_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you don't think me the man to fall out with n.o.body. I _never_ fall out----

[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train moves on, and First Pa.s.senger settles into a corner with a sigh of relief._

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE

_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave a fallen down!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOTES OF TRAVEL

_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two d.i.c.kets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come back!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE UNDERGROUND

_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "TOUT VIENT a QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"

Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-cla.s.s pa.s.sengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"

_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away y' go!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE

_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"

_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk."

_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for London?"

_Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and sometimes another."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN

He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the operation.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got into a smoking compartment)._ "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope, mum?"

_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"

_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]

A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S

_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_

SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._

_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.

_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady's husband?"

_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!

_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable.

_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?

_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.

_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?

_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.

_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment.

_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.

_Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar?

_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!

[_Red fire and tobacco._

_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.

_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!

_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody's betrothed.