If this is the real end – 10

            Ultimately,

I simply watched my little sister’s entry on stage. As if I was looking at the

events happening in a distant world. There was nothing to put into words,

nothing to interject, I was simply “here” like an ornament. If this was a

stage, I would be applauding at the appearance of the protagonist, but this was

an unfortunate reality. I could only watch this too good to be true story

unfold before me.

            There

wasn’t any person who would notice that I was looking at this scene. That’s how

much of a minor character I was. However, perhaps I wasn’t even a character of

this story, perhaps I was only an onlooker.  

“I heard that Soleil-sama was having

lunch with someone.”

            Silvia

who suddenly appeared in the cafeteria shyly declared this while lowering her eyes.

“Oh, I see! When you heard Soleil

was eating with someone else, you came to see that woman’s face!!”

            I

thought this cheerful voice somewhat sounded like it was acting out a play.

Saion’s piercing voice echoed in the dining hall, gathering all eyes on us. In

spite of saying the same things as Silvia, didn’t the way he phrased it gave a

different impression? Although his words could be taken as unpleasant sarcasm,

if you examined his expression you would know there wasn’t such a thing and he

was simply teasing her. As the target of his prank was Silvia, an awfully

charming scene was displayed in front of our eyes.

“…n-no, that’s wrong, I-I was…”

            The

cheeks of Silvia who denied Saion’s words with her head hang down were bright

red. Somewhere inside the cafeteria, voices mixed with sighs exclaiming “so

cute!” leaked out. Indeed, my little sister was very adorable. Better yet, it

seemed she even charmed the persons of the same s.e.x. When seeing Silvia’s

appearance, the people around us would relax and smile. Even if those persons

didn’t know her. She had something that made people want to protect her.

            From

the moment Silvia appeared, I had been severed from “this world.” This world

where Silvia and Soleil, as well as Saion existed, was separated from me by a gla.s.s

window and the other side I was in became overshadowed. I slowly breathed in

and out, grasping my fingers tightly. If I rose my fist, surely, I could break

that gla.s.s. If I employed force, then it wouldn’t be hard to enter the other

side of this window. But I would be the only one hurt by the slinters of the

broken gla.s.s. They would surely criticize me. For getting in the way of their

rest, of their enjoyment. I would be the only one hurt by their thoughtless

words, they wouldn’t even notice how they injured me.

            I

pressed my lips that almost drawn an arc unconsciously and looked at them as if

nothing had happened. The three of them who didn’t notice my gaze, were

laughing as if this incident was really amusing. In the first place, it was

impossible for Soleil to have lunch with an unknown girl of doubtful origin.

“But I’m truly glad. That the one you

were with was big sister.”  

            Walking

to the chair beside me, Silvia who had bent her knees to peer into my

expression narrowed her eyes. Even though she had realized the one sitting

opposite to Soleil was me, was there really any meaning in expressively confirming

my face? Silvia’s cold breath grazed my cheek. She looked truly relieved from

the bottom of her heart, and while floating a smile she innocently removed her line

of sight. That Soleil was eating with another person, Silvia wasn’t concerned if

it was me. That was surely the case. When she said she was glad I was the one

here, her words only carried this meaning. Because the one who would have been

hurt if Soleil had been having lunch with another girl would be Silvia. So, she

was probably thinking it was great Soleil’s partner for lunch was me.

            Originally,

the one who should have been hurt was Soleil’s fiancé, me. But it wasn’t like Silvia

was worried for me. Imagining a scene where Soleil was eating with another

girl, was no more than an unnecessary worry. Silvia was finally starting to

comprehend the signification in this academy of a man eating with a woman who

wasn’t his fiancé.

            When

she realized the person of the opposite s.e.x who was eating with Soleil was me,

Silvia was relieved. That’s what she told us. I wasn’t a person she needed to

be on guard on. She instinctively perceived this. I wasn’t a person worth being

cautious of. She might not be aware of who Soleil had feeling for. However, she

knew he didn’t have any for me.

            …

… Ah, why. Why could I understand Silvia’s feelings so well? We will never get

close. There was no future where we both live. 

“… How about you sit with us?”

            As

if to fill the momentary silence, Soleil’s calm voice resounded. It was a

pleasant and kind voice. To other people, it probably sounded like the same

voice as always. But today, only me realized he was different from usual.

