_(Aunt crosses L.C., looks at tea-table.)_

Aurora. _(aside)_ The h'operating couch! Pore thing! If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg! _(looks at her sympathetically)_

Aunt. _(looking at picture over door)_ My picture! How sweet of the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a happy time we shall have together.

Aurora. _(coaxingly)_ If you please mum, the doctor says as you're to take the couch, and he'll take your case next, mum.

_(puts her arm round her waist and walks her up to couch)_

TABLEAU.

Aunt. _(smiling)_ My case! _(sits on sofa)_ Aurora. Yes, buck up, mum! _(slaps her on back)_

Aunt. _(amused, aside)_ Am I _very pale_, I wonder? If I am, it's with the joy of looking forward to clasping my dear brother's child in my arms.

Aurora. _(kindly)_ It'll soon be over. He'll be very gentle with yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. _(puts her legs up)_

_(Enter Doctor.)_

Doctor. _(sotto voce)_ d.a.m.n good get-up. _(loudly)_ d.a.m.n good!

Aurora. _(shocked)_ Oh, doctor!

Doctor. _(to Aurora)_ Don't you see? It's the picture--my Aunt Susie! _(points to picture, then to her)_

Aurora. _(comes to join him, they stand c, backs to audience, roars)_ So it is, an' I said, "If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg."

_(roars)_

Doctor. It's _both_ arms and _both_ legs, Aurora. and we'll have 'em off in a twinkling, _(takes coat off, rolls up shirt sleeves)_

Aunt. _(flabbergasted)_ Both arms! Both legs!

Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, while I sharpen the knives, _(sharpens two long knives from case against each other)_

Aunt. _(screams)_ Knives! Murder! Murder! Let me out!

_(Exit quickly.)_

Doctor. _(calls after her)_ Don't go--Old Soosie-Toosie!

Aurora. _(laughing)_ We've cured him, sir, we've cured him!

CURTAIN.

ACT II.

Scene.--Same as Act I. No time elapses.

Doctor. _(alone)_ Good old Merry Andrew! What a sight he looked!

Fancy expecting me to take his lumbering carcase for my gentle aunt. Why, I could see his trousers, _(laughs, picks up bills, suddenly stops laughing)_ I must sober down now and remember I'm a married man with a lot of responsibilities--and no money, not _yet!_ But auntie's coming to-morrow--the _real_ aunt--coming like a good fairy to make everything rosy! _(looks at photo)_ Flo, dear little Flo!

_(Bell.)_

_(not hearing bell, engrossed in photo)_ I'm longing to tell you the good news! I'll write to you. _(sits and writes)_ "Dear Madam." _(tears it up)_ I mean "Darling Flo." _(writes)_

_(Enter Flora. shown in by Aurora. She carries a bag in each hand, and parcels under each arm.)_

Aurora. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, but----

Doctor. _(not hearing, writes)_ "What wouldn't I give to have you here now." _(takes out coppers)_ Sevenpence ha-penny!

Flora. _(slyly behind him C.)_ Is Doctor Sheppard in?

Doctor. _(absently)_ Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? Now, what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?

Flora. The trouble?

Doctor. Oh, it's my wife! _(rushes into her arms)_ Flo!

Flora. Jack! _(kisses him)_

Aurora. _(gasps, aside)_ 'Appy patient!

_(Exit Aurora.)_

Doctor. Delighted to see you, my dear Flo--most unexpected pleasure--only sorry you can't stop the night.

Flora. _(surprised)_ Jack! I've come to stop for ever.

Doctor. _(releasing her suddenly)_ You can't--you mustn't!

Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from you, Jack.

I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. _(falls in his arms)_

Doctor. But you must live apart from me--for--for a day or two.

There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for anything.

Flora. _(by sofa C.)_ A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! Who is she? _(pauses)_ A patient?

Doctor. _(smiling and shaking his head)_ Better than a hundred patients.

Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me--tell me at once.

Doctor. _(putting his arm round her a.s.suredly)_ My dear little wifie, she's only my maiden aunt.

Flora. Oh, Jack, are you _sure_ she's a maiden aunt?