was barely processing what he told her. She realized she still hadn't found the guts to turn and look at him. She did her best by offering him a beer, and giving him a pained smile when he accepted it. Even then, she could only look for a few seconds.

Jase opened his beer and tossed the cap carelessly at the picnic table. He took a long drink.

Maggie cleared her throat. "I sent you a text..."

"I got it," said Jase.

Maggie nodded and stared at the beer in her lap until Jase came around the table to stand in front of her. He said, "Does that mean you want to tell me what the f.u.c.k happened last night?

Maggie looked up at him. Even in the low light from the porch, she could see the twisted expression on his face, the pain in his eyes. She uncrossed her legs and sat on the table's edge. "I don't know, Jase, I just...I got mixed up."

As if to calm his nerves, he finished his beer off while she talked and dropped the bottle to the gra.s.s. "So, what, you just f.u.c.ked me because you were confused?" said Jase, a little louder than she would have liked. She looked back towards the clubhouse and saw nothing but empty light.

"No," she said. "No, it's not like that. I mean I didn't...." Her thoughts rushed through her head, clogging the channels in their efforts to escape at the same time.

Jase seemed to take a step back. He looked off towards the horizon where stars had begun to bloom into view, and breathed deeply. "I'm not trying to stress you out, I'm sorry. After everything you've been through..."

"I want to be honest with you," she said, grasping her hands together. "I just can't get it out."

"What if I go first?" said Jase. He watched the night sky.

"Okay..." She wasn't sure if it was worse or better.

Jase swallowed and looked at the ground. "I'm sorry for what I did at the roadhouse. I shouldn't have...I don't know what came over me." He shook his head. "I mean, yes, I do know. I know what came over me. I just... didn't expect it."

Maggie nodded, even though he wasn't looking at her. "I didn't expect it, either. I expected the anger... and the hate. But not jealousy."

Jase cursed to himself and turned to look at her. "I'm sorry for all of that. I was being a child." He shook his head. "When I sat there in that kitchen listening to your house get sprayed with bullets, all I could think about was how our last big interaction was going to be me hauling you out of the roadhouse like a typical jealous ex. I thought about how you were going to die afraid, and thinking I hated you. And I can't..." He turned away and swallowed hard.

Tears ran down Maggie's face before she could stop them. She sniffed and looked away, trying to wipe them from her face.

"I don't hate you, Maggie. For a while there after you left, sure. Maybe I did. The pain was so bad. But I don't hate you. I can't hate you."

"You should hate me for what I did to you," said Maggie. Her voice was a soppy, shaking mess. "I left you here. I loved you and I abandoned you. And now I've wrecked your whole new peaceful existence. You should hate me for the rest of your life."

"Maggie, no..." said Jase. He put a hand to his stomach, like the thought made him sick.

"That's why I left last night, Jase. I can't let you do this to yourself again," she said. "I ruin everything I touch. This is the second time I've f.u.c.ked up your life and I've only been here a few days. When we ended up on that pool table..."

"You didn't want that?" said Jase. "You didn't want to be with me?"

"I never said that." Maggie stepped off the table to stand in front of him. "But it's not about what I want, Jase. It never has been. I wanted to stay here before, with you, and with Henry, and just keep living like we had been before we got together, but that was never going to happen. It didn't matter how much I wanted it. Henry would have driven you out of the club or driven you away from me."

"You don't know that Maggie," said Jase. "Henry's not a monster, he would have come around. You didn't have to go. You left because you were afraid, not because you had to." The look on his face suggested Jase had been waiting a long time to say that to her. "You didn't have to go."

His words hurt deeply. But she couldn't say that he wasn't right, not anymore.

Maggie said, "I was afraid, just like I'm afraid now."

"Afraid of what, Maggie?" Jase stepped forward and took her by the shoulders. His touch was not angry, but insistent, in pain. "Afraid of me?" He watched her struggle to find the words, searching her eyes with his own gaze. "Just answer me straight: do you feel something for me, or not?"

"Yes," she said in a teary exhale. She felt lighter as she watched Jase's face react, flushing with blood, his worried edges smoothing out.

"You still think about me?"

"Yes."

"I still think about you. Seeing you in the den that first night made me realize I still think about you every f.u.c.king day." The end of Jase's sentence came out a whisper.

Maggie was caught in the pull of his gaze. She had never felt anything as intimate as what she was feeling now, staring into Jase's darkened eyes as he opened himself up to her. The vulnerability that normally terrified her instead spread deep warmth throughout her body.

"I'm afraid to ask you for what I want," said Maggie. She reached her hands up and grasped either side of his cut.

"Don't be," said Jase. "Tell me what you want."

"I want to be with you," she said as she looked up at him. "I want to ask you to forgive me. I don't deserve any of it but I want it. I miss you like h.e.l.l." She couldn't continue. Maggie buried her teary face in his chest.

She felt Jase's hands slip around her back and pull her close into him. He leaned his head down to rest on hers. "I miss you too. I've missed you so much."

"I love you," she said. "I love you more than anything, Jase."

Jase's embrace tightened around her. His voice came as a whisper near her ear. "I love you too. I never stopped, Maggie. I never stopped. It was always you."

