"Ah! then take two first-cla.s.s tickets, and two third."

"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third cla.s.s?"

"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-cla.s.s tickets are for my lady and me!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station, is the above most alarming placard.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!

_Dodger._ "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my train!"

_Codger._ "Catch it, you mean."

_Dodger._ "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta, ta!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: APRIL 1

_Mamma._ "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You _know everything_. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."

[_For once the professor is not ready._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNNECESSARY REMARKS

"What! Have you missed it?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "OVERCAST"

They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and she was hustled and fl.u.s.tered considerably when she reached the carriage.

_He (cool and comfortable)._ "How charming the yellow gorse----"

_She (in a withering tone)._ "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I s'ppose!"

[_Tacet!_]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE

_Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons)._ "Won't yer make room for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK

_Railway Gatesman._ "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer _ladyship_ a waitin'."

_n.o.ble Countess._ "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"

_Railway Gatesman._ "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo these ten minutes!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE NEWS"

_Season-Ticket Holder (airily)._ "'Morning, station-master. Anything fresh?"

_Station-Master ("bit of a wag")._ "N-no, sir, not that I've---- ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning agai----!"

[_Violent pas seul, with language to match._]

BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE

The man who got in at Blackfriars Was smoking the foulest of briars, But it went out all right-- Could I give him a light?-- Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.

I've frequently noticed the Temple Is a place there are not enough rhymes to; And that's why I've made This verse somewhat blank, And rather disregarded the metre.

How _do_ you p.r.o.nounce Charing Cross?

It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.

Some people, of course, Would rhyme it with "horse,"

But I always rhyme it with "hoss."

A woman at Westminster Bridge Had got just a speck on the ridge Of her Romanesque nose.

"It's a black, I suppose,"

She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.

One man from the Park of St. James, Had really the loftiest aims; In the hat-rack he sat, Used my hair as a mat, And when I demurred called me names.

I bought from the stall at Victoria A horrible sixpenny story, a Book of a kind It pained me to find For sale at our English emporia.

I found when I got to Sloane Square That my ticket was gone; my despair Was awful to see, Till at last to my glee I looked in my hat--it was there!

[Ill.u.s.tration: A REAL GRIEVANCE

_Porter at Junction._ "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."]