            He

was different from usual, different from his usual impa.s.sible att.i.tude.

            My

fingers that were holding a fork were faintly trembling, but I tightened my

grip so that no one would be able to realize it. Because I thought it would be

unbearable to let other misunderstand the noise I raised in the middle of the

meal for sounds made out of anger, like how it happened in the distant past. As

there was a third party, Saion, here today, I was dealing with the situation

with even more calm than usual. The eyes of outsiders always reminded me of my

duty. The position of being the fiancé of the marquis’ heir always forced me to

“act.” Showing a composed expression even if I didn’t have any composure, pretending

to be serene even if I was feeling shaken, not showing I was grieving when I

was overcome with anguish, all of that in order to do the proper thing as a

n.o.ble lady. It wasn’t that hard as I had acted that role any number of times in

my acc.u.mulated lives. That’s why I should have succeeded in making a smile that

no one would be able to see through and perceive my real emotions.

            I

also returned a smile to Silvia who laughed from the bottom of her heart and

thanks us, “Thank you for inviting me.” There was a kind of composure in her

voice as she lowered her head in embarra.s.sment.

“Is your physical condition already

fine?”

            I

asked her this question but something was surely wrong with the words I chose.

Hearing me, Silvia nodded her head and started to say something too, “… Yes,

hum, is big sister too…” She was probably concerned about the incident that

happened yesterday evening. But the fact I almost drown in the bath was

supposed to remain a confidential matter. Therefore, Silvia also immediately

realized her verbal slip and quickly exclaimed “Ah!” in a fl.u.s.tered tone before

shaking her head. Then, with an apologetic expression, she muttered in a

mosquito voice “I’m sorry.” Her pitiable appearance as she shrank her body made

Soleil’s face contort in a grim expression for a slip second. His eyes that

swiftly moved to look at my face, even though they knew nothing of our

circ.u.mstances, felt like they silently condemned me. Pretending I didn’t notice

his glare, I said, “It is fine, Silvia. Do not worry.” However, I couldn’t erase

the unpleasant mood that had fallen on our table.    

“What is

it? What happened?” As expected, the one who gleefully took the bait was Saion.

Silvia awkwardly rose her head and laughed as if she was embarra.s.sed, “No, it’s

nothing.” “If you say that, it’ll make me all the more curious, you know?”

Saion pushed Soleil to get his approval, repeating “Right, right?” while

suggestively curving his lips in a twist. “… It really is nothing.” When I

strengthened my tone intending to back up Silvia, for some reason the one who

showed a reaction was the person herself. “I’m sorry, elder sister,” she said

as she made her delicate body smaller and smaller. It wasn’t like I was mean to

her, so why was she making such an expression? But mysteriously, as I was watching

her little face, Saion rebuked, “Hey, hey, don’t make that kind of expression.”

Even though I understood his words were clearly directed at me, I didn’t

remember having shown an expression that would justify receiving such scolding.

I wondered if I looked like I was scowling. But naturally, I didn’t have that

intention. That’s why, if it had been the me of a while ago, I would probably

have lost my cool and even objected. That being blamed while I hadn’t done

anything was too unreasonable. But, now I knew that if I were to do such a

thing, the one who would receive a drawback would be me. I repeatedly inhaled

and exhaled small breaths to spit out the lumps of heat that had acc.u.mulated

inside my stomach and dropped my eyes. I thought I had no other choice but to

escape from the gazes of my surroundings.     

            At

the corner of my vision, Soleil was elegantly moving his fork and knife. He

wasn’t showing any interest in our conversation. No, that’s not it. He probably

didn’t have any interest in “me.”

           “Hey

Soleil, you want to know too, right?” To Saion who was acting lively, Soleil’s

calm voice answered, “Be quiet. If you’re like this, Silvia won’t be able to

enjoy her meal.” As every last words of his was spoken out of concern for

Silvia, this time I couldn’t restrain my laugher. Soleil noticed the puffing

that escaped my lips. It’s only at time like this he was sharp sighted.

“Ilya?”

            Every

time he called my name, my heart tightened a little. In one of my past lives,

he never called out my name even once. I had been drowned in jeers, called

“hateful,” told I would “never be forgiven” and my heart had been smashed by a

stabbing glare. I remember that figure of him very well. Even though the things

I couldn’t remember were numerous, only the scene of Soleil rejecting me was

engraved in my memory. Even if I didn’t want to remember, no matter how much I

wanted to forget, I always remembered it.