Jase held her there, crying, for a few minutes before he tilted her head up to look at him. With gentle fingertips he wiped tears from her skin and held her gaze in the dim light. Then he lowered his lips down slowly and kissed her. It wasn't like the kisses from the night before, all heat and hunger and desperate impatience. Jase's lips kept a tender pace, relishing the moment. As his kisses became deeper, he moved a hand up to cup her head.

All of Maggie's doubt and fear washed away in that moment. She lost herself in the warmth of Jase's arms and the ache of his kiss. Suddenly she felt like every dark night and pain-filled day she had suffered in the past few years made sense. She belonged here, right here, wrapped up in Jase. Nothing hurt here. Everything was shining light.

The embrace overwhelmed them both, until the sound of the clubhouse door shattered the moment. They both pulled away from the kiss, but Jase didn't loosen his arms around her. Her eyes still wet with tears, Maggie couldn't make out who it was. "Henry's gonna kill us."

Jase looked at her. "I don't care what Henry thinks about this anymore."

Her first impulse was to make a joke, tease him, but the look on his face stopped her. "You're serious?"

"If he had just stayed out of it in the first place, you never would have left for Eagleton and none of this would be happening," said Jase. "I'm not losing you again-not to your dead-man-walking ex, and not to your overprotective father."

"Well, the first one kind of validates the second," said Maggie with a half-smile. It grew to a full one when Jase laughed down at her.

"I missed that sarcastic tongue of yours," he said. "Will's the only one smart enough to keep up, and he cares the least about talking to anybody."

Maggie gave his chest a playful pinch. "I hope that's the only job related to tongues that Will has replaced."

The low, growling laugh that came from Jase's throat made Maggie shiver in antic.i.p.ation. "Oh, no one has replaced those positions, babe. No one could replace you."

Maggie pulled him down for a kiss, and started to laugh when Jase moved to bite softly at her neck. From the porch came the sound of someone clearing their throat in a very loud and obvious manner, but she couldn't see who it was. Maggie yanked at Jase's shirt until he stopped and stood up.

Jase eyed the man smoking under the porch light, and then he turned back to her. "You wanna get out of here?"

Maggie smiled at him. "h.e.l.l yeah. But, the guys-"

"The meeting ended a while ago, now it's just a party. We're gonna walk right through it and out the front door to my bike."

"And when Henry draws on you, are you going to go for the Mexican stand-off, or postpone it for a duel at sunrise?"

Jase rolled his eyes and gave her a playful bite on the neck, making her yelp. "I was officially put back on your guard detail as soon as I arrived, so I'm just doing my job. And he's gotta figure you're a bit stir-crazy after being cooped up here all day. As long as you're with me, why would he stop us?"

Maggie felt excitement charging through her veins. Jase's heat and his kisses had brought back the fire she felt last night when she was spread out for him on the pool table. She pushed one of her thighs between his legs and heard his low growl as it rubbed his growing erection.

"We should definitely get out of here," she whispered against his lips. Jase smiled and kissed her, then led her by the hand across the darkened yard. The man on the porch smoking turned out to be Beck, and he watched them walk by with an amused and silent grin. Maggie didn't even have time to stutter an excuse or apology before Jase pulled her inside.

The den buzzed with life. The men were all letting off steam from the horror of the week's events and the stress of the hunt. Not only pool but a game of beer pong was in full swing. Will had a couple of guys sat down at a table playing poker. Someone had called over some of the groupies who hung around the MCs like s.e.xual scavengers. The mood was just so that no one turned to look when Jase and Maggie came in the back door. Jase didn't stop walking, not even when they bee-lined around the poker table, right in front of Henry, who sat at the bar taking shots with Drake.

They were already halfway down the hall when Maggie heard her father's voice. "Jase! What's happening?"

Jase yelled back as he continued towards the front door. "We're just taking a ride!"

"Make it quick!"

"Absolutely not," said Jase in a deep voice to Maggie. He ushered her out the door and gave her a.s.s a little smack on the way, then closed it without another word to Henry.

Even though she was sure Jase sped the whole drive back to his place, it somehow took far too long for her liking. Her hands roamed over Jase's chest with abandon as she nuzzled her face into his back and neck. At stoplights she let her hand sink between his legs, and grinned at the way he shifted his hips up into her touch, begging for more.

Jase had bought a small rambler on the opposite side of town from where he grew up, closer to the emptiness of the farmland and the spa.r.s.e forests. He parked the bike in the driveway and climbed off, immediately turning to kiss Maggie deeply, with both hands on the side of her face.

"Mind if I give you the tour in the morning?" he said against her lips.

"There is only one room I'm interested in right now," said Maggie with a grin.

Jase lifted her off the bike and she cried out in surprise. He barely took his hands off her as he led her to the porch and unlocked the door to the house, darkened from days of his absence. He didn't even turn on a light for them, but got behind her and led her around furniture and down hallways with his body pressed up against hers, his lips wandering her face and neck.

Soft light from outside filtered into Jase's bedroom, making the messy, light-colored sheets glow like a holy beacon. Jase brought her to the edge of the bed and bent over her to bury his face in her neck. His hands grasped everywhere, lovingly, hungrily.