            When

I smiled despite the overwhelming emotions that made me feel nauseated, it

irremediably became a painful expression of mixed tears and smile. The moment I

rose my face, I met eyes with Soleil. At that instant, he promptly turned his

eyes away. As if nothing had happened. I think it was the right reaction. It

was his usual self. Unlike the time he was alone with Silvia, now he was no

different from usual. But I saw him react like this and I was surprised at the

fact he didn’t throw any cruel word at me, really the one who was abnormal was

me

“And so? What the h.e.l.l happened?”

            Not

having given up yet, Saion was gazing at Silvia with his body leaning forward.

I told him, “Do not bother that child too much please.” It was almost an

unconscious action. I didn’t have anything in mind when I spoke up. I had

simply saw Silvia slightly frown. I only showed a reaction to that face that

aroused an absolute desire to protect. But the one who reacted to my voice was

a student sitting at the table next to ours. From who knew when, it seemed he

had been listening to our conversation.

“… As the rumors said, she’s a fierce

woman.”

            The

voice felt like its owner spoke up unconsciously. And precisely because of

that, I understood it was his true thoughts. He didn’t seem to be talking to

someone else, rather it sounded like he was speaking to himself, and the voice

scattered and dispersed in the cafeteria. But it resounded vividly in my ears.

Because I knew they were words directed toward me. Everyone was sensitive to

the words filled with malice directed at themselves. I glanced at Soleil’s,

Saion’s and Silvia’s faces to see if they had noticed it, but their attention

had already s.h.i.+fted on something else. Such nonchalant att.i.tudes seemed to be

saying they didn’t care the slightest about me. Once again, the world was torn

in two.

“… Ilya?”

            The

break would end in around five minutes when Soleil noticed my unusual behavior.

Although he didn’t even show the slightest sign of awareness toward me who stayed

silent until now, I guess he couldn’t help but call out to his fiancé who was

hanging her head down when his line of sight fell on her on a whim. That’s

probably it. He had been like this from long ago. He would always continue to be

my “proper fiancé”.

“No, it is nothing…”

            And

I will continue to be a convenient fiancé for him.

I’ll

continue while knowing it’s an empty and fruitless relation devoid of any salvation.

Even my willpower to change something has been shaved off, I could only accept the

reality. What on earth has my previous self accomplished?  And the one before her? What about the one from

even before? Have I, in any of my lives, managed to achieve anything at all? In

order to be with Soleil, or maybe, in order to prepare for my unreasonable death,

I tried to live but. This, did it have any meaning at all?

No matter

what, why and how I did things, I could never get Soleil’s heart. Even though I

realized it a long time ago…

I was

unable to forget the little hand extended toward me.

Soleil’s

hand was surely a reed, a gra.s.s, a twig, the root of a tree. It was floating at

the surface of the water, and I desperately grabbed it. You could say that for

me, who was drowning at the bottom of the river, I had no other choice but to

cling and rely on it. Even if, despite seizing it, it didn’t mean I could get

my head above the water. After all, it wasn’t like I had received something

that would pull me up. Still, I, who kept struggling, couldn’t help but clutch

on something. I don’t know if I maybe wanted to be saved. But, because I was awfully

terrified at the thought of sinking alone…. I carefully wrapped both hands

around the leaves of the small, small gra.s.s that were embracing my chest. Even

though I felt that something important was reflected beyond the other side of

the water. My consciousness will disappear while I’ll be unable to judge what

it was.

After all,

it was better like this. It was better to not know anything…it’s better… this way.

Nocta’s announcement:

Bad News Everyone!

I’ll take a break from translating

until the end of July. University is killing me with reports, reports and even more reports. I only have 6

weeks left in j.a.pan, so I want to enjoy it to the maximum!

The good news is that I’ll translate

more in August. And also, I technically could translate one or two more

chapters, but horrible cliffhangers are coming, so I’m being nice to you by

stopping now! (Well, I know you are all a bunch of m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.ts for reading this

novel but…)   

Anyway, I’ll definitively come back

in August, so don’t worry. If anyone is desperate enough to fight with Google

Trad, the next chapter is this